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So Now I Think I'll Be Sneaky...

5K views 38 replies 24 participants last post by  RandomDude 
#1 ·
In this thread, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/265362-am-i-being-out-line.html I discussed a dinner date a business friend of my wife's has asked her out on. As always, solid advice.

Took a turn for the worse this evening...

The guy she had the EA with, Sam, will be there at the conference and a friend of my wife's from across the state has asked her to buy one of his books for her. Despite our no contact rule, she agreed to as she felt it is harmless.

So now I have 2 issues going at once and have a plan...

She has a new Samsung S5 phone and it has a VAR app on it. The icon is tiny and I am sure she will never notice it. When she leaves (very early) I will simply turn it on and then off when she gets home. She goes to bed before me and I can plug in headphones and see what we have.

To be honest, I feel like a total jerk being so sneaky but I simply cannot find it within me to just stand idly by.
 
#3 ·
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

In this thread, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/265362-am-i-being-out-line.html I discussed a dinner date a business friend of my wife's has asked her out on. As always, solid advice.

Took a turn for the worse this evening...

The guy she had the EA with, Sam, will be there at the conference and a friend of my wife's from across the state has asked her to buy one of his books for her. Despite our no contact rule, she agreed to as she felt it is harmless.

So now I have 2 issues going at once and have a plan...

She has a new Samsung S5 phone and it has a VAR app on it. The icon is tiny and I am sure she will never notice it. When she leaves (very early) I will simply turn it on and then off when she gets home. She goes to bed before me and I can plug in headphones and see what we have.

To be honest, I feel like a total jerk being so sneaky but I simply cannot find it within me to just stand idly by.
Sorry, but at this point I would go full global thermonuclear on her. preferably in the worst possible way. Salt the earth for added effect!


Just my opinion.
 
#4 ·
I am so sorry. UGH.

I think snooping is the best option. I would also plan on going with her to the conference, if she has to go.

I really hope that the snooping turns out nothing of substance, and that she is just really clueless right now. This sounds like a dumb question, but does she realize that she had an EA and how damaging that was? Or does she think that because she caught it and stopped it, that it was just not a big deal?
 
#5 ·
First, so no one misunderstands me, I do trust "her". But one of her quirks is that she simply refuses to believe other guys have designs on her. She doesn't get it. And that is what leads her into trouble.

Second, RoseAglow, to answer your question, her first husband was brutally abusive to her. Her twins tell horror stories of the mental cruelty she endured. He got full testicular cancer at age 25 and he stated to her there would be no more sex. And until she fled at age 36, there was none. And she never cheated on him. All that to say she acutely compartmentalizes things fast. She made a mistake, took ownership for it and moved on- quickly. She doesn't dwell on anything for any length of time.
 
#6 ·
Ehh... the memory will likely fill up long before she gets home.

Also keep in mind that she may wind up turning off the phone at some point, especially if she's flying.
 
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#10 ·
Oh I think just 2. Her point is this is a very public conference and the EA guy may not even be at the book table, and even if he is she's buying a book and then leaving. What could happen? The last time they met at a 3-day conference he pestered her nonstop and I had to call him and offer to come make a painful visit (TAM thread). So she is convinced nothing will go awry. But if he does make his usual advances she may either not realize it or tell me. So I am resorting to the VAR.
 
#17 ·
This is a brand new phone and the VAR runs for 24 hours. I will personally see to it her phone is 100% charged. Battery life isn't a problem. In fact, since I found out about all this a couple of weeks ago I set my tablet VAR up every morning and it uses hardly any battery to run it. Very passive system. She has no idea it's even on.

We do have boundaries. She is total (or supposed to be ) NC with this Sam idiot. But she works from home and is deeply involved in her writing stuff so she attends numerous writing conferences and seminars. So the usual stuff about one-on-one meetings...

And why would I think women are innocent? They betray as much as men do.
 
#14 ·
I think you should have an honest, open conversation with your wife, including confessing that you were planning to turn on the var on her phone.

You two need to come up with a plan for dealing with this situation that satisfies both of you, and leaves you each with more trust and confidence in the other. Win/Win, or No Deal.
 
#24 ·
Part of the deal for R with my H after his EA was (and still is forever until the end of time) NO CONTACT. NO. CONTACT. I repeat, he is to never, ever, ever speak, write, text or breathe the same air as that woman. That is a condition of me staying married to him. If he came to me with this lame story your wife is giving...I'd tell him to have fun and I'll have the divorce papers ready when he returns.

I was always one of those "nice, understanding" wives but now when it comes to my marriage...NO. And guess what, my H is OK with that now. He gets it. He realizes the importance of boundaries.

Please stop treating your wife as a special snowflake who might melt if you tell her no. She needs to suck it up and put her marriage before her writing boyfriends. And you need to play the "villain" until her thought process is corrected.
 
#25 ·
Please read my response in your other thread. I do not believe that she is unaware of men and whats going on as you seem to think.
 
#38 ·
Just saw this thread today.

To me, no contact means no contact. Now far be it for me of all people to throw stones. But I'd be pretty upset if my wife had to go to an event where the OM was at. Now in my case he got a job with a different company, so bumping into him would not be easy. In your case it almost seems that she is going just to grab a book on discount for a friend, and odds seem at least 50:50 he will be there. To me she shouldn't be going.

I don't think she is going to cheat on you. But what if she comes home and says, yes, I saw him but didn't speak to him.

You check the VAR and you hear her say Hello, nice to see you. Now you have a huge problem on hand. No she didn't sleep with him, but did speak to him.

If the trip isn't completely necessary, then it shouldn't be placed ahead of your peace of mind. Does she understand this?
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