As some of you will know I've written a few posts here about the ongoing problems in my relationship.
I'm 39, she's 35, we've been living together for 4 years (been together for 6) and live in a small apartment with her 13 year old son taking up the big room and us living in a small room that wasn't meant to be a bedroom. As I've mentioned before, there are good points to this relationship, but also some relationship breaker issues (jealousy, neediness, unkindness). She has a part time job on an afternoon. On a morning she goes to a university to get a qualification in social work (there's another couple years to go!). I work in an office, 8 hours per day, in IT.
As I find myself under increasing pressure to find an apartment I decided to look at one that was on the expensive side this Saturday. I knew that I probably couldn't afford it alone and would need some contribution from my girlfriend. I went there with my girlfriend and her son. The apartment was really nice, in a very quiet peaceful, green location. Unfortunately I think it's too small. The larger bedroom is too small for her sons current furniture and the smaller room is only slightly bigger than what we current have (although at least it is a 'real' bedroom with a door that closes!). We would struggle to fit our furniture into the apartment although at a push downsizing is always possible.
As mentioned, I don't think I can afford it alone. I explained this to my girlfriend and asked her (in as nice and diplomatic a way as possible) if she could contribute to the rent. She said she can't afford to give anything (not with her uni, money she has to pay out for her son, and the other outgoings). I currently pay all the rent, heating, electric, car costs, main shopping, holiday costs, and so on. She pays for the home phone/internet, her mobile, and small food shops during the week when we need a little extra or she wants to make a cake or do a quick lunch.
I created a spreadsheet to budget last night. The spreadsheet factors in everything (even things like car insurance, holiday planning, etc). We just can't afford it. I need a contribution of around 400 Euros per month from my girlfriend and as mentioned she can't do that. Not to mention the fact that my job is unstable with redundancies recently, so moving to an expensive house doesn't leave us with a buffer to survive for long without a job. It's also likely I'd be earning less in the next job.
I started reading No More Mr Nice Guy last week. It's opening my eyes as I realise that I've never been a "real man" who would say simply "no. we can't afford it". I've always been someone who is so desperate to please, to avoid conflict, that I haven't been strong and truly honest. I'm trying to be strong and honest now, but boy it's hard when I feel she's acting like a spoiled child.
We have had many arguments about money before. Especially holidays where if I was strong I would have said no (I remember trying) but instead caved in and spent thousands and thousands. I can just imagine how upset she would be if we took the apartment and couldn't afford going on any holidays!
I remember she said to me at the beginning of the relationship "money is not important to me. being with someone i love is". Well... it doesn't seem that way to me.
Am I being too nice?
Am I being unreasonable?
Do I need to "man up"?
I'm 39, she's 35, we've been living together for 4 years (been together for 6) and live in a small apartment with her 13 year old son taking up the big room and us living in a small room that wasn't meant to be a bedroom. As I've mentioned before, there are good points to this relationship, but also some relationship breaker issues (jealousy, neediness, unkindness). She has a part time job on an afternoon. On a morning she goes to a university to get a qualification in social work (there's another couple years to go!). I work in an office, 8 hours per day, in IT.
As I find myself under increasing pressure to find an apartment I decided to look at one that was on the expensive side this Saturday. I knew that I probably couldn't afford it alone and would need some contribution from my girlfriend. I went there with my girlfriend and her son. The apartment was really nice, in a very quiet peaceful, green location. Unfortunately I think it's too small. The larger bedroom is too small for her sons current furniture and the smaller room is only slightly bigger than what we current have (although at least it is a 'real' bedroom with a door that closes!). We would struggle to fit our furniture into the apartment although at a push downsizing is always possible.
As mentioned, I don't think I can afford it alone. I explained this to my girlfriend and asked her (in as nice and diplomatic a way as possible) if she could contribute to the rent. She said she can't afford to give anything (not with her uni, money she has to pay out for her son, and the other outgoings). I currently pay all the rent, heating, electric, car costs, main shopping, holiday costs, and so on. She pays for the home phone/internet, her mobile, and small food shops during the week when we need a little extra or she wants to make a cake or do a quick lunch.
I created a spreadsheet to budget last night. The spreadsheet factors in everything (even things like car insurance, holiday planning, etc). We just can't afford it. I need a contribution of around 400 Euros per month from my girlfriend and as mentioned she can't do that. Not to mention the fact that my job is unstable with redundancies recently, so moving to an expensive house doesn't leave us with a buffer to survive for long without a job. It's also likely I'd be earning less in the next job.
I started reading No More Mr Nice Guy last week. It's opening my eyes as I realise that I've never been a "real man" who would say simply "no. we can't afford it". I've always been someone who is so desperate to please, to avoid conflict, that I haven't been strong and truly honest. I'm trying to be strong and honest now, but boy it's hard when I feel she's acting like a spoiled child.
We have had many arguments about money before. Especially holidays where if I was strong I would have said no (I remember trying) but instead caved in and spent thousands and thousands. I can just imagine how upset she would be if we took the apartment and couldn't afford going on any holidays!
I remember she said to me at the beginning of the relationship "money is not important to me. being with someone i love is". Well... it doesn't seem that way to me.
Am I being too nice?
Am I being unreasonable?
Do I need to "man up"?