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ever good to NOT tell people until after divorce?!

1K views 11 replies 4 participants last post by  Adeline 
#1 ·
i wrote out a long explanation for this but then realized people may not want to read that much so i'll just keep it simple and to the point... is there ever a reason or circumstance or what have you, where not telling family about a divorce until AFTER it is said and done is the better option? Basically saying to them this is what i did and this is why, it is done. Deal with it... not in a mean way, but more in a there is no need for preventative talk. Because it's already occurred. Whether it'd be for emotional reasons (like with me) or other reasons... is it ever better to withhold such information until after the divorce is either final or filed/far along?
 
#3 ·
I can see the merits in keeping others out. Ariel angel comes to mind. She was in an abusive relationship, due to her family's beliefs, they pressured her into staying,even though it increase the risk of her life being endangered.

Some people do not know how the relationship really is, and they only see what they witnessed, but people tend to alter their behavior around others. An insecure person may wear a confident mask around others, giving them a false perception of who they really are. Narcissists comes to mind also, to the public, they wil show their charming charismatic self, but in their private life, those close to them will experience their true ugly side.
 
#4 ·
dang, was hoping more people would have chimed in on this.

Is "ariel angel" a user or some other story... ? I will have to check it out.

It sounds like it could be somewhat similar to my reasons... I think my family would encourage me to stay, even if I explained that we've already tried working things out for years and things have progressively gotten worse. I feel like it might actually bring MORE stress into the situation instead of clarity and support from them.

I've had some people on here encourage me to tell my family to garner more support, but just a few things tell me that wouldn't happen. 2 friends I have confided in have told me maybe don't tell them until you have filed and are ready to move... at first I thought "yeah, that'd be nice... but I couldn't do that... " but lately the more I think about it the more I think it might actually be the BETTER option overall.

Is it completely unfair though to your family to do this? That seems to be the one downside. The continued lies up until that point, and not giving them the benefit of the doubt. The adage "you don't know until you try" however trying may prove to be more emotionally damaging. I don't know. Hoping to hear from some more peeps!
 
#5 ·
I'll chime in I just saw this thread!

I have not told my Mom or Sister and assorted extended family. Only a few of my close friends know. I'll tell my family when it is final.

Why? I didn't want the judgement and them telling me to stay, give him another chance...I know I'll get judgement after the fact one way or another, at least I can have peace during the process. I don't think they'd be supportive just push their agenda.

It sucks that you can't always count on people for unwavering support. Only my close friends that were supportive after I learned of his affair know about the divorce.
 
#6 ·
I didn't want the judgement and them telling me to stay, give him another chance...I know I'll get judgement after the fact one way or another, at least I can have peace during the process. I don't think they'd be supportive just push their agenda.
YES. Especially the bolded... I know they will have their opinions and judge either way, can't avoid that, but once it's said and done they will just have to get over their judgment more speedily since giving advice about saving the marriage would be irrelevant then. I WANT their support, but I do not think I will get it. Happy to hear from someone who has done/planned to do this. I wonder how many people do choose this? Maybe more than I think.
 
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#9 ·
Talk About Marriage - View Profile: ariel_angel77

Here is the TAM member Mr. Fisty referred to.
thanks :)

and I had always thought that keeping it to myself is the "easy way out" but now that the divorce is imminent and I'm actually having to take this steps and consider these talks, it's actually starting to seem that it may be the better choice not to tell them. Something I hadn't considered before.

Is your family against divorce for religious reasons? If so, you might want to see this website: A Cry For Justice | Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst This website is all about how abuse is mishandled in most churches and what the Bible really says about it. It might help you, if that is where you are coming from.
yes, there definitely is that element in play here some... but it's actually not even the main concern. I think they'd want me to save the marriage simply because they think my husband is the greatest and possibly could put the blame heavily on me... religious reasons wouldn't even be the primary motivation for them to be against things. Not sure if that makes it better or worse though!
 
#8 ·
#10 ·
Your family would prefer to believe only the things that they witness, but again, they cannot observe your husband in private situation. So, of course they will only see the good side, and they love him, so it will color their view of him.

There advice would be terrible, considering that they have a different picture of him compared to you. To them, he is shiny and good, while you seen what was beneath the surface. You lived with him when the stress was great.

If your family is only going to be a hindrance,then you know what is best for you to get through this situation.

Do you think your husband will run to your family to gather support?
 
#12 ·
Your family would prefer to believe only the things that they witness, but again, they cannot observe your husband in private situation. So, of course they will only see the good side, and they love him, so it will color their view of him.

There advice would be terrible, considering that they have a different picture of him compared to you. To them, he is shiny and good, while you seen what was beneath the surface. You lived with him when the stress was great.

If your family is only going to be a hindrance,then you know what is best for you to get through this situation.

Do you think your husband will run to your family to gather support?
yes, I know that regardless of how fast they come around, they will at first not be able to reconcile their view of him compared to me saying we're getting a divorce because of x and y.

As far as the bolded question, anything is possible, but my gut says no. He's barely seen them the last couple years, he would have rather not seen them at all. He's very anti people. So that may be a good thing in this case.

You are personally responsible for taking care of yourself and making choices that are for your well-being. If someone is getting in the way of you meeting this responsibility, then it is best not to discuss it with them. Not telling them is wise.



Then I highly recommend that you go to A Cry For Justice | Awakening the Evangelical Church to Domestic Violence and Abuse in its Midst. They cover this topic of a person appearing one way to the public and another in private. This is a common abuse tactic. The site has a lot of helpful information.
ok yeah I will check it out, because that is very much so him... appears one way in public and another with me in private... and he's viewed as someone to look up to almost in his professional life. Sigh. It has been a frustrating contrast.

As much as I have tried to shield my parents from my husband's bad side (mainly because I had hoped the marriage would work out and didn't want his reputation tarnished with my family) I now kind of wish they had witnessed SOMETHING contrary to what they view him as. If they would have been around him more they definitely would have. Oh well, hindsight is 20/20 I suppose! Can't do anything about that now. I just really wish I knew I could harness instant, unwavering support from my own parents.
 
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