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Why the sudden change?

6K views 53 replies 26 participants last post by  Lostinthought61 
#1 ·
I recently met up with a friend that I see every few weeks when I'm in the area, he's been married 15 years and has two kids. From the outside you would think they are the perfect couple, have everything they want and you would think happy. Last time I saw him was about 3 months ago due to work commitments and he told me that their sex life had gone down hill, ( kids are 12 &14) so it's not a new baby. He said he always felt like he was making the effort to initiate, she didn't think it was an issue and although when they talked it got better for a while it soon when back to normal. She would perform oral on him but then just 'jump' on till he climaxed then that was it. He did say occasionally the sex would be great and she says she enjoys it. When I met him recently he said things had changed? Now she wanted him to give her oral then they would have sex, and he gets nothing in return, even though he would still give her oral before. He said it now is always in the dark and he has to be under the covers when he does it, he said it's like she's imagining he's someone else! Then he asked if maybe the sudden change is because she's cheating? Now other than she has two phones, one is for business which she keeps locked, he said he hasn't seen other signs, but as she is out all day on the road with work she has the opportunity, even staying away. Any thoughts guys as he seems in bits over it? Thanks.
 
#2 ·
Sometimes it's possible to read too much in to little things. /Her having a locked work phone might just be company policy because there's sensitive information on it. Does she use it at home, instead of her other phone? That might be concerning. Not enough information to go on, really
He said it now is always in the dark and he has to be under the covers when he does it, he said it's like she's imagining he's someone else!
It could be what he thinks, or it could be that she's having body image issues. Maybe she's feeling a bit frumpy and self-conscious? He could insist the lights stay on just so he can enjoy how sexy she is. You know, just spend some time letting her know she's still desirable in his eyes, being reassuring and easing her fears.

If she still baulks, he may have a problem on his hands.

Lots of us have opportunity at work, it really means nothing on it's own.
 
#3 ·
Sometimes it's possible to read too much in to little things. /Her having a locked work phone might just be company policy because there's sensitive information on it. Does she use it at home, instead of her other phone? That might be concerning. Not enough information to go on, really
It could be what he thinks, or it could be that she's having body image issues. Maybe she's feeling a bit frumpy and self-conscious? He could insist the lights stay on just so he can enjoy how sexy she is. You know, just spend some time letting her know she's still desirable in his eyes, being reassuring and easing her fears.

If she still baulks, he may have a problem on his hands.

Lots of us have opportunity at work, it really means nothing on it's own.
I agree with this. Has she gained any weight recently?
 
#4 ·
i did ask about the phones, and she uses both at home, apparently getting messages late at night too, on the work phone, she says they are emails, her personal phone is also locked and she often changes the password for it. I haven't seen his wife for ages but he showed me some photos of her and the kids, she actually looks likes she's lost weight, but has by the looks of it had her breasts done, although I never asked, from what he's said she will often walk from the bathroom to the bedroom, or even downstairs naked so isn't self conscious. I'm actually seeing him again as I have work in the area in the next few days, so if there is anything else I could ask, I'd appreciate the ideas. Thanks.
 
#5 ·
OK yeah, doesn't sound like body image issues.

Keeping phones locked is not a big deal, IMO. I think everyone should do it for security reasons, and especially a work phone. Constantly changing the password on a personal phone is a bit odd. Changing it on work phone might be company policy....???

Has HE gained weight or anything? Any reason she might be not as attracted to him?
 
#6 ·
No he's always been slim, which is why when we was younger he seemed to get all the attention. It's her personal phone she changes, he did say he saw it one time, but when he went to check her phone it had changed! I think it's the change in sex that's bothering him the most, he doesn't get any attention, it's all about her needs. Which is a big change,
 
#7 ·
Just an aside... you see this guy once ever few weeks/months. The last time was 3 months ago. But he tells you these intimate details of his relationship with his wife? Really?

I would be absolutely furious if I was married to a guy who shared these types of details so freely.

Just my 2 cents...
 
#8 ·
I've known him for years, but because I moved away I now don't see him so often, so it's not like he's just a friend, we use to talk about all sorts together, so it's not unusual to discuss partners in this way. I'm sure at sometime a lot of people discuss their sex lives with close friends, be it about the good or bad. So that's why he can tell me intimate stuff, and if you are married, or in a relationship, do you know for sure your OH isn't talking to someone about intimate stuff with you? Surely it's better to talk it over th keep it bottled up?
 
#11 ·
Is it normal for guys to speak with such detail to friends about their sex life? I see it on here of course, but I figure people are hiding behind anonymity.

As for advice, giving advice on a situation like that sort of needs to person in the situation to be asking. Maybe your best advice for him would be to visit a sex therapist with his wife.
 
#12 ·
I've always assumed guys do talk in graphic detail. Hell, my STBX speaks to ME in graphic detail about sex with his OW! (To hurt me, but still, he does it).

I'd have no problem talking in general detail with my girlfriends who I've had for many years (i.e. frequency, drive, etc.), and just kinda assume men are the same with good friends, but by nature are willing to be more graphic. (And some women would be that way too).
 
#15 ·
My guy friends and I talk about the frequency of our sex lives but beyond that no details.

Two locked phones with ever changing passwords is a red flag to me, but I can be cynical.
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#19 · (Edited)
I think alot of men tell their 'best friends' alot about their relationships but I think they stop at intimate delails.

Eg. 'My wife likes anal occasionally'.....'yes she gives me BJ's' etc
but I think the buck stops at things like 'she loves it when I cum in her bum' or 'she swallows'.

Just as alot of women will tell their best friend that their BF/H does it for them, or he's 'a big boy'.

