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I dont know if my fiance will ever grow up...

1K views 12 replies 12 participants last post by  len51 
#1 ·
Long story short is that I met my fiance at 15, we got together at 16. I'm 23 now and we are engaged to be married in October. I love him more than anything, but there are some things that get under my skin.. I dont know if its more him or his friends...

Here we are living together and I don't mind company, dont get me wrong, but it gets old when his friends are over every single weekend and they stay the night for up to 5 days at a time.. I dont mind them coming to visit but I want them to leave afterwards.. Is that wrong of me? He's 27 and his friends range from my age to his. He's a big gamer and they like to come over and play video games with him. One of his friends, his best friend since he was about 12 comes over all the time.. and I don't really get along with his best friend. I accept him and I love him but I just cant stand him being over all the time.. It seems like our house always have a guest here that comes over uninvited or that I tell me fiance I dont want them here but they show up anyway... I don't get to spend as much time with my fiance as I want to and it feels like we have no privacy or time to talk... What do I do?:(
 
#2 ·
This is a very difficult situation. You are right, your boyfriend may never grow up. Or more realistically, he'll not grow up until he has to.

You can force him to reign in his friends by threatening to leave him. But if you do that, he's very apt to resent you for it. So this path may be dangerous for your relationship.

You can sit him down and lay down the law. YOU should be his best friend. As it is it sounds like you are just there to be his mother, satisfy his sexual needs, and be a hostess to his friends. You can make it clear to him that you will not do this any more. But this too may be dangerous for your relationship.

I can think of no easy way out of this situation except that you may have to risk your relationship in order to save it. I know that this is not what you want to hear, but you may have made a serious mistake.

But I do know that it is not his friends that you are angry with, it is him. They are his friends and he has to deal with the change in his life now that he has you.
 
#3 ·
I'm a big gamer and so is my husband. We got married very young. His friends are all gamers, and yes, they come over and hang out all day on a regular basis.

In my case I haven't complained about it because I have no problem with it since I can join in the fun. I kind-of expected that it might change one day, and sure enough a couple of the friends have drifted away as they got married or whatever, but two of his best friends are in their mid/late 30s, still single, and still hardcore gamers. If they haven't come around to visit they are playing online and talking on team speak all night.

I'm posting this to say that you can't just sit back and expect things to change naturally - they might - or your husband and his friend could be as inseparable as my husband and his friend, and you'll end up going insane over the next few years. If this is a problem for you, I strongly suggest you talk it out now, before you get married.
 
#5 ·
The games don't bother me. I enjoy playing games with him, but it really is aggravating with his friends over all the time.


He works weekdays and I work overnight on the weekends and we are at polar opposites with our jobs. I feel like when his friends are always around, he doesnt have time for me. And his friends dont even ask to come over, they just show up... I dont really understand why I feel this way because I didnt until we moved in together.
 
#4 ·
I was once in a similar situation as you. Now Im married and feel like Im raising my husband instead of having him as a partner. He may never grow up, or will take so long doing it you start to resent him. If you have doubts or are unsure, if you dont think you could live for the foreseeable future with your man exactly as he is, you should consider postponing your wedding.

Marry him for who he is not who you think he one day will be.

I might just be bitter about my situation, but Id hate to see you in the same spot.
 
#8 ·
Marry him for who he is not who you think he one day will be.
:iagree:

You may think you have a lot invested now but continuing the relationship, getting married and then finding out that it doesn't work is magnitudes harder.

If he isn't showing signs of maturing and growing into the relationship by 27 I'd see that as a big red flag. This sounds like teen or college kid behavior to me.
 
#6 ·
Your b/f needs to set boundaries with his friends. You need to set boundaries with him.

Have a sit-down.... are you okay with them being over while you are at work? Does the guys being

over disrupt your sleep pattern?

Set aside quality time for you and him and stick to it. If his friends still stop by, and he knows

you are not okay with it..... he should ask them to come back at later time.

If he doesn't...... after you had a sit down and told him what you wanted.... he is disrespecting you.

You then must enforce your boundaries.
 
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#7 ·
Have you all even discussed your goals and vision for your family? If not I would highly urge you to do it, so that you can start off on the right foot. My husband was footloose and fancy free before we got married, spending loads of time with his buddies and video gaming, and the balance of it with me. But when we got married and moved in together, we immediately started working toward our first goal of buying a home and a huge part of our free time went to working full and part-time jobs, to reach that goal. It makes it easier to be productive when you have goals.

Also have you thought about developing other interests beyond gaming; interests that take you out of the house and outdoors, doing physical activities? Gaming is so passive and non energy expending and thus enables you to spend hours and hours on your hobby without much side benefit. But an outdoor hobby such as hiking, bike riding, running, etc, you can't do for hours and a time without replenishing your energy. And the side benefits lead to good health. One of the side benefits would be to get rid of his buddies constantly being around. Get rid of them by getting out of the house!
 
#9 ·
It's your home too. You don't want people to stay there, ask them to leave. Make plans with your husband prior to the weekend rolling around. E.g. After work, let's go see 'movie' at this time and then get some dinner at 'restaurant'.

Get out of the house, drag him out with you. Make him unavailable more often. Go hiking. Go for a weekend away if you can get some time off work.

You want to spend time with him, tell them at the door. "Sorry, we're busy today, but hope you have a great day!" Close the door.

Harder to say than do I know, and you'll need to give your DH fair warning you're about to tell his friends to ****** off if they show up. Probably even have a fight about it, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. Making your feelings known and your partner making adjustments isn't always easy.
 
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