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Date Night

9K views 89 replies 28 participants last post by  anchorwatch 
#1 ·
We have attended our first night of marriage counseling and in addition to all the other homework, my wife and I are supposed to have a date night. The counselor suggested that we go out and spend the evening together, just the two of us. This includes an overnight in a motel. She wants us to try to reconnect and remember why we fell in love in the first place.

We go out as a family weekly, but we haven’t had but maybe four date nights in twenty years. We have no support close, and kids don’t seem to babysit anymore, so all through the child rearing years we were never able. Now that the kids are old enough to stay home, and we could do something just the two of us, C2 hasn't shown much interest in ditching the kids for a few hours. The nearest thing I have been able to get is for the last few years for us to have dinner on our anniversary, just the two of us, but that was just out for dinner, then right back home.

So the problem that I have is, I don’t know what to do. We’ll have dinner, because I know C2 will enjoy that, but other than that, I’m stuck. Movies are out because she said there is nothing she wants to see. Anything with physical activity (including walking) is out because she says she can’t do it. We we’re not into the social scene or sports, so nightclubs and sporting events are out. I suggested a comedy club, but she doesn't want to do that because she is offended by the language. The local symphony would be fun, and I think she would have a good time, but they are't in session this weekend.

She isn't giving me any help in planning the evening and everything I suggest she shoots down. What she wants to do is stay home and play her computer game. But that’s what she does every night, so I would like to try to break out of that routine if possible… not to mention the counselor said to leave all the computers and the like at home.

A million years ago, when we were younger, we used to do dinner and sometimes a movie, but then we would just spend time together, often doing nothing. What do (older) couples do now for dates?
 
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#3 ·
any plays? local theater, college, or even high school?

any music venues? a bar with a band? not for the 'social scene' but for the entertainment. ever try karaoke?

can you rent a row boat somewhere? mini-golf too taxing for her? bowling?

carriage ride through the park?

any go cart places around? amusement parks?
 
#5 ·
any plays? local theater, college, or even high school?
I can check on some of these. Play's aren't that big of a deal around here, but maybe I can find something. Thanks!



any music venues? a bar with a band? not for the 'social scene' but for the entertainment. ever try karaoke?
No music venues near, but I might can find something. Most of the bars in the area are not well know for high class music and entertainment.

Karaoke? I'm not sure that's a good idea. I want her to still like me after this is over! :rolleyes:



can you rent a row boat somewhere? mini-golf too taxing for her? bowling?
Row boats? No.
Mini-golf? Maybe. I'll ask. Good suggestion.
Bowling? No. She won't be up for that.


carriage ride through the park?
This would be super, but not available in the area.



any go cart places around? amusement parks?
No. And she wouldn't do the karts anyway.
 
#9 · (Edited)
Why do you need her to help you plan? You do know men still plan dates and take women out. Aren't you capable?

Stop wringing your hands about it. What does it matter what she rather do? The idea is to experience how other things could be more enjoyable.

It doesn't matter what you do, just do it. Tell her to be ready. Lead!

Of course it will be awkward at first, but it won't happen unless you start.


Go watch the submarine races, put a cd in the dash, just you two, alone... You get it.
 
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#11 ·
A million years ago, when we were younger, we used to do dinner and sometimes a movie, but then we would just spend time together, often doing nothing. What do (older) couples do now for dates?
Don't let her lack of initiative kill your plans and enthusiasm. Sometimes people need a bit of a push to go outside the comfortable and familiar.

The theater idea is a good one. You might want to try just setting something up instead of getting her buy in completely. On valentines day I took my wife to a play and arranged a dinner and the novelty of it was great. She really enjoyed it.

Last weekend I took my wife to see a band with someone I know who plays in it. Again since we don't do that regularly she found it supper fun. I've taken my wife into the city and just shopped or toured. In my area dinner cruises are possible. I had one date night where we went to the town where we met and toured the university going to a old place where we used to eat.

The other thing to do is to send the kids somewhere else and have fun at home. I did that once when our kids were away and we ended up building a fort in front of the fireplace and watching a movie.

Dates can be adventures like classes such as dance, language or any hobby you both find enjoyable. Another thing is to pick Up a game she likes and play it with her.
 
#12 ·
Look for junior high or high school musicals. This time of year is when they're usually performing. They're so much fun, and it's sweet, and you'll have stuff to talk about.

Also look at high school sporting events; I love going to high school basketball games, the people are so enthusiastic!

There might be some amateur theaters in your area; we've been to some and they're really interesting.

Museums. We have an outdoor theater here where we can sit on a hill and watch performances for free. The zoo.

