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SEX DRIVE : How do men and women compare...what's your take... your experience?

12K views 104 replies 31 participants last post by  EllisRedding 
#1 ·
Experts say men score higher in libido, while women's sex drive is more "fluid"......
Sex Drive: How Do Men and Women Compare?- WebMD

I would like to hear from members here...your thoughts... if you feel this article is balanced.. reasonably accurate...or segments of it needs wiped... and if so....please explain.. give your counter (links, studies)....

I have been corrected a few times when I have written anything to suggest men's brains =
...or when I say "MEN LOVE SEX!!".. "their penis is their 1st love"..... I am reminded women are just as sexual...it's an "equal" split down the middle... that we've been lied too...shamed.. and our culture is holding women back...

It's been said only in the last decade that women are coming forward saying they have a higher sex drive over their husbands.. which has been difficult for them -fearing they will be labeled unlady like or something worse... some suggest it's just now being recognized that women are sexual beings...this seems very odd to me... but OK....

On TAM, we surely know it isn't so!!.... it's not even true in my own marriage ..I'd calculate my drive as 3 times higher over my H's for a few yrs back...He could hardly handle me!..yet still for our 1st 19 yrs...HE WAS THE HIGHER DRIVE, sexually frustrated partner (even if he tried to stuff it).... I can't deny this...

What are your thoughts, experiences, opinions on this subject..it's a faceted issue .... says in the article..
Study after study shows that men's sex drives are not only stronger than women's, but much more straightforward. The sources of women's libidos, by contrast, are much harder to pin down.

It's common wisdom that women place more value on emotional connection as a spark of sexual desire. But women also appear to be heavily influenced by social and cultural factors as well.

"Sexual desire in women is extremely sensitive to environment and context,"
Who's been the Higher drive partner in your marriage.. has it switched over the years ? Then on top of all of this.. did we play a part in squashing our partners libido...for them loosing desire for us....Resentment very common...physiological , psychological etc etc....
 
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#2 ·
Most of the time I have the higher drive but not always. It fluctuates from time to time. When we were trying to get pregnant he was out of control. For awhile it felt like a chore. But at times she has felt the same way. It also fluctuates with how attractive we are to each other.
 
#3 ·
We were always rather balanced. then kids came and I was sexually dead for three years (later it turned out it was due to IUD). Now it seems I want it a little more.

But always I was the more adventorous and kinky one.
 
#5 ·
For the first couple of years when we were young, we were pretty well matched. She was even the more adventurous one in some ways. Candle wax, parking lots, etc. In fact, she was the one to suggest sex in the first place (both virgins at the time).

Then we moved in together. Things tapered off quickly. Then we got married. Things tapered off more. Then we had kids. Things effectively died.

We're starting to come around again, little by little, but that sense of adventure she once had is still not to be found.
 
#7 ·
Exposing The Myth Of The Weak Female Sex Drive | Thought Catalog

My husband and I used to have a similar sex drive, but his dropped after marriage for what ever reason. I have pretty much always had a higher sex drive than him.

Women will typically self-report having a LD because it's more socially acceptable, but their bodies show a different result. The sex drive of women and men are more similar than different if you look at a bell curve of both sexes. You can also look at outside factors, such as women are most likely responsible for birth control and hormonal birth control many times will dampen a woman's natural sex drive.

Solutions for Low Libido in Men

1 in 5 men have a LD. That's a pretty big number to go against the myth that men are always sexual.
 
#12 ·
I've always been HD. I was much more HD than my XH, which was became more frustrating to me as he became less interested in me. The majority of our marriage was, by most definitions that I've read, sexless. He actively shamed me for my high drive and tried to make me feel guilty and freakish for my drive.

In the two months I was with my first post-divorce boyfriend, I think I had more sex than I did for the duration of my marriage.

I've seriously dated two men since my divorce, and these were the only two men I've been with whose drive matched mine. The unfortunate thing is that the years with my XH did some damage; I'm not as confident or... uninhibited... as I used to be. That has been a challenge for me in my post-divorce dating life.

