General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My fiancee and I have been having problems off and on for the past year and a half we been together. First, we had problems where one didn't let the other finish talking, on my part, and she always wanted the last word.
Then it was the good old fashioned money and how to spend it on what. Third, she let others begin to change her mind several times about things, and sort of let others think for her, like if they'd say something about me, she'd agree even if the day before she didn't, and would then say to me that she'd always felt that way, such as how I act immature when I am stressed, or how her mother feels embarrassed about me, yet she never says that...
There is also the issue about how she get upset at me for things in which I forget to do or even do that irritate her, like playing video games for long periods, which release my stress....I am currently looking for a job, busting my ass, while she says is going to...and I do trust her..
Finally, the issue of her not getting homework in on time...then expecting me to help her through it, and since we share a laptop, I can't get mine in on time...
So, I decided to try the fireproof lovedare, though we are not christian, and please do not try to "Save" me or convert me...love me for who I am....she says she'll never leave me unless i Lie, cheat or abuse her....I won't leave her either..but somedays it comes to me that it won't work, yet I try to trudge on..any thoughts?
My fiancee and I have been having problems off and on for the past year and a half we been together. First, we had problems where one didn't let the other finish talking, on my part, and she always wanted the last word.
Then it was the good old fashioned money and how to spend it on what. Third, she let others begin to change her mind several times about things, and sort of let others think for her, like if they'd say something about me, she'd agree even if the day before she didn't, and would then say to me that she'd always felt that way, such as how I act immature when I am stressed, or how her mother feels embarrassed about me, yet she never says that...
There is also the issue about how she get upset at me for things in which I forget to do or even do that irritate her, like playing video games for long periods, which release my stress....I am currently looking for a job, busting my ass, while she says is going to...and I do trust her..
Finally, the issue of her not getting homework in on time...then expecting me to help her through it, and since we share a laptop, I can't get mine in on time...
So, I decided to try the fireproof lovedare, though we are not christian, and please do not try to "Save" me or convert me...love me for who I am....she says she'll never leave me unless i Lie, cheat or abuse her....I won't leave her either..but somedays it comes to me that it won't work, yet I try to trudge on..any thoughts?
I think you are listening to wisdom from deep within yourself about this up coming marraige, don't put your head in the sand. You need ALOT more than those 3 deal breakers to make a marraige work successfully & happily.
Sounds like you fight ALOT about $$$ -which happens to be the #2 reason for divorce. #1 is sex. #3 is probably Communication . Then add love languages differences, attraction, moral beliefs, goals & dreams. These are all things needed in a good measure.
Wanting one's own way, saying "this is how I am -just accept me" without trying to meet the other half way . Beleive me, this attitude will = a train wreck waiting to happen in wedded bliss.
I gotta tell you, you are not painting a pretty picture of yourself in your opening post. But the honesty is GOOD. I hope you are up for hearing some constructive critism , this will only help you in life and love, and eventually a solid workable marraige.
Playing video games for long periods to release stress AND forgetting to do things you promised ~~ Are you asking for her to get pi**ed off ?? Seriously. I would be out the door if a boyfriend was like that. You need NEW healthy stress relievers. I understand we are all prone to certain addictive tendencies, but if we NEED them like air, we have a problem. If the house is falling down, but you can not bring yourself to put down the controller, you will suck at being a husband and father.
Some things NEED to change. A mature MAN gets his work done, he saves leisurely activities only AFTER all the work/projects/promises are finished for the day. Homework, looking for a job, fixing the car, food on the table, this comes before enjoyment -always.
If you say you will do something, if you know you NEED to do something (best to do it before she has to ask you & badger), DO IT, do not forget, write it down, do not be a procrastinator, this only invites chaos & more fighting into your relationship. Sounds like she is also -with homework anyway.
If you want to WIN Her RESPECT, and have her stop calling you immature & siding with her family & friends, remember, THIS IS IN YOUR POWER -to step up to the plate and make changes that will catch her attention in GOOD ways, be that example that she is proud of, maybe it will rub off on her.
Having the courage and determination to work through conflict is an important trait for married folks. You are dating and the idea for you both is to find someone you can live with. Never-ending conflict might suggest your's isn't the best match-up for marriage. I might have the resolve to repair any problem my house develops, but when I'm buying a house, I don't deliberately loook for one with obvious problems. Any relationship will require work but it shouldn't be total or even mostly drudgery, conflict, and drama.
