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Ending up with same sort of person repeatedly.

2K views 20 replies 9 participants last post by  onceler1 
#1 ·
Whenever things are hard in my marriage and I think about what it would be like if I tried to get a divorce and start over, I ask myself, would it be optimistic to think I won't end up with similar problems in the future? The reason is, I had several serious relationships prior to marrying my wife and they all were quite similar people in certain regards. Most were somewhat overweight (not huge), had emotional baggage of various kinds, and didn't challenge me during the time I was trying to get them to go out with me. I know on some level that probably points to some problems that I have. Yet, the woman I ended up with, flawed though she is, has for the most part made me very happy. Thus I think that it would probably be VERY unwise for me to wreck what I have.

I'm an extremely nerdy man, with extremely narrow interest. I have an utterly old fashioned way of viewing the world and actually dislike most people I meet. Socializing has never been easy at all for me. I don't think I even made any friends in college, I barely spoke to anybody. So I mean the fact that I'm married to a woman who actually does like me for who I am, who is attractive and shares things with me seems like a bloody miracle.

Yet there are times I'm tempted to believe I should start all over, and work on myself so that I'm not such a social loser and "earn" a better wife some day. But I have a strong feeling that could turn into the worst mistake of my life. Being single was a huge source of angst and depression ever since I hit puberty. Re-entering that world with my huge social problems would seem tantamount to jumping in a volcano, for me.

I guess I'm seeking feedback on these forums to validate these thoughts I've been having, I really appreciate all the responses I've gotten so far on other topics.
 
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#3 ·
Well, I apologize for posting three topics concerning my own issues lately, but in other ones I had explained that the main problem really is she doesn't have a job nor does she want to drive, and it seems like she may not even want kids now. So occasionally I'm afraid I'll end up resenting this situation if I reach a stage of life where I wish I had kids. I really don't want them right now, I'd resent them very much. I just worry some day that I'll suddenly realize this marriage had never had a future. However when I bring this up with her she never categorically says she won't have kids just that she doesn't know IF she will want them eventually. And she mentions adopting. Which I'm not opposed to. One of my sisters had kids and they have genetic problems---it's been REALLY tough for her. If I have the same thing I would not want to have the same thing happen with my own kids. So the idea of adopting some day seems like it could be just as fulfilling as actually being a biological father of a kid.
 
#4 ·
OK, I read your other thread.

I think it sounds like you and your wife are actually a pretty good match.

I have to ask though.....WHAT are these two hobbies you keep talking about but are not naming?
 
#5 ·
I make video games..I do the coding and music and she does all the art. I drug her into it at first, I think early on I almost threatened her that I wouldn't be happy with her if she didn't do it. WRONG way to go about it. Well, fast forward to now she actually likes doing it and I'm paying her. So I think she feels much more appreciated for it, and since she doesn't have a job it seems appropriate for that reason too. She doesn't want a traditional job but I'm willing to employ her to do something I value really highly. And she finds it fun and satisfying to do, to boot. Her hobby is ball-jointed dolls...collecting them and writing fiction about characters she invents. Yeah, we're both overgrown children.
 
#6 ·
I think that's cute. You both sound very smart. Has she looked into some art/design/writing freelance jobs from home? There are lots of services for stuff like that. ifreelance.com, textbroker.com to name two.

To answer your original question, from what we've read about you, I would say my opinion is YES, you'd end up with the same type of person, although perhaps someone else would have a traditional job and a driver's license.

Is there public transportation where you live?
 
#7 ·
"So I mean the fact that I'm married to a woman who actually does like me for who I am, who is attractive and shares things with me seems like a bloody miracle".

Consider yourself validated. And blessed to have found possibly the one woman in the world with whom you can connect because you don't exactly paint yourself as a real catch.
 
#8 ·
Sorry I cannot validate the thoughts you are having. The problem is yours to own. You date the same "type" of woman. Thus, unless you change yourself, you would end up with a similar woman in the next relationship.

All people come with baggage, but you can only take care of your own. Ever heard of "repetition compulsion"? Basically, people who keep repeating the same dynamics in their relationships are looking to find a solution/closure to some relationship they had in their family-of-origin.

I'm not saying that is necessarily true of you, but it may be worth looking into. Ever considered counseling for yourself?
 