All my boyfriends prior to my marriage had a lower drive than me, but were happy to oblige. But there was one pre-marriage boyfriend who, once we started having sex, said that we didn't talk enough anymore.
 
#13 · (Edited)
Faithful wife 's article >> Turns Out Women Have Really, Really Strong Sex Drives: Can Men Handle It? - Hugo Schwyzer

I read this article and being of a different mindset, it didn't resonate with how I FEEL in some of the things it spoke.. especially trampling on Traditional roles... I will give a few of my thoughts below...

I looked up the author.... I like to get a feel of who someone is/ a little history... here Hugo Schwyzer is a self proclaimed "Male Feminist".. a google search brought up some very damning things... that he has admitted to being a FRAUD toxically addicted to female affirmation...that he was a Professor sleeping with his students at Pasadena City College WHILE MARRIED...

Porn Professor Hugo Schwyzer Comes Clean About His Twitter Meltdown and Life as a Fraud .... this shows his twitter words HERE ...He spoke at sl** walk 2011 HERE ...

I can't remember where it was now, but recently a poster here said that MEN are raped as often as women are, it's just under reported.. Hugo doesn't agree with this...but says at 0:53 "in a FEW cases, women can be the perpetrator, but there is no question the vast majority is men assaulting women".. (Hey there is something I agree with HUGO on!)....

Now to the article... my thoughts ...

Women want sex just as much as men do, and this drive is "not, for the most part, sparked or sustained by emotional intimacy and safety." When it comes to the craving for sexual variety, the research Bergner assembles suggests that women may be "even less well-suited for monogamy than men."
Ok.. what he is saying is.. WOMEN WANT TO F**K.... THEY LUST.. We have fantasies.. well yeah!!...of course we do! Is it wise to go there just because we want to.. it seems the article feels so when it gets to the "initiation" paragraph....

So we are JUST LIKE MEN & don't care about the emotional component... (even some men CARE)....We see it everyday.. not really going to argue this. I can't speak for other women.. but HUGO does NOT speak for me..

Your article is in opposition to this article >>

Sex and Emotional Attachment -which speaks my
, deepest desires & want in the sexual..

Emotional attachment is an inevitable and most likely outcome for women after sex as it is simply part of their nature. We are emotional beings, we feel and therefore we are. I read somewhere not so long ago that women tend to become emotionally connected for up to three weeks after a sexual encounter.

To share your body with another and expect that you will not be emotionally involved is really only lying to yourself.
When I ask women what their thoughts are on the word vulnerability, most of them say it’s a sign of weakness or they don’t feel safe when they are vulnerable and the reality is, during sex, you are your most vulnerable, especially with your emotional self...

So is a little temporary sexual relief and false moment of connection, really worth the sacrifice of your yearning heart and soul and the pain of suffering rejection?
And when the lucky guy does not call you after to tell you how fabulous you were, who then is in control? Are you really valueing yourself when you give of your most intimate self so freely?

Every woman wants to feel love and connection, we need it for our very survival, that is one of the most common reasons why committed partners have affairs, to get their need for love and connection fulfilled. I don’t buy into any woman who tells me she can sleep with a man and not feel a little hurt that he is not begging to see her again, or calling with gratitude and offers for dinner dates…

If she does tell me she’s ok about his lack of after connection, I’d have to say I don’t believe it and really consider what is going on deep within her soul. I’d bet there is a state of some kind of denial happening and deep underlying fears at play… Most people really want to be loved and to love someone in return, so when do you decide to share your body as well without the risk of not being completely and lovingly received?
I guess the question to all of us is.. should we give in to our ravenous lust ...or should we weigh what is before us.. I had opportunities in my youth...this one guy I met on the beach. he looked like a rock star.. long blonde hair.. he wanted to take me back to his place..(oh the fantasies I had of that one).. I'm happy I didn't follow the itching between my legs & blow the emotional to the wind.. I may not be with my husband today... it also would have changed how I looked upon Sex and it's deeper meaning & purpose.

