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Am I wrong/bad/deluded/screwed up to want reward and or event sex?

4K views 57 replies 25 participants last post by  Catherine602 
#1 ·
Every red blooded all American man wants a hot wife that is glad to see him, desires him and wants to have frequent intimate connections. I told my wife this and she of course rolls her eyes at me like I am some sort of cave man but I sincerely believe it's true

I worked way too unnecessarily hard for too many years in a business making the mistake of neglecting my wife's emotional needs. My wife was crushed because I took her for granted for many years. (about 8)

When she told me I was losing her unless I changed, I quit it cold turkey. No nights, no weekends, more affection, more attention without being smothery.

We quickly started putting warm friendship back into our relationship and the intimacy started coming back around and keeps improving. I am very happy about that. She was skeptical at first and it took her some getting used to it because it was so not like me in the past. Eventually she came around and was not suspicious of it not lasting.

When something good happens to her, I am very happy for her and my reactions and comments I would think make that very clear to her. I am her biggest fan. When something good happens to me, she might as well yawn in my face so I don't bother telling her.

She had a dream of wanting this house that I was able to purchase, I have set records at work three years in a row, we have no worries financially. I figured she would be super excited about the house and what I had accomplished for us and she would want to romp with me to celebrate. It didn't happen. I was very surprised.

It has been two years since she told me she was losing hope and I stopped messing up working too much and made her the priority and asked frequently how she is doing and what she is wanting. She has done the same somewhat for me. It seems we are both wanting to make things work.

Thing is, she is still mopey and resentful of the past even two years later with all the progress. there are many triggers that I learn about and start avoiding to make things better for her spirit. I am getting tired of it that she cant move forward with our rebuild more rapidly.

I also tell her sex with her inspires me to be even more of what she wants and that it makes it essentially effortless when we are connecting intimately.

When something awesome happens for her or for me or its a celebration day or we are in a hotel or something fun, I want to have connection sex or hanky panky flirty sex or both. Is that too transactional sex wise to "expect" a celebration romp?

She never thinks that way. She isn't frigid. She is just not focused on our hanky panky flirty celebration fun even though she asked me to make her the number one priority and I did.

It seems she wants to be my only priority and I cant do that. There are things to do that need to be taken care of. She can not seem to accept that she is not the ONLY thing in my life that is important to me, us and my daughter's well being and happiness.

When something good happens to either of us or when something bad happens and at least I want comfort of her love and pleasure to lift the clouds off me is it too much like transactional sex for it to be workable and satisfying and not weird or not?

If it is a transactional sex expectation, is that always bad?

Why Why not?

Thanks in advance for your insights, answers, effort and knowledge but I could use some help trying to figure out how to inspire my wife to let go of past hurts and move on to the marriage I hope we both want.
 
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#4 ·
You mentioned that your wife does not see sex as a celebratory activity. So when do she get inspired to want to have sex with you? Does she view sex as an emotionally bonding experience where intimacy is the ultimate goal?
It seems to be out of the blue. It's about once mostly and on occasion twice in an atypical week. I have been unable to put a finger on what gets the motor purring. It's frustrating. your asking me resulted in me asking her by text message. just now because I told her I had no idea. LOL

I did notice years ago when she went tanning that she came back and always wanted to be intimate with me. I figured it was the endorphin from UV ray thing.

On rare occasion but consistently every 6 months or so she attacks me in the morning right after her shower.

She is also more of a nooner fan than an evening gal because she is always tired at night. Up at four and beat by 10. Dates that go past 8 pm result in her wanting to go to bed instead of romp it up and down.

I don't think she experiences emotional bonding. TO her it seems more of a "getting off" physically. She does not seem inspired after like I am. It's weird to me honestly.
 
#2 ·
Couples counseling. She needs to see your point of view also, and the love and affection should be reciprocal. You both need to know what the parameters of the relationships are, what each of your boundaries are.

She has to be practical as well, and if you tried the communication route, as in telling her your feelings without holding back, but try to in an nonaccusatory way. People will tend to listen if they do not feel attacked. Some things to help communicate is holding her hands and looking into her eyes are some helpful tools to use. And if that fails, couples counseling as suggested.

