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Talking Out Loud...Annoyances / Roommate Syndrome

1K views 5 replies 5 participants last post by  Chris Taylor 
#1 · (Edited)
Hi,

I just want to talk out loud about some annoyances regarding my wife just to get some fresh perspective from the outside world. I have been with my wife for a total of 7 years so far (2 years of marriage) and no kids yet; like with many other relationships the beginning of the relationship always seems better than the latter.

Lately, it feels like I have a roommate instead of a wife. It started with my snoring and now we sleep in separate rooms. At first this wasn't an issue but as time passes I miss sleeping and being able to hold her at night. This transitioned to a steady decline in having sex because I feel less close to her because I don't have those close affectionate periods at night to be with her; so it makes me just distance myself even more from her throughout the day. On top of that we both work late, and on the weekends we usually have family/friend events that we go to.

I've been feeling distant; so I decided to try to better myself and do more to help her out. I started exercising / eating healthy, and have been losing weight. We normally have our own set of house responsibilities like she does laundry/cooking/dishwasher, and I do yard work/dishwasher/garbage/recycling/house maintenance/fixes; so lately I've just been doing the laundry myself and I've been cooking for myself when she isn't hungry or doesn't want to make dinner.

Sex use to be an issue for me too because I would always initiate it and we would have sex but then 4 weeks would go by and nothing. I would be content with having sex 1 or 2 times a week but we would rarely come close to this; so on top of all of this she finally initiated sex one day and I just wasn't feeling up for it so I stopped her and this through her into a loop as well.

She now tells me she doesn't know who I am anymore because I've done a complete 180 but she appreciates the help I'm giving her but she's just having a hard time processing it because it's a lot to take in at once.

So because of all of this I've been viewing our marriage more as a roommate partnership because that's how it feels. I guess this is why I've been doing all of this because I just want to make her happy and not have her be tired all the time.

We've been talking and it just seems we are not in sync with each other. She finally initiated sex for once and I pass on it. I'm doing more things around the house for her and she is thankful but says I'm not happy doing it; which is not true, it's just I'm more distant from her when doing it. I have no problem doing more around the house because I don't mind doing it.

Annoyance # 1: The other day I rented a movie which I know is not her type; so I saw it already the day before when she was out so today I was just re-watching it again when she walked in to the room and I told her we don't have to watch it since I saw it and she can put something else on. She says that she will watch it, so I leave it on.

Then it starts, she starts checking her phone / texting friends, and then if she misses a part she asks me to rewind it or in this case since she knows I saw it she will just ask me what happened. This drives me nuts, when we rent one of her movies (e.g. 50 shades of grey) I'm vested in that movie fully from start to finish no matter what. It got to the point where I said if you don't want to watch it you can change it. And she would say why do you keep on saying that; I want to watch it...oh really.

We then get into this argument where she says that she is watching my movie to make me happy and I say you are not making me happy when you are not paying attention to the movie and we keep on having to rewind it. And she would say I was only on my phone for a minute, and I tell her in that minute you missed one of the more important parts of the movie. If you are doing this to make me happy then really watch the movie.

Annoyance # 2: Anytime she is driving I let her listen to whatever music she wants in her car; her car, her music. But when she is in my car and I put my music on more often than not she immediately changes it and says "I can't deal with this music right now (hip hop)"...that pisses me off and I've told her not to change my music because I don't tell her to take off Taylor Swift in her car. Or she could at least ask better instead of just taking out my iPod.

Annoyance # 3: She made a comment the other day saying, hey since you are making your own breakfast and doing all these other things maybe you can put the rest of your laundry away from the basket after she has done it. This is what triggered me in doing the laundry on my own now. 1. it was the way she said it that pissed me off and 2. it's like she did 80% of the laundry and couldn't finish the last 20%.

When I take the garbage from her bathroom trash can and take out the rest of the garbage I don't put in the garage and say; hey, since I got the garbage in the garage why don't you take the trash out to the curb in the morning before you go to work.

Annoyance # 4: I will never say no to her family because I wouldn't want her to be put in an awkward spot that I would be responsible for putting her in.

So for example, my dad jokingly and partly serious says that we will host Christmas this year because we just got a new house and that my family from Florida would be coming up. I have no problem with this and I think it would be fun.

I'm more easy going and tend to see things positively; whereas she sees things more on the negative side.

She goes to say, I hope your dad is joking about hosting that's a lot of work that I will have to do. I go about saying I will help you with anything we need to do and she still says that it's not going to be easy. I understand hosting is a pain but for family and doing it once a year; I don't see the issue when we get to spend time with family.