Bergner's work puts what may be the last nail in the coffin of the old consensus that women use sex as a means to get something else they really want, such as enduring monogamous emotional intimacy and the goods and safety that come in marriage with a protector and provider. In her review, Salon's normally hyperbole-averse Tracy Clark-Flory was beside herself: "This book should be read by every woman on earth," she writes; "the implications are huge."
What are the implications.. what are they aiming for again? Do we want a world where few care about the enduring monogamous emotional intimacy & Marriage ..do we want men who no longer care to Protect & Provide... that a nail in the coffin on these thoughts should be celebrated ?? I think we should be careful what we are wishing for here.

I looked up the book.. What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire - Daniel Bergner

Bergner said " Despite the notions our culture continues to imbue, this force is not, for the most part, sparked or sustained by emotional intimacy and safety.” In fact, he argues, “one of our most comforting assumptions, soothing perhaps above all to men but clung to by both sexes, that female eros is much better made for monogamy than the male libido, is scarcely more than a fairy tale." Ok.. again.. what he is saying is:

Any men who believe that women care for monogamy has been lied to.. so you better be a dynamo in bed as female desire REALLY IS >>" base, animalistic and ravenous".. and if you can't please her, she'll leave you!...one of his articles
HERE...

I plan to buy this book by the way... I so agree with what he says about our fantasies.. what we really want (after all I am one who is rather SEX CRAZED....a "rape fantasy" --Yes!! ..All things EROTIC are like electric to me.. though on the other hand.. this author appears to not allow room for women who may have a more Romantic view of sexuality. or maybe he does...just not seeing it in the article though.....

If Bergner is right, men's and women's libidos are far more similar than previously imagined. If he's right, and the formidable data he marshals suggests he is, then our sexual scripts need to shift to accommodate this new reality for everyone's sake. Both men and women need to overcome what Atik calls their "wishy-washiness," and be willing to deal with the discomfort that comes from stepping outside of prescribed gender roles. That's easier said than done; as Friedman notes in her article, the data suggests that even among the young, a significant majority of both men and women think it's the job of men to make the proverbial "first move."
"for everyone's sake"...well here I am again.. I still PREFER the man to pursue.. treat me like a lady, in showing he has more than a ONS on this mind.. because I DON'T WANT "JUST SEX" da** it!... that doesn't mean I'm not horny however.... IF I DID want casual sex.. then sure..


I deeply desire the romanticism of the man seeking to pursue his lady.. nothing wrong with this view.. or want.

Bergner's considerable data suggests that when it comes to initiating sex, straight men and women will be a lot happier if they follow the lead of their gay and lesbian friends.
A lot happier.. opinions are interesting .

The research suggests that though both men and women struggle to extricate themselves from traditional gender roles, women are generally doing a much better job of it than are men. From the workplace to the university, women are far more willing to move into traditionally male spaces and adopt traditionally male behaviors than men are to do the reverse.
again -this NEED to extricate Traditional gender roles.. am I being too sensitive here? so if I am one who happened to appreciate , even look up to with AWE the differences between the sexes , enjoying those difference, where does that leave ME ? Maybe I don't care to eradicate it all..

Too many men are still stuck in the "provide, protect, and perform" model that requires women to be passive, focused more on pleasing than on their own pleasure. The "catch-22" in which women find themselves is largely a result of men's fear of being unable to perform up to women's expectations—and to satisfy desires that men have only just begun to realize are as intense and earthy as their own.
I don't see a problem with wanting to please our men.. we should deeply admire our men for all they bring... if we don't feel this .. I would think something is missing or he is not treating us right...

I suppose TOO MANY WOMEN have been passive in the bedroom, putting down their own needs.. is this what they mean.. not speaking up, but just going with the flow -because some how they have been led to THINK this is what women Do... Even though this is not something I personally relate too.. (just never been passive here).. I would cause a ROAR if I was not satisfied .. but anyway..

