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To Open or Not to Open?

9K views 58 replies 34 participants last post by  Cynthia 
#1 ·
I'd love to hear from anyone who has experience with an open marriage. Situation as follows - solid 15+ year marriage with kids, financially stable, no infidelity or major relationship issues or complaints but her attraction has been steadily fading over the past year. Might just be going through a phase but she's sending me vibes that she's less interested than ever in being intimate or sexual - understandable after long time together and lucky I suppose to have taken this long for this moment to arise.

We still get along well outside the bedroom and have a very good life together. I'm very involved with my kids and don't want to let sex problems break apart a great family dynamic. But at same time I'm still very into her and not wild about the prospects of prolonged downward spiral in the sex & intimacy department. I worry that our connection will eventually deteriorate to nothing more than good friends living under the same roof raising kids together which is not at all what fuels me.

Much to my surprise she has recently suggested the possibility of opening things up to take some of the pressure off if one of us felt the need. We're pretty progressive but I never imagined she was thinking about something like this for us. My antenna is up - for years she would have cut my balls off at the hint of me having an affair and now she's giving me a pass to go roam. I know many guys who would kill for this freedom and maybe someday I'll get there but right now my first choice would be to do the work to get the love and passion flowing again. Am I crazy to think this way? I'm also not naive and recognize that she wouldn't be suggesting this just to get me off her back - as good a woman as she is there's gotta be something in it for her too ...
 
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#2 ·
The "something in it for her too", could be that she already has a specific guy in mind . . .perhaps?
^ ^ ^
THIS.

No way should you open up your marriage, especially if it's not what you want.

The quickest way to a divorce is to do this.

She has someone else in mind. She is just waiting for permission. A license to cheat.

If she was really interested in spicing up your marriage, she would suggest marriage counseling. Not sleeping with other men.
 
#3 ·
Agreed with the two posters above, first thing I thought of when I read about her suggesting an open marriage was she already had someone lined up. Sounds like she wants to cheat, but be able to do it guilty free while keeping all the other benefits of being married.

I personally would not kill for this freedom, sounds great on paper, doubt it ever ends up well...
 
#4 ·
Also, if you do decide to go down the open route, there are risks involved as well. People have three separate drives when it comes to motivation, romantic love, attachment, and lust. Normally, stellar relationship will invoke all three to a high degree. The risk involved is someone triggering or having the neurons fire those separate drive more than you. That means there is a chance that you could be second or third in your wife's life, and you will need to be strong as an individual if that ever happens.

For instance, someone comes along and fires that lust, and romantic drive more than you do, her brain and which all these drives are connected to the addiction portion of our brains, will motivate her to be more, or more of her brain will activate in positive ways to this person.

I know an older couple in their forties, who had a long time successful open relationship gave me that advice, to be happy as much as possible out side of the relationship, and to have other things that motivate me. I was in a poly relationship as a secondary while in college, and when her other bf got a job outside of the state, she went away with him. Success relies on chances and circumstances outside your control.

I knew of a hot wife who left her husband when she fell in love after sex with someone. It turns out there was an instant attraction, love at first sight, not to mention they had more compatibility together than she did with her husband. Eventually she married the new guy and they are happy still after five years. Her ex was the one who pushed her into the hot wife lifestyle.

So I know some successful ones and not so successful ones. And if she does fall in love, are you willing to share a life with her new partner as well if she decides she wants that person as well?
 
#5 ·
Well, proceed cautiously and with a LOT of discussion about various scenarios, issues, pitfalls, etc. She may have someone in mind for herself, or may just be throwing out the idea as a possible way to spice things up for you both. Time - and discussion - will probably make it clear just what it's about.

We've had an open relationship for the past 15 years - almost from the start of our dating, when we got into a polyamorous situation that lasted quite a while and worked out very well for all four of us.

Ever since then, we've had a cautiously open relationship, meaning we discuss any possible new partners and are careful to be sure we keep each other as the priority no matter what. Our relationship is extremely solid and stable too, and we've never lost the spark between us even after all this time.

Consider discussing veto power, and what would it take to end the open arrangement if one of you decides that's what they want. Agree to check in frequently and discuss any issues. Consider too, that this may NOT be the right thing for YOUR relationship. Things can go very well, of course - but they can also go badly. There are risks, but many can be mitigated with careful planning.
 
#7 ·
Also, how would you feel if let's say your wife is having sex and you are striking out, so you are in no better position? Are you fine lying down next to your wife in bed knowing that possibly right before some guy had his way with her? How about the idea that there is now an increased odd of an STD coming into your house?
 
#8 · (Edited)
I

Much to my surprise she has recently suggested the possibility of opening things up to take some of the pressure off if one of us felt the need. ... now she's giving me a pass to go roam.
Nice little bit of legerdemain there, she has you focusing on whats in it for you, because she "knows" you might "feel the need".

