jgumera007

Hello Everyone,

I am new to the forum, and had a problem I wanted to pose to you all. It is a bit of a long story, but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I have been married for four years to my best friend, and we have known each other for ten years, ever since junior year of high school. We did not start dating until the middle of college, and while I had prior relationships, I was his first and only real girlfriend. As long as I have known him, he has always had more female friends than guy friends. He also comes from a family dominated by women, with two sisters and an affectionate mother who would always praise her son. All throughout his pursuits in academia from undergraduate to graduate and now doctoral, his colleagues are mainly single females.

In the exact opposite way, I have always been more of a tom-boy who loves racing cars, motorcycles, playing sports, videogames, action movies, etc., and my friends have been mostly guys. My field of occupation is populated mostly by men, with myself being the only female in my field office. While we both have colleagues and friends of the opposite sex, I feel that we interact differently with them. Since my work environment demands professionalism, my colleagues are only that. Any call, text, or e-mail is always pertaining to work. If ever we socialize outside of the office, the reason is for one of three R's: either due to someone being Relocated, Retirement, or RIP. With my guy friends, we may catch up maybe once or twice a month. Some people may find the lack of social activity surprising, but at the end of the day, I really only want to spend time with my husband rather than hang out with my single guy friends. For me, he is the most important person in my life, and I always think how anything I do or say may affect him. For him, though, his priorities now appear different.

To clarify, I have never been the jealous type. I have always been okay with the many calls, texts, Facebook messages, etc. from girls. I never minded him having dinner alone with a girl friend because I trust him. His field of study is based around exercise, so I understand that he spends a lot of his time with female colleagues, measuring skin folds, body fat, doing EKG's, etc. in only shorts and sports bras. It wasn't until a recent business trip that I became aware that maybe my "understanding" attitude has been overlooking inappropriate behavior that has been allowed to continue for too long.

There have been things that I now realize may have required a more serious discussion than being swept under the rug. Aside from his playful flirting, the most glaring event was during graduate school when he had called me by one of his lab partner's names while we were in bed. Admittedly, this was more of a middle of the night romp where he was half awake; nevertheless, the mistake was still a shock. When I told him what he said, he apologized, but never really comprehended the injury that was caused. I had tried again to bring it up the next day, but my husband has never been one to take criticism well. Rather than cause friction, I dropped the matter.

This week, my husband had traveled out of state to a conference with one of his female colleagues. He has known her since graduate school, but she is not the aforementioned lab partner. We had moved a year ago so that he could continue with his PhD, but as fate would have it, she ended up transferring out here as well six months later. When she first moved here, my husband was concerned that she was lonely since she had no other friends or family here. Because I knew it was important to him, I went out of my way to befriend her, inviting her out with us, or over for dinners as often as possible.

The two spend a large amount of time together at school, and everyone admits that they have a unique friendship. Easily half of the things they do that I go along with, the ordinary woman, let alone wife, would not abide by. She calls herself his "work wife," and they joke that they have pretty much seen each other naked after all of the lab tests they've performed on each other. Since their studies do consume much of their life with no break, they had come up with a game where they would take pictures of the pair of them out at lunch/dinner, and then post it on their Facebook page saying ___ and ____'s trip to Italy (country based upon the cuisine they had). It had gotten to the point where the girl's own parents were telling her to tone it down because relatives were getting the impression she was messing around with a married man. In a rather immature manner, she insisted on continuing the "game" more vigorously just to get a reaction out of said relations.

Although I tend to go along with the jokes, I feel that a line has now been crossed. While I do not have a Facebook page myself, mutual friends have contacted me, asking why this girl is spending so much time with my husband. The breaking point was during this business trip, she added several pictures that were brought to my attention. In one, my husband is carrying her in his arms while she has hers wrapped around his neck. In the other, the two are in front of a statue, with her sitting in his lap, her legs on either side of his while she is in a dress no less, and his arms wrapped around her waist very intimately. While I do trust him in that nothing more physical has happened, it still was extremely hurtful to have been shown these photographs. It was also disconcerting to me because it was being plastered online, where his two younger sisters and other family members will see. I was angered that not only did they take the pictures, but they saw nothing wrong with them. Now I feel like it is a slap in my face, and that my understanding attitude towards their relationship has been taken advantage of.

When he called me from the conference, I told him that the pictures had made me upset, fighting back tears during the whole conversation. As I am in no way a crier, having done so only twice at funerals, he knew that this was serious. He did apologize, saying that he was caught up in the "game" of taking pictures together, and did not think how it might make me feel. In all honesty, that revelation may have been the worst part for me; the lack of consideration on his part. While he is my number one priority and I anticipate how my actions my affect him, he neglected to even think of what the repercussions may be, wanting only to do what made him happy.

