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CSA question in regards to how it affects marriage

1K views 14 replies 8 participants last post by  jmsclayton 
#1 ·
I was a CSA and I was in an abusive relationship with the father of my oldest kids. I got away from him and eventually met my DH, I admit I was really standoffish.....scared of being hurt. He was super affectionate, kissed me. Then it suddenly stopped one day.

In regards to my own CSA there was one particular act that I connected to my abuse and I couldnt do it, it brought back painful memories. Over time and therapy I did overcome it and it is no longer an issue.

I voiced to dh that I wanted him to kiss me, touch me again the way he used to and he originally blamed his mother for his nonaffection, that "he wasnt that type of man" then he said he didnt like to kiss because of CSA that happened to him when he was 14 when his aunts boyfriend.

Im confused, if he connected kissing to this particular CSA then wouldnt he have avoided it at all costs straight from the beginning? BTW he kissed all the other girls he had previously been with. I think he just doesnt feel that way towards me so he cant do it.
 
#5 ·
HI LOnelywife76

responses below yours

Im confused, if he connected kissing to this particular CSA then wouldnt he have avoided it at all costs straight from the beginning? BTW he kissed all the other girls he had previously been with. I think he just doesnt feel that way towards me so he cant do it.

JUdith: The best way your going to both resolve this besides counseling is to work on it in sex
Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz she is a sex therapist and helps abuse victims and she gives assignments at home.
The Most victims I know heal more by doing it at home and working on sex.
Yes you do need to see a sex therapist besides practice on it at home. The book by her is good read for victims.
YEs usually but he is going to heal by doing then feelings follow. Fake it till you make it. He did that with the other gals due to his abuse. He struggling with you because there is an emotional relationship connection involved and the female is a part of that because the mother teaches the son how to relate to women.
I know people who work on it at home.

JUdith
 
#7 ·
HI

Responses below yours

hat is CSA? Certified Sexual Assault?

Judith; Child Sexual abuse. We who experience it abbreviate it to that.
Wendy in her book talk about that and Sexual Assault, Sexual Trauma. There is a difference.

Abuse is usually about control.
Sexual assault is usually what you see in crimes.

Sexual trauma is usually one time event or ..

Usually in Wendy book she ssays ABuse involves sexual touch but in other places it doesnt have to invovle touch but a look
For women all it takes is a look or a nonsexual touch etc.

IT is not always about sexual touch.
 
#8 ·
HI Lonely ...

Also I forgot to mention that you both need to do nonsexual touch daily until it becomes second nature to both of you while working on sex in sex.
Remember abusive sex is not the same as healthy marital sex.

That is why Wendy says that you need to work on sex in sex. Sex therapists give assignments in the bedroom to work on.

IF parents had done their job right and given nonsexual touch from birth to age 18 then the child would be ready for sex on the wedding nite.

Juidth
 
#9 ·
HI Conan

responses below yours

I can be just fine for a long time and then trigger and be messed up for day

Judith: There is what is called aftereffects to it. There is a list of them on the net. The trigger is in response to a situation that reminds you of the past.
The key is to figure out what cause it and then look back and analyze how you responded and see if you can watch for it the next time. IF ti is a new situation etc -it may not show up until that. The key is to look for the root issue.

Judith
 
#11 ·
Hi to all

responses below yours

Men will try up until a point. But if all their effort isn't working, then eventually they'll give up. Once that happens, it's unlikely he'll risk trying again. You can only bang your head against a wall for so long.

Judith: I agree. IF the couple is truly wanting to work on it-then and abuse victims sometimes have to trial and error to keep going to work on it. He has to decide if save his marriage and his kids in it which is the real thing to consider is the kids.

The difference between the abuse male victim and the one who has not. Is the abuse one struggles to accept that he didnt have a part in it. He wasnt at fault for what happen to him. Becuase men are fixers they feel like they need to fix it and if they cant they dont.

THe one who is not abused tends to decide that if the spouse/partner etc is not willing to work on it -is are the kids the reason not to work on it or not-if it is bringing the person down and affecting the kids then a change needs to happen
The other thing is along with that one that is not abused may see it as -how do i say this- i cant lead so ... denial is strong in men etc.
 
#12 ·
I think your husband's trigger is that you are requesting he kiss you. He feels this as pressure to perform, and it is the pressure to perform that triggers him. The pressure to do something is what reminds him of his own CSA. Feeling compelled, feeling like he HAS to, feeling forced...

Back off the requests. Just tell him hiw you feel when he kisses you and how you feel when you want him to kiss you but he doesn't. Do not pair your feelings with a request.
 
#13 ·
HI all and lonely

responses below yours

anon pink said:
think your husband's trigger is that you are requesting he kiss you. He feels this as pressure to perform, and it is the pressure to perform that triggers him. The pressure to do something is what reminds him of his own CSA. Feeling compelled, feeling like he HAS to, feeling forced...

Back off the requests. Just tell him hiw you feel when he kisses you and how you feel when you want him to kiss you but he doesn't. Do not pair your feelings with a request.

Judith: The key is just do. Something that keeps happening will be pick up by the other. SO just go up and kiss. Let him deal with what he feels. Ask him to analzye it. It does work.
We create a habit by doing -dont ask.
Yes tell him how you feel when he does. Give him positive feelings because all he has ever felt is negative.
Usually when like wendy gives assignements in her book she says to work with what you feel. Remeember we cant live by feelings

Feelings Buried Alive Never Die is a book to get.

Judith:
 
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