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I cant seem to move on

1K views 6 replies 7 participants last post by  badsanta 
#1 ·
There is this guy that i fell head over heels for a year ago. We are friends and there was always attraction there. We eventually slept together and i fell in love with him.

I told him how i feel and he doesn't feel the same way but wants to stay friends with me. I don't want to lose him as a friend but i cannot seem to move on no matter what i do. We talk regularly and i always end up contacting him again if he doesn't reply right away. No matter what i do i cannot stop thinking about him.

Any advice on how to just accept it? The weird thing is that when i start to put distance there he seems more in contact which just sucks me back in and then the cycle starts again as i am always thinking there is some meaning to it. I just don't know what to do. I always wonder if he will change his mind if i act less needy towards him.
 
#2 ·
You may not want to, but the only way you are ever going to move on is if you end contact with him.

You are prolonging your heartache by the regular contact. Tell him plainly that for yourself, you need to stop doing this because it's not healthy for you.

Neediness isn't a turn on. It's a turn off. In fact, he may be even further repelled by the fact that he told you he wasn't into you like that and you continued to contact him all the time - even reaching out again the times he never responds/replies. It probably only pushes him away. He knows he's got you in his back pocket and that you have no dignity because you haven't let go despite the fact he told you he doesn't want anything with you romantically.



 
#3 ·
The best thing to do about an addiction is to quit, remove all things as best as possible to keep your mind away from it. Perhaps one day, you might be tired of chasing him, and then just become emotionally exhausted, but isn't it better to quit now, so you save time and energy. With that extra time, perhaps you can use it to improve yourself and attract someone who wants to be with you.

Maybe there is something there with him, but if he does not want to be in a relationship, best thing to do is move on. He probably does have some sort of an attachment to you, whether it is from friendship, or an ego boost he receives from you, he should be someone on the do not chase list, it will only cause you more distress.
 
#4 ·
I was in a similar situation decades ago with a young woman (though no sex).

The only solution was to go cold turkey. I wrote saying I had to stop seeing her. The pain wore off after time.

The strange thing is that I found out many years later that she was still unmarried. Indeed she has never married. She is now over 60.

Some people just cannot commit. It is sad, I think, but there it is.
 
#7 ·
Sometimes it helps to reverse things in your mind. Think of a person with whom you are friends with but do not really have any romantic chemistry with them. Now imagine they are crazy for you and would do anything to have a more meaningful romantic relationship. How would you feel?

A. You would be nice to that person because you don't want to hurt them.

B. While it may bother you a little but, not readily being aware of how much the other person is struggling with just being friends, you might continue to take advantage of the friendship since they always seem to be available whenever you want.

C. Perhaps you might give in and try something sexual to see if it develops, but the awkward emotions afterwards would cause you to be withdrawn.

That is a mental exercise that should help you with this other guy that you can't let go of...
 
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