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Inappropriate social media photos?

11K views 95 replies 45 participants last post by  tonedef 
#1 ·
Looking for both men's and women's perspectives on this topic. My wife and I have extremely opposite views on what is appropriate to post on social media (FB).

She sees no issue with posting what I think are very revealing photos because they are appropriate for the setting. Example: Full body shot in a tiny bikini if at a beach or at the pool with all but the few inches of her body that are covered on display for the whole world to see.

Her response when I say I don't think it's entirely appropriate for FB is that she's at the beach and everyone wears a swimsuit at the beach. While I agree completely, I don't think all of her coworkers, my coworkers and family, etc. need to see every bit of her almost naked body. I have no problem with her wearing a bikini- and appreciate that she looks great in it in her mid 40's- but I just think a little modesty when it comes to revealing clothes or swimwear is not too much to ask when it comes to social media.

I don't ever want to come across as jealous or controlling because that's not it at all- and I would not tell her what to do or wear- I just am more conservative when it comes to public appearance. I know from a guys perspective that if I routinely saw a female coworkers pictures like that on FB that I would view her differently- and I know how most every guy in the office would talk about her- and I respect my wife more than that. Her philosophy is: if they want to look then look- who cares- they're never going to get it- and that it's totally harmless. I love confidence, but I wish there was a little more modesty in certain situations.

Help! Thoughts? Thanks!
 
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#4 · (Edited)
To me, it's a legitimate question to ask. My wife also has similar photos on her FB page (though all of them with her in a bikini include either myself or the kids, or all of us). And it's not like she's posing seductively or anything.

From my POV, I understand where OP is coming from. There are plenty of "likes" of these photos from men who are co-workers/friends. Which makes me uncomfortable. As it should. I imagine (though I AM projecting here) that she has likely received comments from said co-workers next time they see her at work. "Nice bikini!" etc. That's her prerogative, of course, not mine, however not very many men are totally comfortable with having other men view their wives as such. Or wives. Is it jealousy? A little bit. But it's more than that. It's wanting other people to respect our SO's and see them in a non-objectified light. Unless you're into that, in which case, knock yourself out.

Furthermore, and this has been posted about on TAM before, Facebook is generally not the place to befriend your co-workers, unless they're actually good friends outside of work as well. The reality is that most people who accept or send friend requests to/from co-workers on Facebook are merely that - co-workers. Just because you chit-chat with Joe from accounting or occasionally have a butt with Jane doesn't mean you should be opening up your personal life and photos and likes and dislikes and hobbies and musical tastes, and all of that to them.

I've mentioned this to my wife before, as in "You don't see most of these people outside of work. Why are you friends on Facebook?" And further, when Joe Blow has "liked" a photo of my wife (whether in a bikini or a nice dress, or any other generally "good" photo of her), I ask her who that is. I even find that I have to catch MYSELF from time to time, "liking" a photo of one of my female Facebook friends (all of whom are married, by the way, no single women on mine) as I don't want anybody to get the wrong idea - as in "that Mike guy seems to only like or comment on attractive photos of you..."

Facebook is tricky that way, and often people don't think twice about posting this or that, as they can't see any possible repercussions from it. Adding co-workers to the Facebook mix is even worse, imo. I may like my co-workers Joe or Jane from accounting and enjoy shooting the s*** with them at break or lunch time, and I may even hang out with them at out-of-work functions, but do I really want or need them to see my vacation photos, or my cousin's wedding, or pictures of my dogs? If somebody is in my life in a work-related-only capacity, then they are acquaintances, not friends. You spend time with friends, and do things with friends, and share things with friends, and have them over to your house for a bbq. Their husbands and wives are invited along. Those are the people who you should be comfortable sharing all this information and photos with, and vice versa.

At work, Joe Blow from accounting is a work buddy, and acquaintance. He doesn't need to see me, or my wife, or my kids on a beach in our bathing suits. (or photos of me drunk and passed out on New Years!)
 
#2 ·
I know from a guys perspective that if I routinely saw a female coworkers pictures like that on FB that I would view her differently- and I know how most every guy in the office would talk about her-

That says more about you and your co workers than the woman wearing a bikni at the beach or pool (the horror). Why would you think that makes them any less of a co worker or the job they do in your eyes cause of these pics?

