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How to leave a good man?

9K views 86 replies 29 participants last post by  zillard 
#1 · (Edited)
Everywhere I look women want to leave men who have done something wrong. But what about those who haven’t?

I have reached a point in my 12 year marriage where I find myself trying to find reasons to end it, where I am almost WILLING him to do something horrible, because 'it just doesn't feel right anymore' just doesn't feel like it's a good enough reason.

But IT JUST. DOESN'T. FEEL RIGHT.

I was very young when we met (21) and he was much older (38). I’m now 33 and he’s 50.

Some key things that stand out for me, none of which are really his fault:

1. We own a home together. A few months after purchasing in 2013, I realised I had made a huge mistake. While it’d be nice to have the security of owning a property some day, my real passion is travel. And I don’t mean a holiday when we can afford it. I mean going somewhere different in the world every 6 months. LIVING somewhere else for a year. This is what I dream about all day long. After paying my mortgage and all the associated fees I have hardly any money left every month. Some months I can barely afford a bus ticket. I hate living like this and I don't want to anymore. I miss the easy life of a renter. He tells me “that’s just how life works”, but does it? Don't we get to choose our own life? If it were up to me I'd spend the next 10 years paying $400 a month in rent and travelling the world. I am always made to feel like this dream is fanciful/immature/financially foolish though.. I'm ashamed to admit I allowed other people to convince me that being a homeowner is how I should be living my life. I always had a nagging feeling it wasn't right for me but I just put those feelings down to nerves. I know what a mess this has made for both me and him and I feel awful about it. I should have trusted my gut.

2. Our friends have stopped inviting us out because we always said no. I am not trying to solely blame him, but it always seemed he was the one not wanting to go. I would have loved to have attended dinners, outings etc. Because perhaps they haven't grown up a quickly as him and still enjoy a drink and a big night out, he calls a lot of our friends ‘losers’ and says it is too hard for him to come home from work (he finishes much earlier than me) then go out again on e.g. a Friday night so we never go.

3. I am not sure whether this is a generational thing but he hates tattoos on women. I have 2 already and would like to get more, but I don’t feel comfortable doing so, knowing how he feels. This may seem trivial but it makes me feel like I can't be myself and express myself how I'd like.

4. He likes THINGS. I couldn’t care less if we didn’t have things like a TV, a car (we live in the City where public transport is everywhere) or a DVD collection. That kind of stuff means nothing to me, yet I am pouring all my money into it. I am more than satisfied with the simple life and just grateful to have a roof over my head and food in my belly.

There isn't anyone else. I have no desire to "sleep around" or "party". I am not bored, nor miserable. But I am not happy either. I'm trying to forgive myself and accept that sometimes people and their wants and needs just change. What once fit doesn't anymore. That sometimes things don't have to be wrong to not be right.

But it feels so unfair on him. :(

He’s a good man who loves me more now than he did in the beginning and has always been a wonderful partner, but I know this marriage just isn't right for me anymore and I've no idea how to explain that to him. Please help.

P.S. has anyone else ever been through something similar? I feel terribly alone.
 
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#2 ·
Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

Akesha,

This is honest. And if you are confident you won't fall back in love with him - you really ought to leave. For both your sakes.

If he really loves you he will be sad and hurt but he won't lay a mountain of guilt on you.




I couldn’t be happier to have found this thread. Everywhere I look women want to leave men who have done something wrong. But what about those who haven’t?
I have reached a point in my 12 year marriage where I find myself trying to find reasons to end it, where I am almost WILLING him to do something horrible, because 'it just doesn't feel right anymore' just doesn't feel like it's a good enough reason.
But IT JUST. DOESN'T. FEEL RIGHT.
I was very young when we met (21) and he was much older (38). I’m now 33 and he’s 50.
I'm trying to accept that sometimes, for no reason at all, people just change. Feelings just change. That sometimes things don't have to be wrong to not be right.
There isn't anyone else. I have no desire to "sleep around" or "party". I am not bored. It just doesn't fit me anymore and I've no idea how to explain that to him.
I wonder how you're doing now, OP?
 
#3 ·
Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

Akesha,

This is honest. And if you are confident you won't fall back in love with him - you really ought to leave. For both your sakes.

