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How to balance losing yourself to doormattery with being the most loving you can be

1K views 4 replies 4 participants last post by  NobodySpecial 
#1 ·
For men and women.

  • Recognize that this is a journey. Recognize that your thoughts and feelings are not the same your partners. Your PoV is not the same as your partners. And your PoV is no more right than your partners.
  • LISTEN not to just hear the words but to understand where THEY are coming from from THEIR PoV. The thing that you are talking about does not have a totally right or wrong answer whether it is components of sex, money, domestic arrangements, work. So leave alone the right fight. Recognize you already understand your own PoV. And put your energy to understanding the other PoV. Not agreeing with. Just understanding. The goal is not to "win" but to understand each other enough to be able to talk on the same page.
  • Set EFFECTIVE limits. Figure out your Deal Breakers. Not how you want every little thing to be. But your honest to god deal breakers. They may be influenced by where you find yourself at any given time. Anything that is not a deal breaker, negotiate lightly and accept as much as you can. Deal breakers are limits. Keep them. Don't argue. Don't cajole. Don't threaten unless you are ready to follow through. Just Don't Engage.
  • Do not avoid. Do not lie to save feelings. Do not appease. Speak truth as you know it as kindly as you can. Accept truth as it comes to you as gracefully as you can. Hiding and lying causes more problems than the ones you cannot face, and does nothing to solve them.

My 2 cents.
 
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#3 ·
The only thing I strongly disagree with is the idea that one pov is not any more right than another. Sometimes Dug is absolutely right, and I am absolutely wrong, however sincerely held my view is. And vice versa.

Very important to look at truth and logic as well as feelings. And to be willing to acknowledge truth, say we are sorry, thank our partner for pointing out our error, and then accept the implications of that truth.

The goal is to take the wisest possible decisions in life. It does not matter which partner they come from. It is not about ego.
 
#4 ·
Switch POV with feelings. Feelings are valid for each of us. They may be based in falsehood or truth, but they are unique to each individual. When a spouse feels sad, angry or hurt for example, those feelings are valid and whatever is going on to cause them needs addressed. Those feelings are usually the reason behind the conversation that needs heard. Understanding the spouse's POV will help. I think that's when POV is important and what NS is addressing.
 
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