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Do you ever snoop on your spouse phone/tablet?

6K views 100 replies 30 participants last post by  Kristisha 
#1 ·
I never did it and I don't think I Would ever do it because if my husband would have something to hide, he would delete anyway
 
#2 ·
I never did it and I don't think I Would ever do it because if my husband would have something to hide, he would delete anyway
With the right tools, that wouldn't matter. :D
 
#3 ·
Like Gus said with the right tools it doesn't matter.

I was never one to snoop, until I felt the need to do so. I figured my STBX was smart enough to cover his tracks (they always slip up eventually). But he couldn't hide detailed billing that I could view online. That was enough to make me go full 007.
 
#4 ·
Never snooped til my wife's iPad was pinging away at 11:00 at night while she was out of town 500 miles away.

I prefer to say I audit and verify her behavior.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#7 ·
You can use psychology and just monitor his behavior...

Try this... Tell your husband that you have had your router create a log of all the internet traffic and keywords in searches in the house and that you found some stuff on it that has you upset and you need to talk about it with him! Watch his reaction... then tell him your were just bluffing to see how he reacted. Based on his reaction decide if you have something you need to talk about with him or not.

Watch for this look: eyes go off into space with awkward silence... Then you have a problem!


 
#9 ·
You can use psychology and just monitor his behavior...

Try this... Tell your husband that you have had your router create a log of all the internet traffic and keywords in searches in the house and that you found some stuff on it that has you upset and you need to talk about it with him! Watch his reaction... then tell him your were just bluffing to see how he reacted. Based on his reaction decide if you have something you need to talk about with him or not.

Watch for this look: eyes go off into space with awkward silence... Then you have a problem!



He knows I'm rubbish with the technology so that wouldnt work for me..
Gus Polanski what tools?:scratchhead:
 
#13 ·
if I don't give her a reason to stray and cheat then I should have nothing to worry about. I don't take her presence in my life for granted. That's the only thing I'm implying here. Not every marriage is perfect. The one thing I don't question and will never have to question is her fidelity to me. To this family we have built.
 
#15 ·
ZD,

There are many many people here who never gave their spouse a reason to stray or cheat. Nonetheless, the spouse did cheat. Also, nobody's marriage is perfect, but imperfection is no excuse to stray or cheat. I am pleased that you and your wife are committed to each other.

Just know there are many spouses here who did everything right and then some who's spouse chose to cheat anyway.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#22 ·
Never, and i never will either, nor would my hubby. Both our phones are always in the same place so we could if we wanted, but neither us do because we trust each other.

I think that when you start doing this your lacking trust in the relationship and its not good.
 
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#24 ·
No. I did log into an ex gf's fb before when I heard she was having an emotional affair. I'm not sure I'd even do that anymore. I just feel more vindicated not snooping. I also hate micromanaging and controlling behavior, so I try my best to just have good faith and believe my wife. I really don't think there's anything I'd need to be worried about.
 
#33 ·
Good evening
Never snooped, never will.

I trust my wife and she trusts me. This is very important in a relationship - the belief that there is someone who really has your best interests at heart, someone you can trust absolutely.

Its worked for 25 years now - what ever disagreements we may have had, I've had absolute trust. Sure, I might come home today and find her in bed with someone, but I will still have had those years. That is better to me than to spend my live worrying and snooping. Never knowing if there is nothing going on, or if she is just good at covering her tracks.

I would leave before I would snoop -because snooping can never fix lost trust.
 
#38 ·
I trust humans to be human. I think each and every one of us is capable of doing terrible things (including cheating) given the right (or wrong) circumstances, as well as marvelous, loving things.

Thing is, when infidelity does happen there is little chance of working through it and repairing a relationship without full disclosure.

People rarely confess to infidelity unless caught red handed. They lie, get very good at hiding things, blameshift, gaslight, and whatever else is necessary to avoid confronting what they have done. In the fog they even convince themselves that they are doing this to protect their partner from heartache.

Most people that have come here for that issue did have blind trust. And many that do resort to snooping are doing so in an effort to expose the problem - in order to get to a place where repairing the relationship is possible.

In a case of infidelity, without being (un)lucky enough to have walked in on them, a person is left with a choice. Leave and live with second guessing themselves forever, stay and allow it, or dig.
 
#55 ·
I know i have not got it in me to do terrible things. People will probably think "yer right" but its true. I cant think of a terrible thing i have done anyway:).

Some of the things you have said here makes it sound as if were all cheating and hiding it lol.

You can sit there all day thinking is my partner cheating and drive yourself crazy with worry,.... not a good way to live.

