Can't have kids and depressed
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Like Tree5Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 06-05-2011, 02:48 PM   #1 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Georgia
Posts: 16
Unhappy Can't have kids and depressed

I've known for many years that I couldn't have children. It's actually very rare but for some reason when I was 13 or 14 my ovaries started failing and a lot of my eggs died. And they did blood work and my estrogen and pro-estrogen levels were very low. It only happens to like 2% of the population according to the doctor I went to. Well, he went ahead and put me on birth control anyways just for the extra hormones and so I would have a regular period. Well, I have to be on birth control now for the rest of my life, obviously not because of the chance of getting pregnant because by now all my eggs are dead. Sorry if this is too much information...but I've always wanted to experience motherhood, I love babies and I when I was little I used to daydream about what it was like when I grew up and had children of my own..I still do sometimes.
I'm married and lucky for me, my husband dosn't want kids. So, I kinda just let it go because he dosn't want any, but I still do deep inside. It makes me angry that I can't have kids, jealous when I see pregnant women, or women that just had babies. It makes me wonder what did I do wrong? Why can't I be happy like they are? What if me and my husband get divorced and I'm old and all alone? Who will take care of me? I want to have a baby so bad...even if I could have kids right now isn't the best time financially for us. We just started our own business and we're in debt to our a** until this thing takes off. But I still am depressed about never being able to get pregnant or have children almost every day of my life, sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night. I see things on the news about children being abused, or their parents just not giving a shi* about them. As I type this there's probably some child locked in a closet starving to death. But I would be a good mother...and it's not fair that I can't have a baby.
I would even adopt if we could afford it. Or maybe have a serrogate mother, only they couldn't use my eggs because I have none left but I guess some other woman's egg and my husband's sperm? Do they have egg banks like men donate sperm? I guess I just have more questions than anything. Thank you for reading..sorry it's so long. Just depressed about facing the facts of my life.
lala is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 06-05-2011, 04:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
Member
 
Runs like Dog's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Redneckistan
Posts: 7,783
Default Re: Can't have kids and depressed

How long have you grieved your loss? You need to touch it, hold it up and ultimately throw it away. Ever see anyone about this? A grief counselor?
Runs like Dog is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-13-2011, 01:57 PM   #3 (permalink)
Resident Therapist
 
Riverside MFT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Riverside, CA
Posts: 498
Default Re: Can't have kids and depressed

Lala, your natural mother instincts are kicking in and there is nothing you can do about it. These instincts are normal an most women experience them (even from an early age). Usually, when a women gets pregnant, these needs are met. She feels like she is finally fulfilling her role as a woman. Unfortuneately, you do not get to have that experience. Though it is something I will never truly understand, I am incredibly sorry for your loss. It is sad that often the people who would be great, dedicated, and loving parents are unable to have children of their own. And those who don't want children or who are dead-beats have 10 different children with 10 different partners. It just doesn't seem fair. I once heard a quote tht said, "Motherhood is more than bearing children...It is the essence of who we are as women."

Motherhood is about loving, leading, teaching, and serving.

Do you have any nieces or nephews?
Do you know of other children who are in need of a mother's guidance (neighbors, church group, etc.)?
Volunteering at a school or library could initially be heart wrenching, but with time could be very valuable as you would be able to apply those natural mothering instincts. As mentioned, grief counseling could also be benfecial. Again, Lala, I am very sorry for your loss.
__________________
Brian, Marriage Counselor
My Counseling Webpage (for California and Utah Residents)
Improve My Marriage Blog
Riverside MFT is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 06-14-2011, 08:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 853
Default Re: Can't have kids and depressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Riverside MFT View Post
Lala, your natural mother instincts are kicking in and there is nothing you can do about it. These instincts are normal an most women experience them (even from an early age). Usually, when a women gets pregnant, these needs are met. She feels like she is finally fulfilling her role as a woman. Unfortuneately, you do not get to have that experience. Though it is something I will never truly understand, I am incredibly sorry for your loss. It is sad that often the people who would be great, dedicated, and loving parents are unable to have children of their own. And those who don't want children or who are dead-beats have 10 different children with 10 different partners. It just doesn't seem fair. I once heard a quote tht said, "Motherhood is more than bearing children...It is the essence of who we are as women."

As a woman who does not wish to have children, I hope that not having kids means I am not fullfilling a womanly role. Of course, most people believe that a woman is not "whole" unless she has children.

My best friend is pregnant right now and as I watch what she is going through, I am pleased that I will never have to experience such discomfort for nearly a year. She is not looking forward to giving birth and I can't say I blame her; who would be excited about tortuous pain?? I won't even go into how hard it is to parent a screaming newborn and the negative effect children can have on the couple's romantic relationship.