That being said if this is something that bothers you i would def talk with your wife about this and why it bothers you. Maybe if she sees it from another angle as opposed to controlling than you guys can get that worked out.

But my advice as long as she is not posting anything that would seem inappropiate (and what you have mentioned its not) i would say be proud man you got a wife that is looking good.
 
#3 ·
I think it's perfectly fine for her to post bathing suit pics of her at the beach. Kudos to her for still looking good in a bikini at her age. That's something to be damn proud of. If she feels comfortable doing this you should let her and support her. Good for her!
 
#5 ·
I say get back at her, post pics on Facebook of you in a thong ;)

On a serious note, I wouldn't have an issue with if my wife did so as long as she understands (and this goes for anything posted online) that once you post something it is out there indefinitely.

I also personally would keep co workers out of your facebook group. Or I do know people who set up two facebook groups (so the coworkers could be friends with the second account so you can have more control over what they see)
 
#88 ·
Exhibitionism is one trait of a narcissist... what other NPD traits does she exhibit?
 
#7 ·
Maybe she could create a Friend group on her FB page for "Close Friends". Only put close friends in that group and non of the coworkers or family members you worry about. Then when she posts the photo make the post to that Close Friends group, that way the post is only visible to those that you want to see it.
Obviously anything that goes on the internet is pretty well public but it won't appear in their FB feeds automatically.

HTH
 
#8 ·
Good evening all
I'm OK with people posting any pictures of themselves that they want on FB, as long as they really understand that anything they post can be seen by anyone. The security settings are almost useless.

I could see private messages with pictures being a problem, but a post the the whole world is just harmless exhibitionism.
 
#9 ·
Thank you all for the responses so far- definitely helps. I think Alexm said it better than I did. My issue is more with the not real "friends" that we both have. I'm FB friends with people I manage and it does make me uncomfortable knowing they've all seen that much of my wife's body. I don't think she's doing anything wrong- it's just a comfort level and modesty thing. She has pics of her and a girlfriend in sexy bikinis holding up beers by the pool - and there are strings of comments from guys (including several of her ex's) saying "nice cans" - I love seeing you holding your cans, etc.

All of this is fun and completely normal in the moment- my issue is the public nature of it. Maybe it is jealousy- but I just feel like it's more being uncomfortable knowing how many people have seen that much of her body. I was raised very modest and conservative in appearance and am introverted- she does like attention and is an extreme extrovert.
 
#10 ·
Thank you all for the responses so far- definitely helps. I think Alexm said it better than I did. My issue is more with the not real "friends" that we both have. I'm FB friends with people I manage and it does make me uncomfortable knowing they've all seen that much of my wife's body. I don't think she's doing anything wrong- it's just a comfort level and modesty thing. She has pics of her and a girlfriend in sexy bikinis holding up beers by the pool - and there are strings of comments from guys (including several of her ex's) saying "nice cans" - I love seeing you holding your cans, etc.

All of this is fun and completely normal in the moment- my issue is the public nature of it. Maybe it is jealousy- but I just feel like it's more being uncomfortable knowing how many people have seen that much of her body. I was raised very modest and conservative in appearance and am introverted- she does like attention and is an extreme extrovert.
Yeah, nothing to see here. No ones ever had an issue with FB in any other TAM sections. (sarc)

While the appropriateness of a bikini in pool/beach setting can be thrown up as a stawman the bolded comments are out of line. If these "appropriate" pictures are generating this kind of response, from ex's no less, then I believe a discussion about boundaries is in order.

~ Passio
 
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#13 ·
This is one of the times that I feel like a moral dinosaur.

I don't think a married person should post racy pictures of themselves anywhere. If she's wearing a super-skimpy bikini, I agree: not too much between that and nakedness. There's a reason Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition is so popular.

I would see this differently if she was a single person. Especially a young, single person. But when you are middle-aged and married you should tone it down a bit.

Maybe she could put a sarong-wrap on before taking the picture; you know. She would still look really pretty, but just a bit more modest.

I agree with Idyit, that she probably loves the attention.

Do you give her lots of attention? Maybe she needs more.

