Mrs_So_Alone

I’m sitting here in my bedroom bawling my eyes and can’t even pinpoint why… I’ve been married for only 10 months (been with my husband almost 5 years) and question whether or not I made a mistake… My husband and I met in a whirlwind; he was going through a messy break-up, met at a club, LOTS of drama with his ex, he has a daughter…

To hit the bullet points: he moved in, his ex took off with his daughter, we spent over $30,000 fighting for custody, he is now custodial parent and has 50/50 (every-other week), we bought a house in July 2009 (after his psycho ex moved into a condo next to the one we were renting), more drama with his
psycho family (I now have a restraining order against his mom and sister), and we got married in August 2010.

Our relationship used to be HOT! My stomach would flip just to hear his name or see his face… I would rush home just to be with him, even if it was ordering take-out and watching a movie… He was my moon and I was his star… He would always compliment me; tell me how much he loved me, etc. etc. I’d say over the past 2 years things have gone downhill… We live more like roommates now than anything else, there’s no fun, no excitement, no nothing… We wake up, go to work, text about dinner, come home, eat, and go to bed… Sometimes I muster up enough energy to have sex, but only to pacify him, I really have no desire whatsoever to have sex with him…

I feel like he doesn’t value me or really respect me at all… I work 40+ hours a week, help take care of his daughter, do ALL the cooking, do ALL the cleaning, ALL the laundry, handle all the finances, etc. etc. and if I even ask him to help he cops an attitude… Little things he does have become a huge deal and its one thing on top of another, on top of another, on top of another… On Friday I came home and had a migraine headache I went upstairs to lay down he comes up and throws the door open, plops on the bed, and turns the TV on full blast… I ask him to turn it down and he throws a fit… I ask him to grab my ice pack out of the freezer and he says, “No, you’re closer.” (my side of the bed is my the door). Completely inconsiderate. I know that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but it’s things like this that happen on a DAILY basis!

We went to counseling about a year and a half ago but he refused to keep going saying, “I don’t need help and it’s a waste of money.” I have tried things like re-creating our first date to bring back the spark… I try texting him little love notes… I make meals he enjoys… I make sure his work clothes are always clean… I make sure his daughter has everything she needs and help her with school (he wouldn’t even know what her schedule was if it weren’t for me).

I’m to the point where I almost don’t care anymore… He just came in here, can tell I’m upset, and says, “So are you gonna make dinner or what?” I told him I wasn’t hungry and he could find something to eat, he slammed the door, and that was that…

I don’t know what to do….

steph78

My history consisted of a situation somewhat like yours (little less drama)
You pinpointed it from the beginning... met in a whirlwind, ect ect
When people are experiencing trama, drama, troubles.... they need a support system and that is what you gave him, that's not a bad thing necessarily, however, you had no history with this man prior to all of this. There was no foundation to base your relationship on execpt the need to be helped and the need to help. You have tried re-creating past events that in no way could have brought back wonderful memories because of everything else going on at that time. You down to the basics of a relationship now without the foundation. The drama is gone and perhaps the both of you made a great team in taking care of the mess of his life.
Word to the wise- Never allow yourself to become involved in a situation that is none of your business, i know that it's hard when you care about someone, but to be blunt it sounds like it didn't concern you and you should have stepped back and said that we will resume this relationship when we can focus on us.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Now you have an idea of how/why his ex is psycho and took the child.

Therapy for you might be a painful wakening but it would be an improvement over current situation.

Mrs_So_Alone

Steph,

You are 100% correct... The whole foundation of our relationship was based on drama and in some sick way that was exciting... Now that the drama is gone (which don't get me wrong, IS a good thing) but now it's like we don't really even know each other... There's no drama, screaming, crying, fighting, and that was the foundation.... So like you said it's a relationship built with no foundation... How well can a house stand with no foundation? It can't.

In some dilusional way I thought getting married would make things better (I sound like such an idiot, I know)... But of course it didn't...

Is this even salvagable?

Scannerguard

While it is only a general rule of thumb, yes. . .I think the remark that made you think whether his ex was a "psycho" gives you pause to stop and reflect what kind of person he really is.

He fought tooth and nail for 50/50 only to farm out parenting to you.

What do you think his motive was? (I'll answer: reduced child support - it certainly doesn't seem to be about increased visitation with his kid(s))

You can try therapy. Give it the obligatory "try" but honestly, I think therapy's success rate is abysmally low. He probably needs a male father-figure or big brother to knock him upside his head more than he needs a "talk therapist."

If therapy fails, you can just chalk it up as a learning experience. Yes, on one hand, I get your penchant to try, and try, for longer than at least 10 months. It makes you feel like you don't value marriage or something. On the other hand, I can applaud someone who can admit they made a mistake and move on instead of keeping trying to invest emotionally into a faulty investment (throw good energy after bad or good money after bad).

I honestly should have done it sooner than keep trying.

It's a hard balance to achieve.

Good luck.

__________________
And maybe I seem a bit confused. . .but maybe, I got you pegged! Ha! Don't know what to do about those tossed salad and scrambled eggs. . .they're posting again. Scannerguard has left the building.

Mrs.G

This is only salvageable if you are committed to getting to know each other, instead of rescuing. Generally, the realities of marriage are too much for a whirlwind courtship. You may want to look at codependency resources. Do you normally choose men that are needy in some way?

Before you married, this was a very dysfunctional situation and for some reason, you did not walk away when you saw all the blood red flags. Your husband was emotionally burnt out from all the problems and needed another woman to quickly comfort him; he married his rebound. Why are you living next to his ex if she causes drama? Why do you need that?

The first year of marriage is hard enough; newlyweds have to manage their expectations and learn to be a happy couple. You also have blended family issues. I feel so sad for you.

Have a serious talk with your husband about the division of labour. Ask what went wrong in his first marriage and also what his hopes are for his second marriage.

Mrs_So_Alone

Thanks for the replies... Yes, I can admit I have co-dependency issues... I did the same thing with my ex... I gave 100% of ME to fix HIM... While none of my needs were being met... I think therapy for MYSELF is indeed the first step...

My husband and his ex were never married... They had a volatile relationship from the beginning, but he stayed because of his daughter... She was abusive (he ended up in the hospital after one instance of her throwing a fish tank at him) and he was abusive in his own ways as well (not physically)... He did have counseling after his split with her because of his anger issues... She is also the one who moved next door to us, not vice versa... As soon as she moved next to us we moved into our house...

I think it's good advice that me and my husband need to actually get to know one another now that there is none of the drama that there used to be... That seems so odd since we've been together for 5 years, but in fact we don't really "know' each other...

I also need to make my expectations CLEAR regarding division of labor and his responsibilities to his daughter...

Mrs.G

How could you not know someone after five years?