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Old 06-03-2011, 12:07 AM   #1 (permalink)
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My wife and I married quickly and our first child was conceived only 2 months into our marriage. She was a smoker and stopped during the pregnancy but has recently started smoking more - not around our son mind you, and she generally has 1 to 1.5 cigarettes per day. I do not want her to smoke, she however got very upset with me because I don't understand her plight.

She is 21 and I am 26 and she said tonight I didn't understand her and don't understand what it's like to be 21 and never had a mixed drink (which isn't true... she's had an irish car bomb and 2 margaritas) and she can't have more than one beer a night because she is breastfeeding the boy. My immediate response in my head is "you need to choose to either be a 21 year old or a mom... pick one." end result is a huge fight and me sleeping on the couch. I dont know how to approach this at all... help please?
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Old 06-03-2011, 12:54 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm with you. If experiencing a mixed drink was so important to her she should have stayed single and done more partying first.
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Old 06-03-2011, 01:55 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Sometimes a new mother will go through Postpartum Depression. It is very common, especially after the first child. Just Google 'Postpartum Depression' and you will find a lot of information about it.

Wish you the best.
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Old 06-03-2011, 08:48 AM   #4 (permalink)
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I've seen this in threads before, where basically the 21 YO thinks at this point in her life that she should be partying and doing things most 21 YO's do, but instead she is at home with leaking breasts.

I like your stance, she can't have her cake and eat it to. She choose to be a wife, and having kids is part of the deal.
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Old 06-03-2011, 08:55 AM   #5 (permalink)
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. She choose to be a wife, and having kids is part of the deal.
Eh. Not all wives have kids. However, in this case she did and I understand OP's concern re: breastfeeding & her smoking/drinking. That is very unhealthy. Tell her she should not breastfeed if she's going to be doing that. Stick to formula.

At 21...yep, she is at party age peak central.
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Old 06-03-2011, 09:46 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I'd suggest this is the tip of the iceberg -- there is a lot more underneath what is visible here, and I'd be doing everything in my power ot get underneath and see what's hidden, expose it and start dealing with it.

No she can't have her cake and eat it too, but the reality is you need to do some work together to address her blatant need to get in on some of what she is missing out on as a 21 y.o. wife and mother who resents her husband because he isn't also 21.... She can't and won't ignore her feelings here, and only unpleasant things will come about from this. Her suppressing it because 'she's your wife and a mother now' will only lead to bigger resentment and larger problems down the road. Perhaps there are much smaller compromises you can make now, together, to prevent way more painful issues down the road?

Get yourselves to dealing with this, head-on. I'd strongly urge MC.

Obviously health of the baby must come first, and if she can't do that on her own while breastfeeding, you have every right to insist and control it. Beyond that, you might find ways to give her a little more as she struggles through a tough time that yoyu both bought into when you got married and had a baby.
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Old 06-03-2011, 05:39 PM   #7 (permalink)
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My Grandfather brain washed me into waiting until I was 30 to get married and this is exactly the reason why. The girl is immature and would like to party some. It's either a phase she needs to complete or this is who she is. The more you attempt to control her actions the more she will resent you for it. I would get that baby on formula ASAP and try not to push her too hard. I think she's going to rebel against you if you act like her father. Chill out and let her have a couple of mixed drinks when it's safe. Sounds like she thinks your a bit square.
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Old 06-03-2011, 07:36 PM   #8 (permalink)
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She's 21 for cripes sake. What did you think was going to happen? Of course she wants to drink (and smoke). She's legal and it's kind of a rite of passage for many people. This is the woman you married and any attempts to get her to change will be met with resentment. So I agree with chill out and try not to be so uptight.

BTW why can't she be a 21 year old AND a mom? My sister did that and she's now 40 and doesn't drink or smoke at all anymore. Quit years ago.
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Old 06-03-2011, 08:05 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Your wife was a married mother, before she had a chance to live life independently. Now she is paying for her choice.

Too bad! Drinking and smoking is not good for a nursing mom.
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Old 06-05-2011, 08:42 AM   #10 (permalink)
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She's 21 for cripes sake. What did you think was going to happen? Of course she wants to drink (and smoke). She's legal and it's kind of a rite of passage for many people. This is the woman you married and any attempts to get her to change will be met with resentment. So I agree with chill out and try not to be so uptight.

BTW why can't she be a 21 year old AND a mom? My sister did that and she's now 40 and doesn't drink or smoke at all anymore. Quit years ago.
I mostly agree with magnoliagal. Where as most peeps tell you she has to suck it up, I will say the same to you. This doesnt seem so much an issue of her wanting to be a partyer or a mother or what have you. The three of you are a unit now and YOU have to keep things as smooth as possible. She wants a drink and a smoke. Tell her when she stops breastfeeding and you have some money saved up your taking her to mexico where she can have all the.... mixed drinks she wants.

Dont be blunt with her, and dont talk at her. Talk to her and help her out. She will quit smoking when she is ready.
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