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Finances in a marriage are typically....

  • Most of the time financial obligations are shared by husband and wife.

    Votes: 2 15.4%
  • Incomes are kept separate, husband pays all bills and wife does whatever she wants with her money

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Bills are split, incomes are separate and each pay their portion

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • When couples get married, finances go in one big pot where everything is paid from

    Votes: 11 84.6%
  • Husband pays everything unless he falls short and then the wife should gladly help pay

    Votes: 0 0.0%
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Financial Responsibilities and Marriage

2K views 8 replies 8 participants last post by  AliceA 
#1 ·
Hello, my name is Bill and I am hoping to get some opinions on some issues I am having in my marriage. I love my wife very much and we have a perfect marriage with the exception of a couple issues that we just cant seem to see eye to eye on. I am 38 and my wife is 41. I have 2 children who live with me part time. Her children are grown and on their own. I lost my job unexpectedly (nothing I did wrong, victim of circumstance) but before I lost my job, my wife and I had been building a home based business. We began by selling products online but it had a few spin offs that seemed to do really well. My wife continued selling products and I started doing graphic design and printing. When I was employed and even before my wife started selling online (with any significance financially), we lived on my income alone. She had moved back from florida and we decided she was going to be a housewife. Since I worked outside the home, she took care of the house work. When I lost my job, we werent really making enough to replace my income but we decided to give it all we had and attempt to grow our business to a point where it would support us. As I said before, we were doing 2 different things but ultimately working toward one goal. We receive payments through our own respective paypal accounts. At one point, all the money we earned kind of went into one big pot but one day she had kind of a "my money, your money" attitude. I really didnt think much about it and just kind of let it go. That started a definitive separation of the funds and it just got worse from there. Now, I am finding myself paying all the bills and if I even think about her money being available to pay bills, she gets furious. It has now come to the point where she has told me "I will do whatever I want with the money I earn and I dont care what you think". One particular issue came about the other day when she decided to have a website built for her business. I built my website on my own because I couldnt afford to pay to have it done. She was totally against the website originally telling me I was wasting my time. Now that it is done, it is generating money daily. Not tons of money but definitely worth the time invested. Now that she sees this, she has found someone to build a website for her and is going to pay $400 to have it done. I know $400 is cheap to have a website built but I felt she should have offered to help me pay the bills that she sees me stressing out over getting the money together to pay. She took extreme offense to my way of thinking. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Are finances divided in most marriages? Do most husbands and wives have "My money" "Your money". And should one of the adults be responsible for all the bills while the other does whatever they want with their money? This is just one issue of a few we are having but the mindset she has on this is pretty much standard for anything else similar. Another issue is that she speaks horribly to me, so mean and hateful. I brush most of it off but Im human. If I speak to her in the wrong tone or raise my voice at all she tells me "you need to lower your voice and watch your tone". Then later, because I may have raised my voice or gotten upset, she says I have no respect for her and treat her horribly. Just looking for another point of view.
 
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#2 ·
Good evening
None of those apply to me.
I my marriage, my wife and I put money into common accounts. All bills and most activities are taken out of that common account.

We have a separate fun money account / budget. We each pay for our hobbies / fun out of that. It also pays for the cost for either of us to purchase a car above the cost of a reliable generic econo- box (Toyota corolla).
 
#3 ·
Please add some paragraphs to your post. It’s very hard to read.

Your poll needs an “other” selection and/or a “all of the above”.

Each couple does what they decide to do. I think that most combine their income in a joint account and they both get some ‘personal’ spending money. But I’ve never seen a study on this.

My take on it is that marriage is a partnership and thus should be treated like one. Legally, in most states, all money earned during a marriage is community income. It belongs to both of you. Each of you own 50% of the other’s business.

When problems start developing about money, it signals that there are other problems in the marriage.

Your wife says “you need to lower your voice and watch your tone". Then later, because I may have raised my voice or gotten upset, she says I have no respect for her and treat her horribly.”

It sounds like she is not very happy with the marriage and it’s coming out in the way she wants to handle money.

Are you aware of how much money she is actually making and what her costs are? Could it be that she’s not making much or making a huge amount and now hiding it from you?

There is no way that you should accept her putting all the bills on you. That’s not acceptable at all. You need to address this with her.
 
#4 ·
Is your wife competitive in any other aspects of your marriage? She's running her own business, and has a plan to grow that business. I think it would be healthy to discuss her business plans with her, what her goals are, maybe use S.M.A.R.T. goals method.

Does she seem financially responsible to you? More importantly, do you seem financially responsible to her?

If she is contending for her funds because she has a plan to grow her business, that isn't always a bad thing, but you need to respectfully remind her that if her business becomes more of a priority than her family, she may lose both.

Ask her to put it all on paper, that way you can look it over in your own time, without ruining a good dinner.
 
#7 ·
When I was working (before becoming a SAHM), both of our paychecks would go into the joint account. We each have our own checking accounts as well because we would each get a set amount per paycheck to what we want with. Now that I'm a SAHM, my husband pays all the bills and gives me $500 per month for myself to do what I want with. He does the same for himself as well.

If I were bringing in a paycheck, I would definitely expect to add to the household financially. I don't know if your wife is hiding money, or is embarrassed because her business might not be doing well?
 
#8 ·
IMHO, this is not a marriage - heck its not even a partnership! What did you agree on at the start with regards to income going into a single pot, bills etc.

I agree with Ele in that something else is going on - she is detaching from the marriage and you need to know/find out why.
 
#9 · (Edited)
From the day we became engaged, everything was 'ours'. DH was out of work for a time, my income supported us. I became a SAHM, DH's income supported us. It's completely pooled. Accounts are in both names. I deal with all the financial stuff but bills are not his problem, or my problem, they are our problem, regardless of what we earn individually.

As for the tone of voice thing, I've always thought it'd be nice to record someone without their knowing about it for a day and see if what they are saying is correct or not. DH would never admit to being nasty as he never swore or yelled, but tone is everything. His mother taught him a lot in that department I think. She would speak to you like you were sh*t on her shoe but claim she was completely innocent of any wrongdoing, that she was merely 'asking a question' or some garbage. All her pronouncements of innocence didn't stop her from being a scum bag.
 
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