Plus, she may be hiding her emotions from you as well. I think she has insecurities that she has not opened to you about.
 
#7 ·
she may be hiding her emotions from you as well. I think she has insecurities that she has not opened to you about.
What do you suggest about that one.

That's a covert contract on your part. Wanting sex in exchanging for your actions is not going to work out very well. It's like purchasing sex. I'll bet that's how your wife sees it when you bring up the topic.

There is nothing wrong with your point of view that sex is a great way to celebrate.

There is nothing wrong with your wife's point of view either.

There is something about convert contracts that usually leads to disappointment.

You two need to be in counseling so that you gain an understanding of each other.

I also suggest that you both read and do the work in the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters".
Red that first book. Seems pretty straight-forward to me if not obvious to me. In other works it makes sense to me with no argument.

I do not know what a covert contract is exactly but it just seems normal if we won the lottery or something that we would romp in celebration. If I dog died we would romp for comfort.

With her there is a total disconnect with events, celebrations, special days. Isn't that odd? Our anniversary, her birthday, my birthday, Valentines, NOTHIN' WTH?

That can't be normal. Then out of the blue, she wants some. LOL. Odd as a round pocket square no?

Counseling is pricy and has a bad track record doesn't it? We can't self help thru this? We are both smart and studious?

Not trying to be difficult with suggestion. Just practical. Appreciate the suggestions either way.
 
#3 ·
The bit that you tell about the new house you bought.

That's a covert contract on your part. You figured that buying the house would get you sex to celebrate. Covert contracts usually backfire.

Wanting sex in exchanging for your actions is not going to work out very well. It's like purchasing sex. I'll bet that's how your wife sees it when you bring up the topic.

There is nothing wrong with your point of view that sex is a great way to celebrate.

There is nothing wrong with your wife's point of view either.

There is something about convert contracts that usually leads to disappointment.

You two need to be in counseling so that you gain an understanding of each other.

I also suggest that you both read and do the work in the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters".
 
#9 ·
You have to do youyr homework with marriage counselors. Each one has their strengths and weaknesses and it pays to try out more than just one or two.
Oftentimes a counselor can reccomend a suitable peer after a session with both of you.

Counsel has a bad rep because of the complications it brings. When you do marriage counseling, you are actually treating three entities. You, her and "us".

If you loose sight of that, then your patients go away unsatisfied or even frustrated or mad.
 
#10 ·
I don't understand the celebratory sex. I would venture a guess your W does not either. For me, Valentines day, anniversary, etc would be celebratory sex. Purchasing a home my W wanted, not so much.
 
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#12 ·
This makes sense to me on an intellectual level but I do struggle with the feeling part with my triggers being foreign to her and vice versa. I will have to google the chit of it to get deeply into why she doesn't feel playful on good events and comforting on sorrow. It is so not me. :scratchhead:

I am eternally grateful for the starting place for my comprehension endeavor. Another friggen mystery to solve that is my wife. Eeek!
 
#14 · (Edited)
My wife is very similar to yours. Seems more in the mood when she is on a diet, has gotten her hair done, yes tanning too. I think she feels more attactive in these situations. I'm like you, I think, where none of those things matter to me (obviously those are good things- but I'm not picky as to the when and where's of sex)

