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Does this man like me or not?

4K views 49 replies 19 participants last post by  Satya 
#1 · (Edited)
I have just removed this due to the personal context as it happenned such a long time back now.
 
#4 ·
Thanks Kristisha, I don't think he is shy he is quite confident but I am sitting there thinking "maybe he is wary" and then wondering if I am just making excuses in my own head and it simply boils down to the fact that if a man truly likes you he wants to see you as soon as possible and talk to you as much as he can :/
 
#21 ·
Yes, it does bother me Kristin. It's not that he is lazy...it's something else. Like I am being kept at arms length. That's how I feel.
Hi Sarajane, what's your gut saying?

This guy sounds like a lot of angst for little return sorry to say. The way you describe his interactions with you sounds Passive Agressive. The question is are you happy with this style of interaction. The fact that you're posting about it here tells me that you are not. Honestly for me, it would be a dealbreaker. That's just me. Passiveness in a relationship is very frustrating for the other party. I bet you desire a more even, give and take mutually satisfying relationship.

Personal question if you don't mind answering - how's the chemistry between the two of you? Have you two kissed/groped much and who initiates it. If you have had sex with him - who's idea was it and did either one of you take the lead?

Are you overall happy with the relationship? Do you have outside interests/hobbies or do you find yourself subconciously waiting in anticipation of the next text? (If he does actually text you.)
 
#8 ·
I have known "of" him for around 6 months through a mutual friend. It's been a couple of months since he started texting me. It took me a little time to agree to the first date so that was only two weeks ago that we actually went on a date.

If I don't text him, he does eventually text me...it just takes a couple of days.

I really think dating other people is a bad idea given that he was cheated on. I'd rather make it clear I am only interested in him (even if a little dignity is lost I want to be authentic).

Maybe I am expecting too much, but my past experience is that if a guy goes on a date with you and likes it, he wants the next date within a few days and he texts constantly. I know not everyone is the same.
 
#10 ·
OK, so he does text you first sometimes?

I agree that dating other people will probably turn him off, especially if he is as skittish as he sounds.

Give him a little more time to warm up, but you should cut down a little on the frequency of your initiated contact. Let him know you had a great time with him (if you did) after any dates and encourage him but don't chase him.
 
#9 ·
I would say that when I text him, he responds very well. I would usually not text / chase a man but make an exception for him as it seems to have positive results. If we are texting and he is at work for example I will say "oh sorry, I'll let you get on" and he ill reply "no, please stay...if you want to that is". So he is not being polite, he genuinely enjoys my contact and I feel that very much. But of course it's hard on my confidence when it seems to be me doing all the chase!
 
#11 ·
Is he an engineer, or an accountant? Just kidding.

He may be a very steady guy but slightly emotionally unavailable and passive. It may take him longer to bond as well.

He is most comfortable paying attention to you and listening to you but spontaneous self-disclosure is not his strong point.

Can you live with that? I think that is really the question you need to be asking.

Sorry for the generalization, but many women do this all the time.

Does he like me?
Is he interested? etc

From what you said I thinks he likes you , is moving forward, and has been clear enough for you to understand that.

But you are taking aspects of his personality, unique aspect of his personality and are treating them as if they have meaning for you (i.e. does he like me?). They don't really speak to you as much as to him.

Its not "does this mean he likes me?" it's "this is what he is like!"

He is probably a pretty simple man (I know I am) and he is being upfront about what he is like. He does not want to get into a relationship later and be rejected for who he is.

I think the question for you is...If he genuinely cares for you ,will be faithful and committed to your relationship, can you be happy with who he is "TODAY" without expecting much fundamental change in his personality for the long term.

Can you ACCEPT him for who he is telling and showing you he is without trying to change him in any major way. (Yes of course people grow and accommodate each other, but its a question of going in with your eyes open. Don't think "oh he will be soooo much more expressive once we are married, no no no, that a recipe for problems.

Ask yourself if you like him? That is what he wants to know.

Not just do you want to be in a relationship but how compatible are the two of you. I say that without bias, you may indeed be very compatible.

I wish you well, hope this helps.
Take care!
 
#12 ·
Yes he sometimes does.

It seems to be on two occassions he texts me first.

1) When we have had a particularly intimate / sweet chat that day and then later in the day he will text "how are you darling?" and it's almost as if my encouragement encourages him.

2) If I ignore him for a day or two

I sense he is not as confident as me for sure, but also that he doesn't want pressure or to move too fast and the attraction between us is quite intense.

I am sure if I dated anyone else, he would be done with me. He's already showed signs of being a little jealous over small things actually.
 
#25 ·
He sounds into you but wants to take it slow. Let him take the lead and enjoy the ride.
 
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#13 ·
Decorum that was a very helpful post.

He does not divulge information voluntarily, but he does gentle give it if I ask him and to be honest with you, I find his nature very endearing and attractive because what he does share is very heartfelt and he clearly puts some effort into opening up to me which I love about him.

There's no question of me wanting to change him, only of me feeling the confidence to persevere when I don't feel 100% sure my feelings are reciprocated and also not knowing if the right thing to do is still initiate a conversation every day, or if I should just leave him a few days and wait for him to ask for that date.

Maybe on the next date I can ask him about some of this. He obviously wants to move slower than I do!
 
#15 ·
My guess is that he is a low drama guy who does not play games.

You know the "don't answer right away or never call 2 days in a row" type game stuff.

Which means you should not look for meaning in those things.

If you need to know, it's probably best to ask, "I think about you and miss so I text you most days, I don't want you to feel crowded but I am trusting that if you do you will let me know."

My guess is that his heart rate accelerates a bit when your text comes in so I doubt he will have a problem with it (He will likely say "Oh I love hearing from you"). And this will leave the door open for him to "reciprocate the initiate", which is something I think you will end up wishing he would do more, again are you ok with that? This may be who he is.

