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How to handle flirting wife

10K views 38 replies 29 participants last post by  techmom 
#1 ·
My wife had a girlfriend from work and we would hang out with her and her husband. We would go camping together, go to dinner and go away for ski weekends, etc. I didn't dislike them but they were my wife's friends. I could get along with them fine and did enjoy hanging out with them as time went on but they were still my wife's friends.

So, the couple has since divorced. The wife moved far away but the husband is still around. He's made every effort to stay in touch with us and I've played basketball with him and invited him on a few guy trips with my other buddies. He's a good guy and I have no real issue with him. He will stop by the house every couple of weeks (sometimes unannounced which is irritating) and we will occasionally grab a bite and a beer with him to see how he's doing. Again, he's not a bad guy at all and he's been going through a rough patch.

My wife is, let's say friendly, and she has in the past crossed a few of my lines when drinking but we all make mistakes. I had planned to go out of town with some buddies for a backpacking trip the upcoming weekend and had invited this friend along as well. This friend stopped by early that week to drop off something and while there mentioned he wouldn't be able to make the trip because he was volunteering for a race that weekend. He also mentioned a band that was playing that my wife liked and she immediately, while my friend was there, ordered 1 ticket. I thought to myself, I guess my wife and this friend will end up at this concert together. It made me feel a little weird but whatever.

So, as the week moved on my backpacking trip fell through, weather, injury, work. Everyone bailed. So, my wife said why don't you come to the show with me. Great, I thought. I ordered my ticket and we went. We had a good time and we did indeed end up hanging out with this friend and some of his people. At one point I left my wife and this friend in the crowd to go speak to a mutual friend of ours, just for like 30 seconds to say hello. When I returned my wife and this friend were like hugging and and dancing. No biggie, except I had to stand there awkwardly until they stopped. It also bothered me that as soon as I walked away they were arm in arm. Like they were waiting for me to leave.

After the show we met up with this friend and his group of friends. We were trying to get a table but it was crowded that night so we were waiting in the front. We were starving and they said it was an hour wait so my wife and I and this guy decided to go somewhere else to get some food. My wife led the way and I said a few words to one of the guys on the way out so I was a little behind them. My wife had held the door for this friend and as he walked past she slapped him on the ass. She then looked up and saw me and realized I had just seen her do this and laughed a little uncomfortably.

I said nothing and we walked to another restaurant but ended up just leaving because there were waits everywhere. After we said our goodbyes to the friend I, as calmly and casually as I could, asked how she would feel if I smacked one of our female friends on the ass. It then turned into an all out meltdown. She denied doing it, then said she did it to both of us, then said I was making things up and was delusional. I then lost my cool and we had a very bad fight. I ended up punching the windshield in her car and breaking it. I didn't intend to break it I was just angry and we were both fueled by alcohol. Not my finest moment I know but she was lying to my face about smacking this guy on his ass.

It's now been almost a week and we finally talked last night. I told her I was uncomfortable with her around this friend and I wished she could not act this way toward him and others. She accused me of being controlling and delusional again. She does not deny smacking him on the ass now though as she did that night. It don't know what to do. Am I being a control freak? I feel like she crossed a line and I am justified in feeling hurt and uncomfortable around this guy. From her perspective I don't want her to have any friends and I'm just trying to control her and what she does and who she is friends with. I've not once asked her to not be friends with this guy. I've just expressed that I am uncomfortable around them and asked her to change her behavior when around him.

Does anyone have any wisdom they could lend me on this one?
 
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#2 · (Edited)
Your wife's behavior is disturbing... what you say makes it sound like something is going on between them.

If you talk to her again, she is just continue accusing you are trying to control her. What I would do is to keep an eye on what's going on between them.

For example putting a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car, secured with adhesive backed Velcro under the front seat. Most cheaters use their car as a private phone booth while driving around. You might capture her side of some interesting phone conversations.

Check her cell phone bill. Is she calling/txting a number a lot? Check her phone for the context of texts.

Do not confront her right away if you get some evidence that shows she's up to no good. Get copies of everything and store them in a safe place. And then come here and talk it out with folks to get a plan of action. Never confront without a plan and without solid evidence.
 