If he really loves you he will be sad and hurt but he won't lay a mountain of guilt on you.
Thanks so much for quick reply, Mem. :)

I have actually tried to break it off before but I felt so guilty. He loves me so much and is such a good man. I am really struggling with doing this. I keep telling myself yes it's unfair but what's even more unfair is NOT saying anything, but still I can't seem to convince myself.
 
#7 ·
Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

This will not be your typical "he treated me bad, get me out" story.

I am 28 years old, I've been with my husband since I was 19, and we've been married for 3 years. He is a good man. He's caring, and kind, and thoughtful.

I have never been madly in love with him. He was safe for me. My past before him when I was young, was very bad. Men were horrible to me, and when I met my husband, he was very safe, and different from all the others.

The steps were followed, date, move in, marry, buy house. We don't have any kids, because when it was brought up, all I could think, was that I didnt' want children with this man.

I took part in every choice in our life. I planned the wedding, I picked out the house. No one forced my hand. My husband is good to me. But I am very unhappy, and have been for years. We have no sexual relationship...maybe once a month. And that's not just a new things, it's always been like that. Our marriage has no passion, and I am not in love with him. I am a completely different person than I was 10 years ago, and now i've 'grown up' so to speak, and realized, this is not the man I want to be with.

How do I leave a man that has been so good to me? How do you tell your families "gee, I just didn't love him"?? I am so scared to leave due to the logistics, our house, how to live apart. I'm scared to hurt him, because really, he's done nothing wrong. This was my fault.

Another bit of info - before we were married, I had an affair, and I left him. I ended the engagement because I knew I wasn't happy. 48 hours later, I was so scared and alone, I crawled right back to the house, and begged him to forgive me. He did, and we married 5 months later.

Please help....I need to find the courage to leave for good this time. I simply want a divorce.
You sound pretty well grounded, but it would be worth considering if your idea of an ideal mate can actually exist, or are you projecting yourself into something very unlikely. If your heart is yearning for a bad boy you might be fooling yourself. Because of the abusive past, I think you should get some IC to help make this decision and give yourself confidence that what do seek is actually likely to be found.

Of course this does nothing for your feelings toward your husband, but getting those answers will give you a clear path to follow.
 
#8 ·
Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

I suggest therapy first. In abusive relationships, victims become accustomed to the highs and lows of an abusive relationship. In normal relationships, it is not that extreme. A normal healthy relationship will not have the same levels of drama, the bonding and unbonding that occurs, not the same levels of dopamine that is released.

You might not be able to have any romantic feelings for your husband after therapy, since you're both different in what you want. My uncle and aunt divorced each other and now both are happy. They loved each other but one loves to travel and live in different places, and the other likes to be rooted. By separating, they both eventually became happy again.

Research does show that abuse victims have a hard time being in non-abusive relationships. Abuse victims tend to find or date abusive partners one after the other. When you are used to high levels of spike of drama and rebonding during good times, normal relationships cannot compare because it does not release the same levels of dopamine, and dopamine is needed for sexual excitement as well.

Abuse alters your brain in physical ways, and if you have not seek help as of yet, you really should, because normal, healthy relationship may never do it for you until you have taken the time to undo what was done to you. The fact that your history shows a pattern of multiple abusive relationships may point to the fact that you were more impacted than you realize.
 
#9 · (Edited)
Re: I need to find the courage to leave...

All Akesha had posted the above on a Zombie thread. So I suggested that she create her own thread. So now she has her own thread and her posts are not buried in a Zombie thread.

The posts above this one were moved over from the zombie thread.

The posts below this one are from her new thread.
 
#13 ·
The tattoo thing is a bit generational. I'm 65. I think that most people were taught to look at them as disfigurement. Remember that this new thing about everyone getting tattoos was done as rebellion.

But I also know younger people, like in their 20's an 30's who do not like them.

It's a personal thing.

On the topic of travel. You think you would rather live in an cheap apartment travel and live in different places. Have you ever done this? From what you have written I don't think so.

If you move from place to place, how are you going to support yourself? What career field are you in that you could find new jobs that easily.

You see him as holding you back. But could you do what you want to do on your own?

I'm not saying that you should just accept what you have. I'm just asking as you don't give a lot of detail.

(back to work for me now :D )
 
#14 ·
It's an interesting spot you're in.

You married a man too old for you and now that he's starting past his prime and you are entering yours, you want to ditch him and be some free spirit. But you feel guilty about it as he is a good man and for the most part has been loving towards you.

For his part, he knows he's losing you so he's trying to show you why he loves you. He's an older guy who snagged a young chick and now is afraid of losing you.

