General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
rich 1227 has a thread explaining that he thought he had been a good husband by helping out around the house all these years, but it apparently didn't win him any points. I was in the same boat.
So, can someone give examples of how to balance this in a relationship? How can a guy help out and do his part and not appear lazy without his wife losing attraction?
It seems that even in this modern time, there are still things that even women still consider "women's work," and if a man overdoes it in that area, he becomes less attractive.
While the woman is doing the laundry, should the man go out and kill dinner with his bare hands?
As I woman, and an older one at that, I still, for myself define a lot of roles for husband/wives as traditional in my family, even though everything isn't.
I do not see it as less masculine if my husband helps out around the house - never have.
But, it was easier in my family to divide up our roles more traditionally so that it was clearly understood who did what. Do we step out of those occasionally, sure, but we've pretty much drawn them in the sand and it's taken all the resentment and confusion out of the issue about who does what, when, etc.
I do all inside work - this includes, dishes, laundry, vacumming, cleaning, etc.
He does all of the outside work - gardening, mowing lawn, leaves, etc.
He occasionally cooks and will clean up the kitchen.
I occasionally mow the lawn or help him with leaves.
But we have our defined roles and sometimes help out each other out.
In that respect, my husband is a good husband.
Where my husband is lacking is non-sexual and sexual affection and intimacy. He was never the real lovey-dovey kind, but as he has aged and with his medical issues he is really lacking in this area severely.
If we could overcome this, I would be a perfectly happy wife.
As I woman, and an older one at that, I still, for myself define a lot of roles for husband/wives as traditional in my family, even though everything isn't.
I do not see it as less masculine if my husband helps out around the house - never have.
But, it was easier in my family to divide up our roles more traditionally so that it was clearly understood who did what. Do we step out of those occasionally, sure, but we've pretty much drawn them in the sand and it's taken all the resentment and confusion out of the issue about who does what, when, etc.
I do all inside work - this includes, dishes, laundry, vacumming, cleaning, etc.
He does all of the outside work - gardening, mowing lawn, leaves, etc.
He occasionally cooks and will clean up the kitchen.
I occasionally mow the lawn or help him with leaves.
But we have our defined roles and sometimes help out each other out.
In that respect, my husband is a good husband.
Where my husband is lacking is non-sexual and sexual affection and intimacy. He was never the real lovey-dovey kind, but as he has aged and with his medical issues he is really lacking in this area severely.
If we could overcome this, I would be a perfectly happy wife.
I guess our roles got defined from what seemed to be need. My wife would come in exhausted from work, so I did most of the housework. She left for work before me, so I got the kids ready and took them to the sitter, etc. She seemed to appreciate it at the time, but in the long run, it didn't make me anything special in her eyes.
I really didn't mind. Should I have left a lot of those chores to her regardless?
So, can someone give examples of how to balance this in a relationship? How can a guy help out and do his part and not appear lazy without his wife losing attraction?
It seems that even in this modern time, there are still things that even women still consider "women's work," and if a man overdoes it in that area, he becomes less attractive.
Here is the way I look at this.... I want my husband to do what I CAN NOT DO , like the BIG jobs that require tools, heights, eletrical, explosions, things that I might injure myself trying to do. I would suck at fixing leaky pipes, probably cause a flood & much swearing , might fall off the roof If I tried to patch it, building something, fixing the car, body work (he is doing this as we speak, I should be helping him but here I am on this forum slacking) doing a cement job, putting up dry wall. He has led torn out peices of a wall to add windows in our house, he has built 2 story playsets, installed furnaces and built a chimney, cut trees down, chopped a ton of wood when we had a wood coal furnace, he is good with the chain saw. And he knows how to fix and use a monster snow Plow.
Now, for me, that is MANLY stuff, it is attractive and I have more RESPECT for him cause he KNOWS what he is doing & is not lazy about getting a needed Job done -(sometimes I have to push a little) but Thank God he is able & knowledgable ! Or it would cost us alot of $$$ to hire outsiders to do these jobs.
I do not want him doing what I can easily do (cooking, cleaning, laundry, taking out garbage, vaccuming etc, even cutting the grass- we share this generally cause I am rough on the Rider he says, I hit too many things & cause him more work) If I am sick he will automatically pitch in , but otherwise, it is "our way" for me to do that stuff, while he does the manly jobs. But I am a stay at home Mom after all, so this makes sense!
Things get a little stickier when the woman is working as the man NEEDS to do more of these everyday running of the household chores.
I think the best thing to do is sit down with whomever you get serious with, if you meet a decent woman & talk about these things, what she expects and wishes from you -if it leads to marraige. Some women "expect" more than others, and they should if they are working.
..... If she then ends up finding it "unattractive" somehow -but still EXPECTS you to do these things -instead of appreciating it , she is messed up in the head and "too complicated" (as your last thread southbound) to keep her around!
My husband and I both work about the same hours, we both share our house chores. I do the cooking, he does the dishes. I do the cleaning, he does the laundry. And we go to the market together, I do the paying, he does the carrying. It is almost 50/50!
Marriages end because of many reasons, now people leave each other just because they are bored and don't have passion for each other anymore!
rich 1227 has a thread explaining that he thought he had been a good husband by helping out around the house all these years, but it apparently didn't win him any points. I was in the same boat.
So, can someone give examples of how to balance this in a relationship? How can a guy help out and do his part and not appear lazy without his wife losing attraction?
It seems that even in this modern time, there are still things that even women still consider "women's work," and if a man overdoes it in that area, he becomes less attractive.
Helping out! If my husband "helped out" with the "woman's work" while I was ... ahem HELPING OUT with the earning, yah that woudl not fly.
It is not the doing of the housework that is the problem. It is not being a f'able hunk a chunk of burning man.
I guess our roles got defined from what seemed to be need. My wife would come in exhausted from work, so I did most of the housework. She left for work before me, so I got the kids ready and took them to the sitter, etc. She seemed to appreciate it at the time, but in the long run, it didn't make me anything special in her eyes.
I really didn't mind. Should I have left a lot of those chores to her regardless?
It sounds less like chores and more like she used you for a patsy. Not leaving the chores so much as standing up for equity.
I think the balnce her is to tell her to get off of her asssssssss and do something. There is really no way to say that nicely though. No matter how you put it it would come out wrong.
I think the balnce her is to tell her to get off of her asssssssss and do something. There is really no way to say that nicely though. No matter how you put it it would come out wrong.
..... If she then ends up finding it "unattractive" somehow -but still EXPECTS you to do these things -instead of appreciating it , she is messed up in the head and "too complicated" (as your last thread southbound) to keep her around!
Honestly, I think you hit the nail on the head. As logical as I thought my wife was, she comes from a high drama family, and I think it boils down to the fact that she is a little messed up in the head and too complicated(I'm glad you just came right out and said it.)
She acted like she really needed these things from me, but in the end, acted as though they meant nothing. I remember when we were first married, she was bragging to her sister-in-law about how I helped with the dishes. Her sis told her that would soon stop, but she reminded her a few years later what she said and told her it hadn't stopped, and she was glad I wasn't like other husbands who didn't help out.
Can someone describe the balance? 