#9 · (Edited)
You know what? I think that you have a very good marriage and don't know it. You have a woman who fits well with you. You fit well with her.

Between your game writing and her doll hobby, she could be earning a living.

Besides collecting dolls, does she also create them.. .I mean like paint them, make clothing that fit the characters, etc? She could create a job for herself doing selling dolls that she's made, ones she has collected and things for dolls.

You said that you have been promising to start a website for her. Well do that. There are so many places where a free or close to free website could be developed, like wix.com. She could probably do it there mostly on her own since it's all template driven. She does not need to know scripting, html, etc to get a good looking site up and running.

The world is filled with people with a lot more baggage then what you and/or your wife have. You could have ended up with a woman who has all kinds of real serious problems that would just about destroy your life.

Nurture and develop what you have.
 
#12 · (Edited)
You seem to pin your self worth on how much your wife appreciates you.

That's a pretty good indicator of the source of discontent.

Are you attracted to your wife, you mentioned you seek girls with a little girth... is that what you are attracted to, or is that another insecurity to consider, some boys believe the bigger girls are easier to tie down.

I like big!
 
#13 ·
You seem to pin your self worth on how much your wife appreciates you.

That's a pretty good indicator of the source of discontent.

Are you attracted to your wife, you mentioned you seek girls with a little girth... is that what you are attracted to, or is that another insecurity to consider, some boys believe the bigger girls are easier to tie down.

I like big!
Why?
 
#18 ·
As for my preference for somewhat overweight women could be part insecurity, but my mother was always somewhat overweight and, well, I've always had a good (not weird) relationship with my mother, and have always been attracted to women who seem like her in various ways. My wife is practically a clone of her, it's kind of scary. They even have the same freaking birthday.

One interesting bit of history is the first girl I fell really hard for when I was 13 was ultra ultra skinny. And that wound up a disaster and I cried my eyes out (2 years later age 15), and after that is when I began dating more overweight girls. My first serious girlfriend was actually the most overweight girl I've dated, and actually I have very fond memories of my relationship with her. My wife is very similar to that first girlfriend in many respects, but more well grounded emotionally... It could very well be that that first love (with skinny girl) really effed me up and made it impossible for me to interact with normal women with confidence etc. etc....I have no idea. Doesn't matter though really in the end...
 
#20 ·
Can you guess why there are some very old people who are still deeply in love with their spouse? Do you think it's because they never had any issues or because maybe, just maybe, they worked through them instead of discarding each other like used toilet brushes?

Your wife is a person. You made a vow to her. Does how she feels in all this talk of dumping her for someone better mean anything?
 
#21 ·
This along with many replies in this thread are just what I needed. You are all absolutely right. Thank you all for your candid and forthright feedback. Seriously I think I just needed to be set straight. I know myself well, which is one of my great strengths, but sometimes I need an outside observer to confirm that I am, in fact, doing certain things wrong and second guessing my marriage is definitely one of those things.

The feedback earlier about me feeling like I don't measure up to my dad so that I don't feel like anything can be good enough for me is spot on. Absolutely spot on. I'm sure you're right. Like said before, I even feel this way about my job. My dad does indeed have a godlike job. It's utter perfection. He's at the top of his field, famous for what he does, an expert about things that connect directly with geniuses of the early 20th century. There's no way I'd ever even come to a 1000th of measuring up to his level of success.

HOWEVEr. Thankfully, he has never made me feel like I have to measure up to him. He's proud of me even though I'm just another dumb shmuck with a corporate job.

Anyway that's neither here nor there. Just saying all the feedback I've gotten is just what I needed, and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I hear the suggestions to go see a counselor but the truth is I'm not sure I need one. I'm an extremely introspective person, so much so all I really needed I think was a "yes, you're right, you ARE being selfish" from someone...not really into paying 50$ an hour to find that out. Hahahah. (no offense to any pro counselors who may be here)

Perhaps part of it is my career keeps growing and since my wife isn't developing a career I'm tempted to feel I'm on a different path in life from her. But the truth is she's on the same path with me, we are a unit. We ARE a 1950's type of marriage. I don't care. We're totally different from everyone around us, but what we have works and we're happy. I just need to learn to be happy with who I am...

Thanks again, all.
 
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