So what to do?

I mean, either way it's going to be a real pisser for one of you. If you stay, you'll never live that life you feel destined to and will turn bitter or betray him. If you leave, he'll be totally devastated and it'll be all your fault for abandoning the man who loves you. And there really doesn't seem to be any middle ground. At least one life is going to be ruined. Maybe two.

I suppose there is no true "right" answer. I could make a solid case for upholding your wedding vows and clinging to one who truly loves you and a solid case for realizing this was a generational mismatch and you seeking to be the flitering bird you want to.

But you want an answer, don't you?

I will say to sit him down, telling him the marriage was a mistake borne from your monumental youthful stupidity, take NOTHING from him and go. He'll be crushed and who knows how he will respond, but I suppose it isn't your concern. He's a big boy and you have a life to live. The whole thing is a damn shame.
 
#15 ·
Here's a thought: How about you make up your own rules. I am finding in my life that the choices society offers us are not always enough choices. So, sometimes we need to invent other ones.

If he loves you, he will want you to be happy. If you love him, you want him to be happy. You're not clear 100% that you want to be without him, you just want MORE. So, why not talk to him, tell him you want to take a sebatical from the marriage. You said you aren't interested in sleeping around.. you can let him know that you don't intend to be unfaithful. If you can afford it ON YOUR OWN (I wouldn't expect him to pay your living expenses, etc, if you're leaving for a while) then go travel the world, have some new experiences, keep in touch with him, see if your grass-is-greener or not. Divorce is a messy, expensive, traumatic, and hateful thing. My best advice, coming from a 21 year crash and burn, is not to get married. But since you're already there, my second best advice is to try to make the best of it unless it cannot be renovated into something you like. He's older and probably somewhat set in his ways, but the nice thing about this current social climate is that you can reinvent your relationships if you are both willing to do that. If he is willing to envision something different with you, perhaps you can remain connected at the pinkies and still lead a more fulfilling life.

I think your post is honest and your needs are valid. It is always up to you to make sure they are being met. But if you think outside the box a bit, you may find better ways to meet them than the obvious go-to divorce. I don't know. Only you know how you feel. It's just an idea. Wishing you an amazing amount of self empowerment and clarity. :)
 
#16 ·
I agree with uhaul. Your marriage doesn't have to follow a set of rules and guidelines. Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel and that this is not going to go away. Tell him you'd like to try and figure this out with his help. You created a partnership with someone so you didn't have to go through life figuring it all out on your own, so use your partnership now to help you figure out a solution you can both live with.
 
#17 ·
#18 ·
If I were you, I would divorce. And I would take my half, guilt-free.

A man knows what he is doing when he marries a girl nearly half his age. And that verbal and emotional abuse is unacceptable. He deserves exactly what is coming to him.

You are young, and you should be with a young man. Please get out now. This marriage, imo, never should have been.
 
#19 ·
You aren't going to be the first WAW and won't be the last for sure. What I do find VERY refreshing is that you are honest about this and not making crap up, like many do, about how he is a horrible person when in truth you just aren't on the same page about things in life.

I think you need to just be honest and frank with him about what you want, what he wants, and see if this marriage even makes sense anymore. Realize marriage is about compromise and he will have to give some as will you to make this work. If you divorce then at least you do so honestly which is something you don't see a lot of here. You can walk away knowing you didn't lie, cheat or betray...

Much respect
 
#20 ·
OP I am going to go a different direction in this. take it with a grain of salt.

but i think you would be foolish to end your marriage because of the thinking "there is more out there for you".

I didn't read your thread from a while back and have no inclination to. why? because people come here, present their side of the story only, and can paint their situation to look any way they choose to win sympathy or get validation for what they really want.

i understand there is an age difference between you. and while the human body does have its differences with age, what counts in a relationship is the chemistry that comes from values, morals, care and mutual respect that builds into deep love. that isn't age dependent.

what i would offer you is this feeling you have of needing to "explore" is no different than the grass is greener syndrome. I am sure you have heard that before, its just that it is true and doesn't hit home unitl you loose what you have and then realize outlook and perspective got lost and what you had was actually good and worth keeping. The grass is greenest where you water it!

quit being negative about what you are missing. If you dig, you WILL FIND what you are looking for, meaning its easy to convince ourselves of what we want...even when its a mistake.

so where does this come from? some might call it a "mid life crisis"..stop and think hard what that means. its an underlying unhappiness of "is this all there is for my life" that comes partly from normal evolution as a human being, but also from looking around in life and playing "keep up with the kardashian's" and so many shallow things we are surrounded with on a daily basis. its all horribly destructive, and ruins many good relationships.

if you do truly love your husband....i don't buy into the "set him free thing" for his sake. if you love your husband....work very hard at understanding where this unhappiness comes from. Be honest with yourself, most people can't.