She always sees the negative of everything instead of the positive; it drives me nuts. I have to tip toe around telling her about family get togethers so she doesn't have something to say about it.

Similar family issue again, I made reservations to a restaurant right by my parent's house for my mom's bday. I told her in advance, and I said we could just swing by my parent's and pick them up then go to the restaurant. Her first knee jerk response is why can't we meet them at the restaurant. So my response is why can't we pick them up at their house then go to the restaurant, it is literally 5 minutes away from their house.

Why couldn't she just let it be and say okay sounds good to me? If she said we had to pick up her parents to go to the restaurant afterwards I would have not issues with this.

Annoyance (BIG) # 5: Lately, more often she's been saying she doesn't know if she can handle kids. If she hears a kid crying in a store she's like I just can't. She says she gives so much at work that she can't fathom having the energy to also take care of our kids. She says that she will not have time for herself and she doesn't know how people do this....more negativity!

So I try to say, I know kids are a lot of work but I'm sure we will get through it and I'm sure the positives will outweigh the negatives. Mind you, this is the same person that has a list of baby names saved on her phone.

She says she doesn't know why she isn't one of these girls that is excited to have kids. She was never adamant about not having kids, and this conversation turned into is the only reason you married me is to have kids? You wouldn't just be happy with just me?

In which I said, married or not married I want to have kids; I want this whole meaning of life to mean something when we are old and gray and being able to leave some sort of legacy and to look down on our kids is something that would make me happy.

She always says she is tired, and maybe she is. I'm tired too but I think parent's find a way to strive through this and do what needs to be done.

She is such a good worker and gives 150% at work; she just got an award the other day for being the best employee at her job. She wakes up early in the morning and works out, and if she doesn't do it in the morning she tries later. She also eats healthy to stay in shape.

But what kills me is she has the motivation and drive to do the best she can at work and on herself but when we mention kids she just sees the negative. Why can't she have that same positive drive when it comes to having kids too? I know she has it in her.

I told her if she doesn't want to have kids with me then at least tell me, but she says that this is not it and she would love to have kids with me but she just doesn't think she can handle it.

======================================================

I know some the annoyances above shouldn't be an issue but they just make me think about the future and how effective we would also be on co-parenting. If we can't get in sync on these small issues how will we ever agree on issues with our kids.

Thank you!
 
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#3 ·
You both need a counselor or a marriage coach. These problems are going to keep getting worse until the root of them is dealt with. I'm a marriage coach and would be happy to discuss it further if you want to message me.

As the drifting seemed to start with separating due to snoreing, I'd start with seeing a doctor to try to address that issue.

Re'
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#4 ·
Well all the annoyances up to 5 are not huge problems. Just need to communicate better and set more boundrys. Like the tv watching thing while texting . If my Gf is watching something I don't particularly like and is spending time on Facebook and texting I will change the channel. She will protest hey I was watching that.....ok what just happened.....she never knows and point taken. We have a very strict rule when we do out and are at dinner no texting no facebooking. Point is many of these can get handled with some boundrys.

But full stop here.......this kid thing is a HUGE issue.

this sounds more like she is stalling away hoping that you both never have kids. If I were you I would get a timeline together like saying starting 2016 let's start trying and see what her reaction is. If she stalls or makes excuses you have a serious problem on your hands. Most sane people are nervous about having kids and the ability to be a good parent. Just make sure you aren't being strung along here and she actually wants them
 
#5 ·
Thanks for all the replies!

We actually made an appointment next week to meet with someone; hopefully this will be helpful in getting us back on track.

You are absolutely right about setting boundaries. I think this is something that we could put into practice. Lately, if just feels like I'm nitpicking every little thing that she does to find something to annoyed about.

I'm sure it's because I feel so distant from her right now; I don't even feel like myself anymore; nor do I feel comfortable doing any of the cute / funny things I would do with her to make her smile / laugh...I have no desire to put in that effort right now.

I'm sure the "not having kids" thing is also based on us just not syncing up lately, but her now throwing this in the pot is not making me feel any more confident on us being able to envision ourselves as being good parents together.
 
#6 ·
I'm going to guess that the lack of closeness is resulting in your seeing these minor issues as annoyances. You can put up with a lot when the major part of your life (your relationship with your wife) is on the right track. If it isn't, then things like laundry just become another issue to deal with.

Fix the closeness problem and these annoyances will go away.
 
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