Well, I have reached the end of my long tirade. My sister feels that I am not being assertive enough, and in wanting to make my husband happy, I allow him to walk over me. She told me that if her husband had done these things, that she would insist upon marriage counseling, and to let it be known that if this behavior continued, that she would be considering divorce. I believe this course of action is a bit extreme, but my question to all of you kind souls who have read this novel is what you would do if you were in my situation. Am I overreacting over a couple of pictures? Do you think that my reasons for concern are insignificant, or might this be a continuing issue that needs to be addressed? Should I accept the apology, and let it become just another thing to be brushed off, or should I try to make him understand that a change needs to be made? I am not asking that they stop being friends, but that they both contemplate how their actions might make me feel beforehand.

Thanks again for reading, and for your help!

Syrum

No you are not overreacting. His relationships are completely inappropriate and I wouldn't be comfortable with my husband having a working (or any) relationship like that.

The fact that she transferred to where you guys live is a huge red flag.

Zaphod

Very few female "friends" are actual real friends to a guy I'm afraid. Not that it doesn't happen of course, but in my experience and having talked to a bazillion guys I think we all came to the conclusion that any female "friends" we had were women we had more than a passing interest in, if you catch my drift. Again, there are exceptions, but most women who think that they are the exception, usually are not, they're just led to believe that they are.

In a case where those kinds of pictures and games and comments were made I'd say that even if *he* wasn't actually interested in her, she's clearly making a play for him. In your situation I'd get that relationship kiboshed immediately, and without mercy or recourse, or it *will* turn into something more. Again, assuming that he is actually innocent in this. I cannot imagine doing all of those things with a cute female "friend" and having it be platonic.

As I said though, there are occasional cases of real male/female friendships. This does not appear to be one of those cases. Put your foot down now, or he will be cheating on you in short order, if he hasn't already.

Just my two cents.

steph78

I think that you should talk to him about how "you" feel about the situation. How the pictures and the nicknames or whatever are making you feel and not what the friends and family think. If you have concerns, then express them. Ask him to not apologize but to be considerate and respectful of your wishes to delete the photos. Since you have "befriended" her then perhaps you should talk to both of them at the same time. Meet up in a mutal place and explain to both of them that you are not make any allegations and you want them to continue to be friends (all of you) and explain how all of this is making you feel, again leave everyone else out of it. Ask the both of them to have consideration for your feelings and respect for your marriage. This away the message is getting across and you don't have to worry about him having to tell his "work wife," that could be difficult for him.

Ahiru

My future husband and I read this thread together, and have just gone through something very similar. He too has a female friend who would post photos of them together on facebook, in poses that were inappropriate and made them look like a couple.

We both agree with Steph78 that it is most important to explain to him how his behavior makes you feel, and not how it makes other people feel. Not that you can't bring that up too, but focus on your feelings, not their feelings. For example, I told my guy that when my mom saw him doing those things with another woman, and she reacted in a negative way, it made ME feel defensive and embarrassed, and indeed created strain in my normally close relationship with my mom, which upset me. Focusing on how his behavior is affecting you will make it easier for him to consider you, because your feelings are the ones he cares about.

I disagree, though, that you should talk to him and this woman at the same time. You should talk to him first, and if you talk to her at all, it should be separately, or even better, with your husband as a united couple. If you come to both of them at the same time, it appears that you are the one asking them a favor, as if they are the couple and you are the outsider. If she does have feelings for him, she will take this as a bad sign for your marriage, and a good sign for her own chances. If you imagine the three of you in a room together discussing this, you don't want them to be the ones sitting on the loveseat together while you sit on the chair across from them to address them. You and your husband want to be the ones sitting on the loveseat together to address her, while she sits on the chair across from you two. See the difference? You are the couple, she is the outsider, and that must always be clear.

Not to mention that she won't care about your boundaries if she has feelings for him. Your husband needs to be the one who enforces boundaries with her, not you. It will carry the most weight if he is the one to talk to her, without you. This implies that the boundaries are serious and his own choice, not something his "insecure wife" has insisted on that they should play along with. If she thinks it's all your idea and he is being unwillingly subjected to a wife's controlling behavior, she will take it as a good sign for her own chances. You and your husband need to be united.

From what you wrote, it seems that this friendship is wildly inappropriate and far beyond reasonable. Regardless of whether or not he has feelings for her, she is showing all signs of feelings for him, which makes this no longer a friendship. He should cut ties with her if he values his marriage.

He doesn't comprehend the injuries he's causing you because you rarely show him your wounds. Sweeping real issues under the rug to avoid confrontation does your marriage no favors. I used to keep things to myself too, because I thought they weren't worth upsetting him over. But then I realized that's not fair, not only to me (because why are his feelings more important than mine?), but to him. If he is doing something that unknowingly upsets me, he wants to know about it, because he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. And he feels terrible if he finds out something had always been upsetting me and he had no idea. He needs to know how you feel. Be tactful, but be honest. He needs to know how you feel in order to learn how to treat you properly. You will both be happier.

