General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Today as normal I sent my fiance a text message letting him know that I am safe at school. I know I wouldnt get a message back from him until around 11 when he wakes up. After my Biology 2 class my best friend wanted me to go to the dentist with her because she was scared and her boyfriend couldnt go. I went to be a good friend and she told me that my fiance likes another girl more than he is letting on. I trust my fiance more than anything in the world, but I still wanted to get his side of the story. When I finally got ahold of him around 12 I asked him if the rumor of him liking another girl was true and he got extreamly upset and irrated at me. He already said he doesnt and I went and asked him again. Maybe a wrong move on my part, but did he really have to get so upset with me. He sent me a text an hour ago saying "you dont trust me so how can you love me if you dont trust me" When I told him I do trust him and im sorry if I havent been showing it, he then send " You cant just flip from not trustin me to trustin me like that".
Why is he so mad at me I am trying everything I can to show him or tell him that I do trust him, but its so hard since he wont answer my calls (only called him 2 times) or answer my texts when I told him that I do trust him.
How do I make sure he knows that I do trust him because I am at the point where I would do anything if he would just believe me that I do.
*Could it be a possibility that I hurt him when I asked him that question because I have already asked it before and he is trying to get me to think he doesnt believe that I love him or trust him to hurt me back?*
If my wife kept asking me if I liked someone else it would end up making me irritated. If you call him, leave a message, and let him call you back. It's tough to think that someone trusts you if you call constantly and acuse him of wanting to be with someone else.
I really dont know if he is trustworthy (although i would say he isnt) but the one thing i can tell you is his communication is manipulative.
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Originally Posted by Smile_Jenny
How do I make sure he knows that I do trust him because I am at the point where I would do anything if he would just believe me that I do.
This is what he wants to happen. Now the focus is on you. He says because you did xyz, you dont love him. His communication was manipulative because it deflects the focus of how you are feeling, to making you feel guilty for evening considering the idea. Now its you who is having to prove something. Its manipulative because he trying to control how you feel. I bet the next time you are suspicious you'll just let it drop. I bet you'll be afraid to approach him again. That's pretty much what he's going for, whether he knows it or not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smile_Jenny
Why is he so mad at me I am trying everything I can to show him or tell him that I do trust him, but its so hard since he wont answer my calls (only called him 2 times) or answer my texts when I told him that I do trust him.
Actually, you dont trust him. If you trusted him you would have never asked him about the other girl. But now he has you on the defensive. Now he can pretty much do whatever he wants and you cant bring it up, that is, you cant bring it up if you love him (his conditions).
What did he say the first time you asked him? Why did you ask him the first time? Has he shown any concern for how you are feeling?
When I first brought it up he was hurt that I would even think that. He seemed concered about how I was feeling that he would do what ever it took to make me feel better. Which wasnt much but his word. But the reason why this has started again is because she just broke up with her boyfriend, and is using my fiance to talk to. She has said that she wishes I wasnt around because she wants him. I know i shouldnt of brought it up but the friend who told me what she had told me twisted her words to make me believe what she said over him. Lets just say this I am very very gullable and emotional due to the pregnancy.
Just a suggestion here... When you wonder about something, how about not phrasing it as a question, which can be considered "cornering." Rather, just say "someone told me something funny..." then relate the story. Don't accuse unless you have proof.
Really, a relationship has to be built on trust... Otherwise, it may not be a strong relationship.
Thank you Line6guy, your right I should of brought it up a different way. I do have proof that she did say what she did but that was because my mom had herd her. I do trust him and It takes alot for me to trust people because my father had cheated on my mom not once or twice but three times. I was raised not to trust people so I dont but now I trust him its hard on me. If that makes sence.
But the reason why this has started again is because she just broke up with her boyfriend, and is using my fiance to talk to. She has said that she wishes I wasnt around because she wants him.
If my H was talking to a girl like that I'd have my suspicions, too, and id talk to him about it until i felt comfortable with it. If he got angry, i'd try to find a different way to approach him.
