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Finding an apartment

1K views 12 replies 11 participants last post by  EleGirl 
#1 ·
I live with my girlfriend and her 13 year old son. We're both in our late 30s and have been together for about six years, living together now for about four years.

The problem is that our apartment is too small. Her son has the main bedroom, and our bed is in a room that is supposed to be a winter garden. We've made it as nice as we can but it would be great to have a "proper" room and more space in the apartment for us all.

I've been looking now for a few months and am finding it hard to find somewhere that meet my girlfriends requirements. It has to be close to her sons school, and close to public transport so that she can get to work in the afternoon and the university she is currently doing a course to improve her career. If I were able to broaden the search I would find it easier but such a limited area is making it difficult. Also, she refuses to let me view an apartment on my own, so I need to arrange a time that suits her. This is difficult because she can only do weekends or after 1930 because of her work. Quite a few of the apartments I've contacted have a problem with that. This creates a bottleneck to viewing an apartment, along with the fact that it takes a while for her to look at the apartments I have "found" and submitted to the spreadsheet. I search every day for apartments and add them to the sheet for her to give me the green light to arrange a viewing.

Lately she has become increasingly angry with me, accusing me of spinning stories of wanting to move apartment when actually I'm happy with our current apartment. I've tried to convince her this is not the case but she continues to call me a liar. She also claims that I am not putting in enough energy to finding an apartment, and that this all proves I do not really love her, am not committed to the relationship, and want to keep the status quo as it gives me a easy way to leave if I become dissatisfied with the relationship. Again, this is not true and I have tried to convince her so.

My normal day is one where I get up around 0630, work, arrive home around 1800, give the apartment a hoover, tidy the mess from her son (and her), cook dinner, have dinner, help with cleaning dishes, do some ironing (most her sons), and then have another look for apartments. She doesn't seem to give me any slack for not finding one even though I'm trying. I am trying! She is getting increasingly angry, mean, unfair, accusing.

Even though I'm trying I am paranoid that I'm not trying hard enough and want to find a way to "try harder" to prove that "i am not lying" but it's not helping. When I explained the spreadsheet and showed her what I was doing, and that surely this shows I'm working on it, she accused me of creating the spreadsheet as a means of pretending to look for an apartment when I'm not interested.

Please help.
 
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#2 ·
Keep looking for apartments for yourself. Your girlfriend sounds like a B****. She is paranoid and doesn't appreciate what you do for her. Move out and be on your own. Her 13 year old is also going to be more difficult to live with as he gets older. If you really thought you two had a future together you would have made her your wife not just a shack up honey.
 
#6 ·
The problem is that our apartment is too small. Her son has the main bedroom, and our bed is in a room that is supposed to be a winter garden.
Why is her 13 year old in the main bedroom and not you guys?

I've been looking now for a few months and am finding it hard to find somewhere that meet my girlfriends requirements.

Also, she refuses to let me view an apartment on my own, so I need to arrange a time that suits her. This is difficult because she can only do weekends or after 1930 because of her work.

I search every day for apartments and add them to the sheet for her to give me the green light to arrange a viewing.

Lately she has become increasingly angry with me, accusing me of spinning stories of wanting to move apartment when actually I'm happy with our current apartment. I've tried to convince her this is not the case but she continues to call me a liar. She also claims that I am not putting in enough energy to finding an apartment, and that this all proves I do not really love her, am not committed to the relationship, and want to keep the status quo as it gives me a easy way to leave if I become dissatisfied with the relationship.

My normal day is one where I get up around 0630, work, arrive home around 1800, give the apartment a hoover, tidy the mess from her son (and her), cook dinner, have dinner, help with cleaning dishes, do some ironing (most her sons), and then have another look for apartments. She doesn't seem to give me any slack for not finding one even though I'm trying. I am trying! She is getting increasingly angry, mean, unfair, accusing.

Even though I'm trying I am paranoid that I'm not trying hard enough and want to find a way to "try harder" to prove that "i am not lying" but it's not helping. When I explained the spreadsheet and showed her what I was doing, and that surely this shows I'm working on it, she accused me of creating the spreadsheet as a means of pretending to look for an apartment when I'm not interested.

Please help.
Dude.

She isn't nice, is unkind, is accusatory, calls you a liar, has her boy sleeping in the main bedroom where you should be with her, isn't willing to help out and sounds like an a55hole, essentially.

Find an apartment for yourself. She doesn't even seem to like you.



 
#7 ·
Is there any appeal to this relationship? Seems you are primary breadwinner, do the cooking and cleaning, support her and her son. And she give you attitude about anything and everything.

And you sleep in a makeshift garden room, so her son can be more comfortable.

That woman doesn't deserve you.
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#8 ·
You are a meal ticket to your girlfriend and her son. She is an entitled princess. She can definitely find the time to find an apartment herself. Ask her to leave so that you can have the apartment to yourself. You need to find a woman who will be appreciative of you and don't have this baggage.
 
#9 ·
When I explained the spreadsheet and showed her what I was doing, and that surely this shows I'm working on it, she accused me of creating the spreadsheet as a means of pretending to look for an apartment when I'm not interested.

Please help.

:scratchhead:wtf?
a.) she needs a chill pill
b.) she doesn't want to find another apt and she is using you as a scapegoat.
 
#12 ·
OP here. :)

Thanks for all the comments and support. It helps.

Sometimes, when you live with someone, the four walls close in on you, making it hard to see clearly. It becomes easy to believe you're the one at fault. That's certainly the way I was going... believing I was the one who wasn't trying hard enough and it was my behaviour that's wrong. Your messages help me to see things a little clearer. Thank you.

Her behaviour is definitely not pleasant, supportive, or loving. In fact, as one poster said, she's acting like a b***. That's a word I don't like using but, sadly, it does seem very applicable. I wish it wasn't. I wish I could find a better, less offensive, word. I made the mistake of caller her a b*** in an argument last week. As a consequence I'm now a nasty guy who can't control his temper. Funny... considering that through my life I've generally been a very calm person.

Anyway... what to do? I have left the relationship before for a few months because of her behaviour and ended up returning. Now I'm at the point where I'm seriously considering calling it a day for good. There are good points to it. I wouldn't be in it if there were not. She can, despite these terrible incidents, be very loving and giving (i.e. yesterday I returned from work and she had cooked the dinner and a cake, so that I didn't have to do so much. That was nice).

There are so many wonderful moments and features to our relationship but I'm wondering if I can cope with the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality swings. I'm not sure I can. The issue I described above is not the only issue we face in this relationship. It's just really sad how someone who claims they are scared of their partner leaving them, can sabotage their security so easily by behaving in a way that their partner ultimately leaves them.

Returning to the apartment situation. There is an irony here. I wasn't telling stories, I really did want to find an apartment. But... because of her accusations and behaviour I'm now questioning whether I should move with her. So, in the end, like some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy she becomes right. Maybe I don't really want to move with her. Funny isn't it?
 
#13 · (Edited)
The 13 year old should be able to do his own laundry and ironing.

All 3 of mine learned to wash their own clothing, bed sheets, towels, etc. when they turned 10. I never did even one load of their clothing after that. It's teaches a child responsibility to let them do as much for themselves as possible.

I agree that it's wrong that her son has the larger bedroom while you and her have the garden room. It could give the kid the idea that he's the center of the household. Not a good thing at all.

And most of all, find a new apartment near your work. Cutting out 2-2.5 hours a day of commute will improve your life. And getting out of this relationship will be a double improvement.

Seriously, why do you put up with being treated like that? She can only mistreat you if you are there allowing it. If you leave, she can yell at the furniture.
 
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