My heart goes out to Lala and any other infertile woman who yearns to be a mother. It must be so sad.

Motherhood is about loving, leading, teaching, and serving.

Do you have any nieces or nephews?
Do you know of other children who are in need of a mother's guidance (neighbors, church group, etc.)?
Volunteering at a school or library could initially be heart wrenching, but with time could be very valuable as you would be able to apply those natural mothering instincts. As mentioned, grief counseling could also be benfecial. Again, Lala, I am very sorry for your loss.
I like the advice about applying motherly instincts somewhere else. I use mine on my nieces, pets and pregnant friends who need extra care during that time. When I am with my best friend, I fetch things for her because she can barely get up at times. I indulge her extreme appetite and gladly cook whatever she is craving.
Mrs.G is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-15-2011, 08:48 AM   #5 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 5
Default Re: Can't have kids and depressed

Lala I feel such pain when reading your words, and am so sorry that you've had to go through this.

I know nothing can really ever take that pain away but one can try with words of support.

I understand when you say you want to experience mother hood, how you get jealous around pregnant women or women who have had babies. Do not feel guilty for feeling this way. Try to remember that jealousy isn't so much that you aren't happy for them, rather it's a painful realization every time of what you're unable to have. It's not selfish it's human nature, I feel the same way and have found healing in reminding myself every time I feel pain why it is I'm in pain over hearing another announcement of near and dear friends being pregnant. It allows me to separate my happiness for them over my sorrow for my husband and I.

I feel as though a support group of some kind would really help you. I know of a forum that is called Hysterectomy Support Discussions, Before Hysterectomy, After Hysterectomy, Recovery - HysterSisters . It is for women who can't have kids. I've read some posts from there and all of the women are so supportive. It helps to know your not alone. Read about others stories and pick up what helped them move on from the pain.

I have no advice other then to seek support in forms of not only a forum but perhaps even your husband. While he doesn't want kids you should be able to be open with him. My husband is always there for me and I feel so much better knowing I can cry or vent to him without feeling bad for my feelings. Keeping it inside I feel may make it worse. You need comfort and support the best person for that should be your husband.

My heart goes out to you, I wish you all the best.
striving4better is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-01-2011, 05:35 AM   #6 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 14
Default Re: Can't have kids and depressed

Have you ever given thought to fostering? There are children out there who need and want parents but no one wants them because they aren't babies. I am in all honesty not trying to be rude, but I know several women who for one reason or another are unable to get pregnant and not one of them has ever given any thought to fostering children - because they aren't babies.
I just don't understand it.
Softly Walking is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 08-01-2011, 04:37 PM   #7 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 132
Default Re: Can't have kids and depressed

HI Lala,

This is a very deep post and hits close to heart. Since puberty, I've had abdominal pain and it has gotten worse over the years. this year it was discovered on my right side that i have ovarian cysts that keep rupturing. when i first heard about that i did cry, too. this meant that eventually, it could lead to other things and not being able to have babies, and even taking out my right ovary if things get any worse. the pain on my left side finally stopped, wasn't major anyhow. but i, too, was put on birth control/hormonal treatment in order for there to be a balance.

also, i dont know if you're religious, but your case does remind me of sarah. the woman who could not have babies, asked her husband to have a surrogate (in those days sex w. the slave maiden-his sperm, her eggs), then the wife grew jealous, and God made her weight longer. She finally had a baby of her own after some time. Sometimes, you just never know.
oceanbreeze is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-05-2011, 10:47 PM   #8 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 87
Default Re: Can't have kids and depressed

If you could bring children you were not disappointed that the choice not yours?
the gifted is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 09-06-2011, 03:24 PM   #9 (permalink)
Member
 
southern wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: The Wine Cellar
Posts: 10,121
Default Re: Can't have kids and depressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by lala View Post
I've known for many years that I couldn't have children. It's actually very rare but for some reason when I was 13 or 14 my ovaries started failing and a lot of my eggs died. And they did blood work and my estrogen and pro-estrogen levels were very low. It only happens to like 2% of the population according to the doctor I went to. Well, he went ahead and put me on birth control anyways just for the extra hormones and so I would have a regular period. Well, I have to be on birth control now for the rest of my life, obviously not because of the chance of getting pregnant because by now all my eggs are dead. Sorry if this is too much information...but I've always wanted to experience motherhood, I love babies and I when I was little I used to daydream about what it was like when I grew up and had children of my own..I still do sometimes.
I'm married and lucky for me, my husband dosn't want kids. So, I kinda just let it go because he dosn't want any, but I still do deep inside. It makes me angry that I can't have kids, jealous when I see pregnant women, or women that just had babies. It makes me wonder what did I do wrong? Why can't I be happy like they are? What if me and my husband get divorced and I'm old and all alone? Who will take care of me? I want to have a baby so bad...even if I could have kids right now isn't the best time financially for us. We just started our own business and we're in debt to our a** until this thing takes off. But I still am depressed about never being able to get pregnant or have children almost every day of my life, sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night. I see things on the news about children being abused, or their parents just not giving a shi* about them. As I type this there's probably some child locked in a closet starving to death. But I would be a good mother...and it's not fair that I can't have a baby.
I would even adopt if we could afford it. Or maybe have a serrogate mother, only they couldn't use my eggs because I have none left but I guess some other woman's egg and my husband's sperm? Do they have egg banks like men donate sperm? I guess I just have more questions than anything. Thank you for reading..sorry it's so long. Just depressed about facing the facts of my life.
Have you considered adoption or a surrogate? There are ways to have a baby!
southern wife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-15-2012, 12:47 AM   #10 (permalink)
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 1
Default Re: Can't have kids and depressed

