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Considerate Behavior or Beta Doormat?

1K views 12 replies 9 participants last post by  HHB 
#1 ·
I've been married six years to a great woman, a respected professional in a technical field that takes her away from home for two weeks at a time each month. I'm 68 and she's 58. It's the second marriage for both of us and in each case, we were single about 10 years between marriages.

So I have fallen into the habit of giving the house a real cleaning the day before she returns. It's not that I'm a slob, but it just seemed to be a considerate thing to do. To my thinking, I'd like to come back to a clean house, so why not make sure everything is nice for her? We're talking: vacuuming, laundering bed sheets, cleaning bathrooms, and dusting, etc. She seems to appreciate the effort and remarks about the clean sheets, etc.

However, I've been reading a number of posts about stay-at-home guys and their working spouses and the lack of respect that's engendered. And, I've been noticing a bit of disrespect creeping into our interactions.

I do work at home and I'm on my third career in a creative field wherein collaboration and team work are de rigueur. She's in more of a black and white technical field--more pronouncements by THE all-knowing expert than consensus building. This is carrying across into things that we do together and outside technical fields and into areas where she will insist that she's right even when she's not. In fact I even have a phrase for it; "often in error but never in doubt." We're about equal on financial contributions to the marriage.

It also occurs to me that she really never does any cleaning. Cleaning crews take care of the quarters she has while away and travel to and from of course puts her in hotel accommodations. At home, we split cooking and kitchen cleanup. I handle all the outside "man stuff" like gardening, mowing, as well as house and vehicle maintenance.

As for sex, it's every other day when she's home-- lot more frequent than when I was married to the sister of Satan, but pretty vanilla. She's quite conservative sexually and so no oral and just pretty standard positions in the bedroom. Yes, I'd like more passion.

So, am I nice-guying myself into a place I don't want to go?
 
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#2 ·
Just tell her your concerns. She probably is not doing anything to hurt you on purpose.

Be careful what you listen to here, too.
 
#5 ·
HHB,
You likely are nice guying yourself into a place you don't want to be. But not by cleaning.

This whole 'always being right' thing ought to be dealt with. It's a type of unhealthy competitiveness.

The spirit of the issue is insecurity. The mechanics of how to best deal with that vary widely. I find a playful posture is often helpful.

It's also not a bad idea to remind your partner that you wouldn't have married her if you didn't find her to be intelligent.

People who KNOW they're smart don't try to prove they know stuff - that they don't actually know.
 
#8 ·
You're right about the insecurity. Outside her very specialized field where she is the big frog and very comfortable in her pond, she can put up a false front of prickly bravado. And yes a bit of humor usually restores the balance.

That's something I and she are aware of and we have discussed. Bears watching.
 
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