I also would like -- though I don't expect it -- sex after an accomplishment. I travel a lot for work. It would be nice to get my bones jumped when I get home after being gone 3-4 days. Rarely happens. I recently got a new job where I increased my salary substantially- took her to dinner, flowers. But she was "too tired" that night. Was disappointing. Like your wife, she doesn't equate sex as a reward kind of thing.
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#16 ·
Reading through your post I see you are close to my age.
Do you compliment your wife? Tell her she's pretty? Do you ever thank her for the things she does on a daily basis?
Don't expect her to want sex because of things you by or celebrate. Do things that will make her WANT to have sex with you. I've done things like pack her a lunch when I make mine. Every now and then I'll slip a little note in with it just to let her know I love her and think about her. More often than not, it's the little thoughtful things that will that will get her fired up. She wants to know you are thinking of her. Thing that you may think are silly, may just be the things she wants. Here's an example. I walk my dog a mile and a half every evening after dinner. I always ask my wife if she's coming with me. One day she said she didn't think she wanted to go because she felt we had nothing to really chat about. I said it doesn't matter, I just enjoy your company. She changed her mind and came along. Wouldn't you know it. We actually had a great conversation and it felt great when she let go of my hand part way through and hooked onto my arm instead. Later that night she was initiating quite intensely.
You have to stimulate her mind to get her to want to "jump your bones". It's usually the littlest loving gesture that gets the best results. Just do it because you love her, not because you expect sex. I've gone to where my wife parks her truck when she's at work just to change a lightbulb for her. I also left a flirty note taped to her steering wheel. Did I expect sex? No. Did I get sex? No. It didn't matter to me.
My wife gets up at 5:00am for work. Sometimes I'll initiate at 10:45 at night, if I get a green light she might not get to sleep until 2:00am. She will sacrifice her night of sleep because she wants to have sex, not because she feels she owes it to me.
I'm sure if I'm wrong about these things, the ladies on here will no doubt set me straight.
 
#18 ·
Here's how I read your post.

You take blame for all problems that occurred in your marriage. Since you created all the problems you now have to meet her needs in their entirety while she does not have to bother meeting your needs.

Men are fixers. The define the problem and then go about fixing what they can control. You cleaned up your side of the street. Now it's time to lead your wife into cleaning up her side of the street.
 
#21 ·
It seems rather common for the person who's needs aren't being met to be the person who needs to do the changing. In this case it sounds like you've done a lot of changing but still are on the hook to change some more. Lucy pulling the football starts to creep into my head. Something tells me that when/if you bring these issues up for discussion that you're the bad guy and need to keep chasing the goal. Time for a MC so she can here it from someone else. My sense is that she'll resist.

As for the Dream Home Romp.... I don't understand not understanding that. Its a big life event (like many) that you want to enjoy that basic connection stuff as part of a celebration. Her not being able to connect sounds like something you BOTH need to work on.
 
#22 ·
I don't see sex as transactional. It may SEEM that way in certain circumstances.

Personally I don't think "ooh sex" or get that physical urge just because a house is purchased, I am on vacation or as a salve in times of sorry. Especially in sorrow the last thing on my mind is sex.

I want sex when I feel close. Buying a dream house doesn't necessary make me feel close. It is just a check box on the list of life accomplishments. Now an anniversary or Valentines' day might make me feel obligated to go through the motions so that would be celebration sex. But the best sex is sex that just happens because two people happen to feel very close. Sometimes a vacation where there are no outside distractions and more quality time can lead to that feeling, but it's not the action of being on vacation or my SO spending money on paying for a vacation.

For instance, my ex was a lot like that - he expected sex always, but especially on vacation - thought vacation was a waste if it didn't happen. (Covert contract, anyone?) Same with a house purchase - wanted to do it in every room whereas I'm thinking about packing, moving, where the furniture will go and all of the hard work, which is NOT particularly romantic or conducive to sex.

However, if I recognized there was an attempt to please me WITHOUT and ulterior motive (covert contract) I might be more inclined to push aside the distractions and intentionally try to get in the mood.

The OP seems to think if he does this, she'll respond with that. People don't work that way. A dog will shake when offered a treat. That doesn't mean the dog WANTS to shake. Just that he'll do it without prodding for the right reward. It's my understanding the OP wants her to WANT to do it. That isn't going to come from an award. That will have to come out of a feeling of closeness.
 
#24 ·
is it fair to say.....based on your post...if you slim it down what it really means...is sex "simply boils down to a womans mood"

that's what i got out of what you wrote.....and what a selfish way to think.

as a male in a relationship... I think i will start using that. "you know, I am not in the mood for doing chores, even though you would like to see the lawn mowed"......or "I am not going to do thoughtful things for you.....not in the mood...you should understand that, right"?
 
#23 ·
Dude you need to go buy this book ASAP. It's called the Married Man's Sex Life Primer.

