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Am I over thinking things?

107K views 1K replies 54 participants last post by  PieOhMy 
#1 ·
In the beginning of our relationship, my husband was friends with a couple, John and Amy. And he admitted to having a huge crush on Amy for a long time, even while John was with her, and that once they got serious, he stopped crushing on her. It was a little awkward, cause even after Amy got married to John, my husband continued to kind of cuddle/lay in bed with her and stop by her work a lot alone. When our relationship got serious, Amy had a huge problem with my husband and I being together. And John seemed to follow her lead. It eventually came to the point that my husband was being so passive and they were saying such hurtful things, that I told him that I'm not putting up with it anymore and it's either them or me. He picked me. But has resented me for it ever since.

Now, four years later, John reached out to my husband via text, apologizing for him and Amy's actions in the past saying that she's with child now. Only a day after they started texting, my husband got Amy's number from John and congratulated her. It's been two days and they're still texting back and forth, nonstop. Nothing inappropriate, but I'm kind of disappointed that my husband was so urgent to start talking and continue talking to her even after I told him how it would make me feel uncomfortable if they started talking so much.

I understand the simple, "Hey, congratulations. How are you?" But like, he responds back to her asap when it takes him two hours to get back to me. And he only texts her when I'm not around. I'm upset and feeling a little hurt. Am I being ridiculous?
 
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#2 ·
Why was your husband cuddling and laying in bed with Amy after she was married? Does her husband know this?

Does the billing for the cell phone show each calling/txts going in/out from the number? If so you might want to check that.

I don't think you are being ridiculous. Your husband is.
 
#3 ·
I shouldn't say cuddling, it's not like he was holding her. But she was laying on her side, and he jumped on the twin size bed right behind her. It was weird. And idk if John knew about it. And I can just see online with our Verizon Messages. All our messages are visible on there, for both our lines.
 
#5 ·
I shouldn't say cuddling, it's not like he was holding her. But she was laying on her side, and he jumped on the twin size bed right behind her. It was weird. And idk if John knew about it. And I can just see online with our Verizon Messages. All our messages are visible on there, for both our lines.
But, what was the context??? Was it at a party? Was it when he was visiting overnight?? Seriously, why would that ever be ok?
 
#6 ·
That's how I feel. But when I confronted my husband about it, he said that he doesn't think it's a problem if you feel secure with yourself. And it happened one day when we were just visiting her at her mother's house. When we got there she was laying down on a twin size bed and he just laid out on his side right behind her.
 
#8 ·
No, we were just visiting to say hi because we were in the area. John wasn't around. And she happened to be lying on her side on a twin bed reading a magazine. My husband and I walked in and he just decided to lay down behind her on his side as well. Neither of them seemed phased by it and we just continued talking about random stuff while I just took a seat at the foot of the bed. It was awkward. I acted like it didn't bother me but it did.
 
#17 ·
Two things. First, he says it doesn't mean anything, but you've made it very clear that it means something to you. So he's disregarding your feelings.

Second, it clearly does mean something to him or he wouldn't be jeopardizing his relationship with you for it.

If you don't have kids with him, kick him to the curb. He's proving to you that he's not really all in with you so you shouldn't stay with him. If you do have kids it's a different matter, you'll need to at least try to salvage the family for your kids sake.
 
#18 ·
You answered my question while I was typing it.

You told him it was either them or you. He initially picked you, now he's chosen them. He's showing you that his relationship with them is more important than his relationship with you. Time to find your own man rather than trying to save a relationship with Amy's backup.
 
#21 ·
He always says that I shouldn't be telling him how to do things. That just because I think my way is right doesn't mean it is. That I'm selfish because I don't think about how he feels and how he wants his friends in his life. He says it's not fair because I have a male friend, Alex, that just came back into our lives after we decided to reintroduce old friends. Alex and I kissed once when we were drinking at my house when I was 18. After that, we decided it was awkward and to leave it in the past and nothing ever happened between us again. He never had a problem with my relationship with my husband but my husband had it in his head that Alex still wanted me. So I pushed Alex away, because I saw it as, I can do without him. We've started talking again via text, but we have barely talked. He tried calling me, and I didn't pick up because I don't want things moving too fast and wanted to kind of maintain a safe distance. So my husband likes to compare Alex and me to him and Amy. I don't even know if that's a good comparison? Does it matter?
 
