Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.

on responsible non monogamy

11K views 103 replies 21 participants last post by  brownmale 
#1 ·
#3 ·
I would be more interested in what you have to say than a carefully constructed article.

I won't ever promote or condone poly screwing or whatever the current term is but I do respect truth and honesty.

Poly folks might be tired of hearing certain things but that doesn't render them untrue.

Two facts that are always diverted or downplayed are the very real increase in chances for STDs and pregnancies.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#4 ·
Like a lot of other non-conventional relationship dynamics, non monogamy is often poorly understood by those who don't practice it, don't care to understand it, and who disapprove of it. For people who object to it morally or find it socially dangerous, or who have had negative personal experiences with it, there even exists the motivation to "educate" others on its dangers.

And the reality is that not everyone who tries it is going to have a good experience with it. It's not for everyone, and there is plenty that can go wrong. But the same can be said for marriage.

The best we can do , if we choose "alternative lifestyle" dynamics is to educate ourselves, seek out supportive communities, realize the importance of clear communication with our partners, and keep true to our own boundaries.

There is nothing wrong with understanding the reasons why criticism of these lifestyles exist, and engaging in productive conversation around those concerns; but there is no use in engaging in battles with people who already have their minds made up and who are more interested in judging than learning.
 
#5 ·
I am tired of hearing that I don't understand because I don't approve.

I understand many issues that I won't approve of or advocate for.

I am on very good relational terms with several people involved with practices I find wrong, inappropriate, etc...

I understand them quite well.

If the point of this post is to let all of us disapproving monogamous folks know what a poly is tired of hearing and to point out that monogamy is just as risky, if not more, then I would definitely challenge that perception.

The risks are eminently greater when you multiply the number of humans involved.

The argument seems to be that a poly works harder and is more careful. Of course, they would have to work harder and be more careful to avoid the very real increase in dangers their lifestyle entails.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#31 ·
Are you saying you don't approve for yourself or for anyone?

In all cases?

You take the STD angle. Which I get, and would be a giant concern for me (for others, this lifestyle isn't for me).

Let's say I'm going to have, I dunno, 20 partners over a 10 year time frame in a typical serialized non monogamy fashion. I.e. 'exclusive dating'.

Or I could have 5 years with one group of 10 people, and 5 years with another group. Etc.

What's the difference?

Assuming everyone is playing safe, of course.
 
#6 ·
I am in a monogamish relationship, a term coined by Dan Savage,and I accept the risks and pitfalls that come along with it.

I know that relationships are just probability. I don't have an idealistic view of any relationship type. Monogamy has the same chance of risk as an open relationship. Love at first sight occurs, and you could lose your partner that way. Nothing is an absolute for success, and what rules and boundaries is for is to increase the rate of success.

Sure, my gf can, or has a chance of finding someone who is better match than me, someone who triggers more of her drives. She faces the same risk as well. I done poly, and discover it is not for me.

The best way to insure that our relationship will last, it depends on how we maintain, and grow with one another.

I feel secure if I lose her, I will move on and find someone else, because I know nothing is guaranteed, and I made peace with that, and I know that I love myself enough to move on. I am not going to hang up my self-worth on an outcome of a relationship that has too many factors to it. The factor that I control is myself, and what my boundaries are.

It doesn't mean that we will practice it for a lifetime either.

It is only cheating if there is deception, plus, if we engage in sex with anyone else, we have our blood tested, and wait for the results before we engage.

I don't plan on marrying, and am okay with a commitment ceremony. If she ever wants to get marry, that is my boundary, and I will let her go, so she can find someone who can meet that need.

I am practical instead of idealistic.

Funny though, even in an open relationship, we do not sleep with others often, and perhaps it is because we are still in the honeymoon phase, and we get the most fulfillment with each other.
 
#7 ·
Somebody,

Understandably this topic makes people uncomfortable. I think it's an important topic.

In a scenario where your choices are:
- pressuring your partner to do something they clearly don't enjoy
- involuntary celibacy and all the resentment associated with that
- divorce
- having a secret affair
- having some type of open marriage

It's a no brainier to me.

And I'm not talking about doing this casually or using this as the basis for extorting sex from a partner.

While I think divorce is far better (for the adults) than a secret affair. It's always puzzled me that so many people see the idea of an open marriage - as a total non option.

I couldn't stay with a spouse whose posture was: I'm not going to sleep with you AND I'm not going to try to fix that part of our marriage AND I'll eviscerate you if you do THAT with anyone else.

That's not love that's about possession.

QUOTE=NobodySpecial;12532218]This

Bustle[/QUOTE]
 
#8 ·
I couldn't handle it. From him or myself.
 
#12 ·
I couldn't handle it. From him or myself.
I'm too much of a Romantic at
to be involved with any sort of Non-monogamy.. ..I don't consider myself "Idealistic".... though in Romance.. I HAVE BEEN.. I'll blame this on my Husband .. it's his fault..

I DO idealize whom I love.. I would fall prey to wanting to worship and adore ONE of them over the other, and greatly desire that same type of whirlwind exclusiveness from my lover... I would be devastated if my husband wanted another.. and he would be also...if I went there..