I think its good to trust your spouse a 100%.... some people are terrible liars, and some are very good... my hubby not so good, some people cant live with guilt. I think if my husband did have cheat it would eat him up. I do not think he would be able to live with it if he slept with someone else.

I know if i cheated i would be gone hes told me he would never stay no matter what i did... hes told me what would happen if i ever broke his trust... that is not something i am willing the gamble with.
 
#39 ·
I've never understood the issue of phone privacy between spouses. We don't have a home line so when my phone rings, my wife simply answers it if she is closest. If I need to grab her much nicer I-phone to check something on-line, I do it. If she ever decides to check-out my Facebook account or email accounts or text messages when she has my phone, I really wouldn't mind.
 
#42 ·
The only problem with sharing phones for facebook, email etc, is that they sync to a single account for each service... you can use the website versions of those services but it's usually just less hassle to carry your own phone on you. My phone is like a personal accessory for me, I'm not really comfortable with other people using it, though my GF can rifle through my photo gallery or google information if she wants.
 
#40 · (Edited)
I was married for over 20 years to my STBX, a man I thought was incapable of lying and cheating at all. He was always the "perfect" husband. Until, he started acting strange. Getting up for work very early and coming home late, he has an important job so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

He started checking his cell phone more often and kept it with him at all times. He was withdrawn and not acting himself. He started running after years of not having time. Said it was a "life long dream" to complete a marathon and started training for one. This "life long dream" was totally new news to me his life long partner. He started blowing up at me for no reason and storming off, to go to the "driving range"...Enough already, I logged into our cell phone account and looked at the bill.

Long story short, my formerly very trustworthy husband was having a full fledged affair with a 29 year old who just coincidentally was a triathlete.

It was the first time I EVER snooped and it was the last. I filed for divorce and kicked him to the curb.

Never say never, it doesn't matter how trustworthy you think they are. It CAN happen to you.

I would never stay in a relationship where I felt I had to snoop all the time. That is not a good way to live IMO. But to each his own.
 
#44 ·
So what brought you to TAM?

Just curious...



Acutally I am curious as I see this on TAM from time to time. What difference does it make why Zach’s Daddy is here on TAM? Would it make his statements less credible or not accurate depending on his response? The site is Talk About Marriage, not Talk About Bad Marriage and such. Its for all types. I am not calling you out Gus I have read here for a long time and I like your posts (love your avatar) but I see this when someone that does not has a long post count gives an opiniion of a good marriage. We call all learn from all types. There are plenty of people on here and a lot with heavy post counts that are in good marriages why does it matter? Look at some of the comments this person got just by saying something that is not what the herd believes in.

That's the biggest hunk of crap I've read on here in a long time.

Nice thought, but delusional IMO.

You'd like to think so, huh?


Really just because its not on par with some of peoples own experience doesnt make that thought any less valid.
 
#47 ·
I think Zach qualified his statement enough, for my satisfaction anyway. I wish I hadn't used "hunk of crap". That should only apply to Tom Brady's punishment. So to Zach I apologize.

We think of snooping in the context of infidelity.

What if spouse had an online gaming or shopping habit? Wouldn't some snooping be called for?
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#51 ·
As for me (divorced me WW and now remarried), we share all passwords. She even has access to my work stuff. The only thing I cannot see is her Linkedin account and when I have asked for that password she refused. That said, I can view it if I really want to.

As to snooping, I keep an eye on her as she has had a small EA in the past and is well "liked" by some of the older writer men in her circles. But as to overt snooping I may do so this weekend, but that thread has already made the rounds here.

Trust but verify, as they say.
 
#64 ·
I hate to say this, but I'm actually considering snooping on my wife's phone. Interesting history with us, as confident as I am that she wouldn't cheat on me, I noticed a slightly disturbing pattern.

1. I used to know her PW
2. She got rid of her PW
3. She changed her PW and won't give it to me. I asked if I could have it and she asked why. I don't really know what to say other than "Well, I want to check up on you"
 
#67 ·
I made it clear to my GF when we decided to be serious about our relationship that I wasn't going to be in a committed relationship and not have transparency. I have nothing to hide, I have no issue in sharing anything and everything in my life, especially if it makes her more comfortable.

I expect the same from her. I feel like the kind of relationship where both people can be open, check eachother's stuff whenever they want BUILDS trust. It is hard not to trust someone when you open up your lives and say, "whatever you want to see, here it is."

Because we have that kind of openness, I don't feel the need to pry. As soon as she started getting defensive, or questioning me, is when I would start feeling like I need to snoop. But from the last few years, honestly I probably would just call it quits at that point, because if someone wanted to have an evidence-free affair that is easy to pull off.
 
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