#28 ·
He always says that I shouldn't be telling him how to do things. That just because I think my way is right doesn't mean it is. That I'm selfish because I don't think about how he feels and how he wants his friends in his life. He says it's not fair because I have a male friend, Alex
Your H is mentally abusive and manipulative. He is mentally screwing with you to keep you on your toes, to keep you doubting yourself, to keep you afraid to upset him, and thus to give him ALL THE CONTROL.

Pack his stuff and tell him if he contacts her ONE MORE TIME, he is out the door.
 
#22 ·
I asked my husband for Amy's number and we've been talking. Trying to "kill with kindness" sort of thing. And he hasn't asked me for Alex's number and doesn't seem to care that I'm talking to him. So that is why I doubt myself and wonder if I'm over thinking things about him and Amy.
 
#24 ·
Am I being ridiculous?
No. He admits he had an EA, even PA I would say, considering they 'cuddled' in bed, with this woman in the past. They treated you like garbage. He chose you, but as soon as they reached out to him he's in like Flynn.

I think you should've run a mile from the get go.

It's easy to see how this goes from here. You know exactly what's going to happen, you just don't want to face it. He's going to continue his EA with her, they are going to pick up where they left off in trying to make your life hell.
 
#30 ·
Look, he already was in at least a one-sided EA with her. And now they are texting way too much. This is a slow-moving train wreck that you are just watching with your heart in your throat.

Don't let him torture you. Draw the line in the sand, as others have said. Tell him what appropriate boundaries in a marriage are and that you expect them to be respected. He will either refuse, standing on misguided principle, or he will accede to your wishes. If he does the first, you should take that as his not choosing you and start planning to split. If he does the second, be vigilant to make sure he doesn't take it underground.

Either way, you are in for a bumpy ride. So sorry.
 
#31 ·
Sorry that you are in this scenario. You are Plan B to Amy. Your husband is in love with Amy and will always be. The truth hurts, but you must face it. You need to build your self-esteem and forge a better life for you and with a husband who will love you fully.

You need to see a psychologist to straighten your mind and build your self-worth. You don't think that you are worthy to be number one in your husband's life. Stop acting like a second fiddle to Amy and pretending to be her friend. This is so demeaning to your self-worth. Dump your husband and your friend, Alex. You really need to build a new life, one without the heartaches and complications that you have.

You truly deserve a better life than what you have.
 
#35 ·
Emotional affair. One sided or not, this is completely true. I didn't even know how to describe it. I am seeing a therapist on my own. I have been for 2 years. She tells me to try and be understanding to my husband, etc. And to realize my husband's pattern. That although he might act stupid or overreact at first, that he always comes around and does the right thing. But I finally talked my husband into marriage counseling. We are going this Tuesday night.
 
#38 ·
I am seeing a therapist on my own. I have been for 2 years. She tells me to try and be understanding to my husband, etc. And to realize my husband's pattern. That although he might act stupid or overreact at first, that he always comes around and does the right thing.
First and foremost, good for you for going to IC.

But what your therapist is telling you doesn't sit well with me at all. So does this mean since your H 'always comes around and does the right thing', it cancels out the bad things he's done? Does that mean your feelings are null and void?:scratchhead:

If my therapist told me that, she'd be my ex therapist.

You are not overreacting in the slightest. Both Amy and your H are extremely inappropriate. The pisser is it's right before your eyes. I'd feel very humiliated.
 
#36 ·
I'm putting up with it because I'm hoping that everyone is just excited to be talking again and that it will stop soon. Like I said, they're not talking about anything inappropriate. But yes, it still makes me uncomfortable. I did tell my husband that if he didn't go to marriage counseling with me, that we needed to start talking to someone about a divorce because I couldn't handle this anymore. This happened actually before the whole friends situation came up. And the same day I made that comment, the same day his friend John reached out. And that's when this whole thing started. I've been dealing with this for a week. When I told him that I'd rather he have a relationship with John, and I have the relationship with Amy, he said, "Don't start! They're all my friends."
 
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