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Please advise me!!

2K views 13 replies 4 participants last post by  IWantGreatMarriage 
#1 ·
Members of this group I need your advise on what to do with my marriage.

My H and I have been married for the past 8 and half years with two kids age 6.5 and 1.5. Since our marriage we have a lot of up and downs with a frequesnt disargumment on manythings.

The main problem we have I belive is we didn't discuss on any issues even on good times as he is more of authoriterian and would like to give a rule than discussing and at the same time i am also a very strict on somthing that i didn't accept to do so this will usually lead us to be on dispute and at last we will not talk eachother for a long period until something happens that will lead us to talk like sickness or someother third party events. Recentlly i try to give up on many issues and will talk to him dispite his silence but that doesn't last long so we will go back to our silence. You can imagine how you leave together under one roof with somone you didn't talk and more you will slip together. Just before nine month one night in the middle of the night i wake up and ask him to forgive me and be like other families without disargument and we were ok for some time. Again it comes back and we are sitll on and of.

So please advice me on how to creat peace in my house/marriage. As a normal married cuple what we need to do as a principle i need the 101 even if it's late never been late than ever. I need the basic advise on how to mend my marriage before it's braken i can see we are on the verge of it if we didn't be able to mend it.

Hope to get you advice and will explain more if need be.
 
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#2 ·
Sounds like a great environment for your two young kids to grow up in.

Why don't the two of you seek counseling. It will help both of you grow up, learn to communicate with each other like adults.
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#3 ·
Ya I understand that we need the counseling to communicate with each other but we are from east africa so it's not usuall to get counselling here except for family members and that one is immposible for me as i don't want my family to involve in my problem.

i need your advise on the basic way how to develop communication by our self especially from my side as i am willing to take the lead to get a solution for this long lasting problem.

I usually tell my self to talk to him on good times but i can't start so i need the advise on that.
 
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#5 ·
Our silence is more of avoiding confrontation specially from my side I don't want to arguee on any thing infront of my kids so that I prefer to be silent. The main reason for that is if we argue or talk on any issue we didn't argue about he will speak disrespectivelly that i don't want my kids to see. I really hate my house life had it not be for my kids I might not be with him for a long.

As i mentioned earlier before eight month I decide to applogise for what ever i did to him even if I didn't do anything and ask for his excuse so that we can be on good terms and be able to discuss with him to tell me what is wrong with me that make him angree and even I arrange a vacassion for us at a resourt and we stay out one night but i don't want to disturb the good time with such discussion so i was not successfull on that.

The other thing is that evenif we are not on good terms he sometimes want to be nice on the bed ( have sex) but I can't be as he want because of all the argument we have.
 
#6 ·
He sounds really disrespectful.

In your part of the world, is divorce very common? Would you be able to support yourself and your children?

Never apologize for something If you have done nothing wrong.
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#7 ·
Ya divorce is common but that is my last, last, last.................. solution all becuase of my kids i know i don't want them to grouw with such silenced family but at the same time i don't want to decide on their right to have a family or not...... that is the argumment i am in currentlly and don't want to tell my self that is also possilble. To convince my selv and decide on my marriage i want to get a chance to clearlly discuss with im so i need the capacity to do that with the help of God.....................
 
