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Things that worked to improve HD/LD issues

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#1 · (Edited)
I turned my former HD wife into an LD for a several years by taking her for granted making love to my career. We are on a path of recovery from that and have had some rather satisfying success even if we have a ways to go.

Here are some of the things I have done to improve our situation.

1. GOT MY HALF A$$ $HIT TOGETHER TO REATTRACT MY WIFE

The foundation to everything that is attraction power - Being the best I can be FOR MYSELF and your my self-respect. Neat, clean, strong, reliable, interesting, fun, funny, new, spicy, erotic, energetic, a person of ACTION.

However you define it, be your best while still being authentic. Are you half-assing something? STOP Do you need to clean up your act? GET IT DONE RIGHT NOW.

2. MAKE WIFE AND MARRIAGE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY

Put everything else second without smothering one teensy iota. My wife needs to know I am there in her corner ready, willing, able and actively investing in the relationship.

3. UNDERSTAND MARRIAGE IS A PROCESS NOT AN EVENT

Marriage is not a trophy from some event that has ended. It is process and privilege that needs to be appreciated, maintained, invested into, fed, adapted to new challenges and grown into something more than it is today to keep it alive and thriving

4. STOP SELF REJECTION IN SECRET

I stopped self-rejection which I define as secretly talking myself out of making a pass at my wife for sex to avoid rejection from her. I was rejecting myself. NOT GOOD. If you stop trying then your spouse is not even aware of how often you WANTED them.

Self rejection in secret makes it much harder for them to realize the frequency you desire them. It keeps them totally in the dark unless you have that unpleasant talk all the time that bears no fruit. Your LD spouse needs to know your desire frequency. Self-rejection sabotages that knowledge.

Ceasing to self-reject also, will often for some, result in more sex. Have a go at a making a pass whenever you want. It pays off. Mom has a saying, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained" The idea is try and try again.

Hell I made a game out of it as I was solving this secret self-rejection puzzle. I would tell my wife, I was about to reject myself secretly from making a pass at you so you couldn't destroy my self-esteem and then I decided, no I will be nice to myself today and come over here and give you a smooch hoping you respond with passion and desire. Sometimes she laughs at me, nods her head with a smile and gives in to my boyish charm and is flattered with my interest in her and the comedic effort to get a laugh out of her.

5. TAKE REJECTION WELL ANY WAY I CAN - BE CREATIVE

One of the reasons I became less attractive to my spouse is because I took rejection so poorly with the pouting and fits of anger and such sometimes for hours or even days.

This is very counterproductive to be unattractive when trying to get some. I look at passes like like a major league batter because I had to at the time to put it all in perspective. Hottest hitter in the league gets a hit less than half the attempts and is still the among the best in the world.

If you can walk away giggling about flirty attempts with your spouse that resulted in rejection you are doing it correctly. If you have so much emotion invested in trying and hoping that it results in soul crushing agony you are doing it wrong. It can be fun and flirty while making a pass. LIGHTEN WAAAAAY UP and take no with a giggle and a smile and let your spouse know it's OK now to say no.

6. BE AWARE OF THE HONEYMOON PERIOD ENDING AND OWN YOUR $HIT

New love is absurdly awesome but it ends. That is mysterious to way too many in dying relationships that don't understand what happened. It is biochemistry at work so it is very easy and your spouse can do no wrong during this time but it ends.

You get no award for getting thru the honeymoon period. The reward comes from learning how to take it from the end of the honeymoon phase into eternity.

I know I didn't know jack about how to be a good spouse until I researched it, trial and error everything I could think of and kept at it fiddling with our current, past and future plan, actions and beliefs to get the combination right that works for us.

In order to do that in humble fashion, I had to admit I did not know what I was doing and needed to go get it, try it, evaluate and get back at it some more to keep building on the successes and failures along the way.

7. SOMETIMES BE BLUNTLY DIRECT

Seduction can be very subtle. This can be enjoyable but it can also back fire if the person does not even know what you are up to. There are times when my spouse needs to be told "I want to vuck" so I say so. It cuts to the chase and gets all the B.S. out of the way. To BE CLEAR sometimes if the mood is right it efficient and gets things going immediately or if it's ano, then you can move on without a big emotional investment. It's fun, sassy and adds variety, rawness and in your face naughtiness that most every marriage needs

8. SOMETIMES BE ANYTHING BUT DIRECT WITH SUBTLE SEDUCTION

My spouse was always direct and I wanted subtle seduction. I insisted that she add that to her arsenal with us. I offered tips, told her what I liked, explained the merit of variety instead of predictability and encouraged it with my reaction and follow up positive reinforcement

9. EXPRESS YOUR WANTS AND "THE PLAN"

My wife always has a planned agenda that is full. This forced me to make sure I layed out my agenda and included her in it so our rendezvous that she had not thought of as many LDs don't, was included in her busy schedule.

