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DH has no empathy for my deep childhood wounds

3K views 25 replies 12 participants last post by  Anon Pink 
#1 ·
My father is an alcoholic (possibly sober now but not 100% sure...he did go to rehab a couple of years ago) and I am a grateful member of Al Anon. I have been working hard on my recovery through al anon and counseling.

Situations will come up where I have anxiety about my dad possibly drinking, traumatic memories or triggers and my husband is unable to be supportive. He will raise his tone of voice and start shooting out quetions like "i dont even know if he is an alcoholic" "you say these horrible things about what he's done but I've never seen it" "why don't we just never talk to him again."

Basically, he puts me in a place where I am having to prove to him that my dad is an alcoholic. I refuse to play that game b/c it is unhelpful in my recovery. All I know is that my dad's drinking and behavior greatly affected me. Other adult children of alcoholics out there I am sure realize that growing up with that leaves you with deep wounds and PTSD even.

I love my dad and I am able to have a good relationship with him now. I am able to detach with love, but there are times where I want to my husband to hold me and tell me he is there for me and tell me he realizes my pain.

DH has read books, we are in couples counseling...he has even gone to an Al Anon meeting with me. He thinks it's all BS. He himself is not an alcoholic.

Please help. I can't live my life with him kicking me while I am down. It is re-traumatizing me. He is so great and wonderful in so many other ways.
 
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#2 ·
Pardon my ignorance since I am not an alcoholic nor I know what it is to grow in that sort of environment, In fact I had to google al anon.

Hopefully I won't sound like a jerk but, did your husband know about this before getting married? How can you say he is wonderful when he is dismissing something that is obviously so important to you? It sounds borderline abusive.

It's strange he will say something like "I don't even know if he is an alcoholic because I've never seen it" usually people trust their partners enough to take their word for it, you are worried about your father getting back into a bad and toxic habit, it's reasonable yet his reaction is like he is in denial.

Is there any chance someone close to him was an alcoholic and never got help? Is he missing a father figure and he gets along well with your dad? Are you positive he does not have an issue with the abuse of any substance or had?

I don't think lack of empathy is the issue here.
 
#3 ·
Amorous,

He did not know about my dad before we got married due to my HIGH levels of denial and shame. He is close to his dad. He did not grow up w/ addiction, but rather domestic violence, but he does not phrase it as such.

I am certain he does not have a problem w/ any substance....not even food, spending or gambeling.

This is the email he just sent me (he works away from home).

I'm sorry (my name). I don't mean to hurt you. I just wanted the facts. I am a man so understand that I don't have the emotional feelings that you do. I have to do something to fix it....like tell him off or tell you to stop talking to him. I can't just say I'm sorry and let it happen. I liked that last email though. That helps me understand. Gotta go back to work. Muah
 
#5 ·
Have you addressed this issue at Al Anon? Seems like a valid topic.

I agree with Blondi. You could tell your H that you don't NEED him to fix anything. You just need him to hug you if you get upset about dad....period.

I think you have to try to understand that if H has never dealt with an alcoholic parent then he just cannot understand the effect it's had on you. Everybody views things thru their own experiences, so it's just not in his psyche. Everyone has issues that we don't understand.... so you have to understand that in regard to H.

Tell him what you need from him.
 
#6 ·
DH has read books, we are in couples counseling...he has even gone to an Al Anon meeting with me. He thinks it's all BS. He himself is not an alcoholic.

Please help. I can't live my life with him kicking me while I am down. It is re-traumatizing me. He is so great and wonderful in so many other ways.
With all the education he's had, why is he so opposed to admitting your father's drinking affected you?

Have you sat him down and said to him slowly and clearly that this is very real to you, whether or not he believes in ptsd or al anon? You feel as if he is kicking you when you are down, and he is traumatizing you with his behavior. You cannot remain in a relationship with someone who is abusing you, which is what he is doing.

Then just look at him and say nothing. Let it sink in. Be calm but definite in your approach with him.

Somehow he isn't getting that this is real and it is serious. Other than telling him directly, idk how else you can get the message across.
 
#9 ·
"He did not grow up w/ addiction, but rather domestic violence, but he does not phrase it as such."

Ah, the old "if we don't give it a name it doesn't exist" approach to life. Also, known as the "ostrich" approach.

Just because he never witnessed the alcoholic abuse when you were growing up means it couldn't have happened? Just how arrogant is your husband? Why does he feel entitled to call you a liar?

Sorry, but your husband needs to dig deep and find compassion & empathy. He probably doesn't believe that soldiers suffer PTSD from battle, either. What a putz!

And, don't ever stuff your pain just to save your husband from having to man up and actually have to act like a husband.
 
#12 ·
I am able to detach with love fron my dad. So my relationship today with my dad is a non issue. The issue now is healing....working through triggers....and my overall recovery.
 
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#15 ·
A person suffering from past trauma can't help if they are triggered at times. She isn't sniveling because daddy didn't buy her an ice cream cone.