#4 ·
Set up your snooping tech... then tell her in no uncertain terms that she can no longer be friends with this man and you tell him to stay away as you find their relationship too close for comfort. Take the lead. Be controlling. Stomp down hard. If your wife says you are controlling so be it! Be controlling. She is flirting and most likely this guy was planning on fvcking your wife while you were gone on your trip.

If she fights, tell her to get out and you will divorce her.
Stop it before it escalates.
Remember what players do...
instigate, isolate, escalate.

There is a chance they've already been doing it.
Why did they get divorced?
Was he cheating on her?

Sorry you are here.
 
#6 ·
That she denies slapping him on the rear, when she knows you saw him, and then threw a big tantrum of denial says a lot.

Don't like the dancin either. If they danced while you were still in the group that's one thing. But RIGHT AFTER YOU WALKED AWAY is a big red flag. Like they were biding their time.

VAR (voice activiated recorder) In the car is a great idea. Tips on VARS can be found here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


Just curious. Why did this guy divorce? How long ago was the divorce?
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#8 · (Edited)
Ah, the "controlling" card. This is a pretty common tactic, and it's meant to shame you into feeling like a knuckle-dragging, misogynist neanderthal.

It's pretty clear that your wife has some pretty poor boundaries. What's not clear is the extent to which she's crossed or is crossing them -- and/or allowing others to do so as well -- when you're not around. I'd agree w/ the others here in that some discrete sleuthing would be in order.

I'm not saying that there's anything going on between your wife and this guy, but I am saying that you'd be a fool if you didn't start digging a bit.

ETA: Chap already asked, but I'll ask as well... is your wife the girlfriend from the thread that you started back in late 2010? How about the friend... is he the guy mentioned in that thread?
 
#9 ·
How old are you and your wife? As this guy is your wife's friend and he is divorced, I would be not too close to this guy. Stop your so called friendship with him. Your wife is definitely interested in this guy and pursuing him. Slapping a guy in his rear end and hanging out with this guy is not healthy to your relationship.

What is disturbing is that your wife denies that she slapped this guy's rear end, right in front of you, and denied it. She rewrites the history and made it as if you are crazy. Set your boundaries right away and do not be friends with this guy any longer.

Let trusted people know what you have observed. Extra pairs of eyes will be in order. Observe and be vigilant. Do not be a victim to anxiety, brought on by your wife's behavior.
 
#10 ·
In 2010, you mentioned your girlfriend being touchy and feely about one particular male friend. They hang out together, she tells you that she was interested in him, and they watched porn together. You watch porn together to have sex. Do you not understand this grave situation? Is this the same woman that you married? If this is the same woman, God help you. You definitely need to see a psychologist and work on your self-esteem. You are battered psychologically.
 
#20 ·
After looking at the thread from November 2010, it appears that he did. She had inappropriate friendships before the marriage, she now has inappropriate friendships within the marriage.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/18961-guy-friend-who-interested.html

What's the definition of insanity??
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#12 ·
Good thing the backpacking trip was cancelled. Weird that she ordered one concert ticket when she heard the friend was going. I agree with the others. Quietly do some investigative work. The first and easiest is to simply check the cell phone bills.

She's too comfortable with the friend. He's now unattached and she clearly likes him. Even if they haven't crossed the line into physicality, the slap and the hugging and dancing could easily be gateway incidents. Not a good idea to let your wife be close to a single man.
 
#13 ·
OK she now knows how you feel about her behavior. Now it's up to her to heed the warning and act like a respectful wife to you. If she doesn't then you have a good idea that there's more to it and don't be afraid to let her know that you'll end things in a heartbeat with her. The ball is in her corner now. Just keep an eye on er to see what she'll do about it.
 
#14 ·
Keep a VAR on your person anytime you might be with her, especially at home. You don't want her to try and claim you physically abused her and call the police to have you thrown out of your home.

I'd think about ripping this "friend" a new one and telling him to stay away from your home and wife. Make sure you have the VAR, and other things the experts here advise, in place first.

IamSomebody
 
#15 ·
If your wife is the same lady who was your girlfriend in your thread from five years ago, then I would say this behavior is nothing new and really to be expected.

She is a serial flirt, and her behavior now (and then) is completely inappropriate.

