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On the verge...

1K views 12 replies 11 participants last post by  Hicks 
#1 ·
I am very unhappy with my current relationship. But for some reason I cannot get myself to end things. It has become more apparent to me that myself and my partner do not want the same things in life nor at the same time in life. I'm ready to settle down and have children. He tells me we don't have money for child but He just bought a sports car and is at the gym everyday.

I have been talking with an old friend who has been divorced with a child. He is a very nice person and has qualities that I am looking for in my current partner. <---Which is obviously not going to happen. My mind is starting to wander off, thinking about what life might be like with someone normal. A partner who wants to spend time with me and family. A man who does things around the house such as mow the yard and clean the gutters. Definitely not a man that can only give me one day a week, not even that since he is on his phone all the time. I am 26 years old and I am looking for an elders advice on what I should do.
 
#2 ·
I am 57 years old, career woman, married for ongoing 35 years, and elected to be without children. I told my husband at the beginning of our dating years that I don't want any children. We did not live together. I was 22 years old and my husband 24 years old when we married. I did not change my mind.

In your partner's case, he clearly doesn't want to have any children. You are 26 years old. As you want dissimilar goals in your life, my advice to you is to find a man who has the same goals and values as you.

You deserve the life that you want. Move towards your goal or you will be unhappy in your relationship.
 
#4 · (Edited)
It sounds like he is still living the single life.

IMO you are at an ideal age for marriage, you need to be cultivating relationships that are heading there. You are heading into the no mans land (28-30 plus) where men will be more established and will begin to attract younger women.

Awful generalizations I know, you have time, but pursue what you want in life now!

Find someone who wants to have children, try not to get involved with someone who has them from a previous relationship, I will leave it at that but your stress level will be way less that way.

If I met you would I think that you would make a good life partner and be able to put the work into a relationship to make it work even with kids in the mix?

ETA; Realize that often what a guy looks for in a GF may, Chill, fun to be with, good sex partner, HOT, etc, may not include much thought about children. He may think most women have that covered and it may not be something he thinks will be on the radar for a while. Its sort of a preoccupation with his current lifestyle.

Think about it, I wish you well, and children deserve the best chance possible.
Take care!
 
#5 ·
I am very unhappy with my current relationship.
The best reason in the world to end things. It's your life and you deserve to be in a relationship that is fulfilling with a man who is on the same page as you.

But for some reason I cannot get myself to end things.
^ ^ ^
THIS. Sit down with yourself and figure out WHY you cannot end things. Because it's not just "for some reason." There IS a reason. Delve into that and be clear in your mind why you are staying in a relationship with someone who isn't a good match for you.
 
#6 ·
You are unhappy. You have different life goals. He doesn't spend much time with you. Apparently doesn't do yard work. He spends all of your couple time on his phone. Your mind is beginning to wander toward other partners.

But you are afraid to end it.

Is he hung like a horse? Because otherwise I fail to see the attraction here and why you haven't moved on.
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#8 ·
I'm in my 50's, so I guess I'm an old elder.

The first thing I'd say to you is have a very frank sit down with your partner and settle things- up or down. Be true to him and to yourself.

If you two reach an agreement to stay together, be committed with your whole heart. If not, make an honest break of it.

As to the OM, stay away from him until you have settled things with your partner. If you and your partner patch things up, never contact OM again- forget about him.

One last thought. Don't necessarily think this OM is the cat's meow. As E. Bombeck once said, "the grass is always greener over the septic tank". Your seeking greener grass and that usually leads to a pile of s***.
 
#10 ·
I am very unhappy with my current relationship. But for some reason I cannot get myself to end things. It has become more apparent to me that myself and my partner do not want the same things in life nor at the same time in life. I'm ready to settle down and have children. He tells me we don't have money for child but He just bought a sports car and is at the gym everyday.
Compatibility with a partner on a number of levels is probably the best predictor for something lasting..

Take a moment & read this list...evaluate where you & He is ... what you both want, seek, if you & his vision of a future is taking 2 very different paths.. allow this to give you some "food for thought" when you sit down with your boyfriend..

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html

I have been talking with an old friend who has been divorced with a child. He is a very nice person and has qualities that I am looking for in my current partner. <---Which is obviously not going to happen. My mind is starting to wander off, thinking about what life might be like with someone normal. A partner who wants to spend time with me and family. A man who does things around the house such as mow the yard and clean the gutters. Definitely not a man that can only give me one day a week, not even that since he is on his phone all the time. I am 26 years old and I am looking for an elders advice on what I should do.
Just make sure you are really & truly attracted to these men (or any man you may meet) that fits this part of your hopes for the future...

A good friend of mine shared of her earlier experiences one day in her living room. how she was tired of the non -committing types... so she married a NICE FAMILY guy...feeling this would be for the Best.. ..but she grew bored with him so many years in....lost all attraction to him... that was the beginning of the end.. she left him...and is married to someone else...3 kids later. Don't allow tunnel vision in one area to blind you to other important aspects is what I am trying to get at.. you are young yet at 26.. this helps .. :)
 
#12 ·
I wanted to settle down when I was your age, but if a guy wasn't exactly right, he wasn't the one for me. I didn't even get to the point of a relationship. A few dates with a guy were enough to show me exactly what he was about. I was willing to wait for just the right person. Don't get me wrong, I did have a long-term relationship when I was younger, but I let that go when I grew up enough to understand what I wanted. I'm glad I didn't waste my time with the ones that weren't for me because then I would never have met DH. Now I'm happily married with children.

Another woman I know didn't do that, she wasn't true to herself. She dated the guys that were never going to be 'that' guy, she wasted her time. Ten years later she's still wasting her time in crappy, unfulfilling relationships. If she wants kids, looks like she'll be doing it alone.

The guy you're with is obviously not the guy for you. You know it. It's plain as day. He's just not interested. Why are you wasting your time? Do you not believe your time is precious? You should, because you never get it back.
 
#13 ·
You are 26 years old who wants to settle down and get marriage. You should not be having and "partners". Partners is only a term for people who are not planning to get married. You should be having boyfriend / girlfriend relationships for the purpose of determining a man's suitability to be your husband.
 
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