And I agree with FitnessFan; at her age it is fantastic that she is in such great shape. I just think the skimpiest bikini pics should only belong to you; her husband. Let her know how much you appreciate her great body - but you don't want to share it with the whole world so much.

And finally, I agree with you and others here that it's not something that the guys at her work should be able to view at a click. I think seeing so much of her nice body in a real small bikini will change the way they look at her.
Not a moral dinosaur...I agree with you Intheory.. My Husband would as well..skimpy bathing suit -coupled with the HOT body... will get LOTS of attention... oh Yeah!

One of our sons college room mates removed himself from FB because he was getting carried away ...well.. skimpy bathing suit pics of some of the girls he was counseling.. and that was a NO NO.. as he was a christian, he was convicted... it can be some real EYE candy.. I didn't think badly of him telling me this-it was me that asked, he was just being honest..

The point is.. people are LOOKING... drooling some of them...

I put many pics on FB.. I love people photography & I love to share... some probably think I am seeking attention.. (though I hope I am not looked upon in this light)... I have paused putting shots of all of us on the beach.. but I DID.. only because my swim suit is this type with some skirt...
...that's as far as I would go at my age.. ..

It really doesn't bother me what others DO...it's great we have this freedom of expression.... however I will get on my daughter if she would get carried away here.. because it can send the wrong message.. so I feel..

I want our daughter to find the type of guy who would frown on it - frankly.. that the HOT bod gets saved for HIS EYES ONLY....so yeah.. she better listen to Mom!
 
#80 ·
:iagree: There is a time and place for everything.

The beach is a time and place for a bikini

FB is neither the time or place for bikini pictures even if they are at the beach because of where these pictures are viewed and who is or can view them.

I am quite surprised by the answers that missed that concept or dismiss it as ridged, misguided or irrelevant taking a stance of personal freedom.

And yes she likely enjoys the attention.

That also says something about her if it is true
 
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#20 ·
Reading about the inappropriate comments from ex's and so forth makes me rethink this situation. However, can't she just unfriend those people who are acting disrespectful? How immature can you be to post "nice cans" to a married woman? WTF is wrong with people?
I'm not saying the comments are appropriate, but what type of comments was a "married woman" hoping for when she posted a pic with beer and a tiny bikini?:scratchhead:
I'm just asking because I am sure she was not expecting comments about how blue the swimming pool looks.

On the comments from the ex's, I feel its inappropriate for an ex to comment on her photos full stop.
 
#12 ·
Not a good idea IMHO. I put up a pic of me shirtless in a kilt that drew the initial attention of the woman who became an EA to me. I also found out through the grapevine that several female employees here at work that I friended "shared" my pic amongst a few more female members here at work and I was the subject of "discussion" among them.

Needless to say, I have deactivated my account and have not been back in over 4 months.
 
#14 ·
You need to clamp down on this issue.

40 yrs old and posting Bikini pics on Facebook and married- No way. There is a time and place for this. 20 and single..ok. When a woman hits 40, she should dress in more mature way. Do you have kids?

How is your wife Generally, was she always this free and liberal or was she the more conservative type? Is this a new thing, or was she always like this.

This is an issue of respect. The world can now see her and she's flaunting this behavior. Men are making comments about her breast. That alone should be an issue of shutting it down.

A wife should respect her husband and vice versa. It would be one thing if you didn't mind. But this makes you uncomfortable. Now she disregards your position. Now its up you to bring consequences on this type of behavior. If you remain passive, she'll steamroll you. You have to let her know sternly this is not acceptable.
 
#16 ·
Friends and family, fine.

Ex's, WTF, no way......they shouldn't even be FB friends.

Work colleagues, does she think people from work will take her seriously after they see this type of thing? The first thing people who interact with her at work will think is "hey bikini bimbo made the meeting". I see crap like this and how people dress at work.....it angers me how unprofessional America has become.

IMO your wife is way past the boundaries of appropriateness. Ex's cat-calling bikini photo's? You have big problems in your marriage you need to address.
 
#28 ·
Thank you all again- this is extremely helpful and these are the debates I have in my head.

To clarify/answer a few things so I'm not making her sound terrible. All of the jokes/comments about "nice cans" were while they were holding 24 oz beer cans- but it was the obvious play on words because they were holding them in front of their cleavage.