I have a male friend I have known for 30+ years. We've seen each other at our lowest and highest point...I know if I need his help he will...if I am in deep poo poo he will come running to help..as I would for him.
He knows more about me than my wife does.
He knows I am in a sexless marriage and that my wife has never 'blown' me etc but I wouldn't go into more detail...not that there is more detail!

Some things really are sacred.
 
#20 ·
I'm not really sure he's at the point where he needs to spy on her, but if his suspicions get worse it might be an option. Like I said the phones being locked was and is the only real sign. Other than the change in her sex preference! And as she's on the road it's quite easy for her to say she's somewhere far in order to have time to meet someone, if in reality she's only a few miles away, if you see what I mean. I think he was asking for things he could ask or say! Or other signs she may be straying,
 
#21 ·
It seems like this is an issue that will eventually consume all his thinking time.

While it may seem overboard, just have your friend follow the standard VAR, etc. just to get some confirmation on what's "not happening".

He might as well do something now since he will most likely think about it all the time anyway.

Hope it works out.
 
#24 ·
I agree the locked phone is a red flag. If it was because of sensitive work material, then I would think it'd be normal for them to have discussed it.

If you're hiding something, then you've got something to hide imo. If she had nothing on her phone to worry about, why would she be worrying about him finding it?
 
#26 · (Edited)
I agree the locked phone is a red flag. If it was because of sensitive work material, then I would think it'd be normal for them to have discussed it.
a locked phone is not in of itself a red flag. Frankly, anyone who does *not* have a lock code on their phone these days is an idiot, given all the personal information smart-phones have on them, should it be lost or stolen. A larger red flag would be what would she do if he asked to see her phone. Would she say no, or show him?

IMO it would also be a mistake for him to press on that issue right now, without first gathering some evidence, because once he asks that question, if she is, in fact, engaged in anything questionable, it will immediately make her go covert, because he will have tipped his hand that he is on to her.

... and if you need a constable to serve her with a complaint for divorce, give me a jingle :D
 
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#32 ·
Red flags

Change in sex life

Locked phones

Late night texts from business phone

New underwear/clothes that you do not see

New Boobs

Your gut feeling

Gifts

Stops confiding in you

Forgetfulness

Sleeps with phone, takes phone everywhere

Leaves room to take calls, texts

New Shaving habits

Deleting texts, emails

New behaviors

ETC.

Does your friend have access to her phone bill
 
#33 ·
Ok, so I met up with him today, and as expected, he's not going with the spying yet, because he wants to be more sure, as if she found out she would freak!
Now to try and answer some questions, she's always locked her phone, but in the past as been less secretive about the number, he has the bills and says he's seen a few numbers on there he doesn't recognise, but guesses they could be friends of hers, not his too, which is why he doesn't have the number?

He said the other night she did ask to cuddle in bed, they haven't for ages, but her behind him, like spooning! Also she did give him a handjob, but wouldn't let him touch or do anything to her! First time in a while she's done this. Finally she was supposed to pop into an office of where she works for a while, but ended up being a couple of hours! No reason for it, so this obviously got him thinking. Any thoughts?
 
#34 ·
Ok, so I met up with him today, and as expected, he's not going with the spying yet, because he wants to be more sure, as if she found out she would freak!
Now to try and answer some questions, she's always locked her phone, but in the past as been less secretive about the number, he has the bills and says he's seen a few numbers on there he doesn't recognise, but guesses they could be friends of hers, not his too, which is why he doesn't have the number?

He said the other night she did ask to cuddle in bed, they haven't for ages, but her behind him, like spooning! Also she did give him a handjob, but wouldn't let him touch or do anything to her! First time in a while she's done this. Finally she was supposed to pop into an office of where she works for a while, but ended up being a couple of hours! No reason for it, so this obviously got him thinking. Any thoughts?
Thoughts? Yeah, she's cheating and he's letting her because he's afraid of the action he might have to take if he discovered the truth.
 
#35 · (Edited)
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#36 ·
So I see my friend again over the weekend, and he says things are pretty much the same, though the only difference is after 10 years of wearing trouser suits to work, she occasionally wears a skirt, now on the outside this may be nothing, but she hardly ever wears skirts, even casually, in fact I never recall seeing her in one, and he did say he found a pair of panties he'd never seen before, ( he often does the laundry). When I asked if he'd done any investigating he said no? So I'm guessing he doesn't want to know, or is scared of what hell find? He won't put recording devices in the house or her car, as if she finds them she will go mental. And if she's not up to anything he will look a ****? So what now?
 
#38 ·
skirts vs pants? hmm...I know dressing sexier is a famous red flag, but are they sexy or business like? people's fashion sense does change, especially after a decade. And new underwear? gosh, I hope everyone buys new underwear once in a while!


I assume his wife knows you? otherwise you could do a little reconnaissance for him (at her lunchtime, or after work).

send him here to read a few stories...that might help him decide to get the true story himself. Information is power in these situations
 
#41 ·
skirts vs pants? hmm...I know dressing sexier is a famous red flag, but are they sexy or business like? people's fashion sense does change, especially after a decade. And new underwear? gosh, I hope everyone buys new underwear once in a while?

When I said about the underwear it was ones he'd never seen before, which alerted him, and as he does most of the laundry I'm sure he'd have noticed them, and as he says he has control of finances it's easy to see when she's been shopping, unless she's hidden that too.
As for the skirt, can't say, but I'm assuming it's a business type, but that said I've never seen her in a skirt, and from what he said she's been dead against them for many years. When I see him next I'm going to show him the site to have a read through, and see what he thinks.
 
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