I would suggest counseling with a good shrink to discover what is missing inside yourself. I also suggest you be honest with your husband, don't hide what you are feeling, tell him. just be open t listening to his views. and hopefully you can go to counseling together and get past this and go on to many more years of joy together.

i wish you well and hope you can find peace.
 
#25 ·
i think you would be foolish to end your marriage because of the thinking "there is more out there for you".
And what if there is? Sure it could end up being the biggest mistake of my life, but it could also end up being the best decision I ever made. Should I continue to allow the fear of what if - what if I make a mistake, what if the grass isn't greener, what if I never meet a good man again - paralyse me forever?

i understand the challenge of barley making ends meet. and it sucks. but this moving all the time, traveling, how would you pay for that? you aren't going to hold down a job moving constantly.temp living costs WAY MORE than living in one place.
Ignore that. My idea of heaven is going somewhere different in the world every 6 months, if even for a week. Sure it'd be amazing to live and work elsewhere, but clearly that may not be feasible. I'd like to keep my job and take a holiday every few months.

OP

how is the sexual relationship between you and your husband? asking becuase I believe that is always an important factor - for better or for worse
Non existent...

He is extremely overweight. Sorry if it makes me shallow that I am no longer attracted to him but I'm not.
 
#21 ·
"My father's aggression rendered me emotionally mute for years, and I can see the same pattern repeating itself with my husband. What should I do? I keep telling myself I don't deserve this but then I can never find the guts to do anything about it. He is just like my dad - Jekkyl and Hyde - such a sweet kind person when he's not enraged, but an absolute monster when he is. "

Umm...you married someone just like your Dad because that was all you knew. A comfort zone some might say. You clearly realize that this isn't right for you any longer. If your Father wasn't a "good man" in your opinion, then you aren't considering leaving a "good man" now.
 
#22 ·
my real passion is travel. And I don’t mean a holiday when we can afford it. I mean going somewhere different in the world every 6 months. LIVING somewhere else for a year. This is what I dream about all day long. After paying my mortgage and all the associated fees I have hardly any money left every month. Some months I can barely afford a bus ticket. I hate living like this and I don't want to anymore.
i understand the challenge of barley making ends meet. and it sucks. but this moving all the time, traveling, how would you pay for that? you aren't going to hold down a job moving constantly.temp living costs WAY MORE than living in one place.

I couldn’t care less if we didn’t have things like a TV, a car (we live in the City where public transport is everywhere) or a DVD collection. That kind of stuff means nothing to me, yet I am pouring all my money into it. I am more than satisfied with the simple life
traveling the world is hardly "living simple"..... do you realize how this sounds given what you have said above? you want a simple life, free of materialistic things...but turn around and say you want to travel the world (adventures)...its kind of the same thing.

just my .02 but its obvious to me you are very confused and dont even realize what you are really looking for. You call your husband "materialistic" and then turn around and say you want to travel with no concept of what it takes to do that ($$$$).

sigh.
 
#26 ·
i understand the challenge of barley making ends meet. and it sucks. but this moving all the time, traveling, how would you pay for that? you aren't going to hold down a job moving constantly.temp living costs WAY MORE than living in one place.



traveling the world is hardly "living simple"..... do you realize how this sounds given what you have said above? you want a simple life, free of materialistic things...but turn around and say you want to travel the world (adventures)...its kind of the same thing.

just my .02 but its obvious to me you are very confused and dont even realize what you are really looking for. You call your husband "materialistic" and then turn around and say you want to travel with no concept of what it takes to do that ($$$$).

sigh.
I’m not as naïve as you seem to think I am.

I have to disagree that material possessions and adventures are “kind of the same thing”. I don’t see them as being the same at all. Material possessions bring me no joy. Memories bring me endless joy.

Do me a favour and scrap what I said in my orginal post. My idea of heaven? Keeping my current job and going somewhere different in the world every 6 months, if only for a week. Say, spending a maximum of $5,000.00. A lot less if I want to travel to Asian countries.