For example, I am going to the kids ball game at 9 and then I am going to clean out the garage after I grab a new short at the five and dime, then I want to come home and have a nice long romp with you at 2 sharp when the kids are at the pep rally. Then I will make dinner and it would be lovely if you could pick up movie tickets.

10. BE KEENLY AWARE OF RESPONSIVE DESIRE AND BECOME A TRUE BELIEVER AND EXPRESS THAT REMINDER OFTEN

My wife initiates on occasion and she rejects sometimes when she is not feeling it. I had to teach her about her responsive desire. Once she got going, she was good to go. She did not ever note that until I pointed it out to her. Now we utilize that wisdom to up the frequency and attitude about our sex life since she doesn't fight it any more with a hard no knowing where it usually ends up in a very worthwhile place.

This surprised her about herself as she is more of an in the moment type than analytical like me. I remind her often so she does not forget about that outcome.

Once in a while she is not going to come around so we have discussed my higher drive and her willingness to give it a go to try to get into the zone. I have to be a big boy about that embracing the starfish sex that might occasionally result and take it in stride with a positive attitude knowing the risk of it. Hell sometimes we laugh about it because it isn't happening and go do something else together. LOL.

11. EMBRACE THE QUICKIE BUT DON'T RELY ON IT TOO OFTEN

My LD is sometimes just not in the mood but has been persuaded to embrace the quickie so I am happier and she doesn't have to endure a marathon session. It is understood up front what the plan is and we both agree it is a compromise that should be appreciated by both of us.

Warning - Don't let your LD use this as the go to solution too frequently. It needs to be used sparingly to keep the overall quality up

12. EMBRACE THE STARFISH HOPING FOR RESPONSIVE DESIRE TO KICK IN THEN LAUGH IT OFF IF IT DOESN'T

Some here think the starfish is worse than none at all. Each to his own but I have had way too many responsive desire successes to toss them out and I am toughened up enough to take it like a comedian when it just doesn't happen.

I take it well if it just isn't in the cards that day. We make light of it and laugh it off. We are thinking about naming our starfish. LOL Call it what it is. Laugh it off. You horny people need a sense of humor if you are with an LD spouse or you will be miserable.

13. NEVER MISS A KISS HELLO AND GOOD BYE AT HOME

We made a deal to add this back to our habit and it pays off. When those kisses get a little longer or wetter, the result can be lighting a little burning ember of desire. Sometimes it breaks into an all out maul and sex fest right at the front door.

My foyer has seen more action than the tired help at the bunny ranch lately.

14. LIGHTEN UP LIGHTEN UP LIGHTEN UP AND TRY THINGS OUTSIDE THE BOX

Humor and flirting were evicted from my marriage when I was making love to my career and taking my poor wife for granted. I am now fun, funny and flirty again and she loves the attention.

I am sure not to expect it to lead anywhere even if it does. Being pleasant and fun all the time is it's own reward but...

It pays in the attractor factor as well and gets my wife in the mood. She LOVES it when I make ANYONE laugh. Humor is a top 5 aphrodisiac and so is attention.

Funny and flirty will get you a better life.

15. COMPLAINING IS UNATTRACTIVE - DONT DO IT. INSTEAD ASK QUESTIONS AND SOLVE PROBLEMS

Instead of we never have sex say "What do I need to do to start your engine right now?" She says get me my favorite potato chips, dip and grill steaks for dinner while I make a salad and I will tear you up in two hours. Guess what I am going to do.

16. EMBRACE TRANSACTIONAL SEX TRADES OUT LOUD AND MAKE IT A FUN GAME

What will get me lucky? Wash the car and gas it up.

I am not the type to care how I get mine. The directions are clear. It's another technique in the sex life tricks. It adds variety. It works for us. What do I care if I have to knock out some chores to get some? I don't

Plenty of dating is transactional and this is easier and certain. Instead of wine and dine and hope. I have a fail proof admitted agreement with a certain payoff.

Empty the cat box and walk the dog and then meet me upstairs. OK get ready and don't start without me! LOL

17. MAKE COVERT CONTRACTS OVERT

Don't think it to yourself. Say it out loud. Make light of it. Joke about it.

"Hey honey. I was thinking I would fix that curtain rod in the dining room you have been nagging about to butter you up for some steamy hot love. Is that likely to work out for me?" :rofl:

If she says no then I say "OK I guess it can wait. I am going to go to the gym and make my biceps bigger."