Do a solitaire competition where you each play solitaire and keep score. Find a bingo establishment.

Find something to volunteer for and do it together.

A picnic, and bring a book to read together.

Listen to TED Talks and talk about the subjects.

Rent a dvd of a tv series and get some blankets and pillows and popcorn and soda (or something stronger), and lie down on the floor and watch it.
 
#14 · (Edited)
Okay... I have booked the Saturday.

We have two tickets to a local theater where they are performing Affairs of the Heart, and I booked a Romance Package at a local resort, complete with dinner, a suite with Champagne and chocolate truffles, a fifty minute spa treatment, and breakfast the next morning.

I'm also breaking out the antique Lincoln so we can arrive in style.

Thank you all for the suggestions.
 
#21 ·
Okay... I have booked the Saturday.

We have two tickets to a local theater where they are performing Affairs of the Heart, and I booked a Romance Package at a local resort, complete with dinner, a suite with Champagne and chocolate truffles, a fifty minute spa treatment, and breakfast the next morning.

I'm also breaking out the antique Lincoln so we can arrive in style.

Thank you all for the suggestions.
I have no expectations other than we go.

I know that if I even mention the possibility of intimacy that will bring the entire event crashing down around me and ruin any progress I might make.
Good plan, now enact it...
 
#15 ·
Jeez, CopperTop, your wife sounds like a complete killjoy :(

What kinds of things did she enjoy when you first started dating? it might be fun to re-create some of your favorite dates from early in your relationship.

But the computer game thing? I think you need to bring this up with the counselor, if you haven't already. At some point you may need to ask her which is more important to her--her marriage, or her computer games.

ETA: Sorry, I missed the later posts in the thread while I was writing... I think what you have planned sounds really fantastic :)
 
#18 · (Edited)
Jeez, CopperTop, your wife sounds like a complete killjoy :(

What kinds of things did she enjoy when you first started dating? it might be fun to re-create some of your favorite dates from early in your relationship.
We had a non-traditional courtship and early marriage. I was on the road... a lot... something like 200-250 days a year. I would see her for one or two days a month at most. Then it was easy to fill the time.

A lot of the time we did nothing... dinner, movie, then quiet time. It was very nice.

After I changed jobs to get away from all the travel, we used to do house projects together (landscaping, improvements etc) but that all stopped with the arrival of C3.



But the computer game thing? I think you need to bring this up with the counselor, if you haven't already. At some point you may need to ask her which is more important to her--her marriage, or her computer games.
It's not the game as much as it's her. Before she discovered games, she was deep, deep, deep into genealogy, and she acted the same way. She would spend hours each night working on her family tree, then once every few months she would leave the kids with me, drive down to Georgia where her family is from, and spend the weekend researching.

I have pointed out to her already that she spend a LOT of time on the games (about 4 hours a night and 12+ hours a day on Saturday and Sunday) but she doesn't see a problem and thinks I just don't want her to have a life of her own.

We had that same discussion on genealogy and it went nowhere. I haven't brought it up because it was just our first session and it was mostly a meet and greet type of thing.



ETA: Sorry, I missed the later posts in the thread while I was writing... I think what you have planned sounds really fantastic :)
Thanks! I haven't told her what I have planned yet, but I am already getting some pushback. She is actually getting two spa sessions. The package offers two spa sessions, two rounds of golf or one of each. Since I don't golf, I am giving her both spa sessions.

I told her to be ready to leave just after lunch. But that is interfering with her plans on the game, and she is fretting about C4 staying home alone for five hours until C3 arrives home from work... never mind he is 15.

We'll see how it all works out.
 
#26 ·
You may want to start with a less intensive date at first.
Then she should have spoken up. I tried to get her input on what she would have liked to do, but she didn't want to do anything.

So, when in doubt, go to impress.



So did SHE read HNHN? There needs to be a discussion about how her gaming is an LB for you.
No. We don't talk about intimacy, we don't read about intimacy and we don't participate in intimacy.

I'm not sure what an "LB" is. It's not in the acronym list.
 
#24 ·
Depending on her love language, she may not care WHAT you do as long as you're together. For me, I'm all about physical touch and quality time. Some of the best bonding times we have is cuddling on the couch watching a movie or even sitting in bed watching goofy Youtube videos. Laughing like teenagers really bonds us. Put the kids in bed, lock your bedroom door and turn off your phones. Be together. Sexy time will follow and you save money.

Since he's big into recreational compatibility, I enjoy going to sporting events with him. Not that I'm the biggest sports nut, but again, I don't care so much about WHAT I'm doing...just being WITH him. We eat crappy food and curse when our teams lose (we live in a loser team city). I think your goal with dating at this point is to just figure each other out. The rebonding doesn't happen overnight.
 
