I'm 30 and have been separated from my husband for nearly 11 months. We have known each other since I was 18, started dating shortly afterward, and have been married for over 6 years (including this separation period). I asked for the separation, but suddenly as we come to the one-year mark I find myself wondering if I should try to reconcile.
I have always made all of the decisions in our relationship. It seems like he just wants to go along with decisions that other people make so he can say later, if things go wrong, "it's not my fault." He never proposed. One day, after a huge fight with my mother, I said "We should get married next year." He said "ok, sure," and so we did. I planned every detail of our very small elopement ceremony. He went along with it. I chose and purchased my ring. Before that, we had had huge fights and had broken up and gotten back together several times. I grew up in a family that constantly moved to new places (dad's job) and was always fighting and yelling and tense. I thought marriage was the mature thing to do and a surefire way to have the stability I craved in life. We had huge fights soon after we married and discussed annulment--he had been hiding money issues from me, as well as the fact he was being sued by a former landlord. I figured I was being childish and kept going. We had a lot of good times on a friend level--a lot of mutual interests, similar sense of humor and taste in movies, books, etc. He job-hopped constantly and never earned much more than minimum wage, despite his Bachelor's degree. I began grad school a few months after we got married, and the money problems got worse and worse. He was content to have me take out more than I should have in private student loans to temporarily ease the burden, which put a huge amount of stress on me. We ended up leaving the US to teach English abroad for the better part of a year to make more money (all my idea; I even completed and submitted his application and visa paperwork). I came back first and lived alone for 4 months and felt truly happy on my own. At that time I started thinking about separating.
But then I got very, very sick with a chronic illness called POTS. I managed to finish my Master's while fainting and being constantly exhausted and nauseous. After that, it was so much work to even get out of bed for about 3-4 months. I couldn't do anything. He was very kind to me during this time and supported me emotionally, even though he would often blame me if I felt worse one day (when it was not my fault but just the course of the illness). I gradually started getting a bit better and found two part-time jobs online. Even doing that, I was making about as much as he was, which I think we both resented. He began ignoring me more and more, and at one time refused to talk to me or acknowledge me for over a week, even if we were in the same room together. He never wanted to go out and do anything, preferring instead to sit on the couch playing computer games with the TV on in the background for hours on end. I tried to talk to him, but he always clammed up and refused to talk. If we did talk, he always had to be right and was the authority on every subject, even my illness. This was very hurtful. But more hurtful was his ignoring me.
At the beginning of 2014, after months of being ignored and pretending to be happy in front of our friends, I had a brief emotional affair with someone online. I took that as a sign I needed to leave. I finally asked for a separation when I was sure I could do it on my own financially. He got scary and cried and yelled and threw a tantrum like a child instead of discussing it. He has always had a bad temper and slams things and punches books and stomps his feet. This lasted for a few hours. Then he quietly moved out without trying to discuss anything.
He didn't talk to me for a long time. Gradually we were on friendlier terms, but I've always had to be the one to reach out. He has never, not once, said he wants to reconcile. He has never tried to discuss our problems, something I've been aching for him to do for years. He has never tried to fight for our marriage, even when I worked so hard to try to make things work before. During our separation, he bought me a beautiful necklace for my birthday and took me to a nice restaurant. This was after years of ruining my birthday by ignoring it or choosing instead to play video games with his friends rather than do something for me. (For perspective, that same year I bought him a kayak and we spent the day on the river after I took him to a ice brunch. Birthdays are important to me and always have been.) But then he didn't speak to me for weeks.
I recently started a long-distance relationship with someone else, and it's getting serious. After he visited me for four days, I suddenly felt incredibly lonely and depressed. So last weekend I spent both days with my estranged husband--of course I invited him, not the other way around. We went for a hike on Saturday, and then on Sunday we went kayaking and made dinner at his place. He finally, finally said he missed me. But that was the end of it. Nothing else.
We haven't had physical contact, not even holding hands, in a year and a half.
I really hate being in this limbo and I really like the new guy I'm seeing. By the way, I would have divorced sooner, but in my state there is a one-year waiting period (!!) so I've been stuck. I even tried to get legal residence in my parents' state so I could end the marriage sooner, but there were too many issues with paperwork and I couldn't do it.
I know I have to be the one to make a decision one way or the other, because he is never going to decide anything. I haven't wavered this whole time until now, and it's agonizing. I don't want to continue to be ignored and have money problems and fights and always be "wrong" in fights/discussions. I haven't seen anything in him that has changed. He is more polite to me now, that's all. But we also aren't together all the time. I try to think about whether I will be satisfied in one year, in five years, if we were to reconcile now. I have a sneaking suspicion I will be looking for a way out sometime later, even if we get back together now.
I am so sick of moving and having constant change in my life, because it's been that way since I was a kid. This is one of the biggest reasons I stayed with him before we got married. I just wanted something permanent. I just don't know if the good things outweigh the bad things. I'm agonizing over this now, partially because he said he missed me and it's such a huge change from his ignoring me all this time, and partially (I think) because I am coming up on the one-year mark and will be able to make the big decision soon. I really, really like the guy I am now dating and we have a wonderful time together. I'm not about to get remarried immediately, though--so that is not a reason here.
