So I will be getting married in a few months and my future wife and I both have children from previous relationships.
We have decided to write our own vows. She recently told me how she wants us to also wrote vows to our children. I feel that this is an attempt to put her child into the spotlight as she often demands to be.
I feel that this day is about us and doesn't require a vow to the children!
How should I go about telling her I'm not doing it? So that it doesn't become an issue on our wedding day.
Just tell her. Tell her that it seems creepy to you as though you are marrying her daughter. Her daughter has a father. You are not replacing her father. You think it will confuse her daughter.
Tell her that you do not want your children to be involved in the ceremony.
Make a big deal to her that this day is about the two of you. It's not about the children. While they will be there and some family thing can be done after the actual marriage, that you will not do this.
If you cannot tell her your feelings and stand up for them to her, you have no business marrying her.
I would deal with this asap, do not give her any impression that you will be doing it. TBH it seems so OTT and unnecessary, as Ele said the girl already has a dad, you are not replacing him, you are marrying her mum.
Divorce rate for second (or subsequent) marriages is at least 70%. The major reason are the children brought into the marriage. It's very hard to make a marriage work with step children.
And it seems you are starting with a bad situation.
One reason for not doing vows to the children is that you cannot promise step children that you will always be there. Their parents can yank them out of your life in a heart beat. So don't even promise kids something that you have no control over.
Before you marry, you and your fiancé need to go to get some books on step parenting and perhaps to go family counseling to learn how to blend a family. I can tell from her request that she has no clue. You probably don't either. Most people don't.
I wrote my stepdaughter into my vows. I said "I will love "X" as my own daughter, and be her ally and confidant". That was all.
She was also written into the ceremony, the celebrant said that our wedding created not only a marriage but a family...etc. She also cut the cake with us, lol
Different strokes for different folks.
I will add that it was me who wrote her in, it was completely my idea and not at the request of my husband.
Her child should and will come first so get used to it. Husbands come and go but this will always be her child. Conflicts with children are the #1 reason second marriages fail.
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