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Fiancee Slept with a Married Man

6K views 38 replies 30 participants last post by  DenverBroncos 
#1 ·
I have been dating a woman for 6 years and we are now engaged. By far the best and easiest relationship I have ever been. The person who introduced us, "Ted". was a mutual friend. They seemed extraordinarily close and multiple times during our relationship I had asked if they had ever been together, and she always answered definitively no.

About 2 months ago I received an instant message from Teds current girlfriend about the fact that my fiancee and Ted indeed had a short affair about 5 months before he introduced us, while he was still married. Her situation was she was just finalizing her divorce from her husband, as he had many affairs the last 3 years of their marriage. Some other background on her, is that her family had basically disowned an aunt of hers for having a affair with a married man about 10 years prior to this (all has been forgiven in this matter).

The affair started at a fundraiser they were both working on. They rode together and had a few drinks at the meeting and when they got back to her place, they had a makeout session. They talked about it the next day and both stated how bad they felt about it (his marriage was on a downward slide and this would be his first but not his last affair before he finally got divorced). Yet they went to another event about 2 weeks later, same thing, a few drinks go home but now this time leads to sex, and again about 2 weeks later, but this time they did not even make it home, sex in the back of his van. She was 36 at the time and is now 43.

She states that her self esteem was at an all time low and that she was vunerable and found the attention exciting as her husband had not made her feel very good about herself.

I am struggling on multiple levels here. #1. Sleeping with a person you know is married, to me that is just awful, especially coming out of a relationship where it happened to you. #2. The married person she slept with is friend of mine (he never mentioned it either). #3. A six year lie, where she had numerous times to tell, instead I have to find out thru a 3rd party.. #4. The fact that she kept carpooling with him to these events leads me to believe she wanted this to happen. #5. What were either one of them thinking by setting up someone they had sex with?

They stopped talking after the second time for about 2 months then ran into each other at the gym. He was moving on with his life and when he found out she was not seeing anyone, he called and asked if I would be interested.

I am no saint myself, I have had too many partners to count, and she knew about my sex life very early on. My adult life has been pretty stable. I lost my first wife when I was 37 with 2 small kids. I had a lot of opportunities to sleep around at that time, but did not even go out on a date for over a year as I wanted to make sure my head and heart were in the right place. Kind of what I would expect most adults to do in either of our situations.

As of now I am really struggling with being with her for the reasons listed above. The six years of dating have been amazing and I truly believe she would never cheat on me. This affair is on my mind constantly. It has damaged how I feel about her, as I am disgusted by that behaviour.

Any thoughts or ideas would be appreciated.

Thanks
 
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#2 · (Edited)
So this relationship occurred before you were introduced to your now GF?

#5. What were either one of them thinking by setting up someone they had sex with?
Because the entire affair was compartmentalized and would never be visited again. Or so they thought. This sound to me it was purely sex for them and nothing more thus it was easy to ask you if you were interested.

Since this is still a BF/GF relationship you can walk if this is something you believe will taint your future relationship. Specifically the lie about it but not the affair portion as it occurred before you arrived on the scene. However, I, like you...a bit weary of those that conducted an affair prior to my dating them.
 
#4 ·
Does she know you know about it? If so, what has her reaction been?

(Her aunt's history has nothing to do with this)

Was she still married when this happened, or was she already divorced from a man who cheated on her?

I assume she knew this man was married when it happened? Do you know how he presented himself to her (i.e. they were already separated, etc.?)
 
#25 ·
:iagree:

This is the story of my marriage. It will only lead to misery, and never ending doubts about what else she may have lied to you about.

It sucks, no two ways about it. You and she are a great match in so many ways. Yet she was willing to perpetrate a long term lie about something important (hence why she lied about it - she knew it was important to you). This tells you she is not worthy of your trust . I am very sorry for your situation, and sorry to say I recommend you leave her. I consider this an infidelity against you. Some might suggest you attempt a reconciliation process with a good marriage counselor, but I would not put much hope or time into such an endeavor.
 
#9 ·
She cheated with a man who was married. Was she still married to her ex at the time?