I really believe this is a boundary issue- and it's just not something she sees that way. She says stuff like: It's just a body, a bathing suit isn't sexual, I'm wearing what everyone else wears, there's no nudity, etc. She truly doesn't think other people look in any way (clearly she doesn't understand men's minds) and if some do look she just doesn't care.

Yes, she has three teenage daughters - and has no issues posting the same types of pics of them. While they're young and single (obviously) - she doesn't think anyone would look at them sexually which is very naive. The 14 and 16 year olds look like they're in their 20's - and she has pics on FB that she asked some stranger on a beach to take of the 3 of they laying out in push up bikinis that make it look like they all have DD's. I worry that they think nothing of exposing themselves either- even if they are teenagers. The wife also has pics where her and her friends are pulling their tank tops up to show their new belly piercings where you can see that, her bra, etc.

Yes, she's always been like this as far as I know- she was a party girl- and while she no says she's happily settled down with the love of her life- she still has the party girl past on FB - and still keeps posting the revealing pics- even if the content is mostly tame.
 
#32 ·
Just to clarify- I didn't marry a party girl- I stated that poorly. She had some years of that after her divorce but was past it all and ready to settle down and be with me. I do tend to go back to that in my mind though with some of these picture issues.

To me- she's a respectful loving and loyal wife, but when she posts what to her are harmless pics on the beach- I worry about people's perception, etc and all of the other issues brought up. I don't hold her past against her- and love her for who she is now.
 
#39 ·
I do believe she is that naive with a lot of it. I used to often question the things she would let her daughters wear out in public- and she genuinely said she didn't notice they were see through, or too low cut, too tight, etc because she just didn't look at them that way. I asked her a while back why she wore thin almost sheer shirts with a bright white bra to work - or tight low cut shirts- and I really believe she somehow didn't realize they were see through or work inappropriate. I don't know how she doesn't realize some of this basic stuff- but if I point it out and she realizes it she will address it- but she doesn't see the issue with the FB pics- which is why I posted this in the first place.
 
#41 ·
Step daughters which is why I stay out of that stuff. Honestly they don't dress much different than many other girls I see at school events- but they're definitely on the more revealing end. If it was dramatically bad I'd speak up- but she's their mom- and a woman- so it doesn't seem like my place. I try to explain how clothes and dressing provocatively effects men's perceptions- but I usually leave it at that. She doesn't agree or believe me. Clothes are just clothes- underwear can be outerwear- other people's opinions don't matter. We met decades ago and were friends for a long time while we were both married. Eventually we both ended up divorced- living in the same area- and the friendship quickly became more.
 
#42 ·
Some women really are that naive, even though they enjoy the attention. And other women really just don't give a flip if men sexualize them and it doesn't give them the type of rush men think it does. I don't know if your wife is one of these or maybe a combo, but what you are saying describes a woman who doesn't care how she is perceived, for whatever reason.

I've had lots of friends over the years who dressed in various levels of fun girl to SOOOPER fun (along with outer underwear and the like). I also have friends who are burlesque dancers and some of them wear costume type clothing because they actually live the lifestyle of that look. And when I was young I dressed however I could get away with...I had modesty in some very limited and personal ways (like I'd never actually pull my top off in New Orleans if I ever went there even if all my girlfriends would have) but to see how I dressed one would conclude I don't care of others perceive me as a ho.

I don't really dress like that anymore, but I don't regret that I used to. I was cute as a bug, young, and loving life. I wasn't hurting anyone. I am not ashamed of any of the pictures of myself during that time, but some of them certainly make me laugh! (Some of the crazy inappropriately cute dresses I would wear to work, ha ha!)

I knew when other women or men looked at me sideways. Some of them also looked me in the eye and said "I don't know how you are getting away with that, but you are." I always told them it was because I am secretly a Show Girl and my sparkles are always showing.

So I knew girls like me, and I knew girls who really were straight up dressed like hookers, because they LOVED doing it, and I knew girls like your wife who looked really hot and were like "what, this? oh whatever..." Usually those girls were cool, kind of hip, not actually trying to make men gag. They just can't help they are hot and want to play with cool clothes.

I hope all of that just helps give perspective in women wearing inappropriate clothes and the thought processes.
 
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