You are not overreacting. But I don't see how you can change her ingrained behavior -- it seems deeply rooted in her personality. It looks like nothing much has changed in those five years.

Decide whether or not you can live with a wife who behaves this way.

(If this is not the same woman, sorry for the confusion.)
 
#16 ·
Sorry to read about your situation.

Unfortunately, if you drop down to the the CWI section, there are all too many stories that start out just like yours.

For me (and I am hyper vigilent) I would look for other threads where weightlifter and gus post and follow their advice.

Either you find something or there is nothing to find, but either way, you are protecting your marriage and relationship.

Keep cool on the alcohol and as many people have said many times...its time to STFU.

Good luck.
 
#18 ·
I have hard stops on boundaries. IF my wife slapped any man on the a$$ I would want her ever again I am filing. She can $hit talk all she wants about me being controlling. I am calling bull$hit on that because it's a boundary violation.

I would also tell her "friend" not to come by any more and tell her it's him or me and the conversation is over. She pushes back, I am going to the lawyer.

Not cool

The other advice is get off the booze and the angry outbursts and just take care of business so you remain attractive to your wife. If she does not value you like she should, you will find out when you destabilize the marriage by calling bull$hit with this disrespectful boundary violation.

What really pi$$es me off is her lying to you when you saw it with your own eyes.

I am betting she has already been more inappropriate than you know about.

To be fair, I do not believe in opposite gender single friends when married.
 
#21 ·
Billymac,

The odds of you coming back to post are probably less than 20%, but if you can clarify whether or not the male friend from the first post is the same male friend from this current post that would be appreciated.
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#22 ·
I have not read the thread that others have commented on, but regarding this situation, I think she was acting inappropriately, and if i smacked some other guys arse, my husband would be REAL upset, not that i would as its not something i would do as i am a married woman, and do not think its something you do at all even with a FRIEND.

If this is the same lady you spoke about some time ago, then it seems to me that she is a flirt, and shes known for being a flirt with what you have said about her before from reading what others have posted about her, and until you come back and tell us if its her then we can really advise you.

Whatever anyway, the fact she lied and said she did not slap his arse is very worrying as the whole thing is very worrying tbh about their whole relationship, and i really would not be happy at all with her carrying on this friendship.
 
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#23 ·
I fell for you, but at the same time, if this is the same woman that was your girlfriend from the thread 5 years ago, what exactly did you expect. You received a multitude of very good responses back then about the blatant disregard for your thoughts and boundaries.

If this is the same woman that had p1ss poor boundaries back then and started issuing marriage ultimatums, what makes you think her lack of boundaries has changed.

One thing of note. If my wife slaps another man on the ass and we make eye contact after that slap and then she denies that she slapped him on the ass, she would find herself with divorce papers on the table the next morning. Then we would be having a very long talk about boundaries. Especially after you have told her that you are not comfortable with the situation.

Please come back and answer these questions for us. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.
 
#24 ·
You need to have a sit down with her. And you need to be very firm and don't let her tell you that you're controlling, etc.

Be frank. She crossed the line.

I'd tell her that the marriage is at risk and there needs to be boundaries set with what you can accept and what the consequences will be.

I'd put my foot down so hard they measure it on the richter scale.

She sounds like a piece of work.
 
#25 ·
OP:

the best course of action right after the slap would be to have shut down the night right then and there. but those are always hindsight is 20 20. I think you handled it well.

in general she is treating you with too little respect and you are treating her with too much. I think the best comeback IMO that any guy can make to the "controlling" accusation or the "insecure" accusation is to simply say --
"No, in fact I'm secure in the fact that I need my wife to both love and respect me, and to display both through her behavior. and secure in the fact that I can find a woman who gets that. the only question is whether or not you are that woman.".
 
#29 ·
Windshield bit is not cool man, and she has ample reason to cover up any crap that she might be worried about you getting mad about.

FWIW, my buddy's wife was also a shameless flirt. She actually came out and propositioned me one day. He just got mad when I told him, and thought I misinterpreted her casual flirty behaviour.

His best friend though didn't misinterpret anything when she set her sights on him next.

My call? Go dark, get your anger under control, and go a bit magnum PI.

Time will tell. If they're gonna cheat, there's likely gonna be a flurry of comms heading up to that point.
 
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