18. KNOW THE LOVE LANGUAGE AND STOKE THAT F UCKER LIKE THE ONLY FIRE IN NORTH POLE AND SAY IT OUT LOUD

My wife's love languages are Acts of service and QT. I hammer on them. It's part of making her a priority and being a team player. The team does better when one provides for the other.

I tell my wife as a reminder that she needs that from me and then I demonstrate it. We discuss that openly. We both took the Love Language test.

I also discuss my needs which is physical touch off the scales. We discuss that openly.

I drive while she puts her hand on my leg. Everybody is happy.

19. TAKE EVERYTHNG SOMEONE SAID CANT WORK, TURN IT ON ITS HEAD, ADD SOME PIZAZZ AND ASK WHY NOT AND TINKER WITH IT UNTIL IT DOES WORK

Much of the time things do not work because they are missing a vital ingredient or a twist of some kind. Often my go to ingredients that make all the difference are

a. humor
b. former secret thoughts spoken out unabashedly
c. positive "can-do even if others can not" attitude
d. an "oh what the hell it cant hurt" belief in myself
e. creative genius of some sort however small to twist unworkables into magic
f. not listening to those that predictably fail because of their lackluster outlook
g. imagination / visualization
h. the most open type of communication ever witnessed with no secrets and no hold back
I. being willing to be hurt with a "so what, it wont kill me" thought process
j. dispense with your ego and pride and get silly about those two obstacles to comfort and happiness

20. GET COMFORTABLE WITH FAILURE, DETACHMENT AND DESTABLIZATION

I went thru the exercise of getting comfortable with the idea of having to leave my wife, child, home and half my savings and stuff due to an unsatisfying life. I let my wife know it was fix or we're done and the choice was 100% hers but the solutions start now.

She chose to work on it and we call it what it is. I have told my wife I was unwilling to live like we are living and that I was taking steps to detach. If she wanted that to continue then change nothing and I would take care of it. If she wanted to save us from my past mistakes then I would require very noticeable improvement immediately starting with ...

a. kiss hello and goodbye and a smile when we see each other
b. sex at least once per week and that is not negotiable under any circumstances except sickness that would be made up
c. date night twice a month without child doing activities of my choosing and same for her
d. cooking together once a week
e. shopping together twice per month
f. love entertainment of some kind once per month
g. that the list is understood to be a minimum not a maximum
h. the list will grow and she is welcome to offer me her own list for consideration

You know like a loving relationship

000000000000000000000000

This list isn't for everybody but it has worked for us. If you have given up entirely on your sex life with your spouse or have a lousy attitude, I politely ask you not to junk up this thread with your naysayer posts dumping on ideas that have worked for someone with a better attitude. I am hoping to add solutions not complaining to the discussion of this very damaging issue.

For those that want the frequency details. We went from once or twice a month to 2 to 5 times per week averaging it out. I have an appetite that has lessened from daily to a bit more than every other day. My wife has an appetite that has gone from once or twice a month to once or twice per week.

There are times when she (the LD) initiates twice on the same day in some months recently again. There are also times when she is suggesting daily for a three or four day run.

HAPPY HUMPING

NOW PRINT THIS OUT AND GET TO WORK LOL
 
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#2 · (Edited)
Yes, sometimes you can fix it. That seems like something a small percentage of couples manage.

Most don't. And is the effort worth it? IMO, usually not.

I'm sorry to be negative, but it's based on experience and observation.

I turned my former HD wife into an LD for a several years by taking her for granted making love to my career
You succeeded because your wife wasn't naturally LD - it was situational LD. That is fixable. Most other kinds are not. I do commend you for realizing the cause and taking steps to fix things.
 
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#3 ·
My plan is simple, "just be fun to be around." Tends to work.

If you are ever in a bad mood and still need to be "fun" to help pick things up, I find it helps to talk sh!t about everyone your wife hates. Just be sure to keep a very up to date copy of her sh!t-list as not to offend her in the event she recently forgave such as your uncle Phil for the way he handled her Grandma's estate by giving her house to the church instead of letting family move into it rent free, only to find out that Grandma specified that in her will because no one had known until now that the church had donated her the land in the first place to help her and your grandfather get started in life. Poor uncle Phil, bless his heart, don't you EVER talk sh!t about him ever again!
 
#4 ·
My plan is simple, "just be fun to be around." Tends to work.

If you are ever in a bad mood and still need to be "fun" to help pick things up, I find it helps to talk sh!t about everyone your wife hates. Just be sure to keep a very up to date copy of her sh!t-list as not to offend her in the event she recently forgave
How is initiation handled?

When where how and how often do you initiate?

When where how and how often does she initiate?

How often does rejection happen?

How is rejection handled?

Is she LD?

How long has she been LD?

Cause of it?

Fixed how long?
 
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