My mother died of cancer early this year. We were extremely close and I've been reeling since it happened, trying to deal. My two sisters (who are 8 and 10 years older than me) went to work planning a memorial for her that's coming up soon. I was relieved when they said it would be non-traditional, I thought we were all on the same page (we are not religious).
In my opinion, the thing is now out of hand. At first I tried to say, 'hey, I thought this was going to be a small, authentic remembrance, this sounds more like a big formal event...' but was ignored, so I stopped bothering to say anything as the text messages and emails were flying between them, 'oh, we should have this, and this, and this...'. I had pictured the people closest to my Mom hanging out at someone's house toasting to her and talking about goofy stuff she did while she was alive and then going for a stroll through her favorite woods.
But at this point a venue has been rented, speakers are lined up, a singer, a professional photographer AND $500 videographer, people are flying in, food and wine for all, servers to pour and clear dishes, printed posters and programs, a second announcement in the paper (the first one cost $800 - in a tiny local paper almost no one reads anymore), $500 worth of flowers, a guest book etc. Then my oldest sister decided we should buy dinner for everyone at a restaurant afterward too.
My feeling is that most of this is unnecessary and is pretty much for show so we 'look good' to my mother's friends who it's likely none of us will ever see again, but then I've never been one to think these rituals had much of any value. My sister is flying her kids and husband out for the memorial, but they didn't come to see my Mom before she died. I don't see the point in that. I suppose this type of thing gives some people comfort or it's just done because it's expected by others but - to me it just sounds excruciating.
Both my sisters are quite well off, one works for herself and the other does not work. My financial situation sucks and I'm barely scraping by. I'm drowning in student loan and other debt, divorced and live alone, work for a non-profit in the South, not much time off. They are both aware of all this. In fact the middle sister offered to pay for my plane ticket to the memorial, knowing I couldn't afford it.
I got a few passive aggressive messages from the eldest, and then today, a list of all the expenses incurred so far for the memorial and a demand that I let them know how much of it I'm going to pay.
They don't want to ask my father to pay for any of it as he's a narcissistic, miserly bastard (but, he did inherit everything my mother had - nothing came to us - and he has plenty of money). He did have to pay for the cremation service.
I really don't know how to respond to the demand for money. I felt enough like a loser, and frankly resentful over being expected to be enthusiastic about all their over the top plans, but now I feel I have to go into additional debt so I can chip in some token money for this 'event' I had no part in planning. Or just tell them, gee, I can't afford more than $100 (which will sound ridiculous as the costs are now into the thousands). I have a feeling my sister wants to hammer it home that they both have money and I don't. She has always been into the sibling rivalry thing.
They also insist that I take 5 days off work so I can do other stuff in my hometown to get ready for the event. 5 days off is a big chunk for me, especially when I already took most of my allotted time off flying back and forth to be with my Mom while she was sick.
My guess is my sisters think I'm selfish and just letting them do all the work - and I have let them do all the work but it's because I really don't agree with anything they're doing, I was just willing to go along with it because they seemed to think it was what had to be done.
If there was any way I could get out of going to this memorial without permanently ruining my relationship with my sisters (imperfect as it is) I would.
Any advice appreciated.
In my opinion, the thing is now out of hand. At first I tried to say, 'hey, I thought this was going to be a small, authentic remembrance, this sounds more like a big formal event...' but was ignored, so I stopped bothering to say anything as the text messages and emails were flying between them, 'oh, we should have this, and this, and this...'. I had pictured the people closest to my Mom hanging out at someone's house toasting to her and talking about goofy stuff she did while she was alive and then going for a stroll through her favorite woods.
But at this point a venue has been rented, speakers are lined up, a singer, a professional photographer AND $500 videographer, people are flying in, food and wine for all, servers to pour and clear dishes, printed posters and programs, a second announcement in the paper (the first one cost $800 - in a tiny local paper almost no one reads anymore), $500 worth of flowers, a guest book etc. Then my oldest sister decided we should buy dinner for everyone at a restaurant afterward too.
My feeling is that most of this is unnecessary and is pretty much for show so we 'look good' to my mother's friends who it's likely none of us will ever see again, but then I've never been one to think these rituals had much of any value. My sister is flying her kids and husband out for the memorial, but they didn't come to see my Mom before she died. I don't see the point in that. I suppose this type of thing gives some people comfort or it's just done because it's expected by others but - to me it just sounds excruciating.
Both my sisters are quite well off, one works for herself and the other does not work. My financial situation sucks and I'm barely scraping by. I'm drowning in student loan and other debt, divorced and live alone, work for a non-profit in the South, not much time off. They are both aware of all this. In fact the middle sister offered to pay for my plane ticket to the memorial, knowing I couldn't afford it.
I got a few passive aggressive messages from the eldest, and then today, a list of all the expenses incurred so far for the memorial and a demand that I let them know how much of it I'm going to pay.
They don't want to ask my father to pay for any of it as he's a narcissistic, miserly bastard (but, he did inherit everything my mother had - nothing came to us - and he has plenty of money). He did have to pay for the cremation service.
I really don't know how to respond to the demand for money. I felt enough like a loser, and frankly resentful over being expected to be enthusiastic about all their over the top plans, but now I feel I have to go into additional debt so I can chip in some token money for this 'event' I had no part in planning. Or just tell them, gee, I can't afford more than $100 (which will sound ridiculous as the costs are now into the thousands). I have a feeling my sister wants to hammer it home that they both have money and I don't. She has always been into the sibling rivalry thing.
They also insist that I take 5 days off work so I can do other stuff in my hometown to get ready for the event. 5 days off is a big chunk for me, especially when I already took most of my allotted time off flying back and forth to be with my Mom while she was sick.
My guess is my sisters think I'm selfish and just letting them do all the work - and I have let them do all the work but it's because I really don't agree with anything they're doing, I was just willing to go along with it because they seemed to think it was what had to be done.
If there was any way I could get out of going to this memorial without permanently ruining my relationship with my sisters (imperfect as it is) I would.
Any advice appreciated.