this is in response to Runs Like A Dog's answer. I know that you meant well and no harm with what you said but.... As a woman who also found out at a very young age they she too would never be able to conceive her own children; i find your throw it awaycomment hurtful and pretty much something that is impossible.
jgash is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-15-2012, 01:26 AM   #11 (permalink)
Member
 
Lydia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 227
Default Re: Can't have kids and depressed

Have you seen a doctor who specializes in infertility? Not so that you could be pregnant... but perhaps they could go over all options for you.

You could also look up the rules for surrogacy in your state. You never know.

And adoption is always an option further down the road when your H and you become more financially stable.
Lydia is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 01-15-2012, 04:18 AM   #12 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 906
Default Re: Can't have kids and depressed

the woman who could not have babies, asked her husband to have a surrogate (in those days sex w. the slave maiden-his sperm, her eggs), then the wife grew jealous, and God made her weight longer. She finally had a baby of her own after some time. Sometimes, you just never know.
Cant believe it was SARAHs eggs!
Dont think they could do it then.
accept is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-14-2012, 11:04 PM   #13 (permalink)
Registered User
 
TMCK's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Grand Canyon State
Posts: 9
Default Re: Can't have kids and depressed

I was contemplating having kids in the first 10 years of our marriage, my husband has never wanted or not wanted children. We went through two IVF treatments (at my request) after a few ‘natural’ miscarriages. Both IVF treatments resulted in pregnancies of twins, which both ended up with miscarriages. After the IVF we had two more ‘natural’ miscarriages. When I say ‘natural’ that only means a pregnancy without any sort of medical help. We are now in year 12 and am happy with each other and our lives together. This has been a decade of learning.
TMCK is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-15-2012, 04:19 AM   #14 (permalink)
Member
 
Kylie84's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 187
Default Re: Can't have kids and depressed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Softly Walking View Post
Have you ever given thought to fostering? There are children out there who need and want parents but no one wants them because they aren't babies. I am in all honesty not trying to be rude, but I know several women who for one reason or another are unable to get pregnant and not one of them has ever given any thought to fostering children - because they aren't babies.
I just don't understand it.
Softly Walking- almost all woman want to nuture children at some point in their lives, and while fostering is a brilliant way to help that need as well as helping that foster child this runs deeper. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was 19, and at that stage I wasn't thinking about having kids. Now I am 27 and my husband and I so badly want children of our own. If we can't, we haven't decided if we will adopt etc. But for me its the yearning of having the life growing inside me, to be excited for being pregnant and creating life with the person I love most in the world. It is more than just raising a child
Kylie84 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 07-15-2012, 04:33 AM   #15 (permalink)
Member
 
Thewife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Garden City
Posts: 388
Default Re: Can't have kids and depressed

Hi lala, you said you have no eggs, how about your uterus? is it fine? if you really want you can go for embryo donotion bank and get embryos and transfer, in this way you can get pregnant, give birth and experience motherhood the way you dreamt as a little girl. If you know of friends or family who are willing to help you would be great to get embryos. Hope this is possible. I know of someone who did something like this and now has a beautiful girl.
__________________
"A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love."
Thewife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife Refers to kids has her kids rajantonyv The Family & Parenting Forums 10 06-19-2012 10:29 AM
Should your kids witness your spouse's BF & kids so soon? Houstondad Coping with Infidelity 36 06-18-2012 05:37 PM
Cheated On, 4 kids, Feeling Trapped, Depressed. VictimOfCheating Considering Divorce or Separation 7 04-16-2012 08:43 AM
Parents with kids do you slap your kids? Tourchwood General Relationship Discussion 82 06-02-2011 08:08 PM
husband favors his kids over mine (his step kids) swimmer70 General Relationship Discussion 3 06-02-2011 12:04 PM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:56 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.