If this is going on.. then YEAH.. I am with you all.. I heartily agree ! :smthumbup:...This should be opened up..caring for your own Pleasure ...be assertive in the sexual.. let your man know what you want !@# Open up the fantasy talk ..... exploring together, so many aids to help you get there today... It should never be ALL about HIM and "just his" pleasure...it's meant to be the most fulfilling giving & receiving.

"The sexual landscape (remains) ruled by male desires and insecurities," Amanda Hess writes in her Slate review of What Do Women Want. It is those insecurities (and the specter of the violence into which those insecurities sometimes erupt) that keep men from having their sexual desires fulfilled. As this new book shows, women's desires are fully equal to men's—and equally confined by men's maddening unwillingness to abandon the useless sexual scripts they themselves have written.
What are they calling useless here.. those of us who still like to be pursued in a romantic way with the man taking the lead.. .. women who still feel monogamy is important...why is it assumed if one is of this mindset.. we don't care about our sexual pleasure ??

I guess this is how I read this article.. I don't see why it had to rip on traditional anything.
 
#16 ·
I guess the question to all of us is.. should we give in to our ravenous lust ...or should we weigh what is before us.. I had opportunities in my youth...this one guy I met on the beach. he looked like a rock star.. long blonde hair.. he wanted to take me back to his place..(oh the fantasies I had of that one).. I'm happy I didn't follow the itching between my legs & blow the emotional to the wind.. I may not be with my husband today... it also would have changed how I looked upon Sex and it's deeper meaning & purpose.
I think there's an important distinction between the question of how powerful the drive is, and the question of where you (any person) wants to channel that drive.

From your examples here, what I see is that you agree that women (yourself included) do have very strong drives, lots of fantasies, etc. But you want to exercise caution about what to do with that drive.

Which is entirely reasonable, of course.

Bergner said " Despite the notions our culture continues to imbue, this force is not, for the most part, sparked or sustained by emotional intimacy and safety.” In fact, he argues, “one of our most comforting assumptions, soothing perhaps above all to men but clung to by both sexes, that female eros is much better made for monogamy than the male libido, is scarcely more than a fairy tale." Ok.. again.. what he is saying is:

Any men who believe that women care for monogamy has been lied to..
I had a much different take on this. Rather than interpreting this as "ravenous women will leave (or cheat) on men", I saw it just as pointing out that women are no more inclined (or disinclined) towards monogamy than men are.
 
#14 ·
Both my husband and I are HDs. The first 5 or so years of our marriage, I would say that our drives were pretty evenly matched. Then we had a child and for a while, he had a higher drive than I. When I reached my 40s, my drive was higher than his for a while. Now that we are beginning our 50s, I'd say we are back to being evenly matched again.

We both agreed before marriage that a great sex life was important to the both of us and we have both tried to maintain that throughout our marriage.
 
#15 ·
Going by my own experiences and the many articles based on valid research, I think this article is spot on.

Of course the article is talking about the overall population, so individuals will experience tremendous variation from the average, probably following a normal distribution, and many (probably most) will experience variations at various times in their life. I have dated many high drive strongly heterosexual women, and I've also met and dated a variety of low to medium drive, sexually malleable bisexual and heterosexual women. All that really matters is that you are sexually compatible (as well as compatible in other ways) to have a good relationship.
 
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#17 ·
From my experience my drive has always been higher. I could only think of maybe a handful of times at most where my wife was in the mood and I wasn't (but can think of plenty of times in the other direction). The only thing that ever stops me in my tracks is when I have a migraine, otherwise I am ready to go with just a stiff breeze :p I do find as well my libido/drive seems to fluctuate with my health. Maybe it is a confidence thing, but as I have gotten into better shape my drive has bumped up a notch. However, I don't necessarily consider a HD a positive thing if it is not matched off with your SO, quite the opposite actually. I have actually wished my libido was much lower as things have been few and far apart the past two years, the frustration is not particularly enjoyable to deal with.

I was talking to a lady at the gym who was actually complaining of the opposite. She wanted sex frequently but her husband had no desire, and you could tell she was truly peeved about it. Then she told me she had been with other women, so who the heck knows where that conversation was going but I got back to my workout quick ....
 