Buy it, read it, study it, learn it, do it 100% and I guarantee your problems will be solved.

You need to learn how to make her tea kettle warm. She is probably not as attracted to you as before and probably bored. You need to spark her attraction by putting your needs first in a firm, dominant way.
 
#27 · (Edited)
Thank you Enjoli and also x598,
I brought this up with Mrs Nail and she had some different ideas. I agreed with what x598 posted and expressed a similar sentiment. "why is it that your mood is the only important consideration in whether to have sex?" Is it the assumption that all men are always ready to go at a minutes warning. Mrs Nail agreed that that was somewhat one sided. She also agreed that there was room for some transnational sex in our relationship.
Enjoli I see what you are saying about celebration sex. My wife is big into holidays. I'm more likely to share sex on a holiday if everything else works and if she is not too tired. In other words morning sex is the way to go. I think the best part of your post was explaining that what triggers a sexual response in one person will not be the thing that triggers the same response in another.

About Transactions, There has always been transactional sex in my marriage. I know that if I want sex all I have to do is invest 30 -60 minutes in back and shoulder (sometimes legs and feet) massage. She would tell you that there is no transaction, that relaxing and touching puts her in the mood. She is right from her point of view. To say that I am doing it just to be nice with no ulterior motive would frequently (90% +) be false. In other words very little happens without ulterior (lets face it "sexual") motive. Yes I want to please my wife, I want her to be happy and relaxed, because the probability of sex increases with these emotions.

About new house, Mrs. Nail was surprised that Mrs Needle didn't want to christen the new home. Enjoli, my memory is that that event took place some time after the unpacking.

Gifts, Just my situation for instruction or humor. As I said My Wife is big on holidays. So if it is a gift Holiday then I better have a gift. The mothers day Present arrived in Monday mornings mail. Mrs Nail asked if she could open it now. I said yes if you must but I will have to go out and buy another gift for her to open on Sunday. She is waiting and enjoying looking at the wrapping.
MN
 
#33 ·
About new house, Mrs. Nail was surprised that Mrs Needle didn't want to christen the new home
I understand OP. I like event sex, celebratory sex, cheer up sex, even angry sex if it happens (it's been forever on that one tho). I liken it more to "celebrating life" sex!
Event sex is fantastic
See what I mean. And what are the romantic thoughts inside these heads that cause them to feel close to their lover and then want to have sex? Is it, "damn we have so much to unpack" or "let's get naked and romp?"

Is it anything like the thoughts in my head in my response to Enjoli or no?
 
#28 ·
X you are missing the point, Sex can be an act of giving. But Enjoli and many other people here both male and female, believe that sex should be Sharing. I like Sharing sex. The trouble I have is I like gifted sex too. I like won sex. I like reward sex. Heck I like punishment sex.
(there may be a pattern here)
MN
 
#30 ·
I understand OP. I like event sex, celebratory sex, cheer up sex, even angry sex if it happens (it's been forever on that one tho). I liken it more to "celebrating life" sex.

If we're happy, let's have sex... happy sex!

If one or both of us are sad... let's have sex, and make that emotional connection.

And ya, there is still room for good ol' fashioned "I want to jump your bones" sex and sweet, slow, making love sex.

So there is nothing wrong with wanting all that sex. But I don't think I know the answer to OP's problem of how to understand wife, or get her to understand him. I also don't really see it as transactional.... more like let's SHARE sex because this is a good thing (or a sad thing, or a horny thing.... whatever).

I THINK this is one of those things that you agree to disagree on. You just have different views and no one is wrong. If you have enough sex in the meantime, you may have to let go of the celebratory aspect just because she doesn't even see it. It's not on her radar.

If you don't have enough sex in the meantime.... THAT is where your focus should be. MAYBE if you work on wooing her, and giving her sex when it matters to her..... I would hope that eventually she would reciprocate....and do it just because it matters to you.

I hope this makes sense!
 
#31 ·
Event sex is fantastic. Usually it is best to not have it at the event though.

So here is a side note: I met my current partner exactly 2 years to the day that I ended my first marriage, when we have sex on our Anniversary we are also having sex on the anniversary of my marriage ending. Lucky me, I get two celebrate to major life events on the same day.
 
