Re: Is is possible to get over an emotional affair
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the "what-ifs" of hers are a fantasy and an escape. Its not even him, but when reality is hard, and life can be with 3 kids, bills, and just day to day life, its this "what-if" that offers an escape. I'm willing to bet that in her what if fantasies there are no bills, pressure, stress, etc.
From the perspective of someone who has been recently cheated on (your d-day is somewhere around mine) what we both learned was that his affair was an escape. The girl (and I use that term cause she's all of 18) was convenient. She lived down the street and threw herself at him. He was feeling the affects of age and it was flattery. Also we have kids, bills, a business, a difficult economy and its a lot of stress. He felt something was missing from our relationship and thought an affair or maybe getting out of the marriage was the answer. The affair did not give him what was missing, it made it all worse. He became someone else, angry, depressed, just not a fun person to be around.
It took hitting rock bottom and me finding out and throwing him out to realize he had it all and in his words "F-ed up my entire life". She's on that edge and stepping over that line doesn't make everything great, it will cause great pain and regret.
She sounds bored honestly. A SAHM doesn't get out much. She's probably built this whole thing up and its interesting. You can make life interesting too you know. Be spontaneous, come home in the middle of the day (if kids are school age) to be intimate. Take her out on a date. Tell her for now reason at all she looks beautiful. Get some new interests together.
In our case, I wanted, needed to know the cause of the affair. That took some thinking on his part, I also learned later on it went on for 4 months not 1 month like I was originally told so yeah there was an emotional connection and in some ways that bothered me more.
We are able to talk about these issues now and he said to me that what was missing was there all along he'd just forgotten or ignored it. The spark is back, but too bad it took something so drastic and painful. In order to go on, I needed to know all ties emotional and physical were cut. I can tell that they are as like in fatal attraction she's not taking it so well....
Your wife needs to make a commitment to your marriage. Right now she's playing out a fantasy and you're right can't give you 100%. You also don't deserve to go on that way either. I do believe its possible for both parties to get over an affair, but both of you have to let it go until she does that, neither of you can heal.