Holiday packages. I can go to New York City for a week (I live in Australia) for approximately $3,000 (flights and accommodation). I don’t much care where I stay as hopefully I won’t be spending much time indoors. Trust me, I have researched this. Pathetically I spend way too much time booking flights I'll never pay for.

For every $50 I put away for my holidays I will put $50 in savings.

I have always been taught to save and have always been a saver. I don’t “blow” money and leave myself in debt. I’ve never owned a credit card.

I am not a fool when it comes to money.
 
#24 ·
OP,

There are no children, right?

If you want to travel, you certainly can do so. I did it 20 years ago, dropped out of college, drove around the US. When I found a place I wanted to stay for a while, I worked as a waitress/bartender. It's a great job for traveling- nearly anyone can learn it, there are always jobs, turn-over is normal, you get to meet tons of people, you make good money and walk out with cash. It is not hard to do if you are willing to live light, IME.

Globally many of my friends and some family have lived overseas 6 months-1 year contracts teaching English. I think you do need to have a college degree to do this, though.

I understand the yearning to get out there and explore the world. My circle of friends, including my now husband, all had nomadic tendencies. My best friend used to joke that she was born with "7 league boots." We've all settled down now, but it took me 20 years to get the wanderlust out of my system.

As to whether or not you should stay married, that is up to you and your H. If he is the same guy who was yelling in your last thread (by which I mean- has he made changes?) then it should be a no-brainer.

I am writing all this under the assumption that you don't have kids, BTW. If you have kids then it's a different ball game.
 
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#27 ·
He is extremely overweight. Sorry if it makes me shallow that I am no longer attracted to him but I'm not.
well i certainly understand a spouse letting you down like that. when we take wedding vows, i seem to remember something about "love honor and cherish".....and letting one's self go like that, as far as I am concerned, is a breach of those vows. each owes the other to bring their best self to the relationship.

maybe you have done this, but i would openly and honestly have a conversation where you explain this to him and it is making you consider ending the marriage. there is no guilt there when the other lets you down. let his actions be your determining factor. if you see him put forth the effort to lose weight and being intimate/affectionate with you or not.

And what if there is? Sure it could end up being the biggest mistake of my life, but it could also end up being the best decision I ever made. Should I continue to allow the fear of what if - what if I make a mistake, what if the grass isn't greener, what if I never meet a good man again - paralyse me forever?
well you husbands obesity obviously makes this an easier decision. and chances are you will meet someone else...just know that people are human and there will be issues there too.

have you actually talked about this with him at all or is it just bottled up in you?
 
#31 ·
Well if you do respect him and believe he is a good man who has treated you right, I don't think you should jump to a decision.

It's no surprise that you feel you've married your father. Nor is it a surprise that many things he's said to you sound parental. That's hard enough to avoid in many same-generation relationships, especially with abuse history, then add your age gap...

Why not try changing some things first and see how that sits with you? Express all of this to him and do what you can on your end to change that dynamic.

Go to IC, as suggested. Go to MC.
Take a vacation that you've said you don't want, but do?
Stop paying for the car if you don't want one.
Talk to him about his weight and see if he makes any changes.
Implement the Policy of Joint Agreement (The Policy of Joint Agreement)
 
#32 ·
Akesha, I think you know what you need to do: file.
 
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#34 ·
Yeah... 100% agree with the others. You married your dad.

Even more damning, he acts like your father by making you do responsible things like "owning a home" and "having a car".

You on the other hand just want to bounce from hostel to hostel while traveling to god knows where.

Worse of all, you're not even attracted to him because he's an overweight old man in your eyes now.

You should get the divorce, you have nothing in common anymore. It will break his heart but he should of known better than to marry someone who was old enough to be his daughter. So I don't have a lot of sympathy for him. He had his fun now go have yours. Maybe he'll find someone his own age, who shares the same values.
 
#36 · (Edited)
Even more damning, he acts like your father by making you do responsible things like "owning a home" and "having a car".

You on the other hand just want to bounce from hostel to hostel while traveling to god knows where.
I can tell that you're a very bitter person so I'll just direct you to my earlier posts. Please read them a little more carefully.

"Normal" is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for in order to get the job you need to pay for the clothes, the car and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. - Ellen Goodman

Is THIS living? Surely there's more to life?
 
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