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husband in love with widowed wife of best friend

6K views 61 replies 36 participants last post by  nirvana 
#1 ·
Looking for advice on what to do!

My husband of 10 years seems to be going through a midlife crisis. His best friend died 4 months ago and he is now in love with his wife, whom he has know for 20 years. He announced to me a few days ago that he is in love with her and wants to leave his job, leave our marriage and move away to live with her.
We have a 7 year old daughter together and have had a rocky marriage from time to time but a fabulous sex life, even now.
His plan is to give 2 months notice on his job, stay here with us during that time and then move away to start his new life and return every other week to spend a few days with his daughter, who is the most important thing in his life.
Both of us are super conscious of hurting our daughter as little as possible during this time and making the transition of marriage breakup as smooth as possible.
He has offered to look after us financially as much as he can, bearing in mind he will be unemployed, and that I remain in our apartment with our daughter for now.
I have listened to everything he said to me but feeling very numb and heartbroken. He is cold towards me (except when we have sex when he is loving, affectionate and considerate), generally uncommunicative and drinking more heavily than usual.
A part of me wants him to leave now rather than in 2 months, but I understand his reasons for trying to make it as easy as we can for our daughter by going gradually.
I feel that his constant presence will not allow me space to get over this but I also feel that maybe he is having his cake and eating it too by staying in our marital home and conveniently moving in with his new love as soon as his job finishes. What is the right thing to do??
Any advice would be much appreciated, thank you.
 
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#2 ·
and return every other week to spend a few days with his daughter, who is the most important thing in his life.
Obviously not. His fantasy woman is the most important thing in his life.
 
#3 ·
Good god woman first you need to stop having sex with the man! Honestly, how do you get past the fact that he doesn't love you, loves and plans to be with someone else, in order to have sex with him? I do not understand that.

You're right, kick his ass out now. Don't wait unti, he quits his job. Go to a lawyer and begging to file so you get spousal support beginning now!

If you go hard line on him he will likely get very angry to begin with, but as the cold face of reality sets in, if there is any chance at all for him to wake up, you need him to hit rock bottom Hard and fast!
 
#7 ·
What a terrible story, I am so sorry you are going through this. So much pain and emotion all around. Some thoughts:

He's grieving for the loss of his friend. He (and the widow) are likely confusing sympathy/empathy for love. Especially since they've been friends for so long. Chances are very high that *she won't want him* when her own grieving is over.

Tell him this. Be kind, but firm. Tell him you love him and your family and to think hard before destroying what you have built together. Tell him not to make irrevocable decisions when he is grieving (be very clear, however, that if he leaves, he will *never* come back).

Suggest he get counselling for 3 months before making a decision. Don't sleep with him during this time -- he needs to understand exactly what he is giving up. Do the 180. Take care of your self. Good luck.
 
#13 ·
Omg what a jacka rse! No no no, you stop having sex with him and kick his butt to the kerb today!!

The reason he wants to move out in 2 months is because he has nowhere to go at the moment. TOO BAD, SO SAD. Get out now you jerk!

Get all your ducks in a row. See an attorney now and file for support while he's still working. You have to protect yourself and your daughter.

Is the widow on board with him or is she completely in the dark?
 
#14 · (Edited)
His buddy must be rolling over in his grave. How long did these two bide their time?

I don't understand why he needs to quit his job? How far away is he moving?

See an attorney ASAP. Make sure he is set up to pay child support and alimony.

And his daughter is the most important thing in his life? Did you really write that? Honey, she's not even in his top 10. Marriages don't work out for many reasons but he's making a conscious choice to leave her and move away. Still see her every few weeks? Father of the fu-kin year.

And Jesus stop giving him sex.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#15 ·
Not much to add as virtually every post is pretty solid.

His betrayal is poison. He needs to learn there are repercussions to his actions. I mean, what kind of a bastard waits for his best friend to die before moving in on his wife?