#29 ·
Depending on her love language, she may not care WHAT you do as long as you're together.
Words of affirmation and acts of service.


For me, I'm all about physical touch and quality time. Some of the best bonding times we have is cuddling on the couch watching a movie or even sitting in bed watching goofy Youtube videos. Laughing like teenagers really bonds us. Put the kids in bed, lock your bedroom door and turn off your phones. Be together. Sexy time will follow and you save money.
To quote C2... "The only thing I want to do when I go to bed is to sleep."



Since he's big into recreational compatibility, I enjoy going to sporting events with him. Not that I'm the biggest sports nut, but again, I don't care so much about WHAT I'm doing...just being WITH him. We eat crappy food and curse when our teams lose (we live in a loser team city). I think your goal with dating at this point is to just figure each other out. The rebonding doesn't happen overnight.
I understand. But she doesn't want to do anything like the stuff you mentioned. No movies. No snuggles. No being together. We share no common interests because her only interest is her game and I just can't get into them.

I'm more of a doer. I like to do things. Simple things. For example, there is a terrific city park within walking distance of our house. It's full of paved walking trails, many of which follow a little burbling stream. In the 10 years we have lived in this house, she has never been there with me. Not interested.

I have some antique cars. I have offered time and again to take her with me to an event. I'm not fussy about my cars like some, so I let people sit in them and let them take pictures of their kids behind the wheels. I've met some great and friendly people. She can't be bothered.

Movies? Maybe once or twice a year... and we take the kids. Movie night at home. "You guys (me and the kids) go ahead. Maybe I will join you later." She never does.

I had to argue HARD to get her to stop inviting the kids out with us on your anniversary when they got old enough to stay home alone.

She's a very tough nut to crack, which is why, after 20 years trying, I have FINALLY manged to get her into counseling to try to work on these issue.

Since she wouldn't give many any guidance I went all out to impress.
 
#25 ·
Wow. How did you (and WHY) stick around so long?

She can't walk? I could see why sex is off the table if all she wants to do is eat and be on the computer. 12 hours a day is EXCESSIVE. 4 hours a day is EXCESSIVE. Ask the counselor what is a reasonable amount and have her commit to that. Set a timer if you have to. I'd insist on walks after dinner and just hold hands. Make it nightly. It can be a very leisurely stroll at first, brisker later.

What about a museum? That's very slow walking, talking, comparing perspectives on things. Gives you something to talk about, too.

I realize you have plans (fabulous ones at that - I'd do all of that, a walk AND sex several times!) but maybe for next time or for a date night?

Good luck. Your post makes me sad.
 
#27 ·
You sure you read HNHN? It's not about intimacy. It's about a healthy relationship.

LB is a basic tenet of HNHN. You have Emotional Needs that your spouse should be meeting and you should be meeting your spouse's ENs. And there are things your spouse does that Love Bust you (make you unhappy) just as there are LBs that YOU do to her.

The goal is to meet your spouse's top 5 ENs and eliminate the ways that you LB her; and for her to meet YOUR top 5 ENs and eliminate HER LBs against you. Which, in your case, would be the hours of gaming - it makes you unhappy.

So there needs to be a discussion about ENs and LBs - hopefully in front of a MC, so that you two agree what you each need moving forward and both agree to DO something about it.
 
#36 ·
Not to hijack my own thread... but yes, I have read the book, but it was a long time ago. The problem I have is that if I behave (no seduction attempts) she thinks we have the perfect marriage. She gets everything she wants.

As far as my wants? She meets a lot of them, but the big one that we're missing is intimacy. And she sees that as MY problem so she doesn't care to address it. My asking for intimacy is "love buster" issue for her.

Sorry about the LB. There are so many acronyms on Talk About Marriage I have a hard time keeping up sometimes.
 
#31 ·
Date night? Well, if she won't go, tell her you're going alone or with whoever else will go with you. The therapist said! Did the therapist say you had to take your wife?

Seriously, though, she seems passive-aggressive about this idea. And you said she ruled out any physical activities. Is she disabled? That would be a legitimate excuse, perhaps, but otherwise doing something together that is outside BOTH your comfort zones is a very good idea to help connect and bond.
 
#37 ·
Date night? Well, if she won't go, tell her you're going alone or with whoever else will go with you. The therapist said! Did the therapist say you had to take your wife?
No, the therapist didn't say I had to take C2. But... can I sleep in your garage? ;)



Seriously, though, she seems passive-aggressive about this idea. And you said she ruled out any physical activities. Is she disabled?
She is very passive-aggressive when she doesn't want to do something.

