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Father-In-Law Issues

1K views 6 replies 4 participants last post by  filwedge 
#1 ·
Hello all,

I would like to first start out by saying, I know you probably get people like me all of the time, and have heard similar stories, but I would really just like to get this off of my chest and see what people think.

I am having issues with my father-in-law. I am 27 and my wife is 23. We have been married for almost 5 years and have a good relationship. I think some of this might have to do with how young we/she was when our relationship started.

In any event, my father-in-law is always being critical of me around my wife. He won't do this when I am around, never. He has never brought up any issues he may have with me to my face, instead, he constantly complains about me to my wife. There is nothing I can do ever that will make him happy and stop nagging about me.

This issue has been ongoing for a a good 3 years now, but has escalated lately, as we are getting ready to move quite far from her family. I am already in the new location getting things prepared, and she is now in with her parents until the summer when she can join me. This has caused things to get worse. He complains about me to her, to her mother while she is around, and has even started being critical of me in front of her entire family at family gatherings.

This situation stresses my wife out and makes her depressed. I have told her she needs to stand up for herself/me and defend us. She says things like "you don't know him, that will only make it worse" and "I don't want to cause any drama".

I just wonder what drama she is avoiding? Almost everyday she gets an earful about me, she is living out the drama daily. I feel like she needs to draw some boundaries here. It also concerns me that she seems unwilling to defend me. Maybe this is the man in me, but I feel disrespected and would appreciate my wife standing up for me. If anyone in my family were saying the same things about her, I would be quick to nip it immediately. She seems unwilling to do that, and it hurts me. I would confront him myself, but I don't know if that would be of any help at all, and I do think it is her responsibility regardless.

I would like to let this roll off of my back, but it is getting to the point now where I am irritated, feel disrespected, and hurt that my wife won't stand up for me. Am I just being petty?
 
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#3 ·
How do you know about this? I guess your wife is telling you everything he says?

I don't know her father. He sounds like a jerk (assuming that what he is saying is not true). The drama she might be talking about is that if she stands up to him and defends you, he might kick her out. Where would she go live if she could not live with her parents?
 
#4 ·
You have said what your father-in-law is saying to your wife (his daughter) but you have not offered a possible reason (or reasons) as to why he is doing this. Do you really have no clue as to why he may be doing this ?

I have daughters and if I thought they were making a mistake with somebody then I would talk to them and not their spouses - after all I am their father and will always look out for them.

What is he saying about you and as others have asked, could any of it be true ? If not, then your daughter needs to address it with him or else invite him to talk directly with you.
 
#5 ·
I know what he says because my wife tells me about these conversations. It's worth noting that at the beginning of our relationship he loved me. He even insisted on paying for our wedding even though I told him numerous times I didn't want him to do that, that we just wanted something small and inexpensive, and that we could take care of it ourselves. But he wouldn't budge and ended up throwing a giant event anyway. He then proceeded to hold that over my wife's head in later years.

He thinks I am not good enough for her, and that she carries the load in the relationship, because she got a college degree, and now ended up getting a better job than me, and I am just not good enough for her. What he fails to realize is I made great personal sacrifices so she could achieve these things. I put off my own goals and ambitions to work jobs that weren't as great as I have the potential to achieve so I could support us while SHE pursued these things. Was it beneficial to me personally? Not really. But that was the position we were put in by starting our lives together at such a young age.

I have moved great distances from home so she could attend a local school she could afford, I have taken any job I could get to support us when she could only work part-time or not work at all.even though most of the time they were either low-level or manufacturing jobs.

We discussed beforehand that when she was done with school and making a steady income, we would allow time for me to start to pursue some of my own ambitions. Basically trading who supports who for awhile. I considered going to college to obtain my bachelors myself, I considered taking up starting an internet business. In the end, I decided to get my certification to sell insurance because though I was making money with my business, it wasn't providing the resources I wanted.

I have had less than a year to figure out what it is I want to do with my career and life, but he thinks I am a loser who can't do anything right. First I can't get a good job to support us, now I can't figure out what I want. Even if my wife tells him, he has been taking classes to get his insurance certification and when he is done, he has a job lined up, he just laughs and shrugs it off. If I am not making more than her yet, apparently I am no good for her.
 
#6 ·
I know what he says because my wife tells me about these conversations. It's worth noting that at the beginning of our relationship he loved me. He even insisted on paying for our wedding even though I told him numerous times I didn't want him to do that, that we just wanted something small and inexpensive, and that we could take care of it ourselves. But he wouldn't budge and ended up throwing a giant event anyway. He then proceeded to hold that over my wife's head in later years.

He thinks I am not good enough for her, and that she carries the load in the relationship, because she got a college degree, and now ended up getting a better job than me, and I am just not good enough for her. What he fails to realize is I made great personal sacrifices so she could achieve these things. I put off my own goals and ambitions to work jobs that weren't as great as I have the potential to achieve so I could support us while SHE pursued these things. Was it beneficial to me personally? Not really. But that was the position we were put in by starting our lives together at such a young age.

I have moved great distances from home so she could attend a local school she could afford, I have taken any job I could get to support us when she could only work part-time or not work at all.even though most of the time they were either low-level or manufacturing jobs.

We discussed beforehand that when she was done with school and making a steady income, we would allow time for me to start to pursue some of my own ambitions. Basically trading who supports who for awhile. I considered going to college to obtain my bachelors myself, I considered taking up starting an internet business. In the end, I decided to get my certification to sell insurance because though I was making money with my business, it wasn't providing the resources I wanted.

I have had less than a year to figure out what it is I want to do with my career and life, but he thinks I am a loser who can't do anything right. First I can't get a good job to support us, now I can't figure out what I want. Even if my wife tells him, he has been taking classes to get his insurance certification and when he is done, he has a job lined up, he just laughs and shrugs it off. If I am not making more than her yet, apparently I am no good for her.
 
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