I have been married for 6 years. I feel like I could write a whole book on this thread, but I will try to stick to one area. Here is our key issue:
During our 2nd year of marriage, I took a risk and quit my job to start my own at-home business. She agreed to the idea, so I went for it. . . and succeeded!!
With this new business, I was making much more money than the job I had quit. In addition, it allowed me to stay home and raise our son that was born 6 months after I started my business . . .so we never had to send him to daycare! Sounds great, right??
...well, as many of you probably know, even just ONE child takes a lot of time and patience to raise 5 days/50 hours a week. On top of that, I was running my own online business, which takes a great a deal of time, too. Needless to say, my free time was very limited. I was lucky to get over 4 hours of sleep on weeknights. On a typical weekday, I would watch my son from 8am to 6pm . . . during that time, I would sneak in some small windows of time for my business. Then, later on, after my wife got home and eating dinner and putting our son to bed, I would resume work at around 9pm, and stay up til 3am to get my work done for the day. As for my wife, she works a 9-5 job, Monday through Friday.
Even for a "normal" stay-at-home parent, keeping up with cleaning, dishes, and cooking can be tough . . so imagine how tough it is with a home business that takes over 40 hours! I basically left all cooking duties to my wife as well as sweeping and mopping. I took on dishes and trash and lawn maintenance. Fair deal, I thought, but there were many a days when the wife would come home and be upset about not having dinner made for her. She seemed to act as if life was not fair to her . . the fact that she worked 8 hours, then came home to immediately make dinner and bathe our son was totally unfair -- yes, that is not an easy schedule, but neither is mine!! I feel like the major problem is that not many people (INCLUDING MY WIFE) can relate to what it's like to do what I do. Seriously, how many people do you know that work from home (FULL-TIME) as well as watch their kids over 50 hours a week? Most working parents that I know of are all using daycares or family members to watch their kids during the weekdays.
My wife is also occasionally upset if she comes home to a house that is not 100% clean and tidy . . . but get this . . when the weekend comes (the time that SHE takes over on days), I wake up and always walk to the kitchen, where I see pots and pans covering the entire kitchen floor. My son is playing away while my wife is cooking breakfast. She preaches what she does not practice.
My wife even tried writing me a "To Do List" every morning. Ha! The list usually included cleaning, cooking, and baby care activities that I needed no guidance on. I ignored the list and eventually told her I was going to write HER a list. The next morning, she woke up to a list that said "Stop Writing Lists"
She has come to resent my job, as it prevents me from being the fully available companion that she wants. I tried my best -- I even would go to bed with her and wait for her to fall asleep before I went to work for the evening . . . but that was not good enough. She says it is important to her that we "fall asleep together"
She respects me fully as a father to our child, but as far as our marriage goes, I feel like it is gradually going the wrong direction. A new job may cure that issue of resentment, but I truly love what I do, and we both agreed that we wanted to have a set up where at least one of us could raise our son for the first couple years of his life instead of having a daycare worker do so. My son is now over 2 years old and much more independent, and about to go to daycare for socialization and educational purposes . . .. but that will not give me much more free time . . because we just had baby #2 a couple months ago. And this daycare for my 2yr old is not even full-time -- it is only 3 days a week. She is totally resenting my job -- it has been over 2 years since she asked me anything about my business. Not even a simple "how is business going, honey?" NOTHING
...I feel like the poop is going to hit the fan if she throws a fit about me not cooking dinner enough or any other minute household chore. Raising two kids full time while running an online business takes a lot of patience -- and I feel like I have no patience leftover for her Impatience.
Right now, I deal with her impatience and nagging by ignoring her requests or telling her I will do something "if I finish my work in time" . . . or I say "it will have to wait for now, I have other things I have to take care of right now"
All of my responses are very peaceful, but I feel like to get the full attention and respect and understanding from her, that I need to be LOUD and Aggressive. That is not my style, and I truly believe that will only make things worse. She has been with other guys that were LOUD and had no luck at all with them. I need to even her out, but at this point, I don't know if I can anymore. I feel like a ticking time bomb. I think she is ticking bomb, too.
When we first met, I allowed her to take control of everything and went along with everything. For the past couple of years, I have put my foot down and simply declined her quest for control. She is a "Control Freak Wannabe" and it bugs the crap out of her that she no longer gets her way. I think it even bugs her more that her family and friends are now realizing it . . I always say that the one thing a controlling person hates more than losing control, is having others know about it!