Overweight with brewing heart troubles.



That would be a legitimate excuse, perhaps, but otherwise doing something together that is outside BOTH your comfort zones is a very good idea to help connect and bond.
I'm game for just about anything at this point to try to get us back on track. But for us to find that something, I require a little input.
 
#32 ·
Why won't she do stuff simply because YOU want to? Don't you do things with or for her that you aren't that crazy about? Isn't marriage about compromise, not her way 'or else'? I understand being LD but she almost sounds depressed, withdrawn or maybe was abused as a child. Does she laugh? Does she find JOY in anything besides the kids?
 
#38 ·
Why won't she do stuff simply because YOU want to?
She will, but only to a point.


Don't you do things with or for her that you aren't that crazy about?
All the time, but mine are very simple. Like shopping with her so I can tote packages. Mostly she asks very little from me because she doesn't really want to do anything.



Isn't marriage about compromise, not her way 'or else'? I understand being LD but she almost sounds depressed, withdrawn or maybe was abused as a child. Does she laugh?
I don't want to paint her in a bad light. It isn't "my way or the highway" with her. But she has no interests other than the game. And before that, genealogy.

And yes, she laughs easily.


Does she find JOY in anything besides the kids?
The game. Her family (mother, sister, aunts, uncles etc). She likes to eat out once a week since she cooks all the meals (my job is house cleaning, laundry, cars & outside).

She's not a bad person... she just more interested in her friends and the game than she is in me most of the time.
 
#35 ·
What I'm saying here doesn't add a thing, so for that I'm sorry. Already complaining? How negative! I couldn't stand it. I'd be out. I'm not encouraging you to give up, I'm amazed at your tenacity.

Ignore the complaints. Just tell her to be ready. This is what you planned. Yes that's when we're leaving. No negotiation. Same with the other events.
 
#39 ·
Wow, your wife is a total drag! She is going to HAVE to step out of her comfort zone if she wants to make this work. If she refuses to do it, then that tells you where she really is with things, that she doesnt care to save it.

Personally, I think you should do a few date nights that are JUST dates, and skip the overnights for now. Take the sex off the table for a little bit to help her feel more comfortable, she probably feels pressured by that. I certainly would. Get comfortable just being one on one for a little while first.
 
#42 ·
I think what the counselor is thinking is that she doesn't want to do "date nights." If we go out, the kids tag along because she feels bad leaving them behind.

I don't know why she would feel pressured for sex. We have been intimate once in 13 months and it was her idea. I have backed completely off from initiating because it was driving us ever farther apart.

This weekend will be the same thing. I won't even try.
 
#45 ·
It will be hard to break the computer that she apparently likes a lot. Without the walking or the walking is an issue there is not much you can do. Museums, nope. Go to a historical spot for the day, nope. So what gives that she can not walk?

It appears she is making up excuses to stay home on the computer?
 
#49 ·
She had a heart attack scare a few weeks back and the doctors discovered an enlarged heart (probably because of her weight problem).

When she walks very far she says her chest hurts. The doctors said light exercise. She is to start out slow and work up on her exercise.

We are walking, slowly, a few nights a week for about a half-mile. Those are kind of nice. We hold hands and chat. At least she is getting out of the house.
 
#48 ·
Maybe baby steps will help. If she's overweight with brewing heart trouble she NEEDS exercise and walking is the perfect way to start. And it can be perfect couple time as well. Just 30 minutes after dinner while the kids clean up the kitchen.

Maybe she could compromise on that as a 'homework' item? Get some very mild exercise, give you both alone time and it's not a LOT of time away from her game so it's a small concession.

I'm glad she still laughs and finds joy in things. It sounds like she escapes into the game to avoid dealing with the marital issues and her weight/health issues and general unhappiness. IMO
 
#51 ·
She has been ignoring her weight for a very long time. But, maybe, this scare has gotten her attention.

For the first time in a very long time, she appears to be trying to manage her weight, and is succeeding.

I hope that is a sign that better times are around the corner. We've had plenty of the "or for worse..." now I ready for some "for better."
 
#52 ·
imho, the games have to stop and there is no softly softly approach - cold turkey and a lifestyle change.

I speak as someone susceptible to game addiction with a mother who is also a game addict. Its very pervasive and ruins lives.

I have been able to manage my addiction (not to say it hasn't had negative effects on my life) but she clearly cannot, and should seek professional help. I wish you the best, you may have to risk losing her to save her (and yourself)
 
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