Please, I would appreciate any input on this. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
I have always made all of the decisions in our relationship. It seems like he just wants to go along with decisions that other people make so he can say later, if things go wrong, "it's not my fault." He never proposed. One day, after a huge fight with my mother, I said "We should get married next year." He said "ok, sure," and so we did. I planned every detail of our very small elopement ceremony. He went along with it. I chose and purchased my ring. Before that, we had had huge fights and had broken up and gotten back together several times. I grew up in a family that constantly moved to new places (dad's job) and was always fighting and yelling and tense. I thought marriage was the mature thing to do and a surefire way to have the stability I craved in life. We had huge fights soon after we married and discussed annulment--he had been hiding money issues from me, as well as the fact he was being sued by a former landlord. I figured I was being childish and kept going. We had a lot of good times on a friend level--a lot of mutual interests, similar sense of humor and taste in movies, books, etc. He job-hopped constantly and never earned much more than minimum wage, despite his Bachelor's degree. I began grad school a few months after we got married, and the money problems got worse and worse. He was content to have me take out more than I should have in private student loans to temporarily ease the burden, which put a huge amount of stress on me. We ended up leaving the US to teach English abroad for the better part of a year to make more money (all my idea; I even completed and submitted his application and visa paperwork). I came back first and lived alone for 4 months and felt truly happy on my own. At that time I started thinking about separating.
But then I got very, very sick with a chronic illness called POTS. I managed to finish my Master's while fainting and being constantly exhausted and nauseous. After that, it was so much work to even get out of bed for about 3-4 months. I couldn't do anything. He was very kind to me during this time and supported me emotionally, even though he would often blame me if I felt worse one day (when it was not my fault but just the course of the illness). I gradually started getting a bit better and found two part-time jobs online. Even doing that, I was making about as much as he was, which I think we both resented. He began ignoring me more and more, and at one time refused to talk to me or acknowledge me for over a week, even if we were in the same room together. He never wanted to go out and do anything, preferring instead to sit on the couch playing computer games with the TV on in the background for hours on end. I tried to talk to him, but he always clammed up and refused to talk. If we did talk, he always had to be right and was the authority on every subject, even my illness. This was very hurtful. But more hurtful was his ignoring me.
At the beginning of 2014, after months of being ignored and pretending to be happy in front of our friends, I had a brief emotional affair with someone online. I took that as a sign I needed to leave. I finally asked for a separation when I was sure I could do it on my own financially. He got scary and cried and yelled and threw a tantrum like a child instead of discussing it. He has always had a bad temper and slams things and punches books and stomps his feet. This lasted for a few hours. Then he quietly moved out without trying to discuss anything.
He didn't talk to me for a long time. Gradually we were on friendlier terms, but I've always had to be the one to reach out. He has never, not once, said he wants to reconcile. He has never tried to discuss our problems, something I've been aching for him to do for years. He has never tried to fight for our marriage, even when I worked so hard to try to make things work before. During our separation, he bought me a beautiful necklace for my birthday and took me to a nice restaurant. This was after years of ruining my birthday by ignoring it or choosing instead to play video games with his friends rather than do something for me. (For perspective, that same year I bought him a kayak and we spent the day on the river after I took him to a ice brunch. Birthdays are important to me and always have been.) But then he didn't speak to me for weeks.
I recently started a long-distance relationship with someone else, and it's getting serious. After he visited me for four days, I suddenly felt incredibly lonely and depressed. So last weekend I spent both days with my estranged husband--of course I invited him, not the other way around. We went for a hike on Saturday, and then on Sunday we went kayaking and made dinner at his place. He finally, finally said he missed me. But that was the end of it. Nothing else.
We haven't had physical contact, not even holding hands, in a year and a half.
I really hate being in this limbo and I really like the new guy I'm seeing. By the way, I would have divorced sooner, but in my state there is a one-year waiting period (!!) so I've been stuck. I even tried to get legal residence in my parents' state so I could end the marriage sooner, but there were too many issues with paperwork and I couldn't do it.
I know I have to be the one to make a decision one way or the other, because he is never going to decide anything. I haven't wavered this whole time until now, and it's agonizing. I don't want to continue to be ignored and have money problems and fights and always be "wrong" in fights/discussions. I haven't seen anything in him that has changed. He is more polite to me now, that's all. But we also aren't together all the time. I try to think about whether I will be satisfied in one year, in five years, if we were to reconcile now. I have a sneaking suspicion I will be looking for a way out sometime later, even if we get back together now.
I am so sick of moving and having constant change in my life, because it's been that way since I was a kid. This is one of the biggest reasons I stayed with him before we got married. I just wanted something permanent. I just don't know if the good things outweigh the bad things. I'm agonizing over this now, partially because he said he missed me and it's such a huge change from his ignoring me all this time, and partially (I think) because I am coming up on the one-year mark and will be able to make the big decision soon. I really, really like the guy I am now dating and we have a wonderful time together. I'm not about to get remarried immediately, though--so that is not a reason here.
Please, I would appreciate any input on this. Thank you for taking the time to read this.