Scottt

I agree with the other replies here, and also with your sister. Your husband's behavior is way out of line. It would be bad enough if he was sneaking around and doing this stuff behind your back, but to post photos of it on Facebook is a real insult. And by trying to talk you into thinking it's all OK and just a "game" is downright cruel!

That said, I do think you might have had a hand in letting this situation develop, although it's still the result of your husband's bad choices and not your fault. Toward the beginning of your post, you said you had no trouble with him receiving calls, texts, and Facebook messages from girls (what I think of as e-flirting), or even having dinner alone with a female friend (which sounds to me like him going out on a date). I think it would be normal for this sort of stuff to bother you, and it probably does, even if you feel uncomfortable admitting it. Not caring would be no virtue, and acting like you don't care really sends the wrong message to your husband. It must seem to him like you're really just not that into him, if you're not jealous enough to try to protect you marriage from outsiders, so he may be trying to see how far he has to go to make you notice.

You should be able to get your marriage back on track, though, even if your husband doesn't share your concerns. There's absolutely no reason for him to be traveling to conferences with a female colleague and without you. If something like that comes up again, he should either take you along or just stay home; that should be an absolute. The same goes for dinner dates.

COGypsy

I'd just add my two cents here as well... I'm a woman who's had platonic friendships with guys my whole life. The majority of my friends have been male and when you're truely friends with a guy...you pretty much act like you do with oh say...any other friend.

My guy friends don't carry me around, call me their wife or girlfriend and I don't sit on their laps, any more than I do that with my gal friends. Seriously, about the only way that they generally treat me as particularly female is more manners than anything else--open doors, offer chairs. That's about it. In fact, as we've all gotten older and into more serious and committed relationships, we go out of our way to avoid any misunderstandings at all on that front. Plus, we make an effort to be friends with and/or include each other's spouses (or whatever) in the things we do.

I would say that at best, your husband is insanely immature in his response to the attention he's getting from his friend. At worst, he's probably crushing on someone who clearly has the hots for him. But seriously....they both sound like they're in middle school or something, lol.

However, there's no way that he or she will ever know or change that if you don't say something about it. I'm sure that if you work in a male dominated field, you must be able to express your thoughts and opinions effectively at work. Why would you have any less right to do so at home? You repeatedly say how all you do is think about him, but at the same time, you have to stand up for yourself and command the same respect from him. Hoping for it to come around won't do much.

I think you have to decide exactly what your boundary is with this, communicate it clearly to him and then follow through. If it were me, I'd explain pretty clearly that it's obvious this girl has a crush on him and that he's got to be responsible for making the boundary clear that he can be friendly, but that since he's married....more of his friendship is for you...know what I mean? But that's on him to do. And you to decide what that looks like in a way that's comfortable for you. But draw the line, tell him and then back it up. Just like anyone else you deal with.

Ahiru

Precisely why he can not say or do anything to imply to her that the boundaries are only your idea and he's just playing along. If he talks to this woman, he's gotta use "I think" or "we both think," never just "wife thinks." He might not understand the significance of the distinction, especially if he's kind of a clueless guy; make sure he does before he talks to her. He must solidly stand up for you and his marriage or his words will have the opposite effect of their intention.

BigToe

Your husbands behavior is inappropriate. While you are to be commended for having such trust in your husband, I feel given the level of playfulness he is displaying that you should require him to stop. Having a platonic relationship with a co-worker is one thing, but the photos they are posting go beyond such classification. He is absolutely correct...he did not think about your feelings because he was too caught up in the game. He also will not think of your feelings when the "game" goes beyond silly pictures and petty college shenanigans because he will be too caught up "in the moment".

Neither he nor his friend are concerned about your feelings because they are too caught up in themselves. Your husband is acting like he's still a first year college freshman rather than working on his PHD and needs to grow up. Does he still participate in panty raids or drinking contests with the fraternities?

My feeling is that your husband has taken advantage of your good nature and needs to be reigned in. I'm afraid that if you don't, the temptation of crossing the line into having a sexual encounter with his work wife will not be a huge step to take.

My advice is that you tell him he can have fun with you and WORK with his co-workers, or he can continue his fun with his work-wife without you.

Ahiru

Well said. And then if she continues pressing him with "Why does it matter what other people think?" (because OP has mentioned she's got this mentality and continues her behavior to get a rise out of people), he replies with something like, "It's not about what other people think, I'm disappointed in myself, and I think we should both be holding ourselves to higher standards than this."