#8 ·
Unfortunately where she is from, divorce might not be that common and I don't think divorcing because 2 adults are behaving like children is the answer. They will marry other people and the trend will still continue.
OMG, I understand where you are coming from. Am African myself though do not live there.
I understand our men tend to be authoritarians, but you need to be wise in order to get him to be the kind of husband you crave. To do this, I have few suggestions:
1. Whenever he makes you angry, don't stay quiet. You might think you are trying to avoid confilcts but i actually makes it worse. I did this at the beginning of my marriage and it didn't help at all. Tell him EXactly what you are angry about. Be direct, yet respectful. Don't beat about the bush. And don't raise your voice. Always try to use first person, like "Am upset because...". "What you did made me feel.." I read a lot of stuffs on communicating with difficult people and it helped me. Find such and read them.
2. Know the right time to bring up a discussion. Not when he is watching football or he is angry. He is your husband, so try to know him like your most cherished book. It might be true that he does not know how to hold conversations, but you can teach him. And also learn to choose your battles. With my husband, I know in my head that some things are not worth arguing about, and I dismiss them in my head, and not pout over them.
3. When you do discuss problems with him, don't start with what he does wrong. Praise him first about the things he does well. African men want to know they are great. Egos I guess. If you start with the bad things, am afraid he won't listen at all.
And finally, know that you have the power to decide whether you fight or not. You have the power to keep a cheerful home.

Goodluck
 
#10 ·
I was going to write a long post about my experience, as my husband is also from East Africa, but I read IWantGreatMarriage's post and it's pretty spot on.

My husband has a tendency to ignore me during conflicts, which just makes me upset, but we are still learning how to work with each other during these times.

It's hard if you feel your husband isn't on board with you, but I think patience is important here. Set a good example for your husband, and he may follow you and you guys can have a great marriage.

I'm just interested to read your posts because I've always wondered how much of my husband is from his culture, and how much of it is his personality? I mean, does he act this way because that's who he is, or because that's how he was taught that men should behave?
 
#11 ·
Kokonatsu how long will patience work as a human being you need to see change in your life so when things be the same for a long period that will not allow you to think positive.

I wonder if this is really culture as my brother is the opposit from my husband in terms of support and understanding for his wife and his marriage.

What I need is how to change this behaviour of my husband or what should i do to have a good mariage.
 
#12 ·
Kokonatsu how long will patience work as a human being you need to see change in your life so when things be the same for a long period that will not allow you to think positive.

I wonder if this is really culture as my brother is the opposit from my husband in terms of support and understanding for his wife and his marriage. You can't honestly know this because you are not married to your brother. Only his wife knows the kind of husband he is, and probably will never tell you exactly.

What I need is how to change this behaviour of my husband or what should i do to have a good mariage. It will be better if you focus on what you can actually do, which is changing your own behaviour. You can't change another person but you can lead by example
OMG, it will be great if you stop comparing your marriage to others because you don't know what happens behind closed doors. Just focus on your household's happinness. Patience does work, but you need to be proactive.
Don't focus on changing your husband. Focus on working on yourself. Focus on changing yourself to be better. Focus on being less passive aggressive. If you do it right, unless your husband is a naccist, you will see positive changes.
The best advise I got is when hubby is being angry for reasons I don't understand, or for things that does not make sense, to imagine he is my two year old. Do I shout at my two year old for behaving irrationally? No, because he doesn't even know he is. Gently does it.
Before I started working on myself, my H was an angry man. I wondered to myself why I married someone without self control, that can turn so angry at the turn of a switch. But then, I realised I can't stop him from being angry, but I can control how I react to it. So when he is angry, I let him be, but I will not think it's me. It's all on him. I give him time, but will make sure we talk about it before bed. I touch him, I soothe him. He is after all my two-year old. And before long, he will become my husband again. And he is hardly angry these days thank God.
In a nutshell, work on yourself.
Soon enough, he will follow. Teach him how to be good.
There is a post I saw a while ago on facebook that has really helped me. Will post it as soon as I find it
 
#14 ·
I can't find the post on facebook. Still looking.
There is a thread I started earlier. Read it and you can start from there:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...reat-marriage-what-things-i-shouldnt-do.html#

You can start with communication. Promise yourself you will no longer give him silent treatment. Try to be direct when he annoys you. Direct yet collected.
Remember you are not just doing it for him, but for you as well. Silent treatment kills your mood. I know it killed mine. Happinness is contagious. One step at a time.
If you are a christian, reading this might help too: The Role of the Wife in a Christian Marriage
 
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