Any advice? I don't want that bombs to go off.
During our 2nd year of marriage, I took a risk and quit my job to start my own at-home business. She agreed to the idea, so I went for it. . . and succeeded!!
With this new business, I was making much more money than the job I had quit. In addition, it allowed me to stay home and raise our son that was born 6 months after I started my business . . .so we never had to send him to daycare! Sounds great, right??
...well, as many of you probably know, even just ONE child takes a lot of time and patience to raise 5 days/50 hours a week. On top of that, I was running my own online business, which takes a great a deal of time, too. Needless to say, my free time was very limited. I was lucky to get over 4 hours of sleep on weeknights. On a typical weekday, I would watch my son from 8am to 6pm . . . during that time, I would sneak in some small windows of time for my business. Then, later on, after my wife got home and eating dinner and putting our son to bed, I would resume work at around 9pm, and stay up til 3am to get my work done for the day. As for my wife, she works a 9-5 job, Monday through Friday.
Even for a "normal" stay-at-home parent, keeping up with cleaning, dishes, and cooking can be tough . . so imagine how tough it is with a home business that takes over 40 hours! I basically left all cooking duties to my wife as well as sweeping and mopping. I took on dishes and trash and lawn maintenance. Fair deal, I thought, but there were many a days when the wife would come home and be upset about not having dinner made for her. She seemed to act as if life was not fair to her . . the fact that she worked 8 hours, then came home to immediately make dinner and bathe our son was totally unfair -- yes, that is not an easy schedule, but neither is mine!! I feel like the major problem is that not many people (INCLUDING MY WIFE) can relate to what it's like to do what I do. Seriously, how many people do you know that work from home (FULL-TIME) as well as watch their kids over 50 hours a week? Most working parents that I know of are all using daycares or family members to watch their kids during the weekdays.
My wife is also occasionally upset if she comes home to a house that is not 100% clean and tidy . . . but get this . . when the weekend comes (the time that SHE takes over on days), I wake up and always walk to the kitchen, where I see pots and pans covering the entire kitchen floor. My son is playing away while my wife is cooking breakfast. She preaches what she does not practice.
My wife even tried writing me a "To Do List" every morning. Ha! The list usually included cleaning, cooking, and baby care activities that I needed no guidance on. I ignored the list and eventually told her I was going to write HER a list. The next morning, she woke up to a list that said "Stop Writing Lists"
She has come to resent my job, as it prevents me from being the fully available companion that she wants. I tried my best -- I even would go to bed with her and wait for her to fall asleep before I went to work for the evening . . . but that was not good enough. She says it is important to her that we "fall asleep together"
She respects me fully as a father to our child, but as far as our marriage goes, I feel like it is gradually going the wrong direction. A new job may cure that issue of resentment, but I truly love what I do, and we both agreed that we wanted to have a set up where at least one of us could raise our son for the first couple years of his life instead of having a daycare worker do so. My son is now over 2 years old and much more independent, and about to go to daycare for socialization and educational purposes . . .. but that will not give me much more free time . . because we just had baby #2 a couple months ago. And this daycare for my 2yr old is not even full-time -- it is only 3 days a week. She is totally resenting my job -- it has been over 2 years since she asked me anything about my business. Not even a simple "how is business going, honey?" NOTHING
...I feel like the poop is going to hit the fan if she throws a fit about me not cooking dinner enough or any other minute household chore. Raising two kids full time while running an online business takes a lot of patience -- and I feel like I have no patience leftover for her Impatience.
Right now, I deal with her impatience and nagging by ignoring her requests or telling her I will do something "if I finish my work in time" . . . or I say "it will have to wait for now, I have other things I have to take care of right now"
All of my responses are very peaceful, but I feel like to get the full attention and respect and understanding from her, that I need to be LOUD and Aggressive. That is not my style, and I truly believe that will only make things worse. She has been with other guys that were LOUD and had no luck at all with them. I need to even her out, but at this point, I don't know if I can anymore. I feel like a ticking time bomb. I think she is ticking bomb, too.
When we first met, I allowed her to take control of everything and went along with everything. For the past couple of years, I have put my foot down and simply declined her quest for control. She is a "Control Freak Wannabe" and it bugs the crap out of her that she no longer gets her way. I think it even bugs her more that her family and friends are now realizing it . . I always say that the one thing a controlling person hates more than losing control, is having others know about it!
Any advice? I don't want that bombs to go off.