Though I am with MEM.. in the fact.. I wouldn't put up with a sexless marriage, or anything resembling it ...and Honesty is a must..... Making love is something I NEED ....if this was ripped from our union..that idealization and love/lust for him would slowly die , being eaten with resentment and I'd be thinking over the fence .. I'd have to get out...
 
#9 ·
Talking about marriage means talking about marriages that work, including those that are not monogamous. After all the name of this site is not TAM(onomgamy).

One woman's blog.

It seems like most of TAM CWI stories deal with troubled people and troubled relationships. There are probably a less than 20 percent who could possibly have overcome their marital problems by experimenting with an open marriage.

It would seem to me that successful open marriages probably follow patterns. Cheaters in a open marriages would probably break the open marriage rules and end up divorced.
 
#10 ·
I don't know what the success rate is when a troubled marriage adopts poly as a "fix" for its issues. I'm guessing it's not very high. The people I know who are happily in a relationship and happily poly started out that way--poly was their "orientation" and they knew it going into their relationship, and they sought a partner who was compatible with that orientation and that lifestyle.

For a couple who has been married and monogynous for a long time who then decide to adopt a poly lifestyle, I think the risks are higher. And if the marriage is already strained, the risks are higher still (although there is less to lose if it proves to be the final nail.)

I have no moral objection, and although we are surely curious and the possibility gets lots of fantasy play in our sex life, my husband and I wouldn't attempt it at this stage of our lives. We have too much to lose.
 
#11 ·
The woman with the blog explains herself pretty well. She is needy and her husband doesn't want to go out, chase her and court her. He is not interested in sexual experimentation. She seems to be dependent on her husband. It sounds like he is the more secure person.
 
#15 ·
Good evening
I don't think non-monogamy is "wrong" in any moral sense, but I think it does not work well for the majority of people, even those who think it will work for them.

I have poly friends and my impression is that it really isn't working out well for them.

It sounds like fun, but I know it wouldn't work for me. I can't enjoy sex without love, and I can't love multiple people without conflicts developing.
 
#16 ·
Good evening
I don't think non-monogamy is "wrong" in any moral sense, but I think it does not work well for the majority of people, even those who think it will work for them.

I have poly friends and my impression is that it really isn't working out well for them.

It sounds like fun, but I know it wouldn't work for me. I can't enjoy sex without love, and I can't love multiple people without conflicts developing.
You are correct. It's more complex than monogamy, so additional difficulties are likely. When it does work, it's wonderful, just like a good monogamous relationship is wonderful when it works. We already know that the majority of monogamous relationships fail or are plagued with problems and unhappiness too, but we all get into whatever kind of relationship appeals to us in the pursuit of happiness and other goals.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Mr.Fisty
#43 ·
Ha.... You sound like my hubby, weve had a discussion in the past and he laughed and said "good god, your enough to handle i could not handle another".... :D. I think i keep him on his toes. I do not think he could handle having another woman on the go... I wear him out:smthumbup:... He would have no energy to keep someone else.

In all honestly tho, I have to agree with the fam. I do not agree with it at all... Open relationships Pologamy i mean why?? Why would anyone want this?...

Even if i was not married with my husband who i would rather die first than let him have sex or see him with other women... I still could not do in any relationship, I honestly do not think i am built that way... I love to much.
 
  • Like
Reactions: EllisRedding
#26 ·
I had an older couple give me advice. Even though I am not poly, a lot of relationship issues came up early and often. It is like a big mass of experience all at once, juggling schedules, people's needs.

But, I don't think every couple needs to go down the poly route to have a successful relationship. Some people just find someone that they are so compatible, and they never felt a need to open up the marriage.

If anything, doing poly or testing it out at an early age is advantageous, just for the experience alone. It can help you better focus on what type of person you are looking for, what your needs are, and how best you can help meet your partner/partner's needs.
 
#27 ·
I had an older couple give me advice. Even though I am not poly, a lot of relationship issues came up early and often. It is like a big mass of experience all at once, juggling schedules, people's needs.

But, I don't think every couple needs to go down the poly route to have a successful relationship. Some people just find someone that they are so compatible, and they never felt a need to open up the marriage.
This is one of the things that is often misunderstood about poly. It is not about an absence. It is not a deficit of compatibility or anything else. I think that was even mentioned in the article. It is about the ability and desire to love more than one person. You either ARE able and DO desire, or you don't.
 
#41 ·
SomebodyS,
I simply view it as a 'consenting adult' thing.


QUOTE=NobodySpecial;12564753]Well it also reflects the shifting view on the basis for morality. Once upon a time, it was God and Bible, period. Or your denomination's interpretation of same. With the rise in CINO (christians in name only) and the those who outright reject religion, the basis for morality has changed. A lot of the remaining religious assume that it amounts to a wholesale tossing of morality out with the god. But it certainly isn't for us nor the people we associate with.

We may have cast aside the puritan views of our forbears in favor of more practical views. But our moral compass is guided by compassion, caring, sharing and loving. Seems pretty moral to me. And this kind of morality does not require a mean old father in the sky ready to spank us if we don't comply. Being part of a group of compassionate, caring, sharing and loving people is its won reward.