He has made a decision to abandon his wife and his children. He needs to go- now. There is no grace for this type of behavior.

And, yes, I'd publicize his against the both of them.

Lastly, my first (on my second and final marriage) wife ran off with Mr. Wonderlust. The rich man of her dreams. lasted all of 3 weeks. When he wants to return, just hang up on him.
 
#17 ·
I'm so sorry for your pain. You need to see a divorce attorney to protect your legal rights. You need to detach from him and not have sex. You need to see a psychologist asap to set your mind straight. You need to build your self-esteem so that you can move on from this horrible predicament.
 
#18 ·
Did the buddy and his wife live a long distance away from you?

Or has the widow moved away since her husband died?

I'm wondering if the affair predates his friends death.

Is this widow willing to support your husband financially? Why?

I agree with every one else. Stop having sex with your husband. Go see a lawyer this week and file for divorce. that will freeze the amount of child support he has to pay. I could also freeze spousal support if you will get any.

Do you have a job?

Do not think for a minute that he's going to support you and his daughter once he has moved out. Men very often say this when they are leaving for an affair partner. It makes them feel better about themself. But when push comes to shove.. you are out of sight, out of mind. And of course he and the other woman will need all the money he has.

See she is going to get pi$$ed when she realized that she has to support him. She will get even more pi$$ed if she supports him and then he sends you money.

Another reason to file for divorce ASAP is that right now he can move out of state with your child. He's a parent and have equal rights. So he can do that. Few states would bother to try to get her back.

If you file for divorce NOW, you can ask the attorney to put a stipulation in the divorce that he cannot take her out of state without your written permission, a court order, etc.

He is doing what he thinks is boing nice to you because he needs you to play nice until he leaves. Now what he is doing is not really nice, he's just so lost in the fog that he thinks he's being a good guy by telling you this, being honest, and promising to support you. He figures that promising to support you will keep you from filing for divorce. Sex is for two reasons.. 1) play mind games with you to give you hope.. so you will not rock the boat and file for divorce right now. 2) what the heck, you are that, why not use you for sex.

Who all knows about this affair? Do friends of his buddy? The buddies family? Does the buddy have kids? If so do they know? What about his family, her family and your family?
 
#20 ·
Really sorry to have you here clementineboian!

Was his friend ill over some time leading to his death ?

I believe that there is not necessarily any love for your stbxh from the POSOW. She is just replacing her now dead source of income/stability/companionship with him - i.e. having a ready made replacement at the cost of you and your daughter.

If she saw her husband's death as being inevitable, she might have started this up some time ago.

Your husband sounds like a spineless, characterless scumb@g too!

Definitely, stop sleeping with him and make his cheating and abandoning of his family as painful for them both as possible. And I agree with what has been said - his most important area of focus is just below his belly button and the second most important is the POSOW!

Expose far and wide - give him hell on financial support - make their "life together" pure misery. Kick his a$$ out now!

Sure, you need to protect your daughter but being "nice" to her scumb@g father is not the way!
 
#23 ·
I wonder after some time away if reality will set in and your husband will come crawling back home. He and the widow may have bonded over grief and are mistaking that commonality for love.

Or as others have said they could have had something going for a long time.

Regardless....stop having sex with the guy!

Stop letting him sleep in your bed, NOW. Tell him he needs to leave the home immediately, go to the court house and file a separation agreement. If the cell phone plan is in your name delete him off the account. Any joint credit cards should be canceled or limits reduced to a couple hundred dollars. Take half of your saving and move it to a new account, if the car is in your name take it away. Get tested for STD's and give him the bill.

All you are doing is enabling his bad behavior, heck actually you are rewarding his behavior by having sex with him, he probably thinks he won the lottery! The second he told you he was in love with someone else and was going to leave he stopped being your husband (except by law), all he is now is some guy screwing up your life.
 
#24 ·
I wonder after some time away if reality will set in and your husband will come crawling back home. He and the widow may have bonded over grief and are mistaking that commonality for love.