Ha ha ha "If ONE of us felt the need".

She has lost interest in/attraction for you, and it will likely never be back.

There are some here who do this even one posting on your thread now I believe.

I would like to ask, is this a cure for a couple whose sex life is weak or in a downward spiral? Are the people who are successful here those who have a strong sex life but desire variety, but have communication, honesty, strong connection, or fading, disinterested, and in decline, I wounder?
 
#10 ·
I'd love to hear from anyone who has experience with an open marriage. Situation as follows - solid 15+ year marriage with kids, financially stable, no infidelity or major relationship issues or complaints but her attraction has been steadily fading over the past year. Might just be going through a phase but she's sending me vibes that she's less interested than ever in being intimate or sexual - understandable after long time together and lucky I suppose to have taken this long for this moment to arise.

We still get along well outside the bedroom and have a very good life together. I'm very involved with my kids and don't want to let sex problems break apart a great family dynamic. But at same time I'm still very into her and not wild about the prospects of prolonged downward spiral in the sex & intimacy department. I worry that our connection will eventually deteriorate to nothing more than good friends living under the same roof raising kids together which is not at all what fuels me.

Much to my surprise she has recently suggested the possibility of opening things up to take some of the pressure off if one of us felt the need. We're pretty progressive but I never imagined she was thinking about something like this for us. My antenna is up - for years she would have cut my balls off at the hint of me having an affair and now she's giving me a pass to go roam. I know many guys who would kill for this freedom and maybe someday I'll get there but right now my first choice would be to do the work to get the love and passion flowing again. Am I crazy to think this way? I'm also not naive and recognize that she wouldn't be suggesting this just to get me off her back - as good a woman as she is there's gotta be something in it for her too ...
I have know a few. They all regretted the decision, as it ended their marriages.

You need to up your game...big time.

Open Marriage =Worst Idea Ever
 
#13 ·
Much to my surprise she has recently suggested the possibility of opening things up to take some of the pressure off if one of us felt the need.
Your wife suggesting "opening things up to take some of the pressure off if one of us felt the need", is her giving herself a pass for having sex with someone else, because in cheater speak you thinking it over and not slamming the door on the idea in no uncertain words, will be falsely viewed by her as you approving it. She knows that you did not approve of the idea, but she can now claim that she misunderstood and thought that you did. You need to email her right now and tell her very clearly that you do not now and never will approve of an open marriage and that if she wishes to have sex outside of the marriage, she needs to be ready to discuss divorce with you first.

Immediately after sending her the email, print it out and discuss it with her face to face. Ask her who she had in mind when she suggested the open marriage, and then ask her to explain the state of their current relationship.
 
#14 ·
I would strongly advocate for pursuing monogamous solutions. Try reading "What Women Want" by Daniel Bergner. It could give you insight and possibly help to improve your situation. There is an example of a marriage that was similar to yours and they decided to "open" it up. The man was pathetic.

Your situation is reversible and doesn't have to be considered normal.

Over 23 years here and my wife is demanding sex tonight because I have been sick for a week. She actively tries to seduce me about six out of seven days. I am still very attracted to her as well.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#17 ·
P.S. The red flag of infidelity might have just been waived in your face.
Yup. Time to start snooping. VARs in all the usual spots, keyloggers, forward all her iMessage texts to your iCloud account, GPS tracker on her car, etc.

Also, time to start funneling funds to an offshore account and quietly divest yourself of marital assets into cash which you can stash in a secret spot only you have access to and know about, and is legally untraceable. You may want to develop a "gambling addiction" which requires you to take large sums of cash with you to the casino every week. You can never have too much ready cash on hand, just ask ****** Bulger.

A decline sex interest from one partner, in absence of a medical reason, means she's emotionally detaching (since sex=emotional bonding) from you and attaching to another man.
 
#16 ·
So consensus seems to be that open marriage is highly complex, more often than not a bad idea, that she is most likely trying to use this idea as a wedge to cheat (if she hasn't already started) and maybe on the brighter side she is just testing my loyalty. All of these are consistent with whati've been thinking which is very helpful - thank you. My sense is that she hasn't started anything yet but is looking for an escape valve and this is a low guilt way of creating one. Hope I'm wrong bc despite all these negative thoughts I still want this to work out. And yes I am firmly on the record letting her know I'm not interested in her elegant alternative.
 
#21 ·
I am firmly on the record letting her know I'm not interested in her elegant alternative.
You only think that you made it clear to her, but if she wants to cheat, she will reinvent history as to what you said such that it will be spun that it was not clear. Countless times we have seen similar things like this on this site where this has happened. That is why you must sent a clear and firm email to her confirming your past conversation that you did not then and never will agree to an open marriage, and that if she is interested in having sex with anyone else she needs to tell you so that you can file for divorce. You need to be that clear and it needs to be in writing.
 
