Hi, and thanks for reading
I am looking for your opinion on how you would react if your partner told you "when you do 'a', it makes me feel 'b'". One example would be "when you don't keep your promises, it makes me feel like you don't care about me". My husband's response to a statement like that is usually that it is not his intention and he doesn't want me to feel this way. BUT he continues to not keep his promises.
It really baffles me. If he doesn't want me to feel this way, why would he keep doing it? Am I being totally unreasonable here? Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to work on keeping his promises to make me feel cared for.
Another example would be "when you don't compliment me, it makes me feel like you don't care about me". He again says it is not his intention, but he still doesn't complement me.
I'd say "When you say you care about my feelings but then show complete disregard for them by not making an effort to change your behavior, it makes me want a divorce."
I'd say "When you say you care about my feelings but then show complete disregard for them by not making an effort to change your behavior, it makes me want a divorce."
Seems pretty straight forward to me. I think most people would understand.
Although, he may feel that by telling you "this is not my intention" he has fixed the problem. "When you don't compliment, me I feel like you don't care about me", "But honey when I don't compliment you, it doesn't mean I don't care about you. I just don't think to do it." In his mind PROBLEM SOLVED.
Tell him straight up. "I need you to compliment me in order to feel loved."
Well, there are two ways to look at this: he could change what he does, or you could change how you feel. Maybe he thinks the latter is the solution rather than the former.
Maybe you could add, "..., so I would appreciate it if you would [not] do that, as I can't seem to change how I feel about it."
Well, there are two ways to look at this: he could change what he does, or you could change how you feel. Maybe he thinks the latter is the solution rather than the former.
Maybe you could add, "..., so I would appreciate it if you would [not] do that, as I can't seem to change how I feel about it."
I haven't tried this yet.
I am trying to understand what drives him. Normally when I start conversations like that, they results in an argument with him saying it is not his intention to make me feel like that, my feeling are unreasonable, etc, etc. He eventually makes me go crazy and start yelling.
TBH this seems a bit vague. For example, as far as compliments, what are we talkinig about here? Are you expecting to receive compliments from him every day, just occasional acknowledgments, etc...? Is he saying something to you that makes you feel like he is doing the opposite of complimenting you? Are you looking for constant attention, is that the type of compliment you are looking for?
As far as the promises, if he says he will do something he should, but once again, what type of promises? Did he promise to pick up eggs on the way from work, did he promise not to go out in public without pants anymore, etc ...?
It is hard to say whether or not you are being unreasonable without understanding better the promises and the compliments in question.
TBH this seems a bit vague. For example, as far as compliments, what are we talkinig about here? Are you expecting to receive compliments from him every day, just occasional acknowledgments, etc...? Is he saying something to you that makes you feel like he is doing the opposite of complimenting you? Are you looking for constant attention, is that the type of compliment you are looking for?
As far as the promises, if he says he will do something he should, but once again, what type of promises? Did he promise to pick up eggs on the way from work, did he promise not to go out in public without pants anymore, etc ...?
It is hard to say whether or not you are being unreasonable without understanding better the promises and the compliments in question.
Well, I don't think I am looking for constant attention. A weekly "you look good" would suffice. He doesn't compliment at all. I have even specifically said that I work hard at the gym, and could he please acknowledge that?
Another example is I called him at work with good news about a medical test result. He said "Ok, let's talk about it later tonight". He never brought it up again.
Or I ask him to cut the grass. He doesn't. I remind him a week later, and he says he is going to do it. I remind him again another week later, and he says "can't you see that I am busy".
We did go to counselling. It revolved around resolving arguments that we were having. We would come and say "We argued about X". She would help us resolve it, but our communication didn't really improve.
He also seemed to be latching onto her words that work for him. For example, it was counsellor's words that if he doesn't communicate things, I would make up my own story. So now, whenever I complain, he tells me that I am making up a story. It is rather hurtful.
The counsellor also said that him not keeping his promises is making me loose my trust in him. That never seemed to register. But whenever I remind him that I don't really trust his word, he gets upset and says that I am saying hurtful things.
