I just found this site yesterday and started one thread (stepdaughter tearing us apart) but as I read more posts I wanted more advice.
I have been married for almost 11 years, together for 17. We have a blended family and have had our share of problems; never huge though.
The problem is this:
His daughter (32) has no repsect for me or my kids. She has disrepected them and treated them like garbage.
I had enough about 4 years ago and I have not talked to her since.
My husband has remained in contact with her and they talk occassionally.
Here comes the problem:
I hate it when he talks to her, I am going to throw myself under the bus and say I obsess about what they say and if she is talking bad about me etc.
His entire family has also stopped talking to me and my kids as well. It is a weird situation.
So, when he talks to them, he does not tell me. I guess I undertand why, I get upset. But do I have the right to be upset? I just don't know. I feel like when he does not tell me like "Oh, I talked to Jane the other day, blah blah. " it is a betrayal.
We have talked about this many times and I have made it clear that I feel the need to know (I know that may be wrong). 3 days ago I found out that he has been seeing his daughter and not telling me. I know that sounds wrong of me and I agree as well. But I cannot get around it. I feel lied to. I have asked him if he has talked to her and he has told me no.
Would I have been upset, yes but I would have got over it. I want him to have a relationship with her, just not at my expense. I do not want her talking about me or my kids. He does not like confrontation and has never said to her- look you don't have to like my wife but you do have to respect her. etc... Many of my friends say that is the missing part.
I am on the verge of ending this marriage. I was lied to in the past and won't tolerate it. How can I move on?
I feel I should mention that due to work, he has lived in other parts of the country and we see each other about every 3 months. Not ideal either. We used to be different people. I am lost right now and need adivce.
Sorry if this went on and on but I am in a daze right now.
I feel I should add that in about a week I am moving to where my husband is (our childhood home). I have left my job and found a new one there. This whole thing blew up when his daughter facebooked my daughter about him seeing her without my knowledge. I feel like she did it to start this mess and perhaps to break us apart right before I return to area. I feel that is was on purpose as a way to mess up our lives. Prior to this, I had not heard from her on nearly 2-3 years.
Your H has deceived you and lied to you. Your feelings/emotions associated with that are absolutely normal. And I’d say your gut feeling about his daughter stirring the sh!te before your move is absolutely spot on.
Thing is what are you going to do about it all? Can you stay with an H who lies to you and deceives you? Can you stay in a marriage where being truthful with you is not valued by your H? I couldn’t and separated from my wife of near 40 years. I’m 62 and I’ve not regretted it once in 18 months.
Your H has deceived you and lied to you. Your feelings/emotions associated with that are absolutely normal. And Iíd say your gut feeling about his daughter stirring the sh!te before your move is absolutely spot on.
Thing is what are you going to do about it all? Can you stay with an H who lies to you and deceives you? Can you stay in a marriage where being truthful with you is not valued by your H? I couldnít and separated from my wife of near 40 years. Iím 62 and Iíve not regretted it once in 18 months.
There's nothing worse than living with lies and deceit. It destroys trust. A marriage without trust can never thrive.
I am feeling that way too. I love him so much but I do not think I can get over it. Now I am in the position of having to drive 1300 miles with or without him. Do I have him come here and help me (the original plan) and have the most awkward weekend of my life or just do it myself. The thought of driving a 16' truck towing a car for 1300 miles is a bit daunting.
Ever thought -- How did I get here? UGH
glad I can still smile,
Well... made the drive home with lots of discussion but no real resolution. I do love him so much but I do not know how or if I want to move on. Now I am finding out all the little details- its amazing how many people start talking to you when they want to gossip about your hardtimes. Any advice on how to move on after lies- how do you stop thinking everything is a lie?
How did I get here? I am meeting with a therapist this week, hopefully that will help in some way.
When someone lies to me I either say straight up that I think what they are saying is a lie (different than labelling them a liar) or that I have my doubts based on what I've observed, or I say, really, I find that difficult to believe, or I say, you are skirting the issue/giving partial answer.
I don't act angry or anything like that.
It is my right to disbelieve especially if there is reason or facts to support the disbelief.
But honestly, you can't do anything when someone lies.
You can base your actions on what you do know to be true.
Focus more on how people treat you in the moment than what they say about the past - or the future. This releases your dependency on truth, in some part.
If you don't lie to yourself, then that is a start.
Many people do.
When they accept self-deception in this area or that area of their life and learn to observe moments of self-deception or even when they have skirted issues or misled others, then it is easier to not become completely unhinged when other people do the same.
There are of course limits to what a person can live with. But again, it is the actions rather than the lying. We can ask for truth, but to expect it and to receive it is something else entirely.
Thanks for your comment homemaker. I am going to my first session today-don't know what to expect.
Alot of things to deal with and I have felt alot better since reading and posting on this site.
One step at a time- AA-stuff works in every aspect of life
He does not like confrontation and has never said to her- look you don't have to like my wife but you do have to respect her. etc... Many of my friends say that is the missing part.
I would agree with your friends. I had a lot of issues with my H and his mom. she would say horrible things about me and he would not stand up for me. I hated him talking to her. But he did stand up to her eventually and now I don't care if he talks to her and I don't feel the need to know what they're saying.
So maybe you should focus on him standing up for you instead of needing to know when he talks to her. It is obvious that he's not comfortable telling you, so technically its not lying. He's a grown man and has decided not to tell you when he talks to his daughter- that's not really lying although I know it feels that way. It's poor communicating between you both. You are very demanding so he's not comfortable telling you that he's going to talk to his daughter and he doesn't want to tell you about it. He has every right to do that and if you continue to push him and make a big fight about it he'll continue to avoid you.
Liars lie. That's their nature. There's no way around it but to accept it and naturally assume that a great deal of what they tell you is a lie or incomplete or vaguely inaccurate or hiding something. This is one reason why I rarely ask my wife for 'factual' information, about anything; about directions somewhere or some trivial information our friends or something she mentioned about current events or about the bills. I will usually get the wrong information ('accidentally' of course!) or the information is partial or partially incorrect or vague or outdated or flat out wrong or I get silence or some defensive squawky meltdown. She doesn't want to tell me. She doesn't want me to know. She doesn't want to talk to me. So I don't ask. If she's saying anything to me it's probably half bull****.