I know your fiance's anger is deflecting the issue, but it sounds like you are still worried about her being around him. Maybe the way you are approaching him isnt the best way, but dont ignore how you are feeling.
He wants me to meet her and maybe go shopping with her and get to know her better. They have been friends for three years, but not really good friends maybe more or aquantices (know I didnt spell that right) I told him maybe but I still would want him there or have one of his good friends there as well, mostly his good friend which is also my good friend and if this girl says anything our good friend will be there to be proof.
Well this depends. Do you have a history of questioning him? Is this a first? How did you approach him? If he felt like you were accusing him, I could see his point or if he has reason to feel you do not trust him such as always doubting him. If this is a first and you didn't bring it up accusing him, well I hate to say it but those that are guilty defend by getting angry. Make you feel bad for asking when they are the one that is really doing wrong. I'm not jumping to conclusions, read the first part and be really honest with yourself. If he is unjustified in feeling you don't trust him then you need to look at the possibility he's acting this way because you have reason not to trust him.
When I first brought it up he was hurt that I would even think that. He seemed concered about how I was feeling that he would do what ever it took to make me feel better. Which wasnt much but his word. But the reason why this has started again is because she just broke up with her boyfriend, and is using my fiance to talk to.
The first part of this is encouraging, he was concerned about your feelings. Second part is a red flag. Sorry may be my suspicious mind but my DH started his affair this way with another woman. She talked to him about her personal problems. I said it bothered me and he was hurt I didn't trust him. Turned out I had good reason. They developed an emotional attachment through this. I always knew she had a crush on him, just like this girl has on your boyfriend. Sorry but he's in the wrong here for spending so much time with her when he is engaged to you and you are pregnant with his child. He's being thoughtless and manipulative. But good communication is important here so don't accuse but be honest about how it bothers you and then LISTEN to him, really listen. Try to work it out through good communication. Good luck!
Now we have been trying harder to understand eachother more now that there are two babys involved. Just sitting here and thinking about this has made me relize when I have one of the two guy friends over ( i was best friends with before me and my fiance have started to date.) when there over and were just hanging out playing video games or doing homework cause one of them is my partner for my zoology class, my fiance somehow always comes over. Does that mean he doesnt trust me?
Thank you Line6guy, your right I should of brought it up a different way. I do have proof that she did say what she did but that was because my mom had herd her. I do trust him and It takes alot for me to trust people because my father had cheated on my mom not once or twice but three times. I was raised not to trust people so I dont but now I trust him its hard on me. If that makes sence.
When I said proof, I meant like more than second hand knowledge, such as what someone else said. What others observe can be slanted when told to you, even if the third person has the best intentions towards you, such as a friend. I meant more than just what someone said. Is this something YOU have noticed to. I'm not saying what you were told was wrong, but you have to make sure on these things.
One thing to think about. I understand that you may have been "taught" not to trust. But, don't put that one someone else. I don't mean that to sound rude, because it will affect you. But your SO does not deserve to be distrusted because of what happened to someone else. You don't want to use blind trust, of course. But, you will find it is best to start with a "clean slate" rather than just assume because one person was not trustworthy, other's should not be worthy of trust. Unless, of course, they show themselves to be not trustworthy. (I'm speaking a bit from experience, by the way...)
Im not sure if this counts but at the start of our relationship he was hanging out with some friends and one was a girl, she had shot him with an air soft gun (pellit gun). Then she pushed him down on the gound and forced him down yeah hard to believe but i was there she is stong for a girl and about 150lbs heaver than my fiance. then she kissed him right in front of me but the thing that hurt was he didnt pull away or push away.
Was this girl the same girl in question? What does "at the start of the relationship" actually mean? How long has your relationship been? Sometimes, a thing happens that takes you by surprise, and it is not as easy to have a reaction quickly, but it is easy to think what the reaction should have been after the fact.
I dont understand why he is so mad at me. 