#18 ·
OP, it comes down to your attitude about this and how much you trust each other. Obviously, this is not a path that works for many, but it can and does work - for some. Personally, we don't place a high value on monogamy or marriage, but for those who do, we support their view - for them. Monogamy doesn't have a great track record either, as can easily be seen by the number of divorces, cheaters, and unhappy marriages. You and your partner make the kind of relationship you want - or not.

IF she is already cheating, that should be a deal breaker. It would be for us as well, despite our views on marriage and monogamy. Integrity and honesty are far more important, as without those, you have nothing and marriage would be a farce.
 
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#22 · (Edited)
OP I think by your posts you know the score here. Open marriages only work when the marriage is very healthy to start. Both people are exactly on the same page and they both want it. Which is clearly not your situation.

Most advice on this subject is that it will eventually end the marriage. The worst time to try it is when there are issues in the marriage. Your marriage obviously has issues that are ripe for divorce and unhappiness.

I heard this once, "Have an affair to spice up the marriage! Have an affair with you spouse".

Put the time and energy into rediscovering each other. Put the kids second to the marriage. Sneak away for the weekend or a crazy night out. Go skinny dipping. Send sexy notes to each other. Go to MC or a sex therapist. The best gift you can give your kids is a happy, healthy marriage as an example to emulate.

If the marriage is not salvageable then end it now before all the really ugly pain starts. Personally... I have been married for nearly 30 years and love my wife dearly. But if she wanted to be with another man or woman I would suck it up and give her the freedom to do so...after the divorce. Because I deserve the best not leftovers.

Good Luck
 
#24 · (Edited)
I am concerned that this is far more serious than you think. A spouse telling you that it is OK with them if you have sex with someone else, is a spouse telling you that they are already having or are are looking to have sex with someone else, but do not want to feel guilty about it. It is also a clear statement that they no longer respect the marital vows that they made to you concerning fidelity. At this point, even if you did not agree to have an open marriage, if you do end up catching her cheating, she will be able to look you in the eye and tell you that she has already made it clear to you that she does not consider having sex with others to be a bad thing, and that you are making too big a deal out of it since it was just her taking "some of the pressure off" because she "felt the need". She will even justify lying to you about it by saying that she does not agree with your close minded values on this, and that she was forced to lie to you about this because you were trying to control her by forcing your values on her. I am not saying that I know for sure that this is happening or will happen, but I am saying that this is how she has positioned things, and is how this all too often plays out.
 
#27 ·
Simply say "no" and you are not interested. You are more interested why she would make a suggestion like this. For me, the concern is what is driving her to this. In short, a remedy for a situation that apparently only your W understands.
 
#29 ·
I'm with Conan on this one. If you want monogamy, try all the monogamous solutions first. My first thought: get in shape if you aren't already. Maybe introduce some porn with hot guys. Women are more visual than folks seem to think.
 
#30 ·
My antenna is up - for years she would have cut my balls off at the hint of me having an affair and now she's giving me a pass to go roam
The same thing ocurred with my XWW. She was a very jealous woman. I couldn't have a non-sexual, work oriented conversation with another woman without later getting accused of me wanting to have sex with. Her insecurity should have been seen by me as a huge red flag. Such a person is more than likely to seek emotional and/or sexual validation through a third party.

I also noticed that for a very vanilla sex woman, her sexual predilections started to change significantly, as well as her sexual drive increased greatly. At first I wa in Heaven but my gut instinct started to scream at me that something was wrong. Sure enough, one day she accidentally sent me a strange text stating "It was fun, I couldn't stop shaking, when can we do it again?" which led me to some snooping which eventually yielded a wealth of information on her extra-marital sexual activities.

I truly hope that your situation is not a repeat of mine, but you'd be foolish not to start investigating her to find if there is something more than a strange conversation with you.
 
#31 ·
Just my opinion.

were not in kanas any more and there's no rainbows and unicorns at the end of this .

she's cheating already!

If your not into an open marriage then start voicing your opinion and start snooping . but be careful and prepared for what you might find.

start protecting your assets.
 
#33 ·
Thanks again to all who have posted - I appreciate your constructive feedback. Yes I am very curious to know why she suggested the possibility of open marriage and where her head really is on the topic - I am taking a measured approach, trying not to overreact but at some point sooner than later I will get to the bottom of it. In the meantime, it's all idle speculation as to whether she really is up to something and trying to do it in as low guilt a way as possible or if she's just in a funk, not really into sex and intimacy at the moment and testing me on whether I'm truly committed or just interested in more sex regardless of whether it's with her or someone else.
 
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