NakashimaTaiki, I want you to know that everything in your post are all the perfect ingredients for the most unhappy marriage that ever existed in history.
And I am curious about a few things.
One is to wonder why your fiance has to nag you so much. Why is it so difficult to do as she asks and what you know you are supposed to do? Another thing I wonder is why you will marry someone who sides with others to bad mouth you.
The Love Dare was not meant to help or improve the types of things you are complaining about. Those principles will not change your bad habits or hers. You more so need couple's counseling so you understand the work that goes into marriage and so you obtain the tools and skills you need to remain married.
"she says she'll never leave me unless i Lie, cheat or abuse her....I won't leave her either"
It is a big mistake to tie yourselves to each other like that. Obviously, neither of you are all that pleased with each other. Does it make sense to be unhappy with your partner and then marry your misery? No, it makes no sense at all. Marriage will not change either of you. You have to change yourselves. Get help to work on that. If it still does improve, then you both have to accept that the person you met and fell in love with simply is not the right person for you. Just because we meet a person and like them does not mean we are supposed to marry them. It doesn't mean we have to hog tie ourselves to unhappiness for the rest of our lives or for any amount of time. That is what dating is for - meeting and getting to know one another and deciding if this is the right person to spend your life with.
ok. i did not mean to make it sound liker video games is my only stress reliever or addicted to them. I never, never forget any of my promises, and I did forget a few filler things...first off, we fought about most of those things "in the beginning." This means we now only argue about things which are important to us....like who feeds the baby when, and who does this and that, but mostly 110% about her homework and using the laptop. But, I came up with a solution that I know will work....I finally got the desktop up and running, and plan on doing mine there..
As for the other issue, if I had my piano or something,and when the weather gets nicer outside, ride my bike to destress myself...usually when I am gone for a long period of time, she'll miss me anyhow, which always makes things nicer when i come home...
also, we do have some communication issues..see the back story is mostly on her part...she had a bad past, and has become totally depressed....one reason in which she closes down alot...its hard to tell how she is feeling..but now, occassionally, she will vocalize how she feels. her and i have always solved our problems with feelings letters..."when you did this, it made me feel..."
now that we have the baby, I can see her happiness.....its only once in ahwile she'll be like this where she gets upset at me....not every day....I'd say on average about 1-2 times per week, except on the homework issue. That pops up about 2-3 times...
as for money, we both started taking financial class, so we can learn to balance and maintain our budget to work our money for us....we plan on becomign wealthy one day..
But I did make a vow to myself....i vow to become more "mellow" as she put it, even though I only act immature when i am totally stressed out completly.....if she wants someone whom won't "embarrass" her, then how do i control that? Everytime i talk to someone she's with, it always seems like I say too much...and then some of what my opinion is embarrasses her..
then, if i hold it in and say nothing, or just try to read my book or something, her friends and family think i'm an ass...my grandpa was in a very similar position with my grama, though, they lasted 48 years, he was quiet most of his life...I definatly don't want to do that...
back to the forgetting again...it seems i forget when i am under terrible amounts of stress....but i do have several methods of coping with it....most of my stress comes from homework(hers conflicting with mine) but more from my family...my dad thinks im in a self prophesying relationship, which means mine will end like his did...they argued about the same things..cept forgetting things...
and then, there is her and her mother...when her mom is stressed, she takes it out on my fiancee..then my fiancee takes it out on me...then if i bottle it up, it goes back at her..if i let it go by walking away...aka going for a walk, it cools down, but it also upsets me at the same time that I can't be there for her in this time because if i try to, i'll just get attacked..
another councelor put it this way..usually in her time of need, when a woman tells you go away or pushes you away like she does, she needs you the most to step up and go be there for her...aka during times of nervous breakdowns...or deaths, or anything of that matter....
I'm also learning from the persepctive of a woman..
as for money, we both started taking financial class, so we can learn to balance and maintain our budget to work our money for us....we plan on becomign wealthy one day..
Getting a handle on your finances is all GOOD, saving for a rainy day, commendable. "Planning on becoming wealthy", this thought caught my eye. So many dream BIG dreams but so few have the mountain of discipline it takes to climb up the working hard /studying hard /starting at the bottom & moving up slowly ladder to financial success.
You mentioned a Piano , are you a musician?