She will most likely try to put a spin on her reasoning when you confront her.

Keep it simple: she cheated... regardless of her reasons or the circumstances. If that makes her a risky candidate for marriage to you, then you have a valid reason to break up with her.
 
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#15 ·
I agree with this. The sleeping with a married man is shady, but lots of people do shady things at some point. I happen to think it's nasty to sleep with married people, but if she'd been honest you could work with it. The lie says she lies about uncomfortable things. I wouldn't marry her until you deal with the lying.
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#13 ·
Well so far you have asked us for advice and the only thing I can tell you to do is this.

Pick a night real soon, sit her down and without screaming or name calling, spell it out for her. Now what she did in the past sex wise really is out of your hands in reality. It took place before you two got together and like you said your no angel either but the real issues is she lied to you when you asked and from what you posted, you asked her a few times and she lied.

That's what you need to make her understand that for six years she withheld this information and because of her lying it put a damper on your relationship so if the trust is broken then ask her how can the relationship continue?

She has some explaining to do and now with her six year lie hanging over her head are you going to believe what she says. If it's me, I put the engagement on hold and see if you can find a light at the end of the tunnel and if your gut tells you no, then go with it.
 
#16 ·
I am struggling on multiple levels here. #1. Sleeping with a person you know is married, to me that is just awful, especially coming out of a relationship where it happened to you. #2. The married person she slept with is friend of mine (he never mentioned it either). #3. A six year lie, where she had numerous times to tell, instead I have to find out thru a 3rd party.. #4. The fact that she kept carpooling with him to these events leads me to believe she wanted this to happen. #5. What were either one of them thinking by setting up someone they had sex with?
Any of these items on their own could perhaps be forgiven. Conversely, any of these items on their own would be deal breakers for most people.

But all these items together? No way dude. How can you trust anything she says?
 
#17 ·
You must be true to your core principles and if her lie of omission goes against them then you have two options, be faithful to them or betray them yourself. If you choose the latter, then you'd better be ready to pay the consequences for doing so.
 
#18 ·
OP, this is a tough spot you are in. Sorry you're here man.

This would be a lie that would make me end the relationship. They guy is a friend and it was not even a lie by omission. Your gut made you ask the question specifically and she could have just come clean.

Of course that would have meant the other dude goes bye bye. She denied you a choice by lying.

The question is can you accept what has happened?

I'd start by blasting your friend for not telling you and embarrass him as well.
 
#19 ·
About 2 months ago I received an instant message from Teds current girlfriend about the fact that my fiancee and Ted indeed had a short affair about 5 months before he introduced us, while he was still married.
Did Ted's girlfriend explain why she told you this?

Are you real close to Ted? Do you hang out with him and his girlfriend?

What was her reasoning?
 
#21 ·
For me, the big issue is that if they BOTH held this from you, what will happen later down the road if they both happen to meet "alone" under the right circumstances again?

And, if you all go to say, a party or a ball game and Ted is there too, I'd be wondering if they glance at each other, revelling in the fun knowledge of their "dirty little secret".
 
#22 ·
Denver,
This would turn my stomach. First thought is, Ted is done as a "friend". I'd never want to see the dude again. As for your girl that's a tough one. Six years that were good enough to have you thinking marriage and now this. GRRRR. FFS! "IF", and that a huge "IF", you give her an chance to stick around she's got a lot of making up to do. Definitely move the marriage date to "sometime in the future" while she attempts to rehab her relationship with you. I would want to see a counselor together so she hears the impact of what she's done from a third party. I'd also want to see her embrace all the steps of an apology. And if you go this route Ted no longer exists obviously.
 
#23 ·
I agree that the previous "relationship" is not the issue, but the lying is. Some people don't care about previous history, but if you do (as I do), then questions that you ask about that should be answered honestly or at a minimum with "that's none of your business". Then you have the opportunity to decide whether the answer (or refusal to answer) is a deal-breaker.
 
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#30 ·
I'm not sure she lied, it depends on the exact question and how she answered. Been together could mean two different things.

I know of a case when a guy told another friend he had been with a girl once, they later married and he felt awful for ratting the girl out.
 
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