Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

How do I move on.

1K views 11 replies 7 participants last post by  Mr.Fisty 
#1 ·
I'll try to make this short as possible because who really likes to read a huge wall of text,right? :)

My girlfriend and I were together for 6 years. About 2 years ago she became seriously ill (parkinson's,ruptured disc) and had to quit her job. After about a year of that she and the kids moved out of the house and into her mom's claiming that we would still be together but it would just be easier financially on me. Needless to say that lasted about 2 weeks. After about a month we started getting together again. So basically for the past few months I have been giving her an ear when she needs it,helping feed her and the kids,sex (of course),talking everyday. Basically I've given her everything from a boyfriend without the commitment. However,2 weeks ago she signed up on an online dating site. She told me about it. However,claiming she wanted to make friends. Of course I did not believe her. This past Sunday she finally added a guy onto her facebook. Which after noticing that I told her once again I'm really not comfortable with the whole thing. We have barely spoken since but yet she is online all the time obviously talking to him. I tried giving her a couple days of space and didn't say a word. I finally started trying to talk to her but she seems completely disinterested.

The kids think of me as their dad. Their real dad is out of the picture and I really love them as well. I've never missed anything of theirs. Which is also a downside to all this. With her not feeling up to company I don't get to see them either. So basically I'm losing 3 people that are very important to me.

Over the course of the past year. She has been severely depressed. Her mom takes all her child support and food stamps she applied for. She got $20,000 from stock in her old company and her mom talked to her into spending it all on a brand new car. A couple months back she started cutting herself. I've caught her in numerous lies but they were small so let it slide. I absolutely love this woman to death but as is I cannot trust her. She has seen a psychiatrist who says she has aspergers. She has written and called her psychistrist a few times who wants to refer her to another but the referral still hasn't called and she says her psychiatrist doesn't return her calls or write her back. She says she wrote to tell her psychiatrist but she never returns her emails or phone calls anymore. I only have what she says to go on about this.

I can accept that some of this is my fault by acting as a placeholder. I know I have to figure out how to move past her because this isn't going to work. I asked her earlier to pack up all my things that are over there and she never replied. I'm thinking of texting her again later tonight and just telling her once again to pack up my stuff and I'll be over there tomorrow to get it and that I'm not a toy she can pick up and put down whenever she feels like it. She knows I'm the only person she can count on. She's told me that.

I'm extremely shy around new people and in all honesty,I don't have any friends. Which also is my fault because back in the beginning she would get mad that I would go out with them 2 or 3 times a week (prior to living together). I can't resist her and she knows it. Basically, I have no idea how to get out of this mess.

Any advice? Thanks in advance and sorry if anything is unclear. If questions about something I'll definitely try to answer a little more clearly.
 
See less See more
#3 ·
Your story sounds familiar. Have you posted it before (a year or so ago)? If that was you I responded to then, my advice is the same as it was then -- she's been using you for a long time and it's past time to take your life back. Tell her you're done and don't allow her to talk you out of it. Will it be easy? Hardly. But if you don't then she'll continue to use you because she's not just going to wake up one day and stop. It's up to you to fix this.

How do you move on? New people, new activities, new life. The old one's done. Create a new one and don't look back.
 
#4 ·
I would not bother trying to contact her for your stuff that she has. It's apparent you can live without that stuff, chalk that up as a loss & don't contact her anymore. More likely than not, when she notices that you aren't around she will try to seek you out. Resist the urge to entertain her when she does contact you again, because she will - users always need something. As a matter of fact, block her or change your phone number. Take her off your friends list on FB so you can't see what she is up to, block her if you have to as well.
 
#5 ·
Is there any particular reason you dated 6 years without committment? Maybe her illness made her look at her life and she realized she was 6 years into someone who was dithering?

Not trying to be nasty, just trying to understand what's going on. Things might be over now with her obviously looking elsewhere but it seems to me that if you're a placeholder it's because you chose to be.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#8 ·
the 6 years was actually her. I was ready to marry after 3 years. When we got together she had gotten out of a bad relationship with a guy who basically used her up. Not to mention her ex husband cheated on her constantly in the Navy. I never wavered from that she was who I wanted and she knew it every day.

I absolutely chose to be and I will never place that on anyone else. Which is why I acknowledged above that,that was my own doing :)
 
#6 ·
Seems like she want all the benefits and stability you give her and still be able to go out with and talk to other guys. You have to draw a line in the sand here and say that either she stops talking to this other guy or you leave...end of story.
 
#9 ·
we talked today actually. It was not a pleasant conversation. I told her that I was tired of being ignored and that it wasn't fair to me to always be the person that is there for her and then she goes off and talks to someone else. I found out she met him for the first time last night and claims she told him that all she can offer is being a close friend. Which that doesn't really matter. I told her I think it's best that we not speak anymore. I'm her rock and once the novelty of this guy goes away she'll be shaky.
 
#10 ·
Which the biggest part of all this on my end is keeping myself distracted. Like I mentioned above. I'm really shy and in a room with a bunch of people,I am looking for the exit as quick as humanely possible. So it's incredibly difficult for me to just go out and start talking to people. I tried contacting some of my old friends but it seems like too much time has gone by with them. So it's pretty much just me trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and then coming home to an empty house which is equally as depressing.
 
#12 ·
You have to take her past experiences into consideration as well. Her past will color her views on life, see things differently than you, and she probably developed issues that are beyond your control.

To get over her, you need personal change and growth. You do have good personal traits that you should be proud of, and another healthy woman would find a great catch in you. Being with your gf, and facing constant rejection will only damage you personally. Perhaps even eliminate the good parts about you due to her own problems.

You are capable of change and it takes doing to get started. Working out, having fun, creating goals and working on them will have impact on changing you slowly, but it is a process. The only way you will remain stuck and stagnant is if you continue the same routine and behavior.

So, you need to realize that your gf is an opponent to your own personal growth. Removing her from your life is the first step. She will be a barrier to you because of your strong attachment, and your codependent behavior.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top