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Back Again

2K views 15 replies 8 participants last post by  arbitrator 
#1 ·
Hi everybody. Not sure if you anyone remembers my posts from a while back. I was in a marriage where I just fell out of love with my wife. We have been married for 14 years. Things were very good until we lost our 7 year old son in a terrible accident just less than five years ago. I know I am unhappy in my relationship. I finally got the courage to move out and try to move forward. The guilt I have is killing me inside. Not because I miss her, but because I broke my vows to her. I promised through better or worse and I am breaking that promise. I am not sure I can live with that feeling. What is worse? Breaking my vows or going through the rest of my life married to a person I am not in love with? My emotions are on a roller coaster ride right now.
 
#2 ·
I do remember you & your first post. Have you sought out individual counseling for yourself? I think that may help you sort out your feelings & guilt. I think it is natural to feel guilty for breaking the vows you took, but at the same time you have to view yours & your wife's quality of life too. Be kind to yourself right now, you are going through major changes & it is natural to feel all over the place. (((hugs)))
 
#3 ·
I do go to individual counseling one time per week and that does help. Guilt has consumed my life since my son passed. I wasn't home when he died, but the guilt for being gone and not protecting him consumes me. Now the guilt of breaking my vows and not taking care of his mother is taking over. Somebody sent me a text yesterday that said my son would not be proud of me right now. It crushed me for someone to say that to me. It is almost like people want me to stay in a marriage and remain unhappy just because I feel guilty. My emotions right now are so up and down. Just can't live like this.
 
#4 ·
Did your wife the divorce too or did you just leave her? I have a feeling she didn't. If not then you did break your vows. She lost her son and her husband. The divorce rate is higher for marriages with a child who has passed. Men and women tend to grieve differently. It should bring you two together. Did you go to counseling and try everything to save your marriage or did you just bail?

As far as that text you got, I imagine my husband would get the same text if he left me like you left your wife. You have to decide to live with your guilt or try again to make your marriage work.
 
#5 ·
You are right she does not want the marriage to end. You are also right that the loss of a child "Should" bring us closer together. Unfortunately it did the opposite. We shut each other out and grieved differently. Rather than her loving me she spend the next four years resenting me. Resenting each other I guess. Guilt is what it is and I will have to learn to deal with it.
 
#6 ·
She may not have intended to hurt you, but she did. Whatever the circumstances of the situation, she was not right to let her resentments come out in a dysfunctional hurtful way. I don't see your situation as one sided where you are bailing out for no good reason, leaving an unsuspecting and fabulous partner in the dust. Unfortunately, marriage failure seems to be a common and sad part of losing a child.

Whoever sent you that text about your son not being proud of you is not your friend. I would cut them out of my life if I were you. That is the height of emotional abuse imo to recall your son that way to try to manipulate you into feeling guilty.

I'm sorry for the loss of your son. As a parent I cannot imagine how one even begins to deal with it.
 
#7 ·
Thank you Thor. I am feeling the same way about cutting that person out of my life. I have lived with guilt for a long time and I understand people being unhappy with me regarding this decision. However, to use my son and say something like that is just plain evil in my opinion. My son was my world and losing him completely destroyed. I am not the same man I was 4.5 years ago.

Our marriage has been broken for a long time. No sex, no support and a ton of resentment. she has admitted to treating me terrible for the past three years. Now she wants to change, but I have seen a side of her that I did not know existed. I do still care for her and want what is best for her, but I am not in love with her any longer.
 
#11 ·
That last sentence says it all. You no longer love her. She probably wants to change now because you are divorcing her. Even if she changes, if you don't love her and are still hurt about the past, I don't see how a relationship could work again. I suggest moving on. Don't feel guilty it sounds like it's mostly her fault for the end of your marriage.
 
#9 ·
The reason to "divorce" is so that you can move on and be available for a relationship with someone new. The reason for "separation" is to get out of a toxic environment where you and your spouse are preventing each other from having your needs met. I think it's important to not worry yourself about the guilt of moving out... It doesn't sound like you are in a healthy place to be starting any new relationships anyway, I think you should use the time away which you've already taken to get a grasp on what your actual needs are, become familiar with them to the point you have confidence in whichever decisions you must make. There is no shame in going back to your marriage if that's what you both want, but it only takes one to end a marriage, and so there is no shame in freeing your W from the burden of attachment to a partner who will never be vested. But you need to come to this decision as a priority because while you stew on it everyone is in agony here.
 
#12 ·
I appreciate the feedback and support from all of you. We have done the separation thing. We have tried dating again. Nothing seems to get back those feelings I should have as a husband. She is absolutely beautiful physically, but emotionally I am so disconnected. She is very sad, but handling it ok. We never fight and rarely ever did. We both only want what is best for our two little boys. I do not place blame on her. Losing a child does things to you that I cannot even explain. Yes she resented me and pushed me away, but I was no saint either. I didn't try hard enough to be there for her and didn't act the way husband should. I was too busy trying to get through a day when all I really wanted to do was be with my son. I will do whatever I can to make this process easier on her. Even if that means making my life more difficult. I did not do my job the past 4.5 years as her husband so the least I can do is make sure she is taken care of now. It all sucks, but I know this is what I need to do in order to maybe just maybe find some joy in life again.
 
#14 ·
Yes I have two boys still alive. Ages 9 and 3. Our 9 year old has some special needs and he has struggled with the loss of his older brother. My youngest is three and he never had the chance to meet his older brother. My boys ARE NOT losing their father. They never will. I am a good dad and I will be there for them and in their lives no matter what. I have been a better father since our separation than I ever was before. My two boys will always be my focus.
 
#15 ·
It is hard to be in a marriage where there is resentment and pure unhappiness. I am in the same situation, but my resentment is for different reasons. Divorce is hard on children, but living in an emotionally unstable home is also hard. I don't know any child that wants their parents to be unhappy.

I don't think either of you are to blame. Life changes people, and you have both endured a loss that I can only fathom.

Don't let anyone guilt you into staying in an unhappy relationship. Whether it be your spouse, a family member, or a friend.
 
#16 ·
A loving marriage is certainly no place for resentment to ever come to dwell!

Seek out IC first, then formulate your exit strategy and divorce plans prior to seeking out competent legal counsel to start and help finish that process for you, helping you get what it is that is in your and your kids best interests!

It sounds as perhaps each of you need a fresh start in life. I wish you well!
 
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