#27 ·
Society really does a number on us as a whole-men and women! Women are taught very early how to be a proper good girls by our dress, our speech and our mannerisms. Men are taught how to he-men and as how to be masculine means to get lots, and lots of sex. The girls were to remain virginal and the boys were encouraged to sow their wild oats before settling into marriage. The girls who put out are the wh0res. The boys who had a lot of tail are praise for their pursuits. So on and so on. It's no wonder we're so screwed up about sex.

Just like most women, I didn't fully came into my sexuality several years into my marriage. Heck, I'm in my mid-40s and started taking an active role in finding my own fulfillment in the bedroom. Society and it's ideas conditions women to be less aggressive and more submissive in the bedroom so if she isn't satisfied its her husband's fault. I felt I wasn't told that I had a right to an orgasm but it was enough that I satisfied my H. It was actually talking with my sisters and friends that I became aware that I wasn't being satisfied in my marital bed.:)

Our society needs to educate girls that they have a right to be satisfied and it's their responsibility to take control of their satisfaction and it's not the man job to bring you to fulfillment. At best, it should be a mutual goal in the relationship.

Now, getting off my soap box, I've always been HD. Although I have had to tame my sexual pursuits because I didn't want to be labeled a wh0re.
 
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#30 ·
Didn't have time to read the article but I will. Just giving anecdotal evidence here.

Females in my family are vixens. They are extremely driven and fertile. I don't know if high fertility and drive are related but the men are highly driven and fertile as well.

The only time Mrs. Conan and I didn't use protection in our 23 years was an instant pregnancy.

I have found that men are generally more aggressive in pursuit while women are more inviting. That is observation of others, it seems that more women than men have some "doors" that need opened for their sexuality to flow.

I believe that men who have developed good seduction skills encounter far more women with an obviously strong drive.
I will answer better after reading the article.
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#31 ·
Until women are not sl*t shamed for doing and wanting the same things men do sexually, and until men are not shamed for NOT being total horn dogs if they are not, then self reported surveys (even anonymous ones) will not be reliable sources of data for this issue. This is why there are still plenty of surveys around that would seem to show that men are horn dogs far more than women.

Two books that challenge this notion...

Amazon.com: Challenging Casanova: Beyond the Stereotype of the Promiscuous Young Male (9781118072660): Andrew P. Smiler PhD: Books

What Do Women Want?: Adventures in the Science of Female Desire: Daniel Bergner: 0884458909098: Amazon.com: Books

There is all kinds of evidence throughout the ages and cultures that our western idea of libido difference between men and women is bulls*t. But self-reporting will still tend to show the marks of what we believe we are supposed to do and want.

The pressure for women to not want sex and for men to always want sex screws people up from a very young age, and even the people themselves who are affected by it don't always realize it. But once you're screwed up, it is impossible to tell how your natural libido would have been if you had NOT been screwed up.
 
#35 ·
TAM is not a representative sample of the average man and woman.

There is a certain type of man and a certain type of woman who seek out relationship advice.

These types do not necessarily reflect the rest of their gender, especially as far as libido goes.

I am actually part of a private board that is nothing but HD women with LD men (which used to describe my sitch but no longer does, but I still belong to the board).

When you think about it, all we ever know is what we were told as we were growing up, and then what we see in our experiences. But like attracts like, so we can't always tell from only our own group what is actually happening in the rest of the world.

Still, as it stands right now, there is much actual evidence that the old school idea that men want sex more than women is inherently wrong, yet spouting that idea among ourselves and to our children can actually CAUSE that dynamic to occur.

Remember that only a few decades ago, women couldn't speak up about this AT ALL. It has only been since the invention of the internet that women had any voice about it.
 
#39 ·
Umm....ok, and how does it skew or impact the HD/LD conversation, especially since the abuse numbers are likely to actually be equal? If people of both genders are equally affected by CSA, what change does this create in the adults?

You do know that some CSA survivors avoid sex and some become hyper sexual right? There's no way to predict how a specific CSA survivor's adult libido will turn out just based on the CSA itself.
 
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