I am not trying to put words in ConanHub's mouth. This is just jumping off from where you are based on my own experience.[/QUOTE]
 
#42 ·
I wrote about my single experience with an open marriage before on TAM, but here it is again. On a trip I met a couple, the wife had crush on me and showed up in my hotel room one night. I was in my mid 20s, she was a couple of years older. It was apparent what she wanted. I kissed her. She stopped me and said she had to go ask her husband's permission. She left and came back with his go ahead.

They had a open marriage. A quarter century later she popped up on Facebook. She wanted to reminisce. She was still married to the same guy. They had had two sons, now grown up. She, her husband, my youngest daughter and I all went out to dinner in NYC last summer. They are not immoral people. They marriage was a success.

They stopped the open marriage deal after having kids.
 
#45 ·
I suspect we will see polyamory legalized in the sense of allowing plural marriage sometime in the next 10 years. That is because all of the legal arguments against it have been made against same-sex marriage, and have failed.

I think it can work for the right people. It is certainly not a solution to a weak marriage, but to me anyway is far superior morally to cheating. After all, many people here have said that the lying is more hurtful than the sexual infidelity, and lying isn't necessary with polyamory.
 
#70 ·
SomebodyS,
Let me try to frame what I believe you are saying.

If either you or your H were to say to the other: I'd like you to stop sleeping with anyone else, you would do so.

I think of it as polyamory with a strong primary partner who has the ability to exercise a veto.

That said I DO get the impression that folks who are polyamorous are unlikely to exercise a veto while ignoring or rejecting their partner sexually.






QUOTE=NobodySpecial;12566473]So is mine. So is my husband's. So is my BFs and my GFs. We have agreed that that is how it should and must be if it ever comes to that. It never has.[/QUOTE]
 
#72 ·
SomebodyS,
Let me try to frame what I believe you are saying.

If either you or your H were to say to the other: I'd like you to stop sleeping with anyone else, you would do so.
We never ever "slept with other people". We have ALWAYS been together. Well as a choice. There were like 2 instances else-wise. They weren't that interesting.
I think of it as polyamory with a strong primary partner who has the ability to exercise a veto.

That said I DO get the impression that folks who are polyamorous are unlikely to exercise a veto while ignoring or rejecting their partner sexually.
It is not as transactional as you make it out to be. I mean if I said I want out today, DH would be like OK. He would want to know what is going on in my mind and heart. He would wonder why I went from in love with my BF to ok I am so done. SO we would talk about it. But the very last thing DH would intentionally do is hurt me.
 
#75 ·
NS,

I didn't realize the article you posted was about the responsiblities those in that lifestyle take on. Somehow I missed that. Sorry.

I do have some thoughts.

1. Don't care what you do or others.

2. If I was out dating, I'd want to know that someone was in a poly kind of thing.

3. With all the negativity, how would one know they weren't getting into some poly experience, if they don't want that? Wouldn't the poly individual not want to publicize that? Seems to me the meetups would be with folks of like mind identified by previous partners?

4. How can someone who does not want to get into that be reasonably sure the person they are talking with isn't into that lifestyle?

5. Please give me a little leeway here. I'm not sure about any of this. I don't understand it, do not want it explained, but want a little assurance, if I ever get to that place.

Thanks.
 
#76 ·
NS,

I didn't realize the article you posted was about the responsiblities those in that lifestyle take on. Somehow I missed that. Sorry.

I do have some thoughts.

1. Don't care what you do or others.

2. If I was out dating, I'd want to know that someone was in a poly kind of thing.
I have no experience with that. DH and I came to it together. We were mono for years at first, just like most folks.


3. With all the negativity, how would one know they weren't getting into some poly experience, if they don't want that? Wouldn't the poly individual not want to publicize that? Seems to me the meetups would be with folks of like mind identified by previous partners?
The work is full of all kinds. The only people I have experience with in RL and online have NO desire to hide. Why would they want a partner not interested in the same life as they?

4. How can someone who does not want to get into that be reasonably sure the person they are talking with isn't into that lifestyle?
This is just me, but I would ask them. I mean, if the person is a DB, they are probably a DB in a lot of their lives. I am not sure why this would any different.

5. Please give me a little leeway here. I'm not sure about any of this. I don't understand it, do not want it explained, but want a little assurance, if I ever get to that place.

Thanks.
Oh. Well sorry. I explained. You want assurance that people you date won't be lying DBs about the topic of polyamory? I guess I would want the people I date not to be lying DBs about EVERYTHING.
 
#78 ·
If my wife suggested this, I'd be crushed. It would be over.

That said, what a poly groupsome does with each other does not affect me in the slightest. I can barely keep up with my own marriage.

Carry on.
 
#80 ·
Just way too much of a "one woman guy" here! I don't really feel that I could forthrightly cope with "non-monogomy", unless of course I had IV's stuck in both arms, all while being joyfully transfused with JDBlack #7!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
You have insufficient privileges to reply here.
Top