Everywhere I look women want to leave men who have done something wrong. But what about those who haven’t?
I have reached a point in my 12 year marriage where I find myself trying to find reasons to end it, where I am almost WILLING him to do something horrible, because 'it just doesn't feel right anymore' just doesn't feel like it's a good enough reason.
But IT JUST. DOESN'T. FEEL RIGHT.
I was very young when we met (21) and he was much older (38). I’m now 33 and he’s 50.
Some key things that stand out for me, none of which are really his fault:
1. We own a home together. A few months after purchasing in 2013, I realised I had made a huge mistake. While it’d be nice to have the security of owning a property some day, my real passion is travel. And I don’t mean a holiday when we can afford it. I mean going somewhere different in the world every 6 months. LIVING somewhere else for a year. This is what I dream about all day long. After paying my mortgage and all the associated fees I have hardly any money left every month. Some months I can barely afford a bus ticket. I hate living like this and I don't want to anymore. I miss the easy life of a renter. He tells me “that’s just how life works”, but does it? Don't we get to choose our own life? If it were up to me I'd spend the next 10 years paying $400 a month in rent and travelling the world. I am always made to feel like this dream is fanciful/immature/financially foolish though.. I'm ashamed to admit I allowed other people to convince me that being a homeowner is how I should be living my life. I always had a nagging feeling it wasn't right for me but I just put those feelings down to nerves. I know what a mess this has made for both me and him and I feel awful about it. I should have trusted my gut.
2. Our friends have stopped inviting us out because we always said no. I am not trying to solely blame him, but it always seemed he was the one not wanting to go. I would have loved to have attended dinners, outings etc. Because perhaps they haven't grown up a quickly as him and still enjoy a drink and a big night out, he calls a lot of our friends ‘losers’ and says it is too hard for him to come home from work (he finishes much earlier than me) then go out again on e.g. a Friday night so we never go.
3. I am not sure whether this is a generational thing but he hates tattoos on women. I have 2 already and would like to get more, but I don’t feel comfortable doing so, knowing how he feels. This may seem trivial but it makes me feel like I can't be myself and express myself how I'd like.
4. He likes THINGS. I couldn’t care less if we didn’t have things like a TV, a car (we live in the City where public transport is everywhere) or a DVD collection. That kind of stuff means nothing to me, yet I am pouring all my money into it. I am more than satisfied with the simple life and just grateful to have a roof over my head and food in my belly.
There isn't anyone else. I have no desire to "sleep around" or "party". I am not bored, nor miserable. But I am not happy either. I'm trying to forgive myself and accept that sometimes people and their wants and needs just change. What once fit doesn't anymore. That sometimes things don't have to be wrong to not be right.
But it feels so unfair on him.
He’s a good man who loves me more now than he did in the beginning and has always been a wonderful partner, but I know this marriage just isn't right for me anymore and I've no idea how to explain that to him. Please help.
P.S. has anyone else ever been through something similar? I feel terribly alone.
I have reached a point in my 12 year marriage where I find myself trying to find reasons to end it, where I am almost WILLING him to do something horrible, because 'it just doesn't feel right anymore' just doesn't feel like it's a good enough reason.
But IT JUST. DOESN'T. FEEL RIGHT.
I was very young when we met (21) and he was much older (38). I’m now 33 and he’s 50.
Some key things that stand out for me, none of which are really his fault:
1. We own a home together. A few months after purchasing in 2013, I realised I had made a huge mistake. While it’d be nice to have the security of owning a property some day, my real passion is travel. And I don’t mean a holiday when we can afford it. I mean going somewhere different in the world every 6 months. LIVING somewhere else for a year. This is what I dream about all day long. After paying my mortgage and all the associated fees I have hardly any money left every month. Some months I can barely afford a bus ticket. I hate living like this and I don't want to anymore. I miss the easy life of a renter. He tells me “that’s just how life works”, but does it? Don't we get to choose our own life? If it were up to me I'd spend the next 10 years paying $400 a month in rent and travelling the world. I am always made to feel like this dream is fanciful/immature/financially foolish though.. I'm ashamed to admit I allowed other people to convince me that being a homeowner is how I should be living my life. I always had a nagging feeling it wasn't right for me but I just put those feelings down to nerves. I know what a mess this has made for both me and him and I feel awful about it. I should have trusted my gut.
2. Our friends have stopped inviting us out because we always said no. I am not trying to solely blame him, but it always seemed he was the one not wanting to go. I would have loved to have attended dinners, outings etc. Because perhaps they haven't grown up a quickly as him and still enjoy a drink and a big night out, he calls a lot of our friends ‘losers’ and says it is too hard for him to come home from work (he finishes much earlier than me) then go out again on e.g. a Friday night so we never go.
3. I am not sure whether this is a generational thing but he hates tattoos on women. I have 2 already and would like to get more, but I don’t feel comfortable doing so, knowing how he feels. This may seem trivial but it makes me feel like I can't be myself and express myself how I'd like.
4. He likes THINGS. I couldn’t care less if we didn’t have things like a TV, a car (we live in the City where public transport is everywhere) or a DVD collection. That kind of stuff means nothing to me, yet I am pouring all my money into it. I am more than satisfied with the simple life and just grateful to have a roof over my head and food in my belly.
There isn't anyone else. I have no desire to "sleep around" or "party". I am not bored, nor miserable. But I am not happy either. I'm trying to forgive myself and accept that sometimes people and their wants and needs just change. What once fit doesn't anymore. That sometimes things don't have to be wrong to not be right.
But it feels so unfair on him.
He’s a good man who loves me more now than he did in the beginning and has always been a wonderful partner, but I know this marriage just isn't right for me anymore and I've no idea how to explain that to him. Please help.
P.S. has anyone else ever been through something similar? I feel terribly alone.