Wander over to the CWI section and see how many people experience triggers of every imaginable sort and then tell them that they are damaging their marriage by allowing those thoughts to surface. Yeah, didn't think you would because no one likes to be tarred & feathered.
 
#16 ·
My wife is an ACOA (Adult Children Of Alcoholics) and from my perspective it seems that she understands that she has dysfunctional ways of dealing with things that were created by her upbringing, but she has accepted them as her personality rather than working to change them.

As a result she often plays the victim or martyr which is an attitude I can't stomach. So I understand where she's coming from and I sympathize, but her choice to not address her issues creates a distance between us.

To me, her refusal to address her issues is disrespectful because it has clearly damaged our relationship. She doesn't care. She expects everyone to change their behavior for her.
 
#18 ·
While I have a long way to go....I am in recovery & have been in Al-Anon for several years & therapy even longer.

The issue that prompted my thread was this:

I was at a family celebration w/ my father. He had what looked like a ****tail. I was unsure if it was alcohol or not (i have not seen him drink for several years).

I left the event & called my sponsor....read my al anon literature that i carry w/ me & was able to return to the event w/out allowing whether he was drinking or not affect my ability to enjoy the day.

I told my husband the story and he said....."oh, ok. So anyway." I asked him if that was all he could say. He replied "i feel like you are holding this guy prisoner."

I was hurt & confused b/c my telling the story was a triumph for me. It wasn't about me trying to control my dad.
 
#20 ·
To further clarify the prisoner statement....he followed w/ "i don't get why you can't just let the guy have a drink."

I have educated him on addiction....he even went to family days at my dad's rehab. He heard the doctor say "your dad is a very sick man."

Yet years later he is still splitting hairs about whether or not he is an alcoholic.

My husband called this morning & said "i love you and i will work on this." But we've gone through this before.
 
#22 ·
Missy... SO sorry you are at this particular point in your recovery and excited for you too. This spot is one of the most difficult yet the most productive so be encouraged. My H has been on both sides of this issue of showing empathy and NOT showing empathy. As relationships ebb and flow I feel that generally most people float in and out of being emotionally available. While I hear your pain of your husbands actions, you do have a choice to detach from him to a certain degree to navigate this section he can't be available for in order to prevent further damage during your recovery. And its ok. My H, as emotionally intelligent and as compassionate as he can be many days, just went through some time where he didn't have patience for it. It is a recovery that is intense and can be very consuming of the relationship and he may be in a weary spot. Take it for what it is, a gap in his support, but refrain from throwing him out with the bathwater. If he can just hug you and let it go, you do not owe him proof. You know your truth. You don't have enough energy to be grilled on a witness stand and if he presses you about it tell him "I've told you what happened, it is enough." And just stop repeating yourself. His acceptance of that truth is on him to work out. You can't do that part for him. Be cordial, but not available for a beat down. Protect your heart until he can get his thinking straightened around.

It sounds like his feelings may be surfacing from his past....
 
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#23 ·
Missy,

Your husband sounds like many people who have never had to deal with an active addict. Bless him, for real. May he continue on that fortunate path.

I completely understand your victory, and well done! It's very hard to do when you know that one small move (drink) can bring everything down. That stuff can be incredibly triggering, I am glad you were able to take a moment, reach out, and then continue to enjoy the day. :smthumbup:

Your husband might not be able to provide the support you need. It would be a shame but it might the case. I would just try to keep communicating with him, and relying on your Alanon group for true understanding and support.
 
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#24 · (Edited)
Hey, and one more thing missy.. don't forget to have fun and take breaks from your recovery, for both your sakes.
 
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#25 ·
missy,

Your post and situation reminds me of a philosophy I have come up with, "Children of alcohol abusers should only marry other children of alcohol abusers"

A lot of people think that is a terrible idea. But I think it's one of the strongest links between me and my husband. We didn't have to explain any of this shít to each other; we just "knew".

I've never thought I could be close emotionally with someone who didn't have this chaos as the foundation of their life. It's terrible, but there you go.

So, you have my total sympathy.


Wow, your h, and some others have led sheltered lives. Good for them. Nice to know people like that exist. But they've probably got problems of their own.

Your h probably has some things he expects your sympathy and understanding on, right?


But I tend to agree with others here; cut your dad out if he's still causing you this much pain and grief.

That's what I did with my family.

The circus never really stopped. So, I put a stop to it.


Best thing I ever did. That's all I can tell you. Wish I could have become an emancipated minor at 16 and just gotten away from them.

I hope the case is that your husband really is clueless; not that he is unwilling to be sympathetic.


Best of luck. Put your husband and your new life, before your dad and all his craziness. Your dad has to sort his own life out.


My dad's behavior now is not the issue. I am the issue. My recovery is the issue. By the way...my dad was NOT drinking alcohol. It looked like alcohol to me and it triggered me. I am not going to cut him out. I love him & we enjoy each other's company.

My husband grew up w/ domestic violence...a mother who had borderline traits....a father who checked out. So he did not live a sheltered life. His coping skills are denial and humor.
 
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