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Is my husband gay/bi??

4K views 34 replies 17 participants last post by  ladybird 
#1 ·
Hi,

last week I was using my husbands laptop when I stumbled across his internet history ( genuinely stumbled - I wasn't snooping!!). I noticed that he had been looking at porn. No big deal as I know he uses porn. I don't mind as long as he is discrete and doesn't do it in front of me as it's not my thing.

the issue is that it was very clear that he has been looking at GAY porn - videos of men having sex with each other. This shocked me as we have been together for over 10 years and I have never had any inkling that he was into this sort of thing.

I confronted him when he arrived home from work. He was upset and embarrassed by admitted that he had viewed it. It turns out that it is something he looks at from time to time. He can't explain why but he said that he looked at it for the first time many years ago and found it arousing.

He promises me that he has never cheated or actually been with a guy and I do believe him. We have a happy marriage and a normal sex life, in fact, he is usually the one to initiate sex and clearly enjoys our sex life a great deal.

I have no issue with porn in general, nor am I homophobic in any way shape or form, I am just a bit bewildered that my husband would like this sort of thing.

He is constantly reassuring me that he loves me and that he would hate out marriage to be affected. I love him lots too and don't want to leave but I am just so confused.

I have looked on Google ( bad idea, I know!) and there is so much conflicting advice and opinion regarding straight men who view gay porn.

Is he gay/bi and will he eventually leave me or is the porn just something that he enjoys regardless of his sexual orientation. Please can you help me to get some clarity on this so that I can decide what my next steps should be.
 
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#8 ·
No straight man watches gay porn for the hell of it. You need to look more into it and watch his mannerisms. I'm leaning towards gay with the intention of trying it out sometime in the future. He says he watches it from time to time. Well depending on how long that time to time is, he's gearing up to have a little rendevouz with one of his "buddies." Don't let this just slide by. Major red flags for the future if he keeps watching it.
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#9 ·
Is he gay/bi and will he eventually leave me
You can always test this theory by buying a nice big dildo/strap-on, jar of KY and surprise him in the bedroom one evening... if he lets you slide it up the exit, you have your answer.
 
#12 ·
You said you have "a normal sex life". What is normal? Compared to what? The reason I ask is that if his drive calls for sex 3 times a week and you like it a couple times a month, there's a huge disconnect there.

So, he turns to porn to help him get off. But after a while vanilla porn doesn't work, so he turns to more kinky or taboo porn.

Now that doesn't mean he's not bisexual though since he does watch it he could seriously be leaning that way.

If you want to talk to him again, don't ask yes or no questions. Don't ask "Are you bi?" Instead ask "How long do you think you've been bi?" and see where it leads.
 
#16 ·
I'm curious what his age may be. I have noticed this thing that happens, similar to a midlife crisis, where men who were "in the closet" as they approach 40 decide they no longer want to be. I would watch his behavior closely for your own safety. If he is hiding a large part of his sexuality from you it is likely that it isn't just porn but also experimentation and that could be going on for years.

Not to say all this is going on. I guess it's possible he just has an interest but you really should be monitoring this situation.
 
#24 ·
He is 36. I don't think for a minute that he has cheated. I don't live porn personally BUT I accept that he watches it discretely and away from me. I guess that he couldn't have come to discuss the gay stuff with me any more than he would discuss straight porn.

I would bet my life that he hasn''t cheated on me. I did ask him when I first found it and he was horrified at the question.
 
#19 ·
Good evening
I don't know if there is a double standard among men an women. I get the impression (no data!) that men are a lot more comfortable with women being bisexual than men. I've always assumed that that was because straight men frequently find the idea of two women together to be very erotic, while the image of two men kissing is strangely disturbing to many men.

Do most women react the same way, or do they find two men kissing to be erotic, but two women kissing to be less so.


It doesn't really matter here anyway. Having bisexual fantasies does not mean a man has any interest in acting on them.
 
#22 ·
I guess it depends on having him be a bit bi threatening.

I mean, I guess if you unpack it, what you're really worried about is that he is gay and will leave you to go be gay (because you're not a guy.) Or that he will take these tendancies far enough to experiment with another guy.

Right?

If you're not worried about that, then let him own his sexuality honestly and don't fuss it. People's kinks are their own thing you know, and he shouldn't be shamed for that.

If you are worried about that, then what you really have is a trust issue. Which is a different thing.

And that's all assuming you as you have said are OK with your husband watching porn.
 
#34 ·
Key word, it does not sit well with you. Marriage is two ppl. Yes two individuals joined as one..but c'mon we all know that if one or the other is displeased about something you have to listen to your partner or the "issue" will just be swept under the rug and resurface later.
 
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