#36 ·
I sincerely hope this thread does not die because I believe we have uncovered something here that is of monumental usefulness.

Here is a story about Joe's crab shack.

I LOVE cracking crab legs. My wife hates it. My daughter hates it. My daughter's friend also loves it.

I am sitting there romancing in my mind about being shipwrecked on a deserted island having to catch my own meals, make fire from flint, prepare a bowl from coconut shells and crack open whatever food I can find. Ahhh the romance of my daydreams cracking open my catch of the day. My daughter's friend. Same deal.

MY wife and daughter bitohing the whole time how it isn't worth it. I grabbed their crab legs, busted them open and handed bag a mound of crab meat which they enjoyed along with the chivalry of my assistance.

Romantic day dream continues as man tending the needs of a damsel in distress cracking open her crab legs to relieve her of sore, tired fingers while addressing her hunger as a man should do under such trying circumstances.

BitoH bitoH bitoh.

Did I feel closer to her. Yes. Did she feel closer to me. Nope.

See the difference?

I like my way better even if some people think I'm nuts. I think they are missing out and that sucks for everyone involved.

Did I want to ne intimate later? Yes. Did she? No. Is that transactional because I PAID for dinner? No. Is that what the other type thinks? Yup. Are they DEAD WRONG? Yup.

Does that suck? Yup. Is it cynical and misguided and unfortunate? Yup.

Can you penetrate their skull with romance and happiness? FuoK NO!
 
#38 ·
It's fascinating really. There's a thread going in the SIM section right now where a woman is giving her husband reward sex and getting beaten up for it pretty harshly. Most of the posters, largely men, seem to feel she's prostituting herself and manipulating her husband.

The disparity in replies between that thread and this one is curious to me.

:scratchhead:
 
#42 ·
The OP used the terms "reward" and "event" in the title but reading the thread has me feeling that "reward" doesn't apply and "event" does. Achieving the event isn't to be rewarded but is to be celebrated as a relationship milestone. It's not a quid pro quo. It's not manipulative (her part) or submissive (his part). The house was her "dream" and they both did they're parts to achieve it. He thinks "Yay us!" and she thinks "yeah whatever.." There's a major disconnect there. He tells us that he's done the work to be more available and attentive. Yet, she doesn't seem to want to give him credit for anything, much less praise and encouragement.
 
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#40 ·
I get why those not-covert-contracts are more romantic in your mind. It is how H and I live. Every day there are moments of "I just love this life....we got it good" from both or either of us.

We are regular people, with regular lives.... going to work, playing online, Date Nite, travel when we can, lots of family events with grown kids and grand kids... And all of that, we feel, are reasons to celebrate.

When the little kids drive us crazy, we just get a good hug and appreciate the alone time we get when they leave.

When the grown kids have problems, we help them and then come together with support.... which keeps us close.

When everyone is here, and it's all loud and boisterous, we smile and hug....aren't we lucky we think.... this is the life.


We smile alot, we love what we have, we love how this life is going..... and it brings us close. Its an attitude. Its sharing and caring and being thankful.... and it brings us close.

And whenever we are close..... well, there's going to be SEX!
 
#41 · (Edited)
Personally, I dislike transactional sex, because I think it disrespects your partner. If you buy your wife lots of presents or do lots of work for her in the expectation of sex, it's basically like treating her as a prostitute who gets paid in gifts or chores instead of cash.

Sex should be something two people do together because they want to, not because they feel obliged to.

It sounds to me like your wife is one of those women who need to feel arousal first before they feel desire. She's at her horniest after tanning, or after a shower, so I would imagine that when she's naked, that gets her started thinking about her body, and doing pleasurable things with it. She's aroused from that, so then she desires you.

But buying a dream home is not foreplay.

Having a special event to celebrate, even an anniversary, is not foreplay.

You doing the dishes and buying her presents is not foreplay.

Cracking her crab legs is not foreplay.

If you really like the idea of reward or event sex, to get her on board, you have to work some foreplay into it.
 
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