I just want to really stick my foot in here because there is more going on than you thought at first. I have skimmed rather than read the thread. I see that this is starting to be discussed.
I'm going to use my own feelings rather than yours so you can see this from the outside. The point of this is that your husband is trying to tell you that your feelings do not reflect a reality. Essentially you are saying to him "I need you to change your behavior for me to be happy." Changing people is hard. It takes a lot of time. And the key element is that the person making the change, has to be motivated to do it.
ok back to the example. I say to my wife "When you don't talk with me about the relationship, I feel that you are distancing yourself from me emotionally" She says She is just tired. Now at this point I can believe what she says or I can believe what I feel. Either one might be right. But the thing I believe will affect the relationship either for good or bad.
You also have the choice as to what you believe. You are not controlled by your emotions. Usually it is best to not take actions based on your feelings until they are proven to be true.
MN
I can't recall when the last time I was complimented by my H. What I noticed is that the more I asked just about anything and I don't get any results, he takes it as white noise and I'm just being a nag. This constant disregard for my feelings left me feeling frustrated and angry with him. I didn't like that he had such a hold on my emotions that I could be feeling fine and beautiful but not having it validated by him was making me more depressed. So, I stopped seeking his approval. I had to be enough for myself. If I'm feeling pretty, I tell myself that I look good and it boost my self esteem. I also had to practice daily affirmation to keep me centered. The more I repeated the words out loud while looking in the mirror, the more I internalized them. I've come to see that my H wasn't a puppet and I couldn't make him do anything but I can improve on myself. So, if my 8 year old tells me that I look beautiful, I stop and give him a hug and tell him "thank you, honey. Mommy really appreciate that compliment". Yes, it would be nice if it came from my H but I no longer am looking for him to validate me. While I on the other hand offers him complemenents, he doesn't seem to appreciate it so they are few and far between.
Give him VERY these specific instructions saying you want to try something to solve a problem you are having. Men love to solve problems. Give him a chance to do so. Say...
"Promise me right now in fifteen minutes, you will give me a compliment and then actually do so. My heart needs that from you within fifteen without fail. Can you do that for me?"
Insist on an answer.
If you do that for me I will give you a scooby snack which can be whatever you want it to be.
"when you don't keep your promises, it makes me feel like you don't care about me". My husband's response to a statement like that is usually that it is not his intention and he doesn't want me to feel this way. BUT he continues to not keep his promises.
It really baffles me. If he doesn't want me to feel this way, why would he keep doing it? Am I being totally unreasonable here? Is it unreasonable of me to expect him to work on keeping his promises to make me feel cared for.
OK, I'm going to play devils advocate here. Kind of like when the police set up a sting to arrest someone, but then they can't because they were entrapping the suspects and creating crime that did not otherwise exist had they not set up their sting.
If you already know your husband is going to break his promises, why would you get him to promise you something and then tell yourself that if he breaks this promise that he does not care about you? Seems like you are nagging him and finding ways to get him in trouble and make the situation worse by creating problems of telling yourself he does not care about you based on predicable behavior.
I could easily argue that you do not care about him or yourself because you have not demonstrated any followthrough on your end of making him keep his promises.
Instead of entrapping your husband into committing repeated relationship misdemeanors, try using your efforts to entrap him into doing something positive! A good example might be to go out and buy some sexy thong underwear and put it somewhere he will obviously find it when he does his morning routine. Put a note on it that says, "if you want to see me in these, then don't forget to fix the mailbox!" In the event he fixes the mailbox right away and smiles about it, that is also a compliment of how beautiful he thinks you are!
A good example might be to go out and buy some sexy thong underwear and put it somewhere he will obviously find it when he does his morning routine. Put a note on it that says, "if you want to see me in these, then don't forget to fix the mailbox!" In the event he fixes the mailbox right away and smiles about it, that is also a compliment of how beautiful he thinks you are!
I tried this, didn't work as expected, my wife just ended up getting pissed wanting to know why some other woman's thong underwear were in our house ... Also, it raised more questions about why would she want to see me in a woman's thong ...
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