CLRHAR

Over a year now with my challenges in my marriage which at one point were the happiest in my life. Just had a 16 year anniversary which was not even celebrated. We honestly had 13 awesome years. We used to be best friends who enjoyed life to the fullest and all it has to offer.

Finances, life changing diagnosis of my wife with MS, job layoff all of which came in the last 3 years along with the challenges of raising children have certainly played a part in the strain, but I feel like I am fighting this battle completely alone now. I agreed in Feb to move out and give us space and time to minimize tension at home with the children who are all of my life at this point.

Going on 5 months of living outside of my own home now. We truly both love our kids and want the best for them no matter the outcome.

I am not a quitter and will continue to do everything to position and allow our marriage to be a happy one once again. Reality is that we all get one chance in life, one chance with building a happy family and I am not willing to let that go. On the other hand, my wife seems to have zero initiative to smooth things out, forgive and look to the future to continue to build positive memories for us and our kids.

Does anyone have any advice on getting your wife to engage with actually working on the marriage and not throwing in the towel.

Thank you,

827Aug

Well, the very fact that you aren't living together says your wife isn't working on your marriage. And clearly the separation is by your wife's choice.

I have a very wise divorce attorney who finally put my separated life in perspective for me a few years ago. He told me when I got tired of living in limbo I should give my husband an ultimatum. The ultimatum was that he should MOVE back into the family home, go to marriage counseling, stop seeing other women, and really start working on our marriage. If he said no to those conditions, I should file for divorce and move on. Well, I gave my estranged husband the ultimatum and he said no without even batting an eye. The game playing and stringing along ended on that day. I filed for divorce. A marriage never gets fixed by separation and selfishness.

I wish you the best with your situation.

rider03

I agree with 827Aug. I have tried and tried and tried to get my wife to work on our marriage, all to no avail. For five years. I moved out last year for 8 months and came back to try again. She says repeatedly she does not want to get divorced, but won't lift a finger to work on it. It's beyond frustrating. She doesn't want the end result but will accept it rather than do the work. It's just crazy. She doesn't have to work and still is willing to give it all up.

I think you should file for divorce. Same as I am doing. Don't spend years waiting for something that's never going to happen like I did. I feel like I wasted all that time and could've been done by now and maybe have found someone who wants to love me.

Good luck.

CLRHAR

I definitely agree that one cannot live in this constant state of limbo and uncertainty, but when you add the dynamics of 2 kids (6 & 8) that love their parents and have always been surrounded by family you have a hard time just giving up and looking them in their eyes which you've raised to believe in family and telling them that your giving up.

By nature I never quit at anything, and I have always looked at marriage as something to work at no matter what the circumstance. I have never felt such lack of control of something in my life as now. I have also been one to always believe in everything does happen for a reason, this one just isn't making sense. I am sure that there is someone else out there to share and enjoy life as we all should, but I have this family to which I love more than life itself and I getting completely shut out by the person I started it with. I just have a hard time giving up on something that I truly believe in fighting for.

Amazing how life can go from what was once an ideal family to the feeling of being the biggest failure.

TemperToo

I can certainly empathize with your situation. Mine is somewhat similar, as I am the one who wants to work on things, but he doesn't seem willing anymore. We are fixing to separate due to his anger issues and seemingly unwilling attitude.

I will disagree that a separation is the absolute end of a marriage, because sometimes folks do have to hit rock bottom to see what they had. BUT if your wife seems to be perfectly fine with the separation, it is not fair to you to still be tied to it for an indefinite period of time. At some point, you have to be realistic and do what's right for you.

Concerning the kids, someone on here said something that sticks with me: Would you rather your kids come from a broken home or be raised in one?

I wish you luck, I completely get the feeling of having one chance to make a family unit work. I am struggling with that one myself.

827Aug

You are not a quitter, and you did not give up on anything. Your wife did that.