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Introduction and Sharing the Facts

838 views 2 replies 3 participants last post by  Marduk 
#1 ·
First off, I appreciate the fact I have finally found an active relationship forum. Connection online is easy, but finding an active forum was a challenge. Thank you for letting me be part of this.
I apologize for the length- and I feel that this may be part of me wanting to "vent" and also explain my situation to see if there is anyone else who has found some tips on how to overcome marriage challenges.

My husband and I have been married close to 4 years now. We recently moved cross-country, both have new jobs and a new, exciting city to be in, and at first things were great- now I feel they've gone back into a rut.
-Before we were both in jobs that caused a huge amount of stress, and husband and I both had trouble leaving it at work- so at home we unintentionally became each other's verbal punching bags for what we were dealing with at work. I use my words, argue and try to be reasonable, this irritates Husband, who has an easier time calling names than talking things through. No respect on both sides.

Since moving:
-We have no friends/family nearby. Before we had a significant larger circle of friends, which is now back down to nothing (minus the occasional co-worker get together). It is just us most of the time, but me being an introvert, I don't mind this one-on-one time. Husband on other hand needs friends, and I have found is constantly on FB, phone texting, calling, etc to reconnect with our friends and family. This adds distance between us since he is always on his phone or iPad when we are together. We're not ever really spending "time together".

-We are now equal in pay. Before he made a significantly larger portion of our income, now it is closer to 60/40 (me/him). I am ecstatic! I have an amazing job and am finding the growth and challenge needed, that was lacking in my mundane, previous spot. I can finally contribute, which was a huge arguing point before. (When we would get into fights in previous city/jobs, husband would call me lazy and stupid for not seeking out a better paying job or contributing more to the household. This led to me taking on a lot of secret debt to bring things up to 50/50 on bills, low esteem and frustration. I spent a lot of time taking on side jobs, job hunting, but had the security and benefits of the current position that I did not want to just drop. I did come clean on all this before our move, he did not seem to care, and still complained I was not doing enough.)

-I feel there is some growing resentment and lack of respect toward me now that I have a higher-more serious job, which requires travel a few times a month to HQ and clients. He becomes rude and cranky when I have to leave for trips, calls constantly, makes accusations and says I'm lying when I can't answer the phone due to manager meetings, dinners, etc. We talk, text throughout the day and talk at night, but most of these calls are him drilling me and saying I'm being "shady". I'm not, I'm just now in a job that requires my 100% attention and focus and I don't have a lot of free time when out of town. In his defense, he's never really been in a "white collar" position, and there is a lot that doesn't relate to him, this is new to both of us and I can understand his frustration. We do not have kids, but a few animals to care for at home, so it is a lot to take on solo so much.

This has added a lot of new stress to our relationship- there isn't love or affection there and sex has dwindled to close to nothing. I'm not interested because I feel I thrive on touch, words, actions, and none of those things are being reciprocated. It's hard for me to feel love and affection toward someone who most of the time is cold, rude and unsupportive. When I look back, I can't recall a time when he mentioned he was proud, or happy or said "good for you!". Nothing has felt like I reached a milestone worthy of recognition. It's draining.
I don't want to paint a picture of my husband in a bad light, because I know I have my share of flaws also, but I feel I am running in circles to try and find the magic key to getting over this hump. Because husband is very sensitive and overreacts quick, it's hard to find the right words or way to approach this and talk it through, I can be stubborn and persistent and this isn't always the best way.
Thoughts?
 
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#2 ·
So it sounds like your husband is insecure about not being the breadwinner? If so he needs to get over it. Do you have a clear plan on how you handle your finances that you both agree on? When my wife and I got married we were making about the same, so we would simply split the bills 50/50, and whatever was left over we did whatever we wanted with (i.e. we did not mix our paychecks together). As my career advanced further we simply adjusted the 50/50 split based on where our salaries were (so she would pay in 30% and I would pay in 70%). We both felt like we were contributing, and likewise still had our own money to do as we please. For us at least b/c of this we never had issues over finances (fast forward 10+ years and thanks to my career my wife is able to stay at home, so the dynamics have changed). Honestly though, if he can't accept your career or not being the breadwinner I only see things as getting worse, so you may have some hard decisions to make (which hopefully don't involve giving up on your career).

As far as the FB/Text stuff, I can definitely understand why he would want to reach out to others if he is feeling lonely (and in part it sounds like he is lashing out at you b/c with you traveling he is now even more alone). However, if you feel this is driving a wedge between you guys then you definitely need to talk it over with him. Last thing you need is for him to reconnect with someone or look for emotional support from someone that he probably shouldn't.
 
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