Or as others have said they could have had something going for a long time.

Regardless....stop having sex with the guy!

Stop letting him sleep in your bed, NOW. Tell him he needs to leave the home immediately, go to the court house and file a separation agreement. If the cell phone plan is in your name delete him off the account. Any joint credit cards should be canceled or limits reduced to a couple hundred dollars. Take half of your saving and move it to a new account, if the car is in your name take it away. Get tested for STD's and give him the bill.

All you are doing is enabling his bad behavior, heck actually you are rewarding his behavior by having sex with him, he probably thinks he won the lottery! The second he told you he was in love with someone else and was going to leave he stopped being your husband (except by law), all he is now is some guy screwing up your life.
I mostly agree with this post. The stuff in bold you need to discuss with your lawyer before implementing, some of it may piss off a judge.

You need to file for divorce as soon as possible. Get child support and alimony locked in before he bugs out, and get a court order preventing him from taking your child with him when he leaves. If you haven't taken steps to prevent it he can take her with him and you're basically screwed at that point. It would be you trying to get visitation and traveling to where he lives to see her and paying him child support.
 
#27 ·
I have a contrary view, though I completely agree that this is sad and sucks for you.

If my wife found someone she truly loved more than me and would be happier with them, I'd be very hurt but would want her to pursue it. We believe that we are together because we want to be together, and once that changes, everything does. Now if this happened, I would - eventually - move on and I'm confident I'd meet someone equally as good or better. She feels the same.

So, wish him happiness and mean it ... as you kick his damn ass out the door!
 
#30 ·
I have a contrary view, though I completely agree that this is sad and sucks for you.

If my wife found someone she truly loved more than me and would be happier with them, I'd be very hurt but would want her to pursue it. We believe that we are together because we want to be together, and once that changes, everything does. Now if this happened, I would - eventually - move on and I'm confident I'd meet someone equally as good or better. She feels the same.

So, wish him happiness and mean it ... as you kick his damn ass out the door!
Not everything. Not his responsibility for his children. Just up and quitting your job is irresponsible in the highest.
 
#28 ·
tell the other woman he still want to have sex with you and dose .

next time he tries tell him to go see his other woman.

start getting your finacial things in order. go see a professional to help you.

go see a lawyer before he quits his job and file for divorce.


good luck
 
#29 ·
Looking for advice on what to do!

My husband of 10 years seems to be going through a midlife crisis. His best friend died 4 months ago and he is now in love with his wife, whom he has know for 20 years. He announced to me a few days ago that he is in love with her and wants to leave his job, leave our marriage and move away to live with her.
We have a 7 year old daughter together and have had a rocky marriage from time to time but a fabulous sex life, even now.
His plan is to give 2 months notice on his job, stay here with us during that time and then move away to start his new life and return every other week to spend a few days with his daughter, who is the most important thing in his life.
Both of us are super conscious of hurting our daughter as little as possible during this time and making the transition of marriage breakup as smooth as possible.
He has offered to look after us financially as much as he can, bearing in mind he will be unemployed, and that I remain in our apartment with our daughter for now.
How generous of him. He is ripping apart your family, blowing off his responsibilities, quitting his job, and OFFERING you this? I am betting you can do one better in divorce court.


I have listened to everything he said to me but feeling very numb and heartbroken. He is cold towards me (except when we have sex when he is loving, affectionate and considerate), generally uncommunicative and drinking more heavily than usual.
A part of me wants him to leave now rather than in 2 months, but I understand his reasons for trying to make it as easy as we can for our daughter by going gradually.
Um. No. First stop having sex with him. If there are practical reasons that he stay, then he can move to another room.

I feel that his constant presence will not allow me space to get over this but I also feel that maybe he is having his cake and eating it too by staying in our marital home and conveniently moving in with his new love as soon as his job finishes. What is the right thing to do??
Any advice would be much appreciated, thank you.
See a lawyer and protect yourself and your daughter.
 
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