What if this can not be acheived- this "wealth" - will she be depressed? Sounds like a baby is here before the wedding even, Yours? Is she taking precautions to avoid getting pregnant again while doing homework for College. I think you have ALOT on your plate right now. Alot of focusing on the smaller things, the day to day things , just to get by- even getting a job at the moment.
What is the plan after marraige -- Will she be a working mother, or plan to use Daycare and you the sole breadwinner? Does some of her upsetness come from seeing "wealth" in her future but your falling down on "the plan to acheive".
I accually feel happiness is acheived more so by NOT setting our expectations SO HIGH. I have seen so many dreamers in my time. Better to set reachable goals as you go along. Your plan now should be strengthing your characters to see if this marraige will work, paying off college debt, finding a good paying job, where to live to raise your child in a healthy environment.
If you have a passion that drives you somehow, likely you are destined to be in some particular field - destined for success- if you are a go getter & never quit. One does not have to be wealthy and always experience 1st class to find happiness though.
If what ties you together is a lust for wealth, also not the greatest sign.
I realize you never said these things, it is just 1 thing you mentioned , so I thought I would comment on it.
Quote:
The greatest wealth is to live content with little, for there is never want where the mind is satisfied . Lucretius
First off, it seems like everyone is taking everything I said the wrong way....
we have a financial goal, but the only issue is with me investing money and starting my own life coaching buisness, i will be the one out of work for awhile when I graduate while she brings in the cashflow for us both...now, i don't want to hear anyone say words like well i wouldn't date someone like that til they had everything straightened around or anything close to these words. Suppose you married someone, and then they went broke, and never could get a job again for example, or maybe they got completly injured....would you still love them? Or if they wanted to open a big buisness chain that shows you would be brining in the majority of the fianances while they worked hard to try and come up with a way to get loans and stuff and having bad credit..would you leave them?
and yes, they are "big" dreams, but unfortunatly, none of you know me personally, so you don't see how hard i work everyday, teaching myself, challenging myself, and even setting the bar higher and higher each day....
I WILL MAKE IT TO THE TOP.....BELIEVE IT!
It is this kind of thinking that led me this far in life, and got me into college and the jobs i have had before. and simplyanon, what is that supposed to mean,sounds like the baby is here before the wedding?? my baby is in no way a curse or a "sin" if that is where u r coming from....so i don't take to kindly to having someone say that about MY CHILD..or my future wife....
as for your other comment, try finding a good paying job here in the us. few and far and in between....but i do have a passion for helping others, as well as leading people, and I will accomplish this...and also become financially free..
and also, the passion for wealth is not what ties us together, but rather our love for one another, as it grows stronger and stronger...i just needed to know what I must do to overcome the challenges set in front of me, and was hoping there would be some good positive feedback...
River, my fiancee doesn't nag me continually...she never "nags" she just has her *****y days...as does every woman, correct me if i am wrong...and we did have couples counseling...which they told us the LOVE DARE would help us, as would other self help books, since we didn't have the money for counseling much...
she only gets *****y when her mom or someone close to her takes it out on her, then, she of course wants to be alone at those times...she becomes *****y...tell me that u don't as well...cuz i know women take things to heart more than guys...books like men are from mars series outlines the entire personality of a woman and a man...
she only helps me see my weaknesses...is not a relationship where one partner sees the weaknesses the other can't? i am the one nagging her all the time about homework...do you see my picture yet??
I do not mean to offend you at all, and I am NOT an overly moral person by any means. I should have worded my questions differently, my mistake.
If the stuff we are saying on here makes you feel like you have it all together and we are all wet - then hey, we've misunderstood- wouldn't be the 1st time and it won't be the last. Others are in far worse situations then. Count your blessings. As It sounds you are in this last response.
You could look at all of these replies as critical misunderstood feedback - you are right , we dont' know you, all we can do is pick apart words & intended meanings in a paragragh.
I want to be corrected, all good. I am sorry if I offended you.
I agree with you on your point about still struggling together financially if you are in love & in harmony with each other with shared goals & dreams, and still going forth with the Wedding.
I married my husband when he worked in a grocery store -that job lasted for many years before he found a higher paying one to make things a little easier. I know it is not easy to get a good job! We accually never had a fight on finances -EVER -cause we were both very frugal & on the same page.
I guess I am lost on what the issues are , maybe someone else can understand better than I.
My personal conflict and the Love Dare 