Take care.
 
#16 ·
My guess is that his heart rate accelerates a bit when your text comes in so I doubt he will have a problem with it (He will likely say "Oh I love hearing from you").
Take care.
Thanks Decorum, he has already said that to me. When he sees a text from me it lights him up and he loves getting them.

No, I don't have a problem with it if that's "just him".
I'm naturally gregarious and to be honest I am tempted sometimes to just say..."I want this date" and be more light hearted about it instead of letting him take the lead.

I just don't want to be that idiot girl who chases the guy who isn't interested.
 
#19 · (Edited)
Give him a little more time, Sarajane, as he's apparently been through a lot! I get the marked impression that he likes you quite a bit so I wouldn't really show any pushiness or impatience with him until such time that he gives you just cause to do so!

At this juncture, I'd consider you to be one very lucky lady! Please keep us all posted on any further developments!
 
#20 ·
Sarajane, I thought I remembered you so went back and checked your other threads...I was right - you are who I thought you were.

Sweetie, you've been through the mill after your last relationship. Please be careful, I'd hate to see you hurt again.

Take it slow, enjoy these early dating stages - they're so fleeting these days :) Don't think "does he like me?" ask yourself "Do I like him? How does he make me feel? Do I enjoy his company?" and most importantly "Does he like my son?".

After the trauma you and your sweet son went through, please keep this man away from your little boy, until things get serious...just food for thought.

Don't get me wrong - I'm so happy that you are moving forward, just be careful ok? xx
 
#22 ·
Sounds exactly how my relationship with husband started out. It is my guess the man is emotionally unavailable. If so, he will remain this way and you will be the one doing most the work in the relationship. He will like the sex just like any man does but the rest is up to you. It becomes a very one-sided relationship, affection from him is really not part of the picture. My advise is to move on.
 
#23 ·
Hello all. Thanks so much for the replies.

Frudsil, my friend, I remember you too...you helped me so much with my awful experience from before. Thank you for that. I am so much better now an being honest I am happier than I ever was before now. Life sent me a hard experience but I am now very glad it happened.

I moved back home, my son is in an amazing school, we are back with our family and friends now and I got my "life" back. We are both very happy!!!!

My son is almost 12 now, and to be honest..it would be a LONG way off before anyone I dated would meet him or be involved with him in any way. The great part about being "home" is that I can now go on dates with plenty of babysitters available and no need for him to be part of that until such a time as I meet a man who I think might be more permanent which obviously in this case I am a long way off. Two dates only!

To make it clear with this man, he is extremely affectionate, he instigates that. When he is with me he can't stop smiling at me, he has a hand always on me and kisses very passionately which he instigates. He doesn't try and have sex with me, which is a way off as we both want to take it slow. When we are together, and when we are talking I feel very much like he reciprocates and I feel like it is a very mutual situation.

The only issue is that he doesn't instigate and also doesn't arrange dates with urgency. There is definitely a situation where he pulls back. He has explained to me he has difficulty saying what he thinks and feel but he's asked me not to interpret anything.

Of course I am scared of being hurt / rejected - but I think sometimes you have to just be a bit brave and allow some time.
 
#26 ·
Stop trying to read meanings into everything. Either his behavior is or isn't meeting your needs and desires in a relationship.

Also, you are probably seeing the real him. He will revert to this behavior when either under stress or when things are not all exciting. So if you stay with him, you can expect the day-to-day to be like this.

I would certainly be cautious about jumping into anything too serious or long term with him. I'd want to see a prolonged period of him being more the way you want, which might indicate he has made some permanent changes.
 
#27 ·
Thanks for all helping me to breathe a bit easier. The thing is I suppose that as Frudsil said I went through a pretty traumatic time with my ex myself (my fiance ran out on me and my son) and so of course I have my own insecurities I am battling and trying to overcome.

I had this image in my mind of some man coming along and making it all better, so being now with someone who sends mixed signals at times is quite hard for me too. I am trying to learn patience and to "date" without feeling like I need adoration or validation.

I suppose in the end if he doesn't want to date me, he won't.

Yes, we have talked a bit about it but it's over text - which I hate. I am very direct....I just asked him and he replied on the lines of "I do like you, quite a bit actually but I think I have lost a little the ability to show how much sometimes".

I just need him to get off this stupid text thing and spend more time with me!
 
#28 ·
The only thing I would be wary about re: his behaviour with you, is that he will likely always be like that.

So if (IF) things progress, and you're thinking long term, marriage, etc. then be aware that if it bothers you now, it'll REALLY bother you in 5 or 10 years. To have a partner who doesn't show any initiative or pursuit of you will get tired quick.

Just saying. You'd obviously prefer he was more like you in this regard, that he'd pursue you a little more, show some interest, etc. If this is something you can theoretically live with long term, then you're good to go. If this is something you'd be back on TAM in 5 years for ("My husband doesn't initiate anything with me! My husband doesn't pursue me!" "I have to do all the work!" etc.) then you'll need to take it into account.
 
#32 ·
He did message me this morning asking me out. I do have an uneasy feeling of some sort, but thanks for all the comments. I'll read over them quite a few times to take in all the diferrent viewpoints. I know what's important is for me to learn to let go and accept the uncertainty without feeling like I need to know
 
#34 ·
I know what's important is for me to learn to let go and accept the uncertainty without feeling like I need to know
Great to say that....even better to actually LIVE that! Want certainty? Look to death & taxes. Seems like the more uncertainty one can tolerate, the better one's outcomes will likely be in all kinds of ways.

Anyway, my hunch is that your and his